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[swung]

after more than a year i still cannot sleep at night because i am too madly in love & superstitious to ever let feelings pass by; to ever fall asleep on a full stomach. my head is in terrible pain but i am longing so hungry, need to be next to him listening to the slurred latin he speaks in his dreams & trying to make sense of it. not moving

Comments

[inamourata]

I can barely ever sleep at night - in fact I find the sunrise has a more lulling effect on me. You are always growing & realizing. I see that constantly in your writing and that is beautiful beyond those words. I hope you find it in your heart to stay a little longer because I fear if not you will break many (though in contrast, do what is best for you, yes. personally I want to leave my journal all the time though). Do you think it is a gift or a curse? - feeling each emotion to it's highest degree of intensity, the alarming impact they have on you? Sometimes I am thankful though, because I realize that if I didn't find myself writhing in pain at times I don't think I'd ever cry because the touch of someone's hand brought me such astounding pleasure. I am still trying to learn, however, that pain isn't necessary to feel, but it's hard. I sometimes find myself dragging a blade over my skin for no reason & it's something that seems to adolecsent to me and something I want to get over, but at times I think I need to check and see if I'm numb. I fear detachment also but I think I practice it quite well when necessary. I especially fear it now. & I think I'm writing too much, I must be writing to myself, or even the me I see in you.

this place is just so empty when i really try to feel it & it's sad.

[swung]

look into my eyes & speak to yourself.

A gift & a curse.
I agree, the numb shades of six AM sunlight are quite the tranquilizer. I'm always growing but I'm always collapsing as well; I can never find a solid ground to build upon & it is so tiring & even more tiring when my complex effects others, which it does, and in which case i am forced to explain, but my truths are so contradictory and .. my life is just so messy & nobody can help because I can never get myself completely strait no matter how hard I try & no matter how much I shift perspectives. Me and Steve (my <3) were just speaking of how I may just absolutely need pain to feel alive & how much I hate that in myself. The only reason I hate it though, is not because it does not suit me, but because it causes the one I need closest to me so much agony and confusion and I need him to be clear and strong for me but I just overwhelm him & cause his mind to scatter therefore he can provide no help, he gets offended when I tell him that I am getting into therapy. & I would be too, but I describe to him that it is only to learn how to communicate myself more clearly & to find a solid point in my life.