5: Heart & Soul (2/2)
In the spring, Hakyeon goes through with his plan and stops coming to choir practice. He introduces Sanghyuk to two of his new teammates, Wonshik and Taekwoon, and Sanghyuk greets them nervously. He hasn't dared come watch any of Hakyeon's practices, and he's not really sure why that is. Maybe he's afraid he'll feel misplaced, that he won't fit in with the crowd, but whatever it is, it keeps Sanghyuk insisting that he needs to attend choir practice every week, and that he simply doesn't have time to come watch Hakyeon dance.
Wonshik and Taekwoon are nice. He thinks. Because they keep talking to Hakyeon about things he can't understand, about this move and that move and music he has never enjoyed listening to. And while Sanghyuk finds it nice to hear them discuss plans for the future, all the things they want to achieve and do together, he feels awkward just simply existing in their presence without anything to say. It's okay, though, because Hakyeon always has one hand in his, on his back, on his shoulder, rubbing his lower back, as if to make sure Sanghyuk remembers that his attention is always on him, that Sanghyuk is the most important thing to him.
It works, until Sanghyuk remembers seeing him do the same to Hongbin.
It's a warm, late summer day when it inevitably happens. Sanghyuk has been waiting anxiously all day for Hakyeon to come home, in the latters apartment, because he knows they have reached a breaking point. Both of them have said their shares of 'I don't know's, cried their shares of tears when they're alone, tried their best to focus on everyday life, but it hasn't worked.
Sanghyuk knows it from the moment Hakyeon steps into the apartment and removes his outerwear. His ”hi,” is soft, sad, but not angry, not anymore. Sanghyuk sits on the edge of the bed, his hands on his lap, just watching him, more scared than he can remember being in a very, very long time.
”Hey.”
Hakyeon walks up to him, leans his legs against Sanghyuk's. ”How was your day?” he asks carefully, observing Sanghyuk sadly.
Sanghyuk simply shrugs. He hasn't known how to talk to Hakyeon freely for a while now, and it's not getting any easier. ”Oh, you know. I skipped breakfast because I wasn't hungry, tried to have lunch, and now I feel like I'm about to throw up, so it was just a joy, as usual.”
Hakyeon nods, staring down at the floor. ”I'm sorry.”
Sanghyuk wills himself to stay calm, to keep tears out of his eyes. ”For what?”
Hakyeon shrugs. ”Everything. This. I'm sorry I'm putting us through this.”
”So... You've decided?” Sanghyuk asks, feeling like he wants to stand up and scream, to ask Hakyeon to wait a minute, to let Sanghyuk pack his heart into bubble wrap before he stomps on it.
Hakyeon says nothing for a minute, staring at their feet, but eventually he nods. ”I... I haven't been completely honest with you,” he admits, and Sanghyuk feels a bottomless hole opening in the pit of his stomach. ”I'm really sorry, Sanghyuk.”
”About what?” Sanghyuk asks, though he doesn't want to know.
”I...” he tries, and his hands find Sanghyuk's thighs. ”I think I... have feelings for Wonshik.”
Sanghyuk stares at him blankly. ”Does he feel the same?”
Hakyeon manages to look back into his eyes for about half a second before he has to look away again, nodding as he does so. ”Yes.”
”So...” Sanghyuk says, trying to process what he's hearing, though the pieces don't want to connect in his head. ”So you're breaking up with me to be with him?”
Hakyeon sighs. ”I don't know if I'd say that. You know that this hasn't been working out lately, so even if this thing with Wonshik hadn't happened, I just don't think... that you and me are right together.”
Sanghyuk takes a moment to translate the words in his head, and what he hears is simply no, but yes. He thinks of Wonshik, and he wonders how this happened, why Wonshik has taken his place in Hakyeon's heart; what does he have to offer that is so much better than Sanghyuk? Do they have more things in common? Something that can compete with over a year of love, safety and understanding?
The tears well up then, spilling over his cheeks unrestrainedly, and he sees tears in Hakyeon's eyes, too. It has happened too much recently, since Sanghyuk stupidly asked him you'd tell me if something was wrong, right? a little more than a week ago. ”I'm so sorry,” Hakyeon repeats, his hands now on Sanghyuk's shoulders instead. ”Please, don't hate me.”
The words make him want to scream, because the problem is not Sanghyuk hating him. It's the complete opposite. He could never hate him, not in a million years, no matter what he did, and doesn't Hakyeon understand that? Doesn't he understand that he is Sanhyuk's first love, the only love he wants to experience for the rest of his life?
He removes the other's hands from his shoulders, and Hakyeon's tears fall, but Sanghyuk knows he can't do anything about it. This was Hakyeon's choice, not his. He lies down on the bed, legs hanging off the side, his head at the foot of the bed. ”I don't hate you,” he chokes out. ”But I-” he tries, but finding the words is too much, and soon he finds that he can't breathe, that he will never be able to breathe again unless this pain, this loss, lets up. ”I can't breathe.”
Hakyeon sits down next to him, his hand coming up to wipe away the tears on Sanghyuk's cheeks. ”Shh, it's okay,” he breathes. ”I'm really sorry. You deserve so much better than this, Sanghyuk, it's not your fault. I'm sorry, I'm horrible.”
Sanghyuk rolls over on his other side, facing away from Hakyeon. ”That doesn't fucking make it better,” he bites out, stuttering and gasping for air. ”I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I thought-”
”I'm sorry.” Hakyeon reaches over, continues to wipe his tears as they fall. ”I'll keep my distance if you want.”
”That's not what I fucking want,” Sanghyuk cries, voice coming out louder, more strained, much more pathetic and desperate than he wants it to. ”I need you. How am I supposed to...”
”Then I'll be here for you,” Hakyeon corrects himself. ”I'll do anything to make this easier for you, I swear.”
Sanghyuk simply shakes his head, crying freely, because he knows that that's not what Hakyeon really wants. He doesn't want to be there for him. He remembers what happened after he broke up with Hongbin, how relieved he was when he saw him that day, as if he had been freed of a terrible burden, and now Sanghyuk is that burden, and Wonshik is his relief.
Sitting up, he fights for a breath; he needs to gather his things and get the hell out of here, and quickly. ”Hyuk?” Hakyeon asks carefully as he gets up. ”What are you doing?”
”I have to go,” Sanghyuk replies, to the best of his abilities. He doesn't know if Hakyeon can at all make out what he's saying now. ”I can't talk about this.”
”Where are you going to go?” the older asks, getting up, too. ”Will you be okay? Should I call Jaehwan?”
”I'll be fine,” he pants, hurrying into Hakyeon's small walk-in closet. He flicks on the light and crouches down, immediately finding the bag where he left it less than a year ago, when he first brought his clothes here. Then he takes everything he can recognize as his own and stuffs it into the bag, which isn't much; as time went on the borders between 'mine' and 'his' have become blurred.
”Sanghyuk, I'm worried about you,” says Hakyeon from the doorway, but Sanghyuk ignores him. If he didn't want to be worried, he shouldn't have done this. He gets up, slings the bag over his shoulder and pushes past Hakyeon back into the bedroom. ”I'm serious,” Hakyeon says, grabbing his wrist, trying to stop him, but Sanghyuk merely shakes him off. He picks up his keys from the kitchen counter, realizing with a start that he'll need to take off Hakyeon's key and give it back to him, give up his rights to visit again, to be part of Hakyeon's life, no matter how big or small, and he can't take it, but leans his whole upper body on the counter, crying until his throat is raw.
”I love you so fucking much,” he manages, and he feels Hakyeon behind him, one hand on his back.
”I love you too,” he says quietly. ”None of this is your fault. Please, don't ever think that.” Sanghyuk barely hears him, and he realizes that no matter what Hakyeon says now, he's already gone too far, it already hurts too much, and he simply needs time to pass, wishes he could be days or weeks or months into the future already, because by then it has to feel better, right?
Hakyeon's hands wrap around his stomach, pulling him up and holding him tightly. They stay like that for a long time, until Sanghyuk's tears start to slow down, until the sun begins to set outside, until their eyes start to sting and redden from crying. The initial sting wears off, but the dull ache remains.
”Do you still want me in your life?” Hakyeon asks. He's sitting with his legs curled beneath him, while Sanghyuk is lying on his back. It reminds him of the day that Hakyeon confessed his feelings to him, and he closes his mind to the memory, refusing to remember.
He nods. ”Yes, but I don't see how that's going to be possible.”
Hakyeon rests his hand on Sanghyuk's chest. In a way, it's like they're still a couple. They feel closer to each other now than they have for months. ”What do you mean?”
Sanghyuk sighs. Tears are still falling from the corners of his eyes, down into his hair and the sheets beneath. ”I'll be paranoid. Breaking up to me means you want me to get lost.”
Hakyeon fists the material of his shirt. ”I don't want that. I'd be crazy to want that.”
”Well, I won't be able to trust that. I'm sorry, but I know myself.”
”Then I'll remind you,” Hakyeon insists. ”I'll tell you every day that I treasure you, that I want you in my life and that you're important to me.”
”I can't ask you to do that,” Sanghyuk says, throwing his arm up over his eyes. ”Friends don't do that.”
Hakyeon moves the younger's arm from his face to look him in the eyes. ”You're not asking me. I'm offering. Because I don't want you to disappear from me.”
Sanghyuk holds his hand, but it only makes him sadder. ”Will you drive me home?” he asks, already sure that Hakyeon will say yes.
To his surprise, the older hesitates. ”Why?”
”I can't sleep here. I can't sleep in the same bed as you.”
Hakyeon sighs. ”Only if you call Jaehwan. I don't want you to be alone.”
Sanghyuk nods; he'll agree to anything the other says right now, just as long as the pain stops. ”I will.”
Hakyeon hands him his phone, apparently not making the request lightly, and stares him down until he has made his call to Jaehwan. Of course he would be like that. Sanghyuk wants to think that Hakyeon is a terrible, awful person for doing something like this, for running around behind his back and falling in love with someone else, but the truth is that circumstances sometimes collide into something less than ideal. He doesn't think that Hakyeon would have gone to Wonshik if he had everything he needed in his relationship with Sanghyuk, even if he doesn't want to say it out loud.
And maybe, maybe he should have known all along that Hakyeon was capable of this. Maybe he would have if he hadn't been so blinded by the happiness of Hakyeon choosing him over Hongbin, if he hadn't allowed his emotions to win over his thoughts.
Maybe. All he knows is that now, he knows Hakyeon's most terrible side, and he still loves him more than he can process, so how is he ever going to stop?
It's a beautiful thing, a beautiful scenario, to be seated in a café with someone you love on a late autumn day. It's picturesque, almost a little too beautiful, if you add in the fact that it's been three months since the last time you saw each other, and that you're unsure of if you simply love the other person, or if you hate him, as well.
Hakyeon stares into his cup, blowing softly on his coffee. Sanghyuk's is filled with tea - coffee has lost its appeal to him. He's not drinking it yet, but simply lets it stand on the table between them, because he thinks that if he finishes it, the other will have an excuse to leave.
”Have you been with Wonshik a lot recently?” he asks, tries not to sound bitter. He's not sure why it matters if he sounds bitter or not. It won't change the fact that he is.
”Well, we are in a relationship, so yes,” Hakyeon replies. He also sounds bitter, Sanghyuk thinks. Maybe there's no way to come out of a relationship without it.
”Does he have the key to your apartment now? The one I used to have?”
Hakyeon glares at him. Sanghyuk knows well that he has no right to be asking these questions, but he can't stop himself, he feels so betrayed. If they thought their relationship turned bad towards the end, it's nothing compared to what it is now. Hakyeon shifts in his seat, staring out the window, at the leaves playing in the wind. ”It's only been three months, we're hardly there yet.”
He nods, daring to pick up his cup and blow on it before tasting it. It's still too hot, and tears well up in his eyes, but he blinks them away furiously.
”Sorry I haven't been around much lately,” Hakyeon says then, and Sanghyuk feels like he could explode.
”Yeah,” he scoffs. ”I was starting to wonder if you had left the country.”
”I've just been busy, is all. Are you mad at me?”
Sanghyuk shakes his head. ”I have no right to be, so what does it matter?”
Hakyeon sighs a little, taking a sip from his mug. ”So you're mad.” Sanghyuk glares at him, but says nothing to deny it. He's not sure if 'mad' is the appropriate word, but he'll go with it. ”I'm sorry. Like I said, I've been busy, and when I've been around you've seen so... distant. Like you don't want to talk to me.”
”Because I feel like you don't want to talk to me,” Sanghyuk says with a snort. ”And how could you think I don't want to talk to you? I'm the one who starts every single conversation nowadays, I'm always the one to send the first message. Do you know how hard it is for me to challenge that 'he wants me to go away' feeling?”
”Well, I don't want you to go away,” Hakyeon bites out. ”But when I don't have time to remind you of that, apparently you go mad, so I don't know what to do.”
Sanghyuk feels like his breath is knocked out of him. ”Remember what I said?” he says, though the anger is coarsing through him in a way he isn't used to. ”Remember that I said I would be like this?”
Hakyeon puts his hands in his pockets, closing his eyes. ”Yes, I know.”
Sanghyuk merely stares. ”So this 'apparently you go mad' thing is just bullshit. And it's really hurtful, since I tried to talk to you about it.”
Hakyeon sighs again. ”It came out wrong. Sorry.”
And so they're back to staring at the table in silence. Sanghyuk doesn't want to give up, not really, because he still loves Hakyeon with all of his being. That's why he's sitting here. But he's angry, too, and it leaves him confused, wanting to fix things but not willing to take the final step to bury the hatchet, wanting to go back but being unable to talk to Hakyeon without sounding accusatory. Neither can he talk to anyone else, Jaehwan or any of his other friends, about Hakyeon, because he feels like an idiot, like a complete fool for trusting him to begin with, and really he just wants to leave the whole thing behind him. So maybe it's time to stop trying?
He stands on his balcony, upper body hanging over the railing and breathing in the cold winter air in deep, quivering inhales. Tears are pouring down his cheeks, burning hot against his cold skin, and he knows nothing but how much he wants to talk to Hakyeon, how much he wants to be close to him and feel his touch over his forehead, in his hair and on his back.
He clutches his cellphone in his hands, waiting. And while he does, he stares out into the darkness and wonders why Hakyeon does this, why he wanders from man to man, always looking for something new, even when he's completely secure and safe with whoever he's with for the moment. Is it, like Sanghyuk thinks, because he's scared of falling too deeply for somebody? Is it easier to move on once the initial first flush has passed, and start over again, without sinking too deeply?
His phone rings, and he doesn't hesitate to pick it up. Screw not wanting to seem needy. He is needy, and clingy, and everything else that comes with depending on somebody, and he doesn't care.
”Hello?”
”Hey,” comes Hakyeon's calm voice from the other end. ”We were watching a movie, sorry for the wait.”
”That's okay,” Sanghyuk replies, his upper body still bent over the edge of the railing. ”Was it good?”
”Meh. It was alright.” A silent moment passes, and Sanghyuk is sure he can hear a door close on the other end.
”Are you outside?”
”Yeah, I just went out so we can talk in private. Are you okay? You sound like you've been crying.”
Sanghyuk clenches his jaw. ”No, I'm not okay.
”Did something happen? Or is it...”
Shaking his head, Sanghyuk replies without shame: ”Nothing has happened. Nothing new, anyway.”
”Okay.” It's a simple word, but Sanghyuk knows that Hakyeon understands what's happening. ”Well, how is choir? How's school?”
”School sucks,” Sanghyuk replies, easing himself off the edge to sit down on the balcony floor. He's too tired to stand up anymore. ”Choir is alright though.”
”Hasn't it gone downhill since you guys lost your big star, the singing chef?” Hakyeon asks, a tentative attempt at humor.
Sanghyuk lies down, laughs, because he has missed this voice, these words, so much that he feels like he could die. ”It has. We need him back.” When Hakyeon doesn't reply, he adds: ”How's dance class?”
”It's... it's pretty great. I feel like I've finally found something I want to keep doing for a long time, you know?”
Sanghyuk grunts in agreement. He does know. That's how he feels about the choir. About Hakyeon.
They stay silent for a while. Sanghyuk looks up at the sky. It's cloudy tonight, but even though he can't see the stars that well, he remembers the night on the trampoline with Hakyeon, the one night that would change his life, change his heart beyond recognition.
”Hey,” he breathes eventually. ”I have to ask...”
”Ask away,” Hakyeon says, but he sounds nervous.
”When you fell in love with Wonshik...”
”Yeah?”
”Did you forget about me? I mean, did you get over me just like that?”
Hakyeon sighs into the receiver. ”No.”
”No?” Sanghyuk repeats. ”You didn't get over me just like that, but now you have?”
”Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon says, and it sounds almost like a warning. ”I didn't get over you. I will always love you, but I told you... that isn't always enough.”
Sanghyuk's breath hitches. ”Can you say that again?”
Hakyeon hesitates. ”I can't be saying that to you every-”
”I won't ask again,” Sanghyuk hurries. ”Just for now. Can you please say it again?”
He hesitates for another while longer, but then he decides to give into Sanghyuk's wishes. Maybe he still feels guilty. ”I still love you. I love you.”
Sanghyuk exhales heavily, closing his eyes. ”Thank you,” he mumbles. The cold is starting to get to him, starting to creep through his skin and into his bones. ”That's all I needed to hear.”
They fall silent again. ”I miss you, you know. Sanghyuk?” He pauses. ”This isn't easy for me either, you know. You're not the only one who lost something when we broke up.”
His tears have stopped falling. ”Go inside,” Sanghyuk says. ”It's cold out.”
”Yeah,” Hakyeon breathes. ”Okay. Will you be alright?”
”Mm,” Sanghyuk assures him. ”I'll be fine.” Not now, maybe, but someday.
”Okay. Talk soon.”
”Yeah. Soon.”
”Bye.”
”Bye.”
Sanghyuk sits up, holding the phone tightly in his frozen hand. Hakyeon loves him, and he loves Hakyeon, and maybe, considering Hakyeon's inconsistent nature, they can be together again someday. It's a naive thought, maybe, that Hakyeon would even consider coming back to him, but if there's a chance, Sanghyuk will be there to take it.
And until then, he has his memories to accompany him. He doesn't need anything else.