Picture unrelated to open letter angst
T-shirt: Granit, print by me
B. F. Skinner liked using rats to experiment on behaviour.
I'm quite happy, really, angsty-looking pic and angsty text can be angsty without me.
Dear Tanja Suhinina.
I've been reading your thoughts for over 20 years now and I've come to the conclusion that you are a fucking idiot. I'm sorry to say that, but if I won't, nobody will.
Seriously, woman, pull yourself together. And yes, YOU. YOU have to do it, because no one else can do it for you. And you know it, because you get all this credit and you get all these compliments and they just bounce off of you. Nothing other people say helps, right? Maybe if there are many of them and they do it at once, then you are happy. For a while. You can not call for a mass rescue mission every time you are down, right? Every time you do not appreciate yourself enough.
You know that most people would DIE of HAPPY if they got all the compliments you get? Oh, of course, you get them, but you don't get them, right? Cry me a river, Suhinina. Why are you so scared? Why can't you just embrace and thank. Accept the facts, you ARE good.
Because I know that lately, you've avoided raising your hand in class because what if people will think you're trying to be smart. What do you think your classmates will do, beat you up? It's university, hon, it's not grade school anymore. It's your class, if you feel like you have something to say, just fucken say it. And stop doing that "I'm barely passing and it suits me", you got 9 out of 10 on that free part of the Neuro paper, despite ufninished sentences and general stylistic suckiness. You know, the part when you took a risque subject and wrote up a thing based on research papers instead of your schoolbooks, like you were supposed to?
It's for that kind of thing that I love you as a student. When you actually DARE. Which you don't do nearly half as often as you should. Always way below your potential. I know, I know, "where would I learn to realize my potential, they sentenced me to twenty years of boredom...". OPLZ.
Seriously, you're doing well at school. You got very positive feedback on the interview tests, right? The ones you were so nervous about that you nearly threw up during the briefing? The ones you expected to fail miserably because you weren't a good listener, you though. And it went really fucking well? Get it? GET IT? Take a hint, you are good, school is going well, you understand your books, you see the connections, you can explain stuff to classmates that they don't understand. Awesome, Suhinina, absorb the cred. Dare to be good.
And, darling, call yourself a fat ugly cow ONE MORE TIME... Seriously, wha was the first thing you thought when you saw a video recording? "Whoa, hawtt chick!". What was the second thing? "Am I this slender?".
HOW DOES THAT ADD UP TO "FAT UGLY COW"?????"?"++"?2+?"?
Every time you post pictures someone says you look well. You like that. MAYBE THEY SAY THAT YOU LOOK GOOD BECAUSE THEY MEAN IT!?!??!? And you don't at all connect it with the way you look, and you angst and you worry and the things you see in the mirror differ greatly from what you KNOW you SHOULD see. Yeah, I know you like your body now when you've lost weight and started exercising, and I think it's good for you, since you're not dieting and trying to lose more. But I also know for sure, because I've seen that, they you get terribly upset about N1 being pretter that you'll ever be. Because she has the perfect features and you are bla bla bla and have to fake them and only look good on teh intrawebs because you choose one picture out of 30.
Face it, Suhinina, you are a super hot female. You look fine, you really do. I swear. You can pull off clothes most people wouldn't, you can pull off most camera angles, you even look good in newspaper pictures! How many people do that?! How much proof you want before you understand? And plz, you are totally fuckable, there is evidence for that, no matter how much you go on about that fatuglyunsexycow business. The reason why N2 and N3 have not approached you with indecent proposals is because you've, like, hardly talked to them, not because nobody waaants you. I mean, it's not just that you're in a relationship, you know that N4 likes you, and you have all logic behind you when you suspect N5 as well, and you know that you have a place in N6's heart and quite possibly below too, even if you don't verbalize that much. And, come on, N7 said "you're awfully much hotter now then back in High School, and that's when I slept with you!", and if you don't trust N7, Suhinina, then you're much more of an idiot than I could ever imagine!
And what about your writing career. The one that you treat like nonexistant, after having published a book? It can be an unwanted baby and "not the way I planned it", but it's a BOOK. And you get POSITIVE FUCKING REVIEWS. And you act okaywhatever, and you feel okaywhatever, and link to them. Yeah, you were happy about the Arena-"her own Nail Strauss"-one. Like, really. Like, for once. Like, get it. You've worked for it. You WROTE THE BOOK. No matter what you think of it, you've EARNED the good reviews! I know that sometimes you have a hard time with nice things said about you because you feel like you haven't earned them, but this time you HAVE. How much do you WANT to earn things to FEEL like you have? If you were born as pretty as N1, you'd obviously not accept the compliments about your looks then, but when you get results by working, you are all upset about not having it all naturally.
What DO you want?
And back to your career, Suhinina. Because, yes, Suhinina, your "I'll just sit here and wait for jobs to come" has worked, WHICH IT'S NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO. How many people get this kind of offers with this little work? Can you, like, thank life a little? Or do you, deep beneath all this "OMFG I'm fatandugly and I can't write", really think you're so fucking special that you can just expect this kind of thing to happen?
Actually, you know what? You ARE. You CAN. Just, you know, don't miss'em. And allow yourself to show that you, you know, are PRETTYDARNCOOL and PRETTYDARNATTRACTIVE (in all senses). Don't hide it. Don't feel embarrassed, because even if those things appear to happen out of the blue, we all know you made them happen. You caused them. Immortality, Suhinina, take it. It's yours.
What I'm trying to say is DON'T BE SO AFRAID. Be spectacular, trust yourself. If they all want you, all the Ni and potential employers or collab partners, maybe it means that you can be wanted by someone. And that you can do really cool stuff and realize potential and all that. I love you, you stupid diamond, I love you despite your insecurities and fears and I want you to be happy. Not be afraid. Not to miss opportunities because you're afraid to show what you're capable of. NOW is your time. Since I can read your thoughts I know that today you were thinking about a mantra, something that could guide you. And you thought of "Do or do not, there is no try". Excellent choice, Suhinina. That and "Take a chance, you stupid ho".
Yours, forever, no matter how idiotic your thoughts get.
/Your friend and admirer
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It's not THAT bad, really, I just have this threshold here, and I have to take this tiny step for the humankind/giant leap for me all by myself and it's scary as fuuuuuuck and it would be nice to be a little closer to reality in my perception of what I am capable of.