9: Weight of Loneliness
Title: Weight of Loneliness
Pairing: Hyuken
Rating: NC-17
Genre: non-AU, smut, songfic: Nell - What Do You Think (어떻게 생각해)
Summary: It was Sanghyuk who initiated it, and thank God for that, or they would both have felt much worse about the whole thing.
Wordcount: 1,809
It started unnoticeably. Afterwards, neither of them can say when exactly the seam between friendship and more started loosening. All they know is that when they realized what was happening, it was already too late to turn back, and for some ungodly reason, neither of them wanted to stop.
They were close friends before that, the kind that would be all over each other one moment and throw playful insults at each other across the room the next, and they never questioned either state of their friendship. It was Sanghyuk who initiated the first kiss, and it was not fireworks or bird song or even particularly well-timed. They simply found themselves a bit too close on the living room couch one day, alone, and the kiss seemed more like the natural progression of things than anything life-changing. Their eyes closed at the first, tentative touch of Sanghyuk's lips against Jaehwan's, and there was never any tension, nothing to relax into. Jaehwan's hand found the back of Sanghyuk's head as if they had already been doing this for years; and maybe they had. Kissing without kissing, reaching for each other's bodies in a completely different way than they had been aware of.
Perhaps it was Jaehwan that pushed on and wanted more than that, but Sanghyuk wasn't slow to comply. They weren't oblivious to each other's attractiveness, but as they were practically living in each other's pockets in the dorm, it had become part of their everyday lives to ignore those types of feelings.
At first, it consisted only of rushed, shy handjobs after dark or in the shower, deep kisses to push back any sound that could reveal them, hide the clues of their true nature from the rest of the world. It wasn't graceful or particularly pretty, but it made a life of difference for the two of them, who were so starved for love, for intimacy, that they sometimes ached in their sleep. It was a relief at first, when their hunger was finally satiated for a short moment, but the need kept growing, and once they realized how much they had to offer each other, and how much they wanted to take, there seemed to be no end to the possibilities.
It was never difficult with them. Jaehwan would be the first to press a sudden, hard kiss to the younger's lips and push him down on the nearest available surface, hands feeling Sanghyuk's ribs through his shirt. Always, without fail, the action made Sanghyuk tremble, and he would push his hands into Jaehwan's shirt in turn, sliding his hands over his skin, wherever he could reach. Sanghyuk seemed to adore Jaehwan's skin. Though he never said it out loud, he always took time to press worshipping kisses wherever he could reach, despite normally being the impatient one out of the two. Sanghyuk would therefore be the one to get their clothes off, throwing them all into one big pile and letting out small groans of appreciation for every part of Jaehwan's body that was exposed.
One of the first things they discovered about each other was how much Jaehwan loved to give head, and how good he was at giving it. He would have Sanghyuk disguising his weak moans with wheezes within seconds of taking him into his mouth, Sanghyuk's hands starting out in his hair, pulling softly, until the pleasure of Jaehwan's lips around him became too overwhelming, and he buried his fists in the sheets instead.
Usually, they would be short of time, and Jaehwan wouldn't let him come like this. If they were staying at a hotel or the likes, and they could take their time, Jaehwan would suck him dry, lapping up his release and watching in satisfaction when Sanghyuk's chest heaved with strain to catch his breath. Afterwards, he would lie down next to the younger, and press small kisses to his jaw and neck, allowing Sanghyuk to slowly explore his sweaty body with his warm hands. They were both flexible when it came to things like topping or bottoming, and they were never afraid of voicing it out loud; they were the same in the bedroom as anywhere else. Like friends.
”You're going to wake up the whole goddamn hotel,” Jaehwan bit out, canting his hips upwards to meet Sanghyuk's every time the younger bounced back down on his cock. Sanghyuk seemed to pay him no attention, but simply threw his head back, nails pressing into Jaehwan's shoulders with force. ”I guess it's time we start - ah - looking into gags.”
Sanghyuk gave a breathless laugh. ”See, this is exactly why you're the 'idiot hyung'.”
”Really?” Jaehwan said, thrusting harder up into Sanghyuk's body, making the younger's mouth fall open and eyes squeeze shut. ”Is that why Hongbin and Wonshik call me that as well?”
Sanghyuk leaned into him, lips drawn into a thin line as he slammed himself down on Jaehwan's lap. ”I sure hope not.”
”Luckily you seem to have a thing for” - Jaehwan picked up his pace further, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room - ”fucking idiots.”
Sanghyuk panted loudly, stomach muscles tensing with every second that passed, with every brush of Jaehwan's cock against his prostate. ”God, hyung,” he breathed, ”don't stop.”
In his mind, Jaehwan thought he wouldn't be able to stop even if a truck hit him, but the sight of Sanghyuk's face contorted in pleasure and clinging to him so hard that he almost forgot to move ridded him of the ability to say anything of importance. ”Shit, Hyuk, I'm going to come,” he groaned instead, hands gripping the other's sides tightly.
”Not yet, not yet,” Sanghyuk chanted, and Jaehwan held his breath in strain to keep himself from coming.
”Then stop - being - so fucking hot,” he growled, taking the younger's erection in his hand, starting out slow but working up a pace quickly, closing his eyes. Seeing Sanghyuk lose his breath has he moved in time with Jaehwan's thrusts was bound to make him come in less than a moment.
Not until he felt Sanghyuk release in his hand, moans falling out over long, high-pitched whines, did Jaehwan allow the pleasure to take him and sweep him away, pace faltering as he came within the younger, face pressed against Sanghyuk's chest to muffle the moans he neither could nor wanted to hold back.
They always laid down together afterwards, but they never held one another. They laid together as they always had, side by side like friends, staring at the ceiling and laughing contentedly in the aftermath of their orgasms.
”Well,” Jaehwan said, pulling a hand over his forehead to wipe at the sweat there. ”I'm definitely looking into the gag thing.”
It was meant as a joke, but Sanghyuk merely shrugged, sending the other a suggestive smile. ”Fine by me.”
Jaehwan widened his eyes for a moment before rolling over, pressing his face into the pillow. ”Kinky bastard.”
”Says you.”
This wordless arrangement, this relationship that seemed more like friends with benefits than anything else, worked well of the both of them until Jaehwan started feeling uneasy about things. Was it really okay to sleep with someone you don't have feelings for? Even if you both want it, is it really right to reduce something so sacred to something so mundane? Sex was supposed to be the ultimate expression of love, Jaehwan thought, not horny friends who have nowhere else to put their hands. He didn't think he could go back to being friends - well, friends without benefits - with Sanghyuk now given the choice, but he had to at least talk to him about it.
So he did, the morning after they had slept together in a hotel room, right before they had to leave for a schedule. Perhaps bringing up such a private subject right before they had to leave for work wasn't the brightest idea he'd ever had, but what the hell, he figured; it's not like they ever had much time to spare.
”Hyuk-ah,” he said while they were getting ready to leave.
”Yeah?” the other replied from the door to the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel, fully dressed.
Jaehwan steadied himself by sitting down on the edge of his bed. ”Do you think... what we're doing is weird?”
Sanghyuk gave him a confused look. ”What do you mean?”
Jaehwan sighed, shrugging slightly. ”I mean, sleeping together without being a couple?”
Sanghyuk stilled. ”I guess.” He toyed a little with the towel in his hands. ”Why?”
”I just... I wonder if we should really be doing this when we don't even have feelings for each other.” He got up, walking over towards the bathroom, eyebrows drawn together in deep thought. ”Maybe it's not right. Maybe we should stop.”
”Hyung,” Sanghyuk said with a laugh, turning away to walk back into the bathroom. ”That's such an outdated way of thinking. If we can have sex, and we both want to have sex, why shouldn't we?”
Jaehwan stood in the doorway, leaning against the door frame, watching as Sanghyuk dried his hair in front of the mirror. ”You don't think it's kind of... I don't know, untrue?”
Sanghyuk caught his eye in the mirror. ”Not in the slightest. We don't need to have feelings for each other to have sex. We're just helping each other out, what's so wrong about that?”
”I guess not,” Jaehwan replied, eyes travelling towards the ceiling above the shower.
”Do you want to stop?”
Jaehwan stared at him. ”No, I don't. I don't know, I guess I was just thinking too much.”
Sanghyuk scoffed. ”That's a first.” Jaehwan glared at him, but Sanghyuk merely laughed. ”Then let's not stop, hyung.”
Jaehwan hesitated for a few more seconds, but nodded eventually. ”Yeah. Let's not stop.”
Even if he would have looked, Jaehwan wouldn't have been able to see the way Sanghyuk's heart had hardened, or the way his stomach suddenly felt heavy with longing, but perhaps he would have seen how Sanghyuk's fists clenched so hard his nails dug into his palms, and the tears of disappointment that glistened in his eyes.
Sanghyuk hopes he never will.