To the point of breaking

[swshawnee]

Title: To the point of breaking
Pairing: Keo
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Non-AU, fluff, angst, songfic: Nell - 청춘연가 (Green Nocturne)
Summary: In which Taekwoon and Jaehwan tries to make their relationship last while dreaming about a future they may never have.
Wordcount: 8,556
A/N: This was a request.



”Are we being stupid?” Jaehwan asks one day. ”For trying to make this work?”

He's perched on the kitchen counter in their dorm while Taekwoon stands by the stove, making ramen. It's just the two of them tonight, and much needed privacy for honest conversation. Taekwoon frowns into the pot. ”No,” he says, but after a moment's hesitation he adds: ”Are we?”

”That's what I'm wondering. I mean, will there ever come a day when we can be an actual, real couple?”

Taekwoon blinks, feels stupid and stirs the ramen in front of him. ”We are an actual, real couple already, Jaehwan. Other people not knowing doesn't make us any less real.”

”Okay, true,” Jaehwan says after a moment, feet thumping softly against the counter. ”But it's not like we could move in together, or anything. Everyone would know. Know what I mean?”

”We already live together,” Taekwoon states. He doesn't like thinking about the future much. Especially when the present is this good.

”Yeah, with four other guys, who we have to hide from twenty four hours of the day,” Jaehwan grumbles. ”It's not exactly a honeymoon fantasy.” Taekwoon grunts in response. ”I mean... As much as I hate to think about it, but when VIXX ends... What's going to happen? With us?”

”Jaehwan,” Taekwoon tries, turning the heat down on the stove. ”I will still want you, and if you still want me, then that's all that matters. Okay?” He shakes his hair down to cover his eyes from the younger's sight. ”Other people only need to know what we tell them.”

He busies himself with the stove, doing things that don't need doing, and eventually Jaehwan seems to agree with him. ”I suppose you're right. And maybe by then, we'll have told the others. And everyone else that should know.”

Taekwoon turns the stove off and walks over to where the other is sitting. Jaehwan's hair is tousled from barely having left the bed all day, and he's dressed in sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, making Taekwoon's heart beat faster with just one look. ”This is all so far in to the future anyway,” Taekwoon says, hands on Jaehwan's hips, legs leaned against legs. ”Why are you thinking about it?”

Jaehwan shrugs at first, a small grin on his lips. ”I don't know. I like thinking about the future with you.”

”Really?” Taekwoon asks, and Jaehwan nods with a happy smile on his face. ”What do you think about?”

Jaehwan breaks their eye contact, looking down, and his smile turns somewhat sheepish. ”I... I was thinking about this just earlier, actually.”

”What?” Taekwoon urges him on. His hands stroke Jaehwan's thighs to assure him he has nothing to worry about, that Taekwoon would never laugh at him - but in truth, he must know this already.

”I had this image... of us, in the future. Where we live together.” His hands curl themselves into the front of Taekwoon's shirt, eyes turning a little hazy as he takes himself back to his fantasy. ”It's this beautiful summer day, and I keep nagging you to go outside, but you just want to stay in all day to watch the summer Olympics.” He looks up, laughing, and Taekwoon can't help but smile along. ”So we lie on the couch - we have a wide, nice couch so it's okay - and while you watch the game, or the race, whatever, I'm curled into you like a koala. It's really hot, even though we have an electric fan on over by the television and both windows open. And... I keep pretending like I'm annoyed, when really I love lying beside you... like that.” Seemingly realizing what he is doing, Jaehwan lets go of Taekwoon's shirt, looking up into his eyes again.

And like that, Taekwoon, who thought he was in love with every part of Jaehwan already, falls in love with Jaehwan's imagination. With his faith. With all the things he has yet to discover about the younger man. And he knows it then; he will never be able to let go of him until they've experienced those summer Olympics, sweating on the couch in their future house. Or their future apartment. Taekwoon isn't picky.

”What?” Jaehwan asks, and Taekwoon realizes he is staring, so he looks away, shaking his head.

”Nothing. I just- It sounded amazing, Jaehwan.”

Jaehwan pulls him closer, hands clasped behind Taekwoon's back. ”Of course it did,” he says matter-of-factly. ”It's you and me.” He pushes himself even closer when Taekwoon kisses him, threatening to fall off the counter, right into Taekwoon's arms. If he did, it wouldn't be the worst thing, but the way he presses himself against the older's chest sends thoughts of dinner scrambling from Taekwoon's mind instantly. They'll get there someday, he thinks as Jaehwan's hands wander down his back, and he believes it with all his heart. There is simply no stopping a love this strong.

Their first kiss is starting to become long ago; a little over three years. It wasn't sudden. Falling in love took them approximately twenty minutes, and even though it took them months to finally own up to it, they both knew all along.

It happened in a Japanese hotel room. The day had been filled with promotional schedules, and as always at that time, they were both drawn to each other like magnets, longing to stay by each other's sides for as long as they possibly could. That's why, when they arrived at their shared hotel room by the end of the night and found the two beds positioned at opposite ends of the room, they both found themselves simply staring at them, both silently wishing they could lie down together. Eventually, Taekwoon walked over to the bed at the opposite end of the room, too exhausted to think clearly. Jaehwan remained where he was standing, just inside the door, nervously shifting his weight between his feet.

”Jaehwan,” Taekwoon said when he sat down on the sheets. Jaehwan looked at him, equally as tired, nervous, anticipating. ”Come here.”

Jaehwan did so after only a few moments of hesitation. They could both feel it; the wish that something would happen that night, after having spent so many days longing to be closer to each other. Taekwoon laid down on the bed, gesturing for Jaehwan to lie down beside him, and the younger did. The two of them laid by each other's side, both with their hearts racing in their chests.

Too tired to waste any time, Taekwoon wrapped his arm around Jaehwan, whose hand came up to rest against Taekwoon's cheek. ”Is this okay?” Taekwoon asked, moving in closer, feeling Jaehwan's heart beat with his other hand.

Jaehwan nodded. ”It's okay,” he whispered, gaze darting between Taekwoon's eyes, lips parting slightly until Taekwoon covered them with his.

When they are together, Taekwoon feels at ease to speak, to say all the things he never says in anyone else's company. And Jaehwan - well, he isn't quiet, exactly, because that is not his nature, but all he nonsense, all the jokes he uses to distract others from certain parts of himself all fall away when he and Taekwoon spend time alone. All that is left is real.

”Fifteen years from now,” Taekwoon says, leaning on his elbow while his free hand sits just below Jaehwan's collarbone. ”Where will we be?”

The question itself makes Jaehwan flutter, but he keeps his face turned towards the ceiling, closing his eyes. ”In fifteen years... Hold on...” He calculates quickly, counting skipped heartbeats and breaths coming out short. ”Ah, yes,” he says with a smile, ”There we are. I see us. Thirty eight year old me and forty year old you.” He creaks one eye open to look at the twenty five year old Taekwoon in their present, and the older is smiling at him, so he continues. ”I see us... living in a house by the ocean. Oh, and you must have continued composing and making music, because we're currently out on a very expensive looking boat.”

Taekwoon kisses his shoulder. ”Are we alone?”

Jaehwan squints. ”Mm, it's hard to say. I think we're alone for now. Perhaps the kids are at a sleep over, or something.”

”So it's our day off.”

”Yeah,” Jaehwan confirms, keeping his eyes closed. ”I guess the neighbor is watching our dog, too.”

”We have nice neighbors.”

”The best.”

Jaehwan's eyes grow heavier as Taekwoon's hand comes up to caress his jaw. ”So what are we doing there? On the boat?”

Jaehwan leans his head into his hand. ”We've just eaten,” he says, seeing it clearly for his inner eye. ”Now you're telling me... it's bad to go swimming just after you've eaten, because you could get a cramp.” They both chuckle. ”And I'll just save us both the time and tell you right now that that's a myth.”

”I got it.”

”I want to go for a swim, but you're being a lazy-ass who just wants to lie on deck and watch the sunset. So, after some bickering, I take most of my clothes off and jump over the side of the boat. It must be cold, too, because I'm screaming bloody murder.” He pauses to laugh, and Taekwoon nudges his shoulder.

”What? What's so funny?”

”You know, when I jumped, it sent the whole boat swaying,” Jaehwan responds, grinning. ”You're trying to find your balance and telling me to stop screaming, because it echoes across the water and people could think I'm drowning, but you're laughing too hard to get the words out properly.”

By the sound of it, Taekwoon lies down on his side, crawling in close and nuzzling his face against Jaehwan's cheek. ”You know,” he says, breath warm on Jaehwan's skin, ”you really shouldn't yell at sea.”

”You've told future me a million times already. But future me doesn't care. The water's cold.”

Taekwoon exhales against him. ”That sounds like us, alright.”

”Oh,” Jaehwan grins. ”Because you said people might think I need help, I'm pretending to drown.”

Taekwoon nudges him again. ”That's mean.”

”I'm swimming underwater and you're starting to look freaked out,” Jaehwan laughs. ”Hyung, I'm sorry, but it seems future me still thinks you're adorable when you get all protective.”

”So mean,” Taekwoon sighs.

”You're yelling now. My name. Gosh, I feel bad. Future Jaehwan, you're a jerk.”

”Big jerk.”

Jaehwan gasps. ”You're jumping in after me now. Oh, be still my heart.”

”I can't believe you made me do that,” Taekwoon complains. ”I told you I didn't want to go for a swim.”

”You'll come around, I'm sure,” Jaehwan grins. ”Oh... uh... guess I was wrong. Future you looks really pissed.” He grimaces. ”Seems like you realized I wasn't in any actual danger and you're swimming back to the boat. Oops.”

Taekwoon shakes his head. ”I'm never going to learn, am I?”

”Doesn't seem like it,” Jaehwan replies. ”Sorry.”

”Has future me learned how to stay mad at you for more than two minutes at a time?”

”That remains to be seen,” Jaehwan says, squinting. ”I'm swimming after you now, climbing up the ladder... Oh. Oh, wow. I don't know if it's because this is my fantasy, but it seems you've already forgiven me. We're kissing already. Hm.” Taekwoon's foot gives a soft kick to Jaehwan's shin. ”Ah, we'd better give us some privacy.”

”We should,” Taekwoon agrees, his hand on Jaehwan's cheek, forcing him to face him. Jaehwan opens his eyes, in a sense sad to leave his fantasy, but when he sees Taekwoon looking back at him he remembers that the present is not much worse. Taekwoon kisses him, and he closes his eyes again, this time not to escape, but to melt into the other's careful touch.

When Taekwoon pulls back, he doesn't look Jaehwan in the eye. ”What about our house?” he asks, apparently wanting to stay in the fantasy for a while longer. ”Can you tell me about it?”

”Hm,” Jaehwan replies. ”Since we're out on the boat right now, I can't tell. We'd have to check back in later, when we're at home.”

Taekwoon nods, mere centimeters from Jaehwan's face. ”Okay,” he agrees softly, hands combing through the hair on the back of Jaehwan's head. ”Later.”

”We shouldn't be out much longer,” Jaehwan breathes, smiling now. ”Unless... Do you think we're mad enough to have sex on deck?”

Taekwoon chuckles. ”As long as you're involved, I wouldn't put it past us.” Jaehwan's smile grows at that, as if it's the happiest thing he's ever heard. Taekwoon smiles with him for a moment, but it falters as quickly as it grew. ”Jaehwan,” he says after a few moments, quiet and tentative, ”I want all of that so much.”

Jaehwan nods, taking the other's unoccupied hand in his. ”Can't we have that? Someday?”

They lie side by side, looking at each other. Neither of them is embarrassed, but they're both nervous, because sometimes that dream seems so far away - and sometimes it seems like they've almost reached it already.

”Yeah,” says Taekwoon in the end, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. ”I think we can. Someday.”

Jaehwan warms up in response. Taekwoon's hand in his seems surreal, but more believable than anything else he has ever felt. ”I mean, we have fifteen years to get there. That should be more than enough time to prepare, right?”

Taekwoon laughs, closing the distance between them. ”It's enough.”

”I have one,” Taekwoon says, and Jaehwan's ears perk up. Imagining their future has become a game they play, a game that keeps them both strong.

”Yay,” Jaehwan squeaks. ”Tell me.”

They're lying on their backs on Taekwoon's bed, in Taekwoon's and Hakyeon's shared room, Jaehwan leaning his head on Taekwoon's arm. Taekwoon pretends to squint in his best impersonation of a concentrated Jaehwan.”I see us... at an amusement park.”

”Oh, I love amusement parks,” Jaehwan interjects at once. ”In Seoul? Are we at Lotte world?”

Taekwoon considers it for a moment, but shakes his head. ”No. It looks like we're abroad. Somewhere... where people are used to seeing two boys hold hands.”

”Are we going on any roller coasters?” Jaehwan asks, a bit more toned down.

”We have,” Taekwoon snorts. ”You've dragged me onto all sorts of death machines. But now we're sitting on a bench, resting. I've bought cotton candy for you.”

”Oh, hyung,” Jaehwan swoons, pressing a kiss to Taekwoon's cheek.

”You keep mocking the face I made when we got off the biggest, most horrible roller coaster, so I rip some cotton candy from the cone and stuff it into your mouth.”

Jaehwan laughs, scandalized look in his eyes as he lifts his head to look at the other. ”Your fingers will get sticky, you know.”

Taekwoon smiles. ”Future you says the same thing. That's why you... bow your head and kiss my fingertips.”

He feels Jaehwan's eyes in his side. ”And none of the people around us think it's strange at all?”

Taekwoon shakes his head. ”No one.”

”Like it's the most natural thing in the world.”

”Mm,” Taekwoon confirms. ”As natural for them as it is for us.”

Jaehwan's fingers graze Taekwoon's clothed chest as he reaches across for Taekwoon's hand. He brings it to his lips, kissing each of his fingertips with care, taking his time and bringing Taekwoon's fingers into his mouth, and Taekwoon closes his eyes, his heart racing. ”Jaehwan,” he whispers. ”Stop.”

”Why?” Jaehwan's leg wraps around Taekwoon's.

Taekwoon finds it harder to breathe immediately. ”Because the others will be home soon.”

”Oh, hyung,” Jaehwan says, and Taekwoon notices that his breathing is ragged, too. ”I can make it quick.” He pulls himself up on top of Taekwoon, pressing his lips against Taekwoon's jaw. Taekwoon knows it's a bad idea, that the others could come home at any moment, but his hands find their way to Jaehwan's sides so naturally that he can't bring himself to say no. ”Yes?” Jaehwan murmurs against his cheek, and Taekwoon nods before forcing Jaehwan's head up to kiss him properly.

”Quick,” he breathes between kisses, and Jaehwan smiles against his lips. He leans on his elbow while allowing his other hand to slide down Taekwoon's body, down into his pants without a second thought, stroking and palming him through his underwear. Taekwoon tenses, and that's when the door opens. Though it's quiet, both Taekwoon's and Jaehwan's heads snap towards the doorway, freezing in position.

Hakyeon steps through the door, but comes to a halt immediately when he realizes what he's seeing. Jaehwan yanks his hand out of Taekwoon's pants in a flash, and he climbs off the older man's body, eyes fixed on the floor when he doesn't dare to face Hakyeon's eyes.

”What is this?” Hakyeon says. He sounds afraid, and he gets no response.”Taekwoon, you tell me right now, what is this?”

Taekwoon and Jaehwan both inch towards the edge of the bed, feet on the floor below. ”I...” he starts, but he has no idea what to say. Him and Jaehwan were nowhere near telling the others; they haven't even discussed it between the two of them yet, but here they are, forced to explain themselves.

When Taekwoon doesn't finish the sentence, Hakyeon exhales in frustration. ”Please... Don't tell me the two of you are stupid enough to be so reckless just to soothe your loneliness. Please, don't say that.”

”No,” Taekwoon hurries. ”No, it's... It's not like that.”

”Then what?”

He looks to Jaehwan, but the younger keeps his eyes locked on the carpet. He hates disappointing anybody, Hakyeon in particular, Taekwoon knows. ”We're... we're...”

”Together?” Hakyeon questions. ”A couple? You two?”

Taekwoon throws one last glance at Jaehwan before he nods. ”Yeah. A couple.”

Hakyeon closes the door. He stands there, looking at them, speechless, and Taekwoon can't bring himself to look back at him. He says nothing, and eventually Hakyeon sits down on his own bed, opposite Taekwoon's. ”I have no idea what to say. How can the two of you be so reckless? Don't you understand how dangerous that is?” Taekwoon and Jaehwan both rush to nod, but Hakyeon doesn't seem interested in stopping. ”What if somebody finds out, huh? Have you not thought of that? What if it wasn't me who came home just now, but one of the manager hyungs, and they walked in on you two like this? What then?”

”I'm sorry,” Taekwoon says, and Jaehwan gives a weak ”Sorry” from beside him.

Hakyeon stands up again. ”I'm not looking for apologies here! I'm asking you what the hell you two are thinking. If you two get find out, apologies aren't going to help anything!” He paces, but stops almost instantly and turns towards them. ” How long has this been going on for?”

Taekwoon turns to Jaehwan again, and finally, the younger returns his gaze. But he looks hollow, sick with guilt, and Taekwoon can't decipher the look he gives him. So, he settles for telling the truth. ”...A little more than... three years.”

Hakyeon sits down again, heavy. ”Three years,” he repeats, voice emotionless. Taekwoon nods, eyes cast downwards. ”All this time...” Hakyeon looks between the two of them. ”So you two are really serious about this?”

Jaehwan nods, and Taekwoon is quick to join in. ”We're not just messing around,” Taekwoon says, very careful.

”So all this time...” Hakyeon says slowly, ”you've been putting our group's reputation on the line, and you haven't even thought to tell me.”

”Of course we've thought to tell you, Hakyeon,” Taekwoon objects. ”But... We didn't know...”

”How I would react?” Hakyeon finishes for him. ”Perhaps you were afraid that I would react just like this?”

Taekwoon takes a quivering breath. ”We were afraid that you... wouldn't like it.”

”Well, of course I don't like it, Taekwoon!” Hakyeon half yells at him. They both flinch, shrinking where they sit. ”Okay, Taekwoon,” their leader says then, ”come with me. We need to talk."

Hakyeon leads him into Wonshik's and Sanghyuk's room and sits them down on opposite beds again. Taekwoon plays with his fingers, scared of what Hakyeon might ask of him, guilty for leaving Jaehwan alone.

”What is this... thing between the two of you?” Hakyeon asks. ”What is it really?”

Taekwoon swallows. He's never been good with words, and he feels it now stronger than ever before. ”H-he makes me happy, Hakyeon. And I make him happy.”

Hakyeon shakes his head. ”I can't understand.”

”There's nothing to understand,” Taekwoon breathes. ”It's just... like if I had a girlfriend. It's... It's the same thing.”

”Except it's not a girlfriend,” Hakyeon says. ”It's Jaehwan.”

Taekwoon nods. ”It hasn't been a problem until now,” he tries. ”We've been together for three years and it hasn't been a problem even once, so please, don't ask us to...”

Hakyeon sighs when Taekwoon can't finish the sentence. He leans his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees, eyes closed. ”I'm trying to think of what's best for the group.” He lets his hands fall, looking Taekwoon in the eye. ”If I forced you to break up, you would both hate me, wouldn't you?” In the silence, Taekwoon thinks there's no such thing as hating Hakyeon, but he keeps quiet. ”And... you said you make each other happy, and if I take that away...” He trails off. Taekwoon holds his breath. ”Taekwoon. Listen to me. I'm counting on you to never, ever let anyone outside of the six of us find out. Do you understand? Not the manager hyungs, none of your friends that might pass the information on, nobody. Do you hear me?”

Taekwoon nods, relief pulsing through his veins. ”I understand. And I promise.”

”I'm not making this request lightly,” Hakyeon warns him. ”All it takes is that one slip-up, and once someone finds out, there's no taking it back.”

”Trust me,” Taekwoon says, ”I understand. No one but the six of us will know.”

”Okay,” Hakyeon says, nodding and gesturing towards the door, telling him he's allowed to leave. Taekwoon stands up. ”I'm counting on you both. It's not just your own careers you're risking here. Remember that.”

Taekwoon, of course, knows this all too well. ”I know,” he says, but when he makes to leave the room, Hakyeon speaks again.

”I just have to ask...” And Taekwoon comes to a stop with his hand on the door handle. He looks over his shoulder at Hakyeon, still sitting on the bed. ”What are you thinking? Is this... relationship something you want to commit to?”

Taekwoon stares at him. ”Yes.”

Hakyeon frowns. ”How do you see that happening?”

”What he and I have is just between the two of us,” Taekwoon replies, trying to keep his voice steady. For some reason, it is harder to picture their future when Hakyeon asks than it is when Jaehwan tells him about his visions. ”No one else has any say in that.”

Hakyeon shakes his head at him, a sad smile pulling at his lips. ”But that's not true,” he says. ”There's us... There's the company, your friends, your family...” Taekwoon swallows hard. ”No matter how hard you insist your relationship is only about the two of you, it affects so many other people, too.”

Taekwoon feels like he can't breathe. ”We'll see what happens,” he says. ”That's all way into the future anyway.”

”I suppose.” Hakyeon gets up off the bed. He places a hand on Taekwoon's shoulder, and they walk out into the hallway together. ”I just hope you'll be happy,” he says, and it feels like Hakyeon is conveying his condolences for a happiness that is already lost. Taekwoon tries to smile at him, but his skin hurts, so he hurries into his room, hurries back to Jaehwan, his virus, his vaccine.

Taekwoon grows resentful of Hakyeon, and by extension the remaining three members of the group. Even now, when the six of them are in their living room, talking about their upcoming vacation, he feels the anger well through him in waves. It's not that Hakyeon or the others treat him and Jaehwan any differently, because they don't. Not at all. In truth, he's not sure if the others know yet. But every time he thinks of his best friend's reaction, his rage grows wordlessly.

”What are your plans?” Hakyeon asks no one in particular. ”A whole two weeks off, guys. So much time to do things.”

Hongbin, on the floor with his back leaned against the couch, grunts. ”I'm going to go home and sleep. Nothing else.”

”Same,” grunts Wonshik from an armchair.

”Yup,” Sanghyuk agrees. ”Possibly wake up for meals. Not sure, though.”

Hakyeon snorts. ”You kids today are so lazy.”

Hongbin looks up at Hakyeon, who is sitting with Taekwoon and Jaehwan on the couch. ”What are you going to be doing, then?” he asks, with ill-disguised curiosity.

”I'm just going to be with my family. But at least I'm going to be awake for it.”

”He won't be able to sleep because he'll miss us so much,” Wonshik mock whispers to Sanghyuk, who laughs.

Hakyeon rolls his eyes and turns to Taekwoon and Jaehwan. ”I'm putting my faith in the two of you. What are you up to?”

”We're spending one week with Jaehwan's family and one week with mine,” Taekwoon answers quickly, wanting to force the words into Hakyeon's ears.

But instead of looking annoyed, Hakyeon seems impressed. ”Wow,” he says, ”you'd think you two would be sick of each other as it is. But that's cute.”

”Then you keep Jaehwan hyung out of the chat room,” Hongbin says to Taekwoon. ”Seriously, don't let him spam us with emojis like he usually does. Please.”

Jaehwan gives him an offended face and turns to Taekwoon with a pout. ”You wouldn't do that to me, would you, hyung?” Cuteness spills out of his voice in greasy floods, and Taekwoon shakes his head. He has long since turned off the notifications for that chat room either way.

”You'd better answer when I message you guys, though,” Hakyeon says, poking Hongbin's head.

”Aw, hyung,” Jaehwan coos, still using his cute voice. ”Are you scared we'll forget about you?” He leans away from Taekwoon, wrapping his arms around Hakyeon's shoulders and pushing his face into his arm as he feigns hysterical crying. ”How could we ever forget about our hyung?”

Hakyeon pats him on the back. ”You'd all better think of me at least every ten minutes, you hear? Those are the rules.” Jaehwan pulls back, and Hakyeon points at all of them one by one. As Jaehwan settles back in his spot, Taekwoon feels the sudden need to hold him in his embrace. He only hesitates for a couple of seconds before he wraps his arms around the younger, pulling him back against him to lean against his chest, to prove Hakyeon wrong, to provoke him, to provoke all of them for having the nerve to believe him and Jaehwan would not last.

They all look away, and that's how Taekwoon knows they know. But they don't look bothered; instead they stare at their nails or the floor or each other, all with small, knowing smiles on their faces. Jaehwan is tense in his arms, and Taekwoon wonders if he should just let him go.

”I won't,” Sanghyuk says then. ”I won't be thinking of any one of you. Mostly because I'll be unconscious for the full two weeks.”

”Hm,” Wonshik says, and then he laughs. ”Maybe we'll show up in your dreams instead.”

The youngest turns to him with a pained expression. ”Please, don't.”

But it's too late. ”Ooooohhh, Hyukie,” Hakyeon says, reaching over for Sanghyuk to slide his arms around his neck. ”Yes, let's meet in our dreams!” Sanghyuk scrambles to get away immediately, only to be held back by Hakyeon's surprisingly strong grip, and as the others laugh, Jaehwan relaxes against Taekwoon's body.

Taekwoon tries to do the same, but now that his band mates seem accepting of himself and Jaehwan, he has no reason to be angry anymore. He has no reason to be angry, but Hakyeon's words still echo through his mind, and when Jaehwan leans his head against his he realizes why he can't be fully at ease - he's not angry anymore, so all that's left is the fear that Hakyeon's words may be right.

On the second day of their vacation, Taekwoon falls sick. It always happens when gets time off and relaxes; it's like the viruses know he's not on his guard, and choose the perfect moments to attack him. Jaehwan, upon feeling his forehead that day, promptly announces they're going to the store to stock up on ice cream, throat pastilles, drinks and other ”necessities”, as he calls them. Taekwoon is burning up, so he can't find it in him to argue, but lets Jaehwan drag him out into the late autumn air, out to his car and push him into the passenger seat.

They're mostly quiet as they drive the short way to the store, with Taekwoon leaning his head against the window, enjoying the cool surface against his warm forehead.

”I have one,” Jaehwan states as they close in on their destination.

Taekwoon's eyes flutter open. Jaehwan is wearing a thick woolen hat that makes him look about fifteen years older. ”A what?”

”A future thing. Bucket list item, or something.”

”Oh,” Taekwoon says, closing his eyes again.

”You know we're going to have a karaoke machine in our living room, right?”

Taekwoon can't help but smile despite feeling like he's about to pass out. ”Now I do.”

”In the beginning when we first buy it, we use it every single day,” Jaehwan continues, eyes on the road. ”I keep forcing you to sing these upbeat, hyper songs, because the only way I get to see you so worked up is when we're performing.”

”Not the only way,” Taekwoon can't resist saying. ”But one of the few. Go on.”

”We sing and dance and jump until we're both sweating and panting for breath,” Jaehwan grins. ”And every time you say you want to stop, I ask you for just one more song, just one more, please, hyung.”

”And I can never say no,” Taekwoon mumbles, breath catching on the car window.

Jaehwan nods. ”Eventually, you realize I'll keep going until we both faint, so you pull me down on the couch, and...”

Taekwoon waits. ”And what?”

”And, you know,” Jaehwan says, throwing him an amused look. ”Distract me.”

They exchange a glance, Jaehwan wriggling his eyebrows and making kissy faces at Taekwoon, who bursts out laughing. Within seconds, it transforms into a coughing fit, and he buries his face in his hands, trying hard to regain control. He doesn't notice the car stopping until Jaehwan steps out of it and walks over to Taekwoon's side, opening the door. ”Are you okay?” he asks, and Taekwoon nods, eyes tearing.

”I'm fine.”

Jaehwan reaches into the car, moving Taekwoon's long hair behind his ear. ”Well, we're here,” he states. Then, as an after thought, he removes the woolen hat on his head and tries to put it on Taekwoon, who protests at once. ”It's cold,” Jaehwan insists. ”You need it more than I do.” After another few moments of eyeing the hat suspiciously, Taekwoon allows Jaehwan to put it on his head. ”Do you think you can walk, grandpa?” Jaehwan asks, mischievous, and though it is meant as a joke, Taekwoon shakes his head.

”I don't think so.”

”Really?” Jaehwan says, suddenly worried. ”Is it that bad?”

”I have no energy,” Taekwoon replies. ”I feel like I'll fall if I try to stand up.”

”Oh.” Taekwoon's stomach hurts at the anxious tone of his voice. ”I'll try to be quick then.” He leans in to press a kiss to Taekwoon's lips, and before he knows it, Taekwoon has turned away. Silence falls as Jaehwan remains with his back hunched, waiting for Taekwoon to kiss him. ”What is it?” he asks then.

There are no people around as far as Taekwoon can see, but it still makes him anxious. This is not the kind of careful that Hakyeon was talking about. But when Taekwoon turns his head and meets Jaehwan's questioning gaze, he is too afraid of hurting him by telling the truth. ”It's just... Because I'm sick, and...” he mumbles, and Jaehwan stares at him.

Moments later, Jaehwan puts his hand on Taekwoon's cheek, forcing him to look at him properly, and presses their lips together with determination. ”See if I care,” he grins once they part, and Taekwoon looks down, managing an uncomfortable smile. ”Next time I'll make sure to bring your walker, okay?”

Taekwoon coughs, pushing Jaehwan out of the way and reaching for the door. ”Just go,” he says, and Jaehwan obeys.

”I'm gone.”

He should not feel guilty for being careful. He made a promise to Hakyeon, after all, and he has responsibilities not to let his and Jaehwan's relationship affect the group. So why is there a terrified knot of anxiety in his chest?

Once it starts, it spirals out of control in a matter of days, and Taekwoon can't stop it. He spends the rest of their vacation virtually living in his own mind, pulling away from the younger a little more with each passing minute. He doesn't know why. Though he tries to act like everything is normal, he is scared, he's terrified, and he knows Jaehwan can tell something is wrong. The younger says nothing of it, but it is obvious that both of them know.

It peaks on their last day off. Taekwoon is better from his cold, so he doesn't have that to blame it on anymore, and they spend the evening watching movies and eating ice cream in Taekwoon's room. Once the last movie has ended and it is too late to start watching another, they lie on Taekwoon's bed, quiet, Jaehwan as usual in Taekwoon's arms.

”Tell me something,” the younger requests.

”Tell you what?”

Jaehwan shifts against him. ”About the future. Another bucket list thing.”

Taekwoon's pulse speeds up, because as much time as he has spent thinking about this over the past few weeks, it's the last thing he wants to talk about. He tries, tries so hard to think of a scenario he can see himself and Jaehwan in in a few years' time, but now it's impossible to picture it, like the future he could see so clearly before has now disappeared out of sight. Jaehwan places his chin on Taekwoon's chest, looking at him with anticipation.

”I... I can't think of anything,” Taekwoon says, because he has to say something. ”I... guess I'm just too happy with the present right now.” He tightens his hold of the younger, but the atmosphere has already turned cold. Jaehwan lays his head down on Taekwoon's chest again. ”You go,” Taekwoon says, nudging him with his shoulder.

”No,” Jaehwan says, voice calm, but he can't mask the sadness in it. Odds are he isn't even trying to. ”That's okay. We should just go to sleep.” It's true, because they have to get up early and head back to the dorms, but that has never stopped them from staying up talking before.

”Okay,” Taekwoon replies, and prays for all he is worth that the hurt stays out of his voice.

Taekwoon has spent so many nights over the past few years sleeping with his arm slung over Jaehwan's waist from behind, but this time, when Jaehwan turns away, it feels different. Though Taekwoon holds him, it's like the other isn't there anymore, like everything that happens between them is just a front they put up to put off the inevitable. Three weeks ago, everything was so good, Taekwoon thinks, and he squeezes his eyes shut, wondering how everything changed so much so fast.

To his surprise, not even two minutes pass until Jaehwan speaks again. ”It was a mistake, wasn't it?”

Taekwoon inches closer, mouth mere centimeters from Jaehwan's neck. ”What?”

”Spending this much time together.”

Taekwoon entwines their fingers, but Jaehwan's hand is lifeless in his. ”What do you mean?”

Jaehwan sighs. ”It's not like I can't tell, you know.”

”Can't tell what?”

”That you're falling out of love with me.”

Taekwoon sits up. ”Jaehwan, no,” he pleads. ”I'm not falling out love with you. That hasn't changed. That is never going to change.” Jaehwan lies still with his back towards him, so Taekwoon grabs his shoulder. ”Jaehwan, look at me.” The younger does, turning over on his back and looking up at Taekwoon through tired eyes.

”Then what did change, hyung?” he asks. ”You've been acting so... I don't know. Gone.”

Taekwoon looks down. He doesn't know how to choose his words, and for a moment he is taken back to the night when Hakyeon walked in of them, because he feels just as unprepared, just as speechless as he did back then. ”I've just been... Worried, and over thinking. About... About our future.”

Jaehwan stares at him, and he looks calm, but Taekwoon knows he feels like falling apart inside. ”What about our future?”

Taekwoon sighs. While he tries to find his words, the room is too silent. ”There will come a time, when VIXX is over, when we move out of the dorms, when our relationship will become obvious to everyone around us, should we continue to date.”

Jaehwan pulls himself up with his back against the headboard, leaning away from Taekwoon. ”And?”

”And,” Taekwoon says, ”I just don't know how we're going to deal with it.”

He can see Jaehwan's jaw clenching. ”When we talked about this before, you assured me the only thing matters is that we still want each other.”

Taekwoon nods. ”I know. But I think...”

Jaehwan doesn't wait for him to finish the sentence. ”You changed your mind? Just like that, you changed your mind after assuring me I had nothing to worry about?”

Tears push at Taekwoon's throat. ”I'm sorry. I think... we were naive, saying we're the only ones that matter when it comes to our relationship.”

Jaehwan exhales, and there are tears glistening in his eyes as he looks away from Taekwoon. ”And you couldn't have told me this? Instead of acting like you... were already gone?”

”I'm sorry,” Taekwoon repeats. ”I didn't want to hurt you.”

”But you want to break up.”

Taekwoon stares at him. ”No, Jaehwan. No, I don't want to break up.”

Jaehwan's eyes light up at first, and Taekwoon's heart aches at the thought of Jaehwan believing Taekwoon was going to leave him, but then the younger frowns. ”Then what are you saying? What do you want us to do?”

Taekwoon is stumped. ”I don't know,” he says, tells the truth. ”I don't know.”

”It's up to us,” Jaehwan tells him. ”It's up to you and me. No one else can decide.”

Taekwoon gives him a heavy look. ”Will you still say the same when it's time to tell your parents? When you're wondering if they will still want to call you their son once they've found out?”

Jaehwan closes his eyes, leaning his head against the wall. ”So, what, do you want to give up because of something that might happen before we've even tried?”

”There is no 'try', Jaehwan,” Taekwoon says. ”Once we've told them, we can never take it back. And if that changes things, then it's too late. We don't get a test-run. We only have this one life.”

”I know that.”

”So what do you think?” Taekwoon asks. ”What do you think will happen?”

Jaehwan sighs again. ”It will be a shock for them, of course,” he says, eyes closing again. Taekwoon prays he won't cry. ”But even if their initial reaction isn't all that bright, we'll have the rest of our lives to convince them to accept us, hyung. It's not that one time or never.”

”And if we can't,” Taekwoon breathes. ”What then?”

Everything is silent again as Jaehwan considers it. ”Then we go on living,” he says, and Taekwoon is horrified. He's not sure if he ever could live on after being disowned by his parents, even if he is an adult already. ”Even if we lie to make our parents happy, this is who we are. No matter how much we lie, we can't change that.”

”It wouldn't be just to make our parents happy,” Taekwoon argues. ”It would be for everyone. To make everyone around us happy.”

”Except for ourselves,” Jaehwan says.

Taekwoon hesitates again. He wishes it wasn't true, but he thinks he has made up his mind. ”Realistically...” he says, voice barely more than a whisper, ”I think that's what we will have to do. In the end.”

Jaehwan eases himself down under the comforter again, and though he holds his tears back, his voice is quivering when he speaks. ”This is all so... far into the future,” he says. ”Do we really have to make decisions about it right now?”

”I don't know,” Taekwoon says, shaking his head. ”Should I hurt you now, or hurt you even worse later?” he says, and the tears fill his eyes in an instant.

”Don't,” Jaehwan says, pulling at Taekwoon's shorts and tank top, gesturing for him to lie down beside Jaehwan. ”Later. Worse. I don't care. Just not now. Not like this. Please.”

”Okay,” Taekwoon agrees, because Jaehwan sounds like he's about to break into pieces, and Taekwoon himself is thankful for any excuse to stay in denial for a while longer. He lies down, allows Jaehwan to crawl in close, and holds him tightly, pressed against his body from toes to chest.

Sometimes, Taekwoon thinks, growing up means losing faith.

And perhaps there's a reason for that loss of faith. Hopefully the things you lose faith in are things you should never have trusted to begin with.

On their second day back to work, the photos appear on the web. The six of them are called into a meeting with their managers and a CEO from their company, and they sit at a conference table with their heads bowed as one of their managers yells. Yells at them, yells at Jaehwan, yells at Hakyeon for not leading them better, and Taekwoon is about to choke on the guilt. Because the pictures only show Jaehwan, leaning into a car, and the face of the person he is kissing can only be seen from the lips down. The top half of Taekwoon's face is hidden in the shadows. If he squints, he can make out the hat that Jaehwan put on his head that day.

”People are even speculating that the person in that car is a man,” his manager yells, and Jaehwan's eyes widen just a little bit as they're locked on the table. ”What do you have to say for yourself?”

Jaehwan keeps quiet. For a horrifying moment, Taekwoon is sure Jaehwan is going to tell him the truth, because Jaehwan might just be that naive after all.

”You should tell him the truth,” Taekwoon croaks, and eight faces turn to look at him in surprise. ”About your ex girlfriend.”

Jaehwan stares at him, and he looks just as ready to drop dead as Taekwoon feels. He clears his throat, throwing a glance at Hakyeon, who gives a subtle nod of encouragement. ”Who?” their manager demands.

”I used to date someone,” Jaehwan lies, and it sounds effortless enough to Taekwoon. He just hopes it's enough to convince their managers, who have seen through so many of their lies in the past. ”Before VIXX. Sometimes when I go back home, we meet up.” He looks up, faces the furious look in their manager's eyes. ”That's all.”

And then it starts again. All three of them are visibly relieved to believe Jaehwan's lie, that he was with a girl rather than a boy, but not enough so to stop yelling. Neither of them have seen their managers this angry before, not even when Hongbin took off from their practice rooms no more than four days before their tour started, and God knows that was a horrible day; Taekwoon thought they would never see them angrier than that. Most of their anger is aimed towards Jaehwan, though Hakyeon gets his fair share of scoldings thrown at him, and Taekwoon wants nothing more than to reach out and hold Jaehwan's hand. Just for the moment. Just for now.

Their manager drives them back to the dorm afterwards. It is dead silent in the van. Hakyeon rides in the front, as per usual, and Taekwoon squirms in his seat when he thinks of how angry his friend must be with him. Jaehwan sits next to him, but turned away, staring out the window, hands clasped in his lap. Perhaps he's crying. Taekwoon doesn't know, and he can't bring himself to say anything, not when the air in the car is so heavy, not when their manager is there. He's not sure he wouldn't give the whole thing away if he opened his mouth.

So he stares out the opposite window.

When they get back home, Hakyeon leads Taekwoon into their shared room, leaving the other four in the living room, watching them like lost sheep. Taekwoon catches a glimpse of Jaehwan's tired face, and he looks like he's about to burst into tears at any moment, but Taekwoon knows he can't deny Hakyeon's request to talk. Not this time.

”Sit,” Hakyeon orders once he has closed the door. Taekwoon does as he's told, and sinks down on his bed. Hakyeon remains standing in front of him. ”I'm disappointed...” he begins, and Taekwoon is relieved that he doesn't sound too angry, ”that you didn't take my words to heart. I'm disappointed that you didn't take me seriously, even when I told you just how much I meant it.” Taekwoon nods, playing with his fingers just to busy his hands with something. ”I'm disappointed... that you didn't listen to me. That after all this time, and everything we've been through, you disregarded my words completely.”

”I'm sorry,” Taekwoon says, and he means it.

”We're lucky... all of us are lucky, that there were no photos to prove that it was you in that car. We are so lucky.”

Taekwoon nods. ”I know.”

Hakyeon's hollow expression makes Taekwoon want to hide. ”Instead, Jaehwan is in trouble.”

”Half of the blame is on me,” Taekwoon says. ”Half of the punishment should be mine, too.”

”But it can't be,” Hakyeon states. His eyes are completely blank. ”Because you can't tell them why you're guilty.”

”I know.”

”But Taekwoon...” Hakyeon says, and now Taekwoon doesn't dare to look away. ”The fans are well aware that you spent this vacation with Jaehwan. You know that, right?”

Taekwoon hesitates, then nods again. Truthfully, he is not that worried about the fans. If he went online right now, he's sure he would find a lot of them discussing and coming up with theories regarding Jaehwan's scandal and Taekwoon's rumored presence, but he trusts them all not to take it too far. He just hopes the wrong information doesn't end up in the wrong person's hand.

Hakyeon sighs. ”I have nothing to say. I hardly need to tell you what you did wrong. Right?”

”No, you don't,” Taekwoon agrees. He wants to go to sleep, to forget this whole thing happened. Even if he has to wake up tomorrow and face reality, even just a couple of hours of nothingness would be okay.

”I'm going to sleep in Jaehwan's and Hongbin's room tonight,” Hakyeon states, and Taekwoon's heart sinks. ”You do what you have to do. Okay?”

Without waiting for a response, he leaves the room, leaves Taekwoon alone in their dark, quiet room.

Soon Jaehwan enters the room. Taekwoon suspects Hakyeon told him to go in. Jaehwan says nothing as he enters, closes the door and sits down next to Taekwoon on the bed. He says nothing as he looks into his eyes, says nothing while the tears fall. He already knows.

They had their chance. In a better world, they'd get more than one, but not here. Not now.

”Hakyeon hyung is furious with us,” Jaehwan says eventually.

Taekwoon nods. ”I know. Because he warned us to be careful and we barely even tried.”

”We tried,” Jaehwan says. ”Just not hard enough.” His face contorts in pain, and more tears spill over his cheeks. ”It's not fair,” he chokes out. ”I could never love anyone as much as I love you, male or female. So why?”

Taekwoon doesn't want to cry. He leans his forehead on Jaehwan's shoulder; his neck protests and aches, but he lets it. It feels better that way. Because, he thinks, in love, there is no such thing as karma. It doesn't matter how loyal you are, how far you are prepared to go for the one you love. If the world says no, that's it. No matter how pure your feelings are, you won't be rewarded for it. There will be no plot twist to grant you a second chance.

”Jaehwan,” he says, lifting his head again, biting back tears. ”I love you, but...”

”I know,” Jaehwan says. ”Don't say it. We'll only fight, and this isn't our choice.”

Maybe that's enough, Taekwoon thinks, but it doesn't feel like it is. Still, he nods, and finds himself in Jaehwan's embrace, trying not to hold on too tightly, as he already knows he will have to let go once the night is over. Kissing, they fall down on Taekwoon's bed one last time, and Taekwoon hears it in his mind again: It's not fair.

It isn't. He imagines it all; the two of them whispering bucket list items to one another on a train to somewhere; leaning on each other quietly as they try to stay awake while waiting for the bus to the airport; drying each other's hair with a towel after the rain interrupts their spring day walk; hiding behind each other while watching horror movies as per Jaehwan's request; eating ice cream at the docks with their feet dangling over the edge; having a grass war in a park; sitting on the beach a couple of hours before sundown; waking up in a hot tent with their hair on all ends;

Their life.

To which the world says 'no'. To which the world says 'don't even try'.

So they won't. And they can only hope that someday, the world might change its mind.

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