7: Like Gravity
Title: Like Gravity
Pairing: Haken
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, romance, songfic: Nell - 지구가 태양을 네 번
Summary: Time stops when Hakyeon sees Jaehwan again.
Wordcount: 3,828
When Hakyeon sees Jaehwan sitting alone at one of the round tables by the window in his favorite café, time stops for a moment. That in itself is ironic, considering how, during the four years that have passed since they last saw each other, Hakyeon have begged and pleaded with time to slow down, to stop, to not force him to forget. It has never listened before, yet here he stands, awestruck by the image of Jaehwan in the late spring sun, unable to move.
There's a laptop on the table in front of Jaehwan, and countless stray sheets of paper spread out around it. He squints at his laptop screen, probably finding it difficult to read it when the sun is beaming straight at it. The coffee cup in Hakyeon's hand is starting to burn at his skin, and he knows he should probably hurry away, find an empty table in this over-full café - nobody likes awkward silences with people who used to be your everything - but he's spellbound, staring at Jaehwan's messy hair and tired eyes.
That is, until Jaehwan feels his eyes on him and looks up from his screen, straight at Hakyeon. The ability to move returns to Hakyeon's limbs, and his mouth falls open, as if he's about to say something, as if there's anything he could possibly say. Jaehwan looks as surprised as Hakyeon feels, and Hakyeon wonders if it would be better to leave his coffee on someone else's table and just run out the door.
”Hey,” Jaehwan says softly. He doesn't sound sad or angry or any of the other things Hakyeon has imagined he would be if they ever were to meet again.
”Hey yourself.” Hakyeon takes a few tentative steps closer, and Jaehwan's expression doesn't change. ”I never thought I'd see you here. I mean, since you don't like cafés, and all.” Hakyeon blinks at himself. A lot can change in four years.
Jaehwan gives him an unsure smile. ”I don't,” he confirms. ”I just had to get out of the apartment. I'm working on my final essay of the school year, you see.”
”Oh.” Jaehwan's messy appearance suddenly makes complete sense. ”I know that feeling. I just had my final exam about an hour ago.”
”Really?” Jaehwan asks in disbelief. ”And you're still breathing?”
Hakyeon laughs a little. ”Barely.”
”What subject?”
”Chemistry.”
Jaehwan grimaces. ”I feel blessed suddenly, that I don't have to do anything like that.”
Staring down into his cup, Hakyeon chuckles. They were always different, like night and day. It was one of the best things about them.
Silence falls, and Hakyeon starts looking around for another table. ”Well,” he says, ”it'd be nice to catch up, but I'll leave you to your essay writing.”
”No, please,” Jaehwan says then, pushing his laptop away. ”I mean... If you don't mind, we could talk for a while. Like you said, it'd be nice to catch up.”
”Really?” Hakyeon says, wondering if this is a good idea. ”Are you sure? You look like you have a lot to do.”
”Not at all. I'm just reading through the same parts over and over and trying to convince myself that dropping out and being homeless can be a quite honorable way of life.”
”And how's that going?” Hakyeon grins.
”Very well,” Jaehwan smiles at him. ”The problem is how I'm going to convince my parents of the same thing.”
Hakyeon laughs, giving in. As if there was ever a choice. He'd choose time with Jaehwan over anything, over money, over success, over happiness. Because that's just what he doesn't have anymore - time with Jaehwan.
”Do you want more coffee, though?” he asks, nodding towards the empty mug on the table. ”I can get you a refill.”
”Sure, thanks.” Jaehwan hands him the mug while Hakyeon places his own down on the table opposite the other, and then he walks back to the counter, focusing all his thoughts on breathing right.
”So, what's your essay about?” Hakyeon asks when he sits down by the table, removing his jacket to let it hang off the back of his chair. ”Anything exciting?” Jaehwan purses his lips and turns the laptop around so that it faces Hakyeon. ”The corset's history,” Hakyeon reads out loud, raising an eyebrow as he looks up at the boy in front of him. ”Wow, sounds... interesting.” He hurries to lift his mug to his lips, and Jaehwan gives him an amused look.
”Oh, unbearably so,” he says sarcastically before closing the laptop with a snap. ”We had to combine two subjects, like art and fashion, art and music or art and theater, so I decided, hey, I should give myself a challenge and go for the one area out of all of those that I have no talent for.”
The sun is bright and intense over the both of them, and Hakyeon already feels close to overheating when he laughs. ”That worked out well, I take it.”
Jaehwan nods with widened eyes. ”Next time I do something to challenge myself will be the day that I die.”
”I'm sure you did well,” Hakyeon says, watching the other carefully. ”If nothing else, you've always been good at bullshitting teachers.”
”Yup. Got that whole part of my brain devoted to bullshit only.”
Hakyeon isn't sure his brain has caught up and realized the situation he is in, because he is much calmer than he really should be. It's odd, because there was a time when Hakyeon knew him better than he knew himself, and that feeling, that knowledge keeps pushing its way up to the surface, even though so many years have passed since they were able to hold a natural conversation between the two of them. A lot can change in four years, Hakyeon knows, and yet he feels like this boy, this man in front of him is just the same as he's always been.
But well, maybe that's just what he wants to see.
”So,” Hakyeon says, taking a deep breath, ”Still living with Hongbin?”
Jaehwan shakes his head no, sour look taking over his face. ”Nah. He kicked me out when he and Sanghyuk decided to move in together.”
”Oh, they're still together?” Hakyeon chirps. Jaehwan nods, face softening again as Hakyeon breaks out into a wide smile. ”That's sweet.”
Jaehwan gives him a hesitant look before nodding again. ”Yeah. Yeah, they're great together. I wouldn't be surprised if the next time you and I saw each other would be at their wedding.” A moment passes wherein Hakyeon doesn't know what to feel, if his heart is sinking or trying to work its way out of his throat. ”So how about you?” Jaehwan hurries then, sensing the change in the other. ”I heard something about you moving into a new place.”
Hakyeon resists the temptation to ask where he could have possibly heard that from, and nods. ”Yeah, I have my own place now. If it counts as my own when Wonshik and Taekwoon are around all the time, eating my food.”
Jaehwan laughs, gaze drifting out to the street outside the window. ”I should have guessed. How are they?”
”Fine,” Hakyeon replies. ”Taekwoon was pissed at me for a long after you and I... you know.” He doesn't know why he doesn't want to say the words broke up out loud, but it's as if that would be admitting to something he would rather forget. He shrugs instead of finishing the sentence, and Jaehwan gives him a surprised look.
”Really? How come?”
Hakyeon hums. ”Well, I think he really wanted to keep being your friend, but he knew that it'd be too weird for you to keep in contact if you and I didn't.”
Jaehwan looks touched for a second, before he breaks out into a victorious smirk. ”I knew it, I knew he didn't find me as annoying as he kept trying to make me think.”
”It should hardly be a surprise,” Hakyeon laughs. ”You know what he's like when it comes to cute things.”
Jaehwan puts his hand to his chin in mock thoughtfulness. ”You're right. Of course he loved me.”
Hakyeon merely shakes his head, but doesn't deny it. Jaehwan hasn't changed a bit.
”So,” Jaehwan says a while later. ”In the spirit of catching up... Are you seeing anybody?”
Hakyeon tenses, and hopes it isn't visible to the other, who's giving him a very scrutinizing look. ”No,” he says, quickly deciding not to lie to keep from losing face. The younger could probably tell just from the tone of his voice either way. ”I don't... really know how to meet somebody.”
Jaehwan nods. ”Especially in this city, right?”
”Yeah.”
”I guess once was luckier than anybody could really ask for,” he grins, and Hakyeon feels his heartbeat speed up. It's pathetic, ridiculous, and he should snap out of it, but he looks back into Jaehwan's sparkly, dark eyes, and he can't.
”I guess so. How about you?” he asks, holding his breath as he waits for the answer.
He seems reluctant, but in the end, Jaehwan nods with an awkward smile. ”Yeah. Yeah, I... I have a girlfriend now, actually.”
”Oh,” Hakyeon says, forcing his eyes not to widen, forcing his voice not to come out choked. Of course Jaehwan is with somebody, he tells himself; he's simultaneously the most good-looking and funny person that Hakyeon has ever met. ”That's nice, right?”
”Sure,” Jaehwan replies, complete with an awkward laugh. ”Her name is Dohee, and... We've been seeing each other for about five months.”
”Ah,” Hakyeon says, willing himself to smile. He was always good at masking his emotions. ”That's cute. Congratulations.”
Jaehwan bites his lip while staring at the table. ”Thanks,” he says, and it's so insincere that Hakyeon does a double take.
”... Or not?” he questions, and Jaehwan gives him a quick, tense look before avoiding his eyes again.
”I mean, we're just in this sort of phase right now where we can't understand each other,” he explains, and Hakyeon listens silently. ”But it happens in all relationships, I'm sure.”
”Probably,” Hakyeon agrees, and, feeling bold, he continues: ”It sure did in ours, anyway.”
Jaehwan stretches, obviously uncomfortable, and turns his head, staring at Hakyeon out of the corners of his eyes. ”Right.”
”What?” Hakyeon asks. ”Should I not have mentioned 'us'?”
Jaehwan shakes his head then, hands closing around his mug. ”I was just thinking that it's not the same thing.”
”No? Then what's the difference?” Except for the fact that Hakyeon always loved Jaehwan more than anyone else can, including Dohee?
Jaehwan sighs, seemingly debating with himself whether going into this subject is a good idea. ”You and I had a hard time understanding each other because we're just different. I mean, were different,” he corrects himself. ”With Dohee and me, sometimes it just feels like we're looking for things to fight about.”
”Seems unnecessary,” Hakyeon laughs. ”There's enough to fight about without looking for reasons.”
”Exactly,” Jaehwan nods, a little more comfortable now. ”Was it like that with anyone you've seen since you and I broke up?”
Hakyeon raises an eyebrow. ”Uhm, sure. I mean, I think that happens when you get close to somebody. When you start to open up, it has to be difficult before it can get easier.”
Jaehwan takes a long sip of his coffee, as if he's doing it because he doesn't want to answer Hakyeon, and stares out the window. The sun makes his eyes gleam, and Hakyeon feels the same old, familiar feeling well up from somewhere undefined, making him weak in the knees. It's just the way the light falls on him, he assures himself, that makes Jaehwan look so devastatingly handsome. Perhaps he did change a little, after all - he looks more mature now, slimmer, his cheekbones more defined.
”I don't remember that happening with you and me, though,” he says eventually, almost mumbles it. He looks down, brushing something off his shoulder, probably just to avoid Hakyeon's eyes for a little longer. For a moment, Hakyeon doesn't know what to say.
”Maybe because we were already friends when we started dating,” Hakyeon offers, not sure if Jaehwan wants to hear it or not. ”We had already opened up to each other.”
”Maybe,” the younger agrees. ”But relationships and friendships are different.”
”Oh, definitely. Obviously, we were better at the friendship thing than the relationship thing.”
Jaehwan smiles, but furrows his brow. ”What makes you say that?”
Hakyeon leans back in his chair. ”I mean, look at us now.”
Leaning back in his chair, Jaehwan observes him thoughtfully. ”I suppose so. But I still preferred it when... You know.”
Hakyeon swallows heavily. ”Me too,” he admits, mouth dry.
They fall silent again. Hakyeon feels something press against his throat, so he gulps down a mouthful of lukewarm coffee, not looking up to see Jaehwan avoiding his gaze again.
”I'm sorry,” Jaehwan says when Hakyeon puts his mug down. ”I guess I shouldn't be bringing stuff like that up.”
Hakyeon waves his hand at him. ”It's okay.”
”No, I've made us all awkward,” Jaehwan whines. ”I'm sorry. You can move tables if it's too weird.”
”No, really, it's fine,” Hakyeon hurries, and soon they're talking over each other in their hurry to get their apologies out.
”Really, I promise I won't be offended if you go-”
”It's no problem, really, I'm-”
They both stop at the same time, staring at each other with matching concern in their eyes, and then they laugh, some of the tension easing out through their laughter.
”Okay,” Jaehwan says slowly, holding his hands up. ”Let's just change the subject.”
”Okay,” Hakyeon agrees, and before he can stop himself, the words come tumbling out: ”I lied to you.”
Jaehwan looks completely taken aback at that. ”About what?”
Hakyeon bites his lip. He feels it dissolving, the restraint he has put on himself and his feelings for Jaehwan, how he has tried to stop loving him for so long, how he has tried to stop thinking about him to the point where his face has started coming out in his dreams. ”I... I haven't dated anyone since you and I broke up.” Jaehwan's eyebrows shoot up, so he continues: ”Yes, I know, but it's not just that I'm a loser who can't get a date. It's stupid, really stupid, I know, but I'm still so hung up on you that I can't even begin to consider dating anyone else.” He stops, takes a breath, looks away from Jaehwan's awestruck expression to see a group of friends at the next table stare at him with wide eyes. He makes a face at them, wishing he had kept his voice down, and then he turns back to Jaehwan.
”I- I mean,” Jaehwan manages, frowning, eyes fixed somewhere on Hakyeon's shoulder. ”You... You're... Huh?”
”Sorry,” Hakyeon says through clenched teeth, even though he doesn't mean it at all. He thinks maybe there are tears in his eyes, but it's only because of the pressure lifting off his heart. How many nights has he lain awake wishing Jaehwan was there, missing him so much his body physically ached with longing? How many hours has he spent thinking of him in moments where he shouldn't?
A lot can happen in four years.
”No,” Jaehwan says, holding up a hand. ”Don't apologize.” Hakyeon nods, staring down into his lap as he lifts his mug again, thankful to have some way to occupy his talkative lips while Jaehwan gathers his wits. ”You're... You still love me?” he mumbles eventually, looking at Hakyeon nervously, almost suspiciously.
Hakyeon doesn't talk to his friends about Jaehwan and his lingering feelings, because the shame is too big, but he's not ashamed now. He hesitates for a moment, but then he nods, feels his heart wide open, all the love inside him that never got closure pouring through him painfully.
Jaehwan drinks, slowly, and Hakyeon stares at the underside of his cup. ”How's that for making things awkward,” he says then. Jaehwan splutters into his cup, and when he lowers it again he's laughing, drops of coffee making its way down his chin. ”Sorry,” Hakyeon grins, and hands him a couple of napkins from beside him. Jaehwan takes them, and though Hakyeon's hands are aching to help him, he lets him clean himself up on his own. ”I didn't mean to shock you.”
Jaehwan gives him an incredulous glance as he dries himself up. ”But it's been four years,” he says quietly, placing the used napkins back down on the table.
Hakyeon shrugs. ”Yeah.”
”And you're all...” Jaehwan begins, gesturing towards Hakyeon.
”I'm all what?”
”You know. You.”
Hakyeon gives him a confused smile. ”Yeah, so?”
”And I'm all...” he gestures towards himself. ”Me.”
”What are you saying?”
Jaehwan shrugs slightly. ”I thought you had moved on and found someone better long ago.”
Hakyeon sighs, closing his eyes. ”Unless you want me to start saying cheesy things that will make us both uncomfortable again, stop it.” For a second, Jaehwan looks like he wants to hear what Hakyeon has to say, and he opens his mouth just to close it again. ”I shouldn't have told you,” Hakyeon continues, to spare him the trouble. ”I don't know what's wrong with me today. I guess seeing you again made me lose my mind.”
”You said it so easily,” Jaehwan says, and he still doesn't seem to have come back down to earth. ”Like it was the simplest thing in the world.”
Hakyeon shrugs. ”Old habits die hard.”
”Very hard,” Jaehwan agrees, nodding as he stares ahead. ”Sometimes you have to chase them down and shoot them three times in the back of the head.”
”Listen, you just told me you have a girlfriend now,” Hakyeon says. ”That alone should be enough to convince me not to tell you things like that, but... It's like I can't stop. I know you've moved on, but I... I haven't managed to. Yet.”
Jaehwan looks away at the word 'yet'. ”Yeah, you know,” he says, suddenly looking bitter, ”all of that would be great, fantastic even, if it wasn't for the fact that I've loved you for seven years and have no idea how to stop.”
Time almost stops again. Hakyeon feels like he can suddenly breathe again, like he's been deprived of oxygen for four years running, or food, or like the stale blood in his veins has finally been renewed.
”And in light of that,” Jaehwan continues, lifting his mug and gulping down the last of his coffee, ”I'm going to go.”
Hakyeon sits up straight. ”Now?”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan nods, scrambling to collect all his papers into a pile and press his laptop down into his bag. ”For a second there I thought maybe we could be friends again, because a onesided love might be worth it, you know?” He winces, pained smile on his face. ”But if it's not onesided... Then I have to leave before I do something stupid.”
Hakyeon remains in his seat. The group of people by the next table are quiet, and he's almost sure that they're eavesdropping on himself and Jaehwan, but he doesn't care. ”Okay,” Hakyeon says, knowing that there's nothing he can do but accept it, because he can't ask Jaehwan to stop feeling the way he does. He can't ask that of himself, how could he make someone else do it? What he and Jaehwan share is too deep for small talk, too important for mundane conversations, too dependant for friendship. It's all or nothing. It's always been that way.
Jaehwan slings his bag over his shoulder, and Hakyeon watches him, takes in his figure, holds it in his heart where he can't hold it in his arms. ”I'll see you at Sanghyuk and Hongbin's wedding,” he says, holding up his hand to say goodbye. Then he starts walking towards the exit.
”When exactly will that be?” Hakyeon calls after him, and Jaehwans stops in his steps.
”I don't know. I have to convince one of them to propose first.”
Hakyeon laughs. ”Try Sanghyuk, I think that'd be easier.”
For a moment, Jaehwan just stares at him, and as far as Hakyeon is concerned, he can just walk out the door right now, because that won't mean Hakyeon has lost anything. No, he lost it all a long time ago, and the pain of this loss is now a constant, physical being in his heart. He's prepared to deal with it.
Jaehwan walks back to their table, in just a few quick steps, and then one of his hands are on Hakyeon's shoulder, the other under his chin, tilting his face up, and Hakyeon doesn't pull away, doesn't tell him to stop, even as Jaehwan's lips find his. The kiss is quick, firm and needy, and Hakyeon doesn't even have time to register what is happening and put his hands on the other man's body before he has gone again.
Jaehwan rushes out the door, and Hakyeon doesn't follow. He waits for Jaehwan to come walking along the street where Hakyeon can spot him through the window, but he must have gone in the opposite direction, because Hakyeon doesn't see him again. And that's okay, too. Hakyeon has loved Jaehwan wordlessly for four years, and he will continue to do so for as long as his heart is capable of loving - he has no doubts about this. This love is a permanent personality trait now; he imagines it as a part of his heart that has been permanently infected by Jaehwan, irreversably printed into his DNA.
Perhaps he will continue loving the other man for the rest of his life. And that's okay.