community college and other horrible thoughts that make me feel like a bad person
So i started summer school this past week. it is so different from UCLA it's ridiculous. community college is like basically mostly fobs, the random group of people who had other things planned for their lives, and the rest those who didn't get in anywhere else. at UCLA I am definitely on the bottom in terms of intellect- it's fine with me, I always prefer being below everyone else and having to be challenged. The professors don't give you the time of day cause their own achievements are for the most part usually more important than your problems. They also care more about your learning than your GPA, which gives them leeway to give a ton of work and grade hard. At community college, professors may have lives but they care about the student's learning more than at UCLA. they'll repeat information a billion times just to make sure everyone understands, go over topics again and again with different examples...etc. they also understand that it's a priority for a student to have a good GPA. "if you do these things you'll surely boost your GPA in my class" "blah blah TAKE NOTE I WILL TEXT THIS blah blah. blah blah AND THIS WILL BE ON THE MIDTERM blah blah blah etc"
I think i might know why some ivy leaguers are so pompous and full of it. just writing this down and the fact that i think these thoughts are making me rather pompous and mean myself.
well. community college is relaxing. i think i will shoot myself if i don't get As in the two classes. I'm taking American gov & political science which is repeated information i've learned from my 8th grade US government class, my sophomore US history class, and my senior year econ class (which is actually sophomore level). Teacher is great, my peers are all really nice and participate a lot. So it's certainly a fun and relaxing class. My other class is ancient art history. the teacher is absolutely hilarious, i mean legitimately funny. comparing to my modernism teacher i had all of last year, i can understand this guy perfectly. he also uses modern day examples to make poor non-art majors understand. he has cited music, movies like avatar, and when he tells us the myths behind the art work, the stories are vivid and engaging. about 95% of the students in my class are non-art majors simply taking it cause they need to fulfill requirements. To them, this professor is boring. oh man. if they took my modernism class they wouldn't survive. MY own self didn't survive. there are dents in my soul from taking that class. today in class i promised my polisci teacher i wouldn't surf the web (no one in my polisci class uses laptops to take notes?!?!) in trying to keep my promise, in my second class i ended up playing solitaire the whole entire four hours. sheesh.
there are also some really annoying fobs who sat a few rows above me..with a white guy there too. they kept talking in class and giggling like some dumb girls. it's too bad the white guy is so far the only guy that has caught my eye that i have seen on campus. he just seems so immature though.
on the topic of fobs, i remain certain that i can't stand fobs. about 70% of both of my classes are fobs. legit. fresh off the boat. like my dad proposed that my mom create a community college so people from china could send there kids to college so they could transfer to a better american university. why? it's all the rage right now. some of them are sweet, and i like them cause they really really try and contribute a lot in class and have good points. IF ONLY I COULD UNDERSTAND THEIR ENGLISH!! the ones that don't talk are the worse with the worst accents who (if i were them i'd do the same too) are too embarrassed to speak english cause they can't and don't use speaking english and integrating with american culture to improve their english.
fobs. girls wear the cute clothing, light pink and white, floral, soft. hello kitty, bedazzled phone case, burnt colored hair. the guys are gayishly stylish with spiked up long hair, and wear those hip hop nikes, armani jackets and expensively tight jeans that show their nonexistant package and their faces look too girly to be true. these fobs appear for the most part meek but when they're with their friends who speak the same language, they jabber away and giggle constantly even when it's inappropriate to talk. it's like lone wolves who join packs. they move in packs or they're invisible. one or the other.
yikes. i still have to remind myself though that i can sometimes be mistaken as a fob. i have dyed hair, i like hello kitty, and i hang out with a ton of asians at UCLA. for those who know me, you'd realize that all the asians i hang out with are quite white on the inside like me, all of them. however, the epiphany hit me when i was making fun of two fobby girls walking down frat row, that I also walk down frat row with my best friend all the time-who is asian. to confirm this fact that i can be mistaken as a fob, this guy (the guy from the last entry) was making fun of me for being with 'my asian friends' during undie run and i was thinking to myself 'wait a second. we're all asian. i thought we were white. but HE thinks we're all a bunch of asian girls running around together....' i was certainly bemused.
on another topic that certainly makes me feel elevated and self-centered and full of it.
in all my life at concord i certainly felt ugly if not plain. i watched all of my friends get boys before me, have boys attracted to them, etc. at dances i never got asked. everrr. finally i started getting boyfriends and then it seemed like i was never single. maybe not until junior year did i realize that all my life, every guy i have liked liked me back at some point, except for one. (who is the one that caused this epiphany) anyways. reasons? well, julie, you were the one who got depressed and was standoffish, shy, and dressed like an emo and goth. that certainly will pull people towards you. second reason? well dianna told me that guys in concord are dumb cause they never admit a girl is attractive. i think i might believe that. only after i moved did 3 guys admit they had a crush on me. pussies. then i moved to palo alto, i hoped that i could attract friends but i was invisible. whatever.
UCLA is when my ego and self confidence went shooting past the roof. i got hit on, guys were attracted to me, they admitted it, guys payed attention to me and flirt with me. i kept getting weirded out but on the inside i was feeling warm with happiness. of course maybe i dress slutty. i don't think i do, but i certainly don't dress conservatively. there are certain things that guys have done that make me think that maybe i do seem slutty =( poor daddy used to complain that i was fat and now he complains about my clothes. also this year another possible reason has come up as to why people don't approach me. apparently even past my goth phase i am intimidating and scary. my best friend was apparently scared of me when she met me. other people have told me that i am really intimidating until they get to know me. what?!?!
so at community college i've realized that people gravitate towards me. so in class usually until i hate the class i participate a ton. in poli sci we have these groups... and i took initiative cause everyone else didn't feel like talking. then i realized that people listened to me, expected me to talk, and looked at me when they contributed to the discussion. i wish i could apply this odd occurance outside of classes. outside of classes i am too socially awkward and self aware to ever start things and be leaders. maybe somehow i can pretend i'm in class and try to a leader? i don't know. i want to be. i always end up being pushed into the shadows and becoming invisible as i currently am in my sorority... (ugh about sorority. i may be beautiful or some shit, but i am either goddamn initmidating or i easy become invisible and forgotten, even to those who are close to me.... some people are just born that way. like their aura just makes them invisible. this really becomes transparent in the world of greek politics. well. that's another rant)
in art history today a girl talked to me, and then during a break a guy started talking to me. after that break the guy who sat directly behind me started talking to me and then the fob group+1whiteguy started talking to me. after class i shook hands with the guy behind me, and then 1whiteguy was calling me 'the girl from bahston. bwahhhhhston', and the guy from break kind of cut off 1whiteguy, caught up to me and talked to me again. it must be the college. everyone must be insanely nicer and open to meeting people. at ucla everyone minds their own business and strut around and talk to only their equals. sheesh.
anyways. now that i feel sufficiently worse about myself by elevating myself, i've decided that community college is bad for me. alas, as much as i try very hard to be openminded, generous, nice, and accepting of a person, i am far from that since i am only human =(. figure this is all better than if i were still legit depressed. now being depressed only comes when i am overly overwhelmed, feeling completely alone (which happens at UCLA). before, being depressed was random and for reasons that aren't backed up enough to be legit. (i've been rereading my 8th grade diary and sheesh i was a fucking mess) it really must have been the chemicals. i always told myself i could pull myself out of depression. its thanks to my friends, and people appreciating me that has made my self confidence boost insanely. of course a few comments can easily crumble everything down again, but now it's easy to come back up and now i'm not worth nothing.
i am trying to watch a ton of movies this summer to catch up since i rarely watch new movies... so far this summer i have watched
500 Days of Summer
The Soloist
Princess and the Frog
My Best friend's Girlfriend
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Karate Kid
The Ugly Truth
and there are a billion more i want to watch
I think i might know why some ivy leaguers are so pompous and full of it. just writing this down and the fact that i think these thoughts are making me rather pompous and mean myself.
well. community college is relaxing. i think i will shoot myself if i don't get As in the two classes. I'm taking American gov & political science which is repeated information i've learned from my 8th grade US government class, my sophomore US history class, and my senior year econ class (which is actually sophomore level). Teacher is great, my peers are all really nice and participate a lot. So it's certainly a fun and relaxing class. My other class is ancient art history. the teacher is absolutely hilarious, i mean legitimately funny. comparing to my modernism teacher i had all of last year, i can understand this guy perfectly. he also uses modern day examples to make poor non-art majors understand. he has cited music, movies like avatar, and when he tells us the myths behind the art work, the stories are vivid and engaging. about 95% of the students in my class are non-art majors simply taking it cause they need to fulfill requirements. To them, this professor is boring. oh man. if they took my modernism class they wouldn't survive. MY own self didn't survive. there are dents in my soul from taking that class. today in class i promised my polisci teacher i wouldn't surf the web (no one in my polisci class uses laptops to take notes?!?!) in trying to keep my promise, in my second class i ended up playing solitaire the whole entire four hours. sheesh.
there are also some really annoying fobs who sat a few rows above me..with a white guy there too. they kept talking in class and giggling like some dumb girls. it's too bad the white guy is so far the only guy that has caught my eye that i have seen on campus. he just seems so immature though.
on the topic of fobs, i remain certain that i can't stand fobs. about 70% of both of my classes are fobs. legit. fresh off the boat. like my dad proposed that my mom create a community college so people from china could send there kids to college so they could transfer to a better american university. why? it's all the rage right now. some of them are sweet, and i like them cause they really really try and contribute a lot in class and have good points. IF ONLY I COULD UNDERSTAND THEIR ENGLISH!! the ones that don't talk are the worse with the worst accents who (if i were them i'd do the same too) are too embarrassed to speak english cause they can't and don't use speaking english and integrating with american culture to improve their english.
fobs. girls wear the cute clothing, light pink and white, floral, soft. hello kitty, bedazzled phone case, burnt colored hair. the guys are gayishly stylish with spiked up long hair, and wear those hip hop nikes, armani jackets and expensively tight jeans that show their nonexistant package and their faces look too girly to be true. these fobs appear for the most part meek but when they're with their friends who speak the same language, they jabber away and giggle constantly even when it's inappropriate to talk. it's like lone wolves who join packs. they move in packs or they're invisible. one or the other.
yikes. i still have to remind myself though that i can sometimes be mistaken as a fob. i have dyed hair, i like hello kitty, and i hang out with a ton of asians at UCLA. for those who know me, you'd realize that all the asians i hang out with are quite white on the inside like me, all of them. however, the epiphany hit me when i was making fun of two fobby girls walking down frat row, that I also walk down frat row with my best friend all the time-who is asian. to confirm this fact that i can be mistaken as a fob, this guy (the guy from the last entry) was making fun of me for being with 'my asian friends' during undie run and i was thinking to myself 'wait a second. we're all asian. i thought we were white. but HE thinks we're all a bunch of asian girls running around together....' i was certainly bemused.
on another topic that certainly makes me feel elevated and self-centered and full of it.
in all my life at concord i certainly felt ugly if not plain. i watched all of my friends get boys before me, have boys attracted to them, etc. at dances i never got asked. everrr. finally i started getting boyfriends and then it seemed like i was never single. maybe not until junior year did i realize that all my life, every guy i have liked liked me back at some point, except for one. (who is the one that caused this epiphany) anyways. reasons? well, julie, you were the one who got depressed and was standoffish, shy, and dressed like an emo and goth. that certainly will pull people towards you. second reason? well dianna told me that guys in concord are dumb cause they never admit a girl is attractive. i think i might believe that. only after i moved did 3 guys admit they had a crush on me. pussies. then i moved to palo alto, i hoped that i could attract friends but i was invisible. whatever.
UCLA is when my ego and self confidence went shooting past the roof. i got hit on, guys were attracted to me, they admitted it, guys payed attention to me and flirt with me. i kept getting weirded out but on the inside i was feeling warm with happiness. of course maybe i dress slutty. i don't think i do, but i certainly don't dress conservatively. there are certain things that guys have done that make me think that maybe i do seem slutty =( poor daddy used to complain that i was fat and now he complains about my clothes. also this year another possible reason has come up as to why people don't approach me. apparently even past my goth phase i am intimidating and scary. my best friend was apparently scared of me when she met me. other people have told me that i am really intimidating until they get to know me. what?!?!
so at community college i've realized that people gravitate towards me. so in class usually until i hate the class i participate a ton. in poli sci we have these groups... and i took initiative cause everyone else didn't feel like talking. then i realized that people listened to me, expected me to talk, and looked at me when they contributed to the discussion. i wish i could apply this odd occurance outside of classes. outside of classes i am too socially awkward and self aware to ever start things and be leaders. maybe somehow i can pretend i'm in class and try to a leader? i don't know. i want to be. i always end up being pushed into the shadows and becoming invisible as i currently am in my sorority... (ugh about sorority. i may be beautiful or some shit, but i am either goddamn initmidating or i easy become invisible and forgotten, even to those who are close to me.... some people are just born that way. like their aura just makes them invisible. this really becomes transparent in the world of greek politics. well. that's another rant)
in art history today a girl talked to me, and then during a break a guy started talking to me. after that break the guy who sat directly behind me started talking to me and then the fob group+1whiteguy started talking to me. after class i shook hands with the guy behind me, and then 1whiteguy was calling me 'the girl from bahston. bwahhhhhston', and the guy from break kind of cut off 1whiteguy, caught up to me and talked to me again. it must be the college. everyone must be insanely nicer and open to meeting people. at ucla everyone minds their own business and strut around and talk to only their equals. sheesh.
anyways. now that i feel sufficiently worse about myself by elevating myself, i've decided that community college is bad for me. alas, as much as i try very hard to be openminded, generous, nice, and accepting of a person, i am far from that since i am only human =(. figure this is all better than if i were still legit depressed. now being depressed only comes when i am overly overwhelmed, feeling completely alone (which happens at UCLA). before, being depressed was random and for reasons that aren't backed up enough to be legit. (i've been rereading my 8th grade diary and sheesh i was a fucking mess) it really must have been the chemicals. i always told myself i could pull myself out of depression. its thanks to my friends, and people appreciating me that has made my self confidence boost insanely. of course a few comments can easily crumble everything down again, but now it's easy to come back up and now i'm not worth nothing.
i am trying to watch a ton of movies this summer to catch up since i rarely watch new movies... so far this summer i have watched
500 Days of Summer
The Soloist
Princess and the Frog
My Best friend's Girlfriend
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Karate Kid
The Ugly Truth
and there are a billion more i want to watch