(no subject)
well i guess right now i just have a lot of feelings and want to get them out. this is the second night in a row that i haven't been able to sleep. ugh, it's quite obnoxious.
i went to the movies with devon tonight. it was fun. the movie was pretty funny.
but now for the real point of the journal entry.
JD. as usual. i'm so frustrated with this boy. i love him and at the same time i hate him. i think that i'm upset because he can't make a decision on anything. we dated from january to june last year, and let me tell you those were some of the best months of my life. the memories JD and i have together are def my favorites. but we've basically been seeing each other for the last year and a half. and i'm tired of being the "friends with benefits" girl. i still love him and i know he still loves me, not just because of the way he acts when we're together but because he's told me recently. but the whole "i still love you, i'm just enjoying being single right now" only works for so long. i'm an all or nothing type of girl and that's what this is going to come down to. i cannot continue to let myself get hurt anymore. i deserve better than this, yet i can't leave him. why is that? why is it that we girls get stuck on one guy?.. yet our guys seem to have no problem latching on to a million other girls.. i just need JD in my life as a friend or a boy friend. it has to be one or the other. no inbetween. no gray area. pick a side. now if only i could tell him that and force him to listen to me. he hears me, he just doesn't listen. and i eff up by not making him actually do it. we'll discuss everything and then we fall back into our old habits. i can't stay away from him. i wouldn't say that i'm addicted to him, i really care about him and i love him. no matter if he does break my heart a million times. i've dated other people. or at least i've tried to date other people. at first i couldn't because i was comparing everyone to JD. and that wasn't working because no one measured up! and then when it came to dating Justin. haha. JD just got in the way. only i was kind of a bitch about the whole situation. i told JD on my birthday that i still loved him and wanted to be with him. well it only took him a few days to decide that he wanted to be with me again too. well my stupid ass met a guy at my best friend's father's wedding. and he just so happened to be her new step brother. well we really clicked and by the time JD told me he wanted to be with me.. things were already in the works with Justin. and then JD pulled out the "i love you" card. which still didn't even get me away from Justin. although i wish i had listened to my heart and not my head. my heart was screaming JD because i love him, and he's my other half. but my head was screaming Justin because he was safe and couldn't hurt me again. yea well i'm not happy with the decision i made and JD never lets me forget it trust me. i kick myself over it every freakin' day. and he's still bitter about it. like i said, JD doesn't let me forget it. so i screwed up, and then when i left Justin, JD decided he didn't want a relationship at that point. which means we're stuck in the same issue we've been in since we broke up last june. i just don't know where to go from here. i don't know what to do. i can only declare my love for him so many times before it gets tiring and almost meaningless because i feel as if i'm chasing after nothing. he knows that he has me in the palm of his hand and he works it. i just need to figure out how to get myself out of that position..
<3Tiffany Leigh
i went to the movies with devon tonight. it was fun. the movie was pretty funny.
but now for the real point of the journal entry.
JD. as usual. i'm so frustrated with this boy. i love him and at the same time i hate him. i think that i'm upset because he can't make a decision on anything. we dated from january to june last year, and let me tell you those were some of the best months of my life. the memories JD and i have together are def my favorites. but we've basically been seeing each other for the last year and a half. and i'm tired of being the "friends with benefits" girl. i still love him and i know he still loves me, not just because of the way he acts when we're together but because he's told me recently. but the whole "i still love you, i'm just enjoying being single right now" only works for so long. i'm an all or nothing type of girl and that's what this is going to come down to. i cannot continue to let myself get hurt anymore. i deserve better than this, yet i can't leave him. why is that? why is it that we girls get stuck on one guy?.. yet our guys seem to have no problem latching on to a million other girls.. i just need JD in my life as a friend or a boy friend. it has to be one or the other. no inbetween. no gray area. pick a side. now if only i could tell him that and force him to listen to me. he hears me, he just doesn't listen. and i eff up by not making him actually do it. we'll discuss everything and then we fall back into our old habits. i can't stay away from him. i wouldn't say that i'm addicted to him, i really care about him and i love him. no matter if he does break my heart a million times. i've dated other people. or at least i've tried to date other people. at first i couldn't because i was comparing everyone to JD. and that wasn't working because no one measured up! and then when it came to dating Justin. haha. JD just got in the way. only i was kind of a bitch about the whole situation. i told JD on my birthday that i still loved him and wanted to be with him. well it only took him a few days to decide that he wanted to be with me again too. well my stupid ass met a guy at my best friend's father's wedding. and he just so happened to be her new step brother. well we really clicked and by the time JD told me he wanted to be with me.. things were already in the works with Justin. and then JD pulled out the "i love you" card. which still didn't even get me away from Justin. although i wish i had listened to my heart and not my head. my heart was screaming JD because i love him, and he's my other half. but my head was screaming Justin because he was safe and couldn't hurt me again. yea well i'm not happy with the decision i made and JD never lets me forget it trust me. i kick myself over it every freakin' day. and he's still bitter about it. like i said, JD doesn't let me forget it. so i screwed up, and then when i left Justin, JD decided he didn't want a relationship at that point. which means we're stuck in the same issue we've been in since we broke up last june. i just don't know where to go from here. i don't know what to do. i can only declare my love for him so many times before it gets tiring and almost meaningless because i feel as if i'm chasing after nothing. he knows that he has me in the palm of his hand and he works it. i just need to figure out how to get myself out of that position..
<3Tiffany Leigh