Cont'd
I didn't want all of that to be lost due to some computer error....Lord knows that's happened way to many times to me before...and I couldn't copy and past what I had already typed! It wouldn't let me! How annoying!
Anywho...
That’s how I remember it all beginning....How the years that would be some of my hardest would test and try me....and wondering how I’d come out in the end. I feel like when I finish this entry the past 6 years of my life will have been relived....but....maybe not...and if they do...I really don’t care...it IS MY journal....I have always wanted to sit down and write like this...but never did...never felt like I had the time...never had the clear state of mind in order to be able to do it like I’d want....but of course...when it’s 12:39 at night and nothing else is going on in the house to disturb.....one can tend to feel pretty free....or at least I do. I’ve gotta be up early enough to get ready to go to graduation and still have gotten a good night’s rest...but I’m not going to worry about that right now. Sometimes I look back on it all and have regrets....but sometimes I don't....Sometimes I look around and see where I am in comparison to where I wanted to be by this time and don't feel a bit of happiness....Yet...it's been said that in order to look at what someone has achieved...you don't look at where they are...but where they've been and what they've been through to get there....I guess that's the best thing to describe my achievements...It kinda doesn't quite make much sense really.....I mean...I failed 3 classes...but...still have made Who's Who....Nat'l Honor Society...YLD...SONY STAR CLASS....other various nat'l achievement things...and been invited numerous times to do various youth stuff in Washington D.C, CA, VA, etc etc... When I look at the bad times...they were really bad...People would have never guessed I had failed anything...Everyone always had this rediculous notion of me that I thought I was perfect....What the crap?!? lol...I guess it just further proves the depth of the student population of Northview High School...Everytime I hit a low I always tried to deal with it and get over it....I didn't see the point in dwelling on it. Besides...so much of what hurt was from external sources...and they made me have to look at myself from their point of view and try to see what they saw and attempt to understand why they did what they did to me.I had been dealing with that type of thing in school since as far back as I could remember...People weren't going to change...and neither was I... In all actuality...they didn't matter any more than a $20 bill on the ground does to Bill Gates.....I liked who I was...and I wasn't going to let anyone get me down....I had every reason to be happy...and I made the most of it.
That was about the first two years of HS....the third was really getting fed up with what people thought of me and never being able to show them the truth. I have always tried to give people second chances because I understand people make mistakes, have bad days, say things they don't mean, and every once in a while, actually change...I stood by my optomism and refused to let adversity get me down...I saw a new year and a new chance...and by George I had my fill that year...I had just said people never change...Lord only knows where I got the crazy notion that they might've that year! In short....A.P. History. I really did loathe that class. I hated every single bit of it....being freezing cold in Mr.Creamer's room....being disrespected...being left out...being the only one that happened to get one EVERYONE's nerves no matter HOW TINY the thing was....And you know, I don't think it would've been all that difficult to handle if I didn't have the other things going on around me that were going on. I had spread myself too thin and I broke...I remember that being the first half of junior year...and then the crap with Jeff being the second half...I remember it taxing all I had left...Boy that was rough...Yet...I learned sooooo much that year....and for that sole reason...I can never be ungreatful.
Summer was a bunch of senior stuff...and babysitting...and Mom nagging me to "do something about the one credit I lacked to graduate"....and neeeeever doin' it...yeah...then the next thing I knew I was slamming into senior year. For once, the year hadn't been about the drama...it was about "Oh my gawd! I'm leayvin' next ye-ah and this is the last football game of high school!" or...Whatever the hell else people have been gettin' mushy and whiney about...I mean...don't get me wrong...I understand and all...and yeah...I'm fussin'....but it's only because it's just not me...It seems to me that so many people think they should feel that way...so they do...but if you really stop to think about it, they'll still see the people they care to see and the whole world REALLY isn't going to end...I mean come on...You KNOW a lot of them are just gonna keep on doing the same things in college as they did in HS! Ok...so maybe I know...and it's because I've seen it....I can only list a handfull of Kenneth's friends and peers from Northview who have really changed and made something of themselves since graduation, and Kelli can still look through her '87 NHS senior yearbook and tell me who turned out how and all of that...I suppose maybe that's why not walking with the rest of my peers has yet to really bother me. I have never been able to see my life fit some kind of stereo-type to a "T" and I've ALWAYS gone against the grain...This is just one more example proving it...Perhaps it's just the actuality of it all that has me a little unsettled.
It's crazy the way life goes by...It feels crazy the way my life has gone by...I'll never accept the fact my brother is 24...that's just too weird...This past year has simply been a whirlwind of deadlines and more deadlines...and I'm glad it's over because now I feel like I can stop to breathe and get back to my roots...go back to playing my flute...and music...go back to being physically fit again...go back to doing what I want to do...go back to church for crying out loud...Go back to being able to "reflect", as Coach Brunner calls it, on my life and soak up every single experience for all it's worth. The only times I would stop to reflect were the times I would be laying in bed to go to sleep and would be talking to God about how my day went and what I thought about it and hoping I would never forget it, whether it was good or bad...because I knew He put it all there for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes....But...it always took up a lot of time...something I felt like I didn't have a lot of...and it's been tugging on my heart ever since...Every single Sunday I useta could always count on hearing exactly what I needed during Bro. Van's sermon...I loved Wednesday nights because I learned something new and loved how I felt afterward...Then things changed...and I changed...and I haven't liked it one bit...I always said, "no time! no time! NO tiiiime!!!" Well...now I got time...and it's time to get back to mah rootz!
To me, high school is the time of your life where you're supposed to figure out who you are so that when you get out on your own in college you can make the best of it and keep on improving...And well...I had to do that figuring out stuff back in the ye ol' days of middle school...I've Vini Vidi Viccied...and now it's time for me to go nowhere but up.....and to sleep! Sheesh! It's 2 already!!!