To the quiet town we go (1/2)
Title: To the quiet town we go
Pairing: Kenvi
Rating: R
Genre: AU, angst, romance,
Summary: He pulls at his sleeve, nervous to meet the only person he has ever felt something for in his entire life. The sleeve slides down over his hand, but it is pointless, for the blood he wants to hide has long since been washed away.
Wordcount: 12,468
A/N:This was a request (+ raken getting to know each other online and falling in love) I got months ago OTL. Warnings for abuse/violence.
[17:04:28] jaehwany0406: i hate this city
[17:04:30] jaehwany0406: i hate it
[17:04:43] AceRavi: Tell me about it
[17:04:49] jaehwany0406: i hate that nothing is open past 6pm
[17:04:57] jaehwany0406: i hate that the only place to go are parks and playgrounds for kids
[17:05:05] jaehwany0406: i hate that my friends insist on going there all the time
[17:05:13] jaehwany0406: and i hate that i feel like the antichrist whenever a kid walks by
[17:05:19] jaehwany0406: because they don't dare go on the playground when we're there
[17:05:31] AceRavi: Bad day?
[17:05:36] jaehwany0406: it will be.
[17:05:50] jaehwany0406: but no. the city doesn't suck because i'm having a bad day
[17:05:54] jaehwany0406: it's the other way around
[17:06:13] AceRavi: I get it. I thought it was slightly better for you guys on the north side though
[17:06:20] jaehwany0406: it's not
[17:06:27] jaehwany0406: it's probably better for u southern kids
[17:06:34] jaehwany0406: at least you have the south mountain
[17:06:49] AceRavi: Yeah. Neglected paths you can't even follow and the world's dirtiest BBQ spot
[17:06:55] AceRavi: I'd think even the north mountain would be more fun
[17:08:02] jaehwany0406: nah
[17:08:08] jaehwany0406: all the north mountain has are hotels
[17:08:20] jaehwany0406: not like u ever go stay in a hotel in your hometown
[17:08:41] AceRavi: True
[17:10:03] jaehwany0406: uuuuuugggggghhhhhhh i want to go somewhere
[17:10:38] AceRavi: So go
[17:10:45] jaehwany0406: but money
[17:10:59] AceRavi: So start saving
[17:11:06] jaehwany0406: don't u use logic on me
[17:11:11] jaehwany0406: u know it makes me cry
[17:11:28] AceRavi: Sorry
[17:11:23] AceRavi: No more logic, I promise
[17:11:33] jaehwany0406: thanks
[17:12:02] AceRavi: So what makes you say it'll be a bad day?
[17:12:10] AceRavi: Bad plans?
[17:12:33] jaehwany0406: yeah
[17:12:37] jaehwany0406: roaming around town as usual
[17:12:39] jaehwany0406: ugh
[17:12:48] AceRavi: Drinking?
[17:12:55] jaehwany0406: yeah
[17:12:57] jaehwany0406: ugh x2
[17:13:09] AceRavi: If you don't want to go, you shouldn't
[17:13:25] jaehwany0406: but i do
[17:13:30] AceRavi: No, you don't
[17:13:33] jaehwany0406: yes i do
[17:13:41] jaehwany0406: cause if i don't i'll have to be here at home with my parents
[17:13:45] jaehwany0406: which is not an option
[17:13:49] jaehwany0406: and there's nothing else to do
[17:13:50] jaehwany0406: so
[17:14:03] AceRavi: I hear you
[17:14:14] AceRavi: Well, maybe it'll be fun for once
[17:14:21] AceRavi: Didn't you say that once the alcohol kicks in you usually enjoy yourself?
[17:14:28] jaehwany0406: ”not bored” doesn't equal ”fun”
[17:14:32] jaehwany0406: but yeah maybe
[17:14:37] jaehwany0406: maybe if i get so drunk i forget what ”fun” means
[17:14:50] AceRavi: Wouldn't be the first time
[17:15:01] jaehwany0406: it's how u survive in this city
[17:15:10] AceRavi: Pretty much
[17:15:47] jaehwany0406: so how about u? any plans for tonight?
[17:15:54] jaehwany0406: friday night u know wooohoooo
[17:16:04] AceRavi: lol yeah, right
[17:16:06] AceRavi: Nah
[17:16:09] AceRavi: The usual
[17:16:14] AceRavi: Going to stay in and draw
[17:16:21] AceRavi: Hope my dad doesn't suddenly remember my existence
[17:16:30] jaehwany0406: oh
[17:16:31] jaehwany0406: yeah
[17:16:34] jaehwany0406: that sounds..
[17:16:41] AceRavi: Like every week, I know
[17:16:44] AceRavi: Wild
[17:16:56] jaehwany0406: i mean
[17:16:59] jaehwany0406: i think it sounds awesome
[17:17:04] jaehwany0406: i want to stay in and draw too
[17:17:09] AceRavi: So do that
[17:17:13] AceRavi: It's up to you, you know
[17:17:28] jaehwany0406: actually it isn't
[17:17:35] AceRavi: It is
[17:17:54] jaehwany0406: are u still working on the tree/human/monster thingy
[17:17:56] jaehwany0406: or are u done with that?
[17:17:59] jaehwany0406: cause i wanna see it if so
[17:18:18] AceRavi: Oh, uh
[17:18:25] AceRavi: No, it's.. not done yet
[17:18:29] AceRavi: How about you, are you working on anything?
[17:18:37] jaehwany0406: no
[17:18:44] jaehwany0406: haven't had time recently
[17:18:51] AceRavi: No wonder
[17:18:58] jaehwany0406: what?
[17:19:04] AceRavi: Since you're always out doing stuff you don't want to
[17:19:19] jaehwany0406: well
[17:19:20] jaehwany0406: yeah
[17:19:22] jaehwany0406: sue me
[17:19:37] AceRavi: Nah
[17:19:42] AceRavi: I know it's to avoid your homophobic, racist parents
[17:19:48] AceRavi: So I'm on your side
[17:22:32] jaehwany0406: ffs sandeul keeps calling
[17:22:35] jaehwany0406: i think i have to go
[17:22:42] jaehwany0406: god if i could just for one day be someone else
[17:22:53] AceRavi: Wanna switch lives?
[17:23:03] jaehwany0406: um yeah please
[17:23:06] jaehwany0406: or idk
[17:23:24] jaehwany0406: if i'm u, that means the only person who's on my side is gone
[17:23:48] AceRavi: No, cause I'd be you
[17:23:55] AceRavi: And you're on my side, too, aren't you?
[17:24:11] jaehwany0406: yeah
[17:24:14] jaehwany0406: of course
[17:24:17] jaehwany0406: i guess ur right
[17:24:28] AceRavi: Regardless, we'd always have each other
[17:24:43] jaehwany0406: and that's all we'll ever have
[17:24:50] AceRavi: We could do a lot worse
[17:24:54] AceRavi: But I want to meet you
[17:24:58] AceRavi: Even if it's just once
[17:25:03] AceRavi: Even if we end up in a playground up north
[17:25:09] AceRavi: And you turn into the antichrist
[17:26:16] jaehwany0406: i want that too
[17:26:17] jaehwany0406: i think
[17:26:20] jaehwany0406: but i have to go
[17:26:22] jaehwany0406: sandeul is here
[17:26:28] jaehwany0406: fuck and i think that's kyungri's car
[17:26:33] AceRavi: Oh, alright
[17:26:34] AceRavi: Go
[17:26:56] jaehwany0406: jesus wonshik save me
[17:27:03] AceRavi: You'll be fine
[17:27:06] AceRavi: Now go
[17:27:12] AceRavi: Don't keep them waiting
[17:27:48] jaehwany0406: don't pick up if i call u tonight
[17:27:49] jaehwany0406: bye
[17:27:55] jaehwany0406 is offline.
[17:28:06] AceRavi: As if I could ever deny you anything
”Jaehwan!”
Sandeul comes stumbling towards him through the sand. The air was clear and peaceful a moment ago, but now the sunset appears to lose its glow.
”Yeah.”
Sandeul's slithers a sweaty around his neck, and he settles half on top of Jaehwan's lap. The swing he sits on sways from side to side, dangerous to Sandeul's current state. ”Can I have one of your beers?” the boy breathes, and Jaehwan turns away from his alcoholic breath. ”I'll give you one back next time, I promise.”
Jaehwan is tempted to tell him he's had enough, but instead he nods towards the cooler by the foot of the swing set. ”Knock yourself out.” Literally, please.
”Thanks, man,” Sandeul slurs, getting up immediately. ”I owe you one.”
”Don't you want to play?” Sandeul asks, beer in his hand. There's a drunken game of badminton going on in the sand, even though they don't have a net. They don't have enough badminton rackets, either, so some of them are playing with tennis rackets. Just looking at them jumping and running around makes Jaehwan exhausted.
”No. But give me another beer while you're at it, will you?”
Sandeul's focus is locked on the people playing, and it takes him a moment before he realizes what Jaehwan just said. When he does, he drags himself back to Jaehwan and hands him the beer he took for himself, but his gaze never leaves their friends and their game. More specifically, his eyes never leave Kyungri. As he sits down on the swing beside Jaehwan's, apparently having forgotten about the beer, the longing in his eyes is so ironic that it makes Jaehwan want to kick some sense back into him.
The silence between them is less noticeable with the way their friends are yelling and screaming, both in victory and frustration, and Jaehwan is thankful. He's thankful for every second that passes when he doesn't have to act, doesn't have to speak, doesn't have to act like he is at all alive. And since Sandeul is already engaging in shameless staring, he supposes it's okay for him to do the same.
From what he can see, Kyungri is beautiful. She's tall, her eyes are thin but sharp, and she's good at badminton - not that that matters. Plus, it's not obvious with the way she's playing this game to crush her competitors, but Jaehwan knows she's kind. One of the kindest people he has ever encountered in this city. Sometimes when Jaehwan talks to her, they almost touch on real subject, about real things.
There is no questioning why Sandeul likes her.
The sun is setting. One swing of a tennis racket sends the shuttlecock flying in a high bow, much too far to the right, and the low thud with which it lands on the roof of the gazebo is drowned out by the angry yells of Jaehwan's friends. That's their only shuttlecock, and if it's gone, they can't play.
Jaehwan doesn't care, but Kyungri does. And Kyungsoo. Hani, too. Judging by the sound of their voices, so does Amber, Baekhyun and Hyuna, and suddenly everybody is shouting, trying to decide who should have to climb up on the gazebo, which in fairness is rather tall.
”Why is it so scary,” Sandeul says then, ”to approach somebody?”
Jaehwan takes a swing out of his bottle. He pretends he doesn't know what the other is talking about, but he still doesn't want to ask. If Sandeul thinks he doesn't know, Jaehwan can't be blamed for betraying confidences in the future.
”I don't know.”
”I mean, if you like somebody, shouldn't you want to talk to her?” Sandeul drones on. ”Shouldn't all the scary stuff fall away and leave you feeling... I don't know, good, somehow?”
Jaehwan sighs, doesn't bother to hide it. ”I don't think that's how it works.”
”No,” Sandeul agrees. ”I mean, I know it isn't. But it should.”
It's in moments like this that Jaehwan sees how immature the other is. On normal days, when they're around other people, all he understands about his friend is the front he's trying to put up; the person he pretends to be. But then there are moments like these, where he shows Jaehwan his insecurities. It's supposed to be touching, that Sandeul is that comfortable around him, but Jaehwan wishes he would stop. It's pitiful.
But then again, Jaehwan probably isn't the right person to say anything about that.
”You just have to go for it,” he says. ”Stop overthinking it. Otherwise you're just creating problems where there were none.” He throws a glance at the other, who nods, seemingly deep in thought. About what, even? Jaehwan wonders. It's not like Sandeul knows anything about frightening love, where there's more to lose than just ”the person I like might not like me back”. He never will. And Jaehwan is not about to tell him.
”Yeah,” Sandeul breathes. ”Go for it.” He drinks in silence.
Kyungri and Kyungsoo, brother and sister with a remarkable height difference, are about to start beating each other over the head with their rackets, so Jaehwan gets up, brushes himself off and shoves his bottle down into the sand. He walks over to the gazebo, because he'd rather fall to his death while climbing a building than keep their conversation going for a minute longer.
When he walks over to the others, the sibling fight breaks up immediately. Kyungri faces him with knowing eyes. ”Chill,” Jaehwan says regardless. ”I'll climb the damn thing, so don't kill your little brother.” Kyungsoo looks offended at being called the little brother, despite being three years younger than his sister, but he lowers his racket all the same.
Kyungri flashes him a warm smile, her eyes scanning him knowingly. He finds he doesn't mind much. ”Ooh, Jaehwan,” she says, playful tone in her voice. ”Thank god there's at least one guy here with some actual balls.” She squints at her brother.
”Oh, for fuck's sake,” Kyungsoo groans. ”Don't hit on people in front of me. I'm going to throw up.” His racket hits the sand with a muffled clang, and then he walks away, leaving the two of them standing next to each other. Jaehwan can't find it in him to be embarrassed. It's possible he's too drunk.
They move over to the gazebo in silence. ”Help me up, will you?” Jaehwan requests, and when Kyungri nods, it's with a confidence that cuts through the tension between them. She gets down on one knee, linking her hands together to create a step. Jaehwan places his foot in her hands, and with combined powers they push him up on the railing. While he climbs onto the roof, she keeps her hands on his sides, presumable to steady him. He doesn't know how it's supposed to help him, but it does. Somehow.
Once he has reclaimed the shuttlecock and slid back down the roof, and Kyungri has guided his feet back onto the railing, he jumps back down into the sand, his breath knocked out of his lungs. He masks it by throwing the shuttlecock up in the air, directing Kyungri's attention elsewhere as she catches it.
”Yay,” she chimes, her hands on his shoulders now as if catching him when he's already on the ground. For a moment she seems to forget that they're among friends - that they are friends, but then she averts her eyes, brushing off his shoulders to justify her hands.
”There's enough cock for everyone now,” Jaehwan says, gesturing towards the object pressed between her hand and his shoulder, and she laughs, bright and ringing.
”Thank god. What would we do without it?”
Jaehwan laughs, too, because he's not stupid. He knows he isn't unattractive, knows he isn't stupid, knows he cracks a lot of awkward jokes to not have to talk about anything of importance. Add to that the fact that he's among the popular crowd in school, and the fact that Kyungri likes him is obvious, staring him in the face.
It's comforting, though it's unfamiliar. Because this is Jaehwan's one and only chance to be normal.
That is, he might have, if he didn't feel Sandeul's eyes burning holes in his back.
[12:19:24] AceRavi: Good morning
[12:46:32] jaehwany0406: mluuuughghhhhhhh
[12:48:12] AceRavi: lol
[12:48:17] AceRavi: Rough night?
[12:49:34] jaehwany0406: uuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh
[12:49:41] AceRavi: I see
[12:49:55] AceRavi: Well, did you have fun?
[12:50:07] jaehwany0406: i have absolutely no idea
[12:50:09] jaehwany0406: i hope so
[12:50:14] jaehwany0406: i mean i remember what we did
[12:50:21] jaehwany0406: just can't remember how i felt about it exactly
[12:50:33] AceRavi: Oh
[12:50:38] AceRavi: Well, that's a relief
[12:50:52] AceRavi: At least you know you didn't get anyone pregnant or anything.
[12:51:13] jaehwany0406: heh
[12:51:24] jaehwany0406: i wish that was even an option for me
[12:51:47] AceRavi: Right.
[12:52:31] jaehwany0406: so how was ur night?
[12:52:40] AceRavi: Oh, you know
[12:52:44] jaehwany0406: wild?
[12:52:50] AceRavi: Very.
[12:53:03] jaehwany0406: what did u do
[12:53:22] AceRavi: Stayed in, drew some
[12:53:28] AceRavi: Until I got interrupted, of course.
[12:53:39] jaehwany0406: ur dad?
[12:53:58] AceRavi: Yes
[12:54:03] jaehwany0406: are u ok?
[12:54:30] AceRavi: I'm fine
[12:54:36] AceRavi: I mean I hate him so much it scares me
[12:54:45] AceRavi: And I got a split lip as reward for how hard I try to keep it all inside
[12:54:48] AceRavi: But I'm fine.
[12:55:01] jaehwany0406: u sure?
[12:55:40] AceRavi: Not really I guess
[12:55:42] AceRavi: But I'm alive
[12:55:46] AceRavi: It's not like it's the first time so
[12:55:50] AceRavi: Doesn't matter
[12:55:55] jaehwany0406: it matters
[12:56:04] jaehwany0406: what happened? why did he do it this time?
[12:56:15] AceRavi: Because he's a fucking psycho?
[12:56:27] AceRavi: No. I accidentally woke him up when he was sleeping on the couch
[12:56:36] AceRavi: That's enough to make me ”useless”, apparently.
[12:56:39] AceRavi: So yeah
[12:56:49] jaehwany0406: u need to get out of there
[12:56:57] AceRavi: So I keep saying
[12:57:06] jaehwany0406: i'm serious
[12:57:08] jaehwany0406: leave
[12:57:10] jaehwany0406: please leave
[12:57:28] AceRavi: You need money for stuff like that
[12:57:34] AceRavi: Plus I have a whole year left until I'm 18
[12:57:39] jaehwany0406: fuck that
[12:57:47] jaehwany0406: u deserve a life u can actually live
[12:58:02] AceRavi: Thanks, but it's more complicated than that
[12:58:09] AceRavi: You would know.
[12:58:25] jaehwany0406: it's not exactly the same thing
[12:58:31] jaehwany0406: i'm fine like this
[12:58:40] AceRavi: So you keep saying
[12:58:47] jaehwany0406: it's true
[12:58:53] AceRavi: I really don't believe that
[12:59:04] jaehwany0406: either way it's not like i'm in any immediate physical danger
[12:59:05] jaehwany0406: like u
[12:59:06] jaehwany0406: so
[12:59:09] jaehwany0406: whatever man
[12:59:18] AceRavi: Not for the moment, no
[13:02:21] AceRavi: Sorry.
[13:02:30] AceRavi: This probably doesn't help your hang-over, huh
[13:02:49] jaehwany0406: well i'm not exactly rolling in puppies but
[13:02:59] jaehwany0406: i want to help u.. that's all
[13:03:24] AceRavi: For now, there's nothing you can do
[13:03:33] jaehwany0406: want me to kill him for u?
[13:03:40] AceRavi: Ha, yeah. Please
[13:03:47] AceRavi: No, I'd rather do it myself in that case.
[13:03:53] AceRavi: So tell me about last night
[13:04:02] jaehwany0406: hmm
[13:04:10] jaehwany0406: i think kyungri likes me... and i think sandeul likes kyungri
[13:04:21] jaehwany0406: actually, i don't think, i know
[13:04:34] AceRavi: Oh
[13:04:39] AceRavi: Sounds complicated
[13:04:44] jaehwany0406: yeah
[13:04:57] AceRavi: So how do you feel about all of that? What are you going to do?
[13:05:08] jaehwany0406: what can i do
[13:05:13] jaehwany0406: kyungri likes me
[13:05:20] jaehwany0406: someone who isn't a complete idiot finally likes me
[13:05:24] jaehwany0406: it's like christmas
[13:05:48] AceRavi: So... you like her?
[13:06:06] jaehwany0406: sure
[13:06:11] jaehwany0406: she's not too bad
[13:07:02] AceRavi: ...I hope you hear how that sounds
[13:07:12] jaehwany0406: u know what i mean
[13:07:34] AceRavi: Hmm... Yes.
[13:07:59] AceRavi: I know that you're a closeted gay boy who is forbidden to even mention his orientation to anyone, or he will be thrown out of his house
[13:08:24] AceRavi: And you finding a girl who likes you, and isn't completely obnoxious, will help you to keep your heterosexual image up in front of your parents
[13:08:28] AceRavi: That's what I think you mean.
[13:10:01] jaehwany0406: well
[13:10:10] jaehwany0406: ur point being?
[13:10:44] AceRavi: Jaehwan.
[13:10:50] jaehwany0406: don't lecture me please
[13:10:59] AceRavi: But do you think it's right to do that to her?
[13:11:07] jaehwany0406: do what? be her boyfriend and return her feelings?
[13:11:15] jaehwany0406: ur right. what a monster i am
[13:11:28] AceRavi: But you won't return her feelings
[13:11:50] jaehwany0406: at least there's no risk of me cheating on her
[13:11:57] jaehwany0406: doesn't that make up for it at least a little bit
[13:12:08] AceRavi: And what about Sandeul?
[13:12:14] jaehwany0406: what about him
[13:12:19] AceRavi: I thought you guys were friends
[13:12:32] jaehwany0406: that's a bit of a strong word for what we are
[13:12:39] jaehwany0406: and what am i supposed to do?
[13:12:43] jaehwany0406: love is a battlefield
[13:12:51] AceRavi: I'll give you that.
[13:13:04] AceRavi: So you're going to ask her out?
[13:13:12] jaehwany0406: yeah
[13:13:15] jaehwany0406: i think so
[13:13:19] jaehwany0406: is that wrong?
[13:13:31] AceRavi: I think it's the wrong way around it
[13:13:39] AceRavi: I think it's mad, but it's your life
[13:13:51] jaehwany0406: i don't have a choice
[13:13:57] AceRavi: You keep saying that...
[13:14:05] jaehwany0406: u don't understand how true it is
[13:14:16] jaehwany0406: every day that i walk in the door and i don't have a girl with me
[13:14:23] jaehwany0406: every time they ask me if i'm not seeing anyone yet
[13:14:28] jaehwany0406: i know what they're thinking
[13:14:37] jaehwany0406: i know they're counting down the days until they'll have to make reality of their threats
[13:14:49] jaehwany0406: and i just feel the pressure to.. prove them wrong as fast as i can
[13:14:53] jaehwany0406: it's exhausting
[13:14:58] jaehwany0406: i need to do this now
[13:15:09] AceRavi: You're right. I don't know what that's like
[13:15:14] AceRavi: But Jaehwan
[13:15:21] AceRavi: You're not proving them wrong. You're tricking them
[13:15:27] AceRavi: It's not the same thing
[13:15:51] jaehwany0406: both will earn me a roof over my head and a place to stay
[13:15:57] jaehwany0406: so it's all the same to me
[13:16:11] AceRavi: You'd always have a place to stay
[13:16:18] AceRavi: You don't think I'd let you live on the streets, do you?
[13:16:29] jaehwany0406: yeah.. i'm sure ur dad would love a permanent visitor
[13:16:37] AceRavi: Maybe if it was for your sake, I would finally have the motivation to leave
[13:16:48] jaehwany0406: i've asked u more than once to leave
[13:16:51] jaehwany0406: for my sake
[13:17:04] AceRavi: Yeah well I can't do it alone
[13:17:19] jaehwany0406: u said the other day u wanted to see me
[13:17:25] AceRavi: Yes
[13:17:34] jaehwany0406: what would we do?
[13:17:52] AceRavi: We've both already established that there's nothing in this city
[13:18:08] AceRavi: And well... we'd stay as far away from any playgrounds as possible
[13:18:30] AceRavi: We'd find a secluded place where we could both draw
[13:18:34] AceRavi: So that I'll finally get to see your work
[13:18:41] jaehwany0406: sounds good to me
[13:18:52] AceRavi: Honestly? I imagine we'd leave
[13:18:56] AceRavi: For somewhere more...
[13:19:03] jaehwany0406: more what?
[13:19:15] AceRavi: … Elsewhere.
[13:19:31] jaehwany0406: would we come back?
[13:19:38] AceRavi: We wouldn't want to
[13:19:42] AceRavi: That's all I know
[13:20:39] jaehwany0406: i wish life was that simple
[13:20:46] AceRavi: It could be
[13:24:04] AceRavi: Are you ok?
[13:26:30] jaehwany0406: i shouldn't be thinking of this stuff when i'm hungover
[13:26:37] jaehwany0406: u know how everything seems sadder the day after?
[13:26:48] AceRavi: I'm sorry.
[13:27:22] jaehwany0406: i want to see u
[13:27:30] AceRavi: So come
[13:27:44] jaehwany0406: i can't
[13:27:50] AceRavi: Why not?
[13:28:01] jaehwany0406: because of kyungri
[13:28:07] jaehwany0406: no, because of my parents
[13:28:15] jaehwany0406: or because of u.. idk
[13:28:21] AceRavi: What do you mean?
[13:29:11] jaehwany0406: nothing. forget it
[13:29:18] AceRavi: Jaehwan
[13:29:36] jaehwany0406: i'm sorry i don't want to talk about this now
[13:29:55] AceRavi: Okay..
[13:30:49] jaehwany0406: i just want something to feel safe for once in my life
[13:31:01] jaehwany0406: and ur the only one who i've told this much about myself since hongbin
[13:31:13] AceRavi: I get it.
[13:31:52] jaehwany0406: i'm gonna go
[13:31:59] jaehwany0406: i need to lie in bed all day and pretend i'm asleep
[13:32:21] AceRavi: Alright, yeah
[13:32:24] AceRavi: Do that
[13:32:27] AceRavi: Feel better
[13:32:37] jaehwany0406: thanks
[13:32:39] jaehwany0406: talk later
[13:32:45] AceRavi: Yeah
”Wonshik.”
The voice reaches him from the hallway downstairs. Wonshik has to fight the temptation to give a resounding ”no” in response, and rises from his chair. ”Yeah?”
”In my office. Now.”
The words are curt, but they're uncommitted rather than cold, so Wonshik refrains from worrying too much. He leaves his computer behind and walks through the darkness down the stairs, into the brightly lit first floor. His father's office is built from bad memories, lit by pained yelps and painted in nosebleeds and bruises. Of course, it doesn't compare to how many beatings Wonshik has received in his own room, but the office remains the base, the home where all things wrong with his life originates. When Wonshik walks in, his father is sitting behind his desk, expectant look on his face.
”Yes?” Wonshik says, having long since learned it's better to speak than to be quiet.
”My colleagues are visiting tomorrow night,” his father tells him. His hands are linked on his lap, and he seems to be in a rather good mood. ”I need you to be elsewhere.”
”Okay,” Wonshik agrees, repressing a sigh. This is not the time to compromise or whine. That time will never come. ”What time?”
”I expect us to be busy between 7pm and 2am.”
Wonshik widens his eyes. ”What do you want me to do until 2am?”
Raising an eyebrow, rather amused, his father shakes his head. ”Hell if I know what kids these days do out all night. That's not my problem. Don't you have friends to see?”
Wonshik clenches his jaw. His father knows all too well that he doesn't, because he never goes out. A side effect of being homeschooled all his life - at least that's what Wonshik likes to believe. ”Can I at least have some money so I can go to the internet café?”
His father watches him as he considers it. Behind him, the apple of his eye, the gun he got himself for self defence glares at Wonshik through the cabinet. The sight of it made Wonshik tremble with worry as a child, but nowadays it gives him a strange sense of security. Perhaps, if his father had enough of his so called antics one day and decided to put a bullet in his head, it wouldn't be the worst thing. Or if Wonshik himself was ever pushed off the edge far enough to kill his own father. Or himself. Either way, it would be a way out of a stagnant life that has remained the same fog of hopelessness for as long as Wonshik can remember.
”Alright,” his father decides. ”I'll give it to you on the day.” So that Wonshik, ever the delinquent, doesn't accidentally spend them and end up happy for a single moment. Naturally.
”Okay. Thank you.”
His father nods, an indication that it's okay for him to leave. Wonshik throws a last glance at the gun, unmoving and surely dusty, before he walks out of the room. He doesn't know how he will keep himself busy for seven hours out of his home, but the thankfulness over getting out of seeing his father with his colleagues makes up for it.
And, as in every other situation in his life, his thoughts go to Jaehwan, who can't do a single thing to help him.
It's late on Saturday evening when Jaehwan manages to get out of bed. All day he has been repeating Wonshik's advice back and forth in his mind, thought about Kyungri and the way she makes him feel like all hope for a normal life is not lost, and tried to make up his mind. He hasn't forgotten what Wonshik said, but somehow his conviction that this is wrong for Jaehwan only strengthens his belief that it's right. Because, as much as it kills Jaehwan to admit it, Wonshik represents everything he isn't supposed to want in life.
Therefore, when he finally drags himself out of bed, it is to find Kyungri and talk to her.
He does, on a primary school yard. It turns out a few of the people he partied with last night are at it again, already. Including Kyungri, Kyungsoo, Hani - and Sandeul.
”You guys, this is bordering on alcoholism,” he says as he walks up to them. They're playing a game of what seems to be truth or dare in the sand, but most of them seem too exhausted to even sit up.
Sandeul's expression brightens as he spots him. ”You should join us,” he calls, and Kyungri, who sits beside him, turns to see what he's looking at. When she faces Jaehwan, the smile that's already on her face changes from politeness to warmth. Jaehwan thinks they already have much more in common than either of them are aware of.
”Nah,” Jaehwan declines. ”After last night, I'm in the kind of 'I will never drink again' phase that will last me at least a couple of days.”
Several of the others laugh, while Sandeul mumbles something that sounds like ”When has that ever stopped you before?” Jaehwan ignores it.
Instead, Kyungri speaks up. ”So if you're not here to have fun, what brings you to our neck of the woods?”
Jaehwan smiles at her. ”Actually, I'm here to talk to you.”
Kyungri stares up at him through wide eyes. ”Me?”
”Yes.” He ignores the feeling of Sandeul's heavy eyes in his side. ”Do you have a minute?”
”Of course,” Kyungri replies, immediately getting up and brushing the sand off her legs. Jaehwan puts a hand on her back, leading her away from the group, which has fallen suspiciously quiet at their departure. He supposes nothing is a secret in a group that spends as much time together as they do - unless, of course, you're Jaehwan.
She stumbles a little as they walk. Seeing it as time is nearing 11pm, he supposes he can't blame her for being so drunk; he'd probably be three times as smashed himself by now. Even so, this is not the kind of thing he wants to talk about when the person in question is drunk. Then again, maybe it'll make things easier. ”You alright there?” he asks, hand pressing harder into her back to help steady her.
”Yeah. I'm fine. Just a lot of blood in my beer system.”
Jaehwan laughs and leads her over to a swing set, supporting her to gently sit down on a swing. ”You're being careful, right?” he asks. ”I mean, I don't know all the guys here well enough to know that they're all good people.”
”Yeah, it's okay,” she says, gripping at the chains on either side of her. ”I mean, when I realized you weren't coming, I thought I shouldn't drink so much, but then I thought... Kyungsoo is here. I trust that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.” She shakes her head. ”Brother's duty, and all.”
Jaehwan nods, throwing a glance towards the group. Kyungsoo isn't exactly the biggest, buffest of all the guys he's met, but he can't deny he would not want to make him angry. He turns back to Kyungri, who is watching him curiously. ”So, if I had been here, you would have looked to me to protect you?”
Her eyes widen for a moment, and she looks away. ”Oh, no, I mean...” she mumbles, some color rising on her cheeks. Jaehwan grins, but then she seems to find herself and looks back into his eyes. ”Wouldn't you?”
Jaehwan steps in closer, so that their legs are touching from the knee down. He loves her self-confidence, and for the first time he feels bad for the lie he's about to tell. ”Kyungri,” he says, regardless.
”Jaehwan,” she says back.
He takes a hold of the chains, mere centimeters above her hands. ”I like you. Would you like to go out with me sometime?”
Kyungri throws her head back, a blinding smile breaking out on her lips. ”Finally. Do you know how long I've been dying to hear you say that?”
Jaehwan gives a soft laugh. ”Is that a yes?”
She smiles at him, playful and embarrassed. ”Don't make me kick you.”
”Okay,” Jaehwan laughs. ”When?”
”When?”
”When can I see you?”
She purses her lips. ”Tomorrow? Or is that too desperate?”
”Tomorrow,” Jaehwan repeats breathlessly. This is better than he could have ever expected. ”I'm free tomorrow. And I'm all here for desperation.”
”Perfect,” she says, fighting to keep from smiling even wider. It doesn't work.
”Alright,” says Jaehwan, staring down at her in daze. From the way her eyes drop down to his lips every now and again, he can tell she wishes he would kiss her. Jaehwan has no wish to meet her request, and he supposes he can blame it on how they haven't even had their first date yet. ”Don't drink too much,” he says to keep his mouth busy. ”I don't know about you, but my ideal first date does not involve me holding my date's hair back while she vomits.”
Kyungri laughs. ”Neither does mine,” she says, and the tension drops. ”Especially not if I'm the one doing the vomiting.” Jaehwan joins in on her laughter, and he backs away, allowing her to stand up from the swing. ”Are you leaving?”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan confirms. ”I have to get ready for the big day. Don't want to show up looking like a panda. Plus, I'm pretty sure the others want you back.”
Kyungri looks nervous, but appears to accept the explanation. ”Okay. Should I pick you up tomorrow?”
”Please,” Jaehwan says, smiling to cover up his embarrassment over not having a driver's license yet. She does have a two year advantage over him, though. ”Say around... 2?”
”Sure thing,” she says, smiling again. Jaehwan wants to tell her it's okay to be disappointed, but he holds it in. ”See you then.”
”Yeah,” he says, walking away. ”Take care of yourself. And have fun.”
”You too,” she says, remaining where she stands as he watches him leave.
The truth is that Jaehwan is okay with talking to her, but he can't stand the way she looks at him like she's already lusting for him. Not today, not tonight. He needs time to prepare for that. So, technically, his excuse to leave is not a complete lie.
One hour following his departure, he receives a call from Sandeul. At first, he considers not picking up, as he is still uneasy from his conversation with Kyungri, but in the end he gives in to the guilt.
”Hello?”
”Jaehwan, man,” comes Sandeul's voice, slurred and beyond intoxicated. He must have worked hard since Jaehwan left, he thinks, chuckling a little.
”Hey, Sandeul.”
”I just had to call... and tell you...” He garbles and splutters something incoherent that Jaehwan can't make out.
”What? I can't understand you,” he says, laughing. ”How much did you drink?”
”Why did it have to be Kyungri, man?” Sandeul drones. ”Why her?”
”Uh,” says Jaehwan.
”I've wanted her for so long, I'm... I'm so...” He mumbles again, and Jaehwan knows he won't be conscious for much longer.
”Dude, I can't hear what you're saying,” he says, cold from guilt. ”Call me in the morning, okay? And drink lots of water.”
”So lucky,” Sandeul mumbles, too far gone to listen. ”So lucky. Don't take her away from...”
”Talk to you tomorrow, Sandeul.”
With that, Jaehwan hangs up, and files the conversation away under things to never think about again.
Part 2