Girl, Interrupted
This is something that I have thought about for a long time, but it's only lately that it's started cooking over. I have never really been able to express it properly, mostly because it's such a huge issue that is integrated into my everyday life. But I have recently started blogging about how I'm a immigrant, so maybe I should just start writing about sexiam as well, cover the issue a little at a time and hope that I manage to say what I have been thinking about.
The real question has all this time been "what to do?".
I mean, there are gender inequalities in the world, right? And we should do something about them, right? Right. But I've always believed that this kind of struggle should start with yourself and your own life, and how do I do that?
I have always percieved myself as a person who takes up a lot of space and is pretty loud and dominant in conversations. But I have also read that when a man and a woman talk, the woman is percieved to dominate when she speaks for more that 40% of the time. And that women are expect to be soft and compromise-friendly and good listeners. So am I really that loud or do I just think I am? Do people who think that I am obnoxious have no right to think so because if a man spoke out as much as I do no eyebrows would be rased, but when I do that I'm seen as agressive. Because it's not like no one has ever told me to get nicer and stop pushing over people and how I'm impossible to argue with because I (gasp!) am convinced that I am right.
If I really am that bad, I'll gladly try to do something about it. But if people (and myself) just think that I am because I take up 45% of the speaking time in a conversation with a man... well, then I'll gladly take up another 5%.
But how can I know what's real and what's in people's heads? Sometimes I wish somebody could film my social life for a week and cold-heartedly document what really is happening. How much do I really speak, in relation to others. How pushy I really am, in relation to others. How many times I get interrupted, in relation to others. How often I get criticised, in relation to others.
Because it's not like that criticism is not getting under my skin. I may percieve myself as a pretty loud person, but I know that I usually am pretty quiet when the usual gang of idiots is hanging out. I know that during the last several years I have gotten more and more afraid to make mistakes, and thus I prefer to say nothing at all.
I constantly lose discussions with Stangel because I no longer can speak up for my opinion when I can't present hard evidence for my cause right there at that precise moments. And it's not that often that I have access to research and statistics at dinnertable. Stangel runs on and when I later find out that he got somthing wrong he just shrugs and says that well, he remembered incorrectly, shit happens. And that's it. No catastrophe. But I'm too afraid to get exposed to take a chance. Because for me it feels like no one is ever going to take me seriously again. And maybe I'm just paranoid, but I have also read that men are generally allowed to get away with much more than women.
I want to know if it's all in my head or if it's all real. I want to know if it's all in my head or if it's in other's heads as well. I want to know if it's my personality or the System, and I know that it's impossible to answer because I am rased within the system. I want to know whether all those people who have told me to soften up has told the same to guys who acted like I did, and I want revenge if it's true that I get punished harder than men. I want someone to tell me to stop every time I treat someone in a certain way because of the person's sex, even if I know nothing about the person. I want someone to tell me off when I see a woman in some kind of an important debate in tha paper and think "oh, woman", whence I'd think nothing at all if sh were a man.
I want to know what to do. Because it's all made of such small details that you can't protest every time it happens. What am I supposed to do when I feel that a guy interrupts me a little too often? Ask him if he's doing it because of his male privelege or because he's an asshole or because I'm letting myself get interrupted? Or maybe I just assume that he's interrupting me because I've heard that men interrupt women. I don't have any hard evidence, and thus I shut up.
What to do?
The real question has all this time been "what to do?".
I mean, there are gender inequalities in the world, right? And we should do something about them, right? Right. But I've always believed that this kind of struggle should start with yourself and your own life, and how do I do that?
I have always percieved myself as a person who takes up a lot of space and is pretty loud and dominant in conversations. But I have also read that when a man and a woman talk, the woman is percieved to dominate when she speaks for more that 40% of the time. And that women are expect to be soft and compromise-friendly and good listeners. So am I really that loud or do I just think I am? Do people who think that I am obnoxious have no right to think so because if a man spoke out as much as I do no eyebrows would be rased, but when I do that I'm seen as agressive. Because it's not like no one has ever told me to get nicer and stop pushing over people and how I'm impossible to argue with because I (gasp!) am convinced that I am right.
If I really am that bad, I'll gladly try to do something about it. But if people (and myself) just think that I am because I take up 45% of the speaking time in a conversation with a man... well, then I'll gladly take up another 5%.
But how can I know what's real and what's in people's heads? Sometimes I wish somebody could film my social life for a week and cold-heartedly document what really is happening. How much do I really speak, in relation to others. How pushy I really am, in relation to others. How many times I get interrupted, in relation to others. How often I get criticised, in relation to others.
Because it's not like that criticism is not getting under my skin. I may percieve myself as a pretty loud person, but I know that I usually am pretty quiet when the usual gang of idiots is hanging out. I know that during the last several years I have gotten more and more afraid to make mistakes, and thus I prefer to say nothing at all.
I constantly lose discussions with Stangel because I no longer can speak up for my opinion when I can't present hard evidence for my cause right there at that precise moments. And it's not that often that I have access to research and statistics at dinnertable. Stangel runs on and when I later find out that he got somthing wrong he just shrugs and says that well, he remembered incorrectly, shit happens. And that's it. No catastrophe. But I'm too afraid to get exposed to take a chance. Because for me it feels like no one is ever going to take me seriously again. And maybe I'm just paranoid, but I have also read that men are generally allowed to get away with much more than women.
I want to know if it's all in my head or if it's all real. I want to know if it's all in my head or if it's in other's heads as well. I want to know if it's my personality or the System, and I know that it's impossible to answer because I am rased within the system. I want to know whether all those people who have told me to soften up has told the same to guys who acted like I did, and I want revenge if it's true that I get punished harder than men. I want someone to tell me to stop every time I treat someone in a certain way because of the person's sex, even if I know nothing about the person. I want someone to tell me off when I see a woman in some kind of an important debate in tha paper and think "oh, woman", whence I'd think nothing at all if sh were a man.
I want to know what to do. Because it's all made of such small details that you can't protest every time it happens. What am I supposed to do when I feel that a guy interrupts me a little too often? Ask him if he's doing it because of his male privelege or because he's an asshole or because I'm letting myself get interrupted? Or maybe I just assume that he's interrupting me because I've heard that men interrupt women. I don't have any hard evidence, and thus I shut up.
What to do?