Kiss B (3/3) Part A

[swshawnee]

Title: Kiss B
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Slight angst but not really, smut
Summary: After being rejected, Jaejoong never wants to speak to Yunho again. Which... doesn't quite work out.
Wordcount: 9,478

A/N: So, my first actual real male/male smut. I have absolutely zero energy to read this through right now, because it's 03.34 am and I should be sleeping, but fjakslfhakl I am so nervous about this, guys. Like no joke. Anyway, I hope you like! I'm writing Yunjae songfics of "All Alone" and "One Kiss" by Jaejoong, so if you want more yunjae, it'll be here soon~ hemhem. anyways, that's all, enjoy this, please. ^_^
BLEEEEHHH I hate that livejournal won't ever let me post my stuff in just the one post T_T I'll have to split this. BLEH.
.001
.002


He runs into Yoochun's room without knocking - a bit risky, perhaps, as he's learned after many years of sharing a dorm with four other men, but he doesn't care right now. Yoochun is in bed with the covers pulled up to his forehead, but the way he looks up at Jaejoong with narrowed, tired eyes and messy hair tells Jaejoong that he was actually sleeping, and nothing else.

"Hyung," he says hoarsely. "What's up?" There was a time when he would have complained about Jaejoong stumbling in when he was sleeping, but that time was definitely over. His complaints hadn't made a difference yet, so when would it ever?

"Can I stay in here?" Jaejoong bites out, trying not to look too much like he just got a blowjob from one of their mutual bandmates. Of course he feels like the words "Our dear leader had my cock in his mouth five minutes ago" are written all over his face, but Yoochun seems much too tired to pay attention to details like that.

"Why, what did you do to your bed?" Yoochun asks, sitting up slightly and pulling his hand through his hair.

Jaejoong laughs, because no, he didn't do anything to his bed, but oh, he sure could have. "Nothing. Yunho's an asshole; I can't share a room with him. So can I stay here?"

"Did you guys have a fight?" Yoochun asks, and Jaejoong snaps.

"Yoochun!" he whines. "Can I stay here or should I lie down on the floor in the corridor?"

The younger of the two sighs deeply, but hurries to move over and give Jaejoong space in his bed. "Yeah, fine, you can stay." Relief fills each step as Jaejoong walks up to him. "Just remember that you hate sharing a bed with me."

"It's fine," Jaejoong grunts as he slides under the covers. The sheets are warm and smell of Yoochun, a scent that he's come to associate with comfort. He turns his back against Yoochun and closes his eyes before any bitter, pathetic tears have a chance to form. But he feels them anyway.

"Really?" Yoochun questions. "Even though you have a bed of your own just a wall away?"

"Mm."

Yoochun shuffles around a bit, and as the bed isn't all that big, Jaejoong can feel him only a few centimeters away. When the younger man falls asleep, it won't be long until his arms are wrapped around Jaejoong's waist - it always happens, and Jaejoong knows that Yoochun can't control it. If there's anything in the same bed as him, he will hug it, which is the main reason why Jaejoong doesn't necessarily like sharing a bed with the man all that much. It's not that it's uncomfortable, but rather the thought that if Jaejoong can't hold the person he wants, then he'd rather not hold anyone at all. Or be held by anyone at all.

Besides, he isn't too sure Taeyoon would approve that much if she knew.

"What did he do, exactly?" Yoochun says, sinking down into his pillow.

"Nothing," Jaejoong replies. "Go to sleep."

"Right." The younger man sounds surprised, but not particularly offended by Jaejoong's rudeness. "I remember how scary things get when the two of you fight, and I'm too tired to be castrated right now."

"So go to sleep," Jaejoong snaps.

Yoochun turns his back against Jaejoong. "Goodnight."

Jaejoong doesn't reply. He knows he's being horrible, especially since the other man just lent him half his bed, but he can't help himself. It's a lousy excuse, he knows, but if he's going to speak, he will break apart within seconds if he can't direct his rage towards anyone other than himself. And maybe, maybe someday far into the future, if and when he manages to accept his sad little crush (he convinces himself that yes, it's a crush and no more than a crush) on their leader, he can tell Yoochun about it. He'll say "remember that night when I stole your bed and acted like a complete ass because I had a fight with Yunho? Yeah, I got my heart broken that night. Sorry", and Yoochun will say "it's alright. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but you didn't really let me be". And it's at this time that tears slip out from between Jaejoong's closed eyelids, and he cries without a sound as his friend's breathing gradually becomes heavier again.

So the rest of their promotions in Japan flow by in an uncomfortable silence - well, that's not entirely true, because things are the way they have always between the other three members. Their obliviousness is nothing short of a blessing for Jaejoong, who is not the type to want to discuss his troubles, especially not if they are too painful for his mind to bear. After the night he first slept in Yoochun's bed, he's managed not to be too snappy with the others, but gone about things as usual.

And above all, Yunho acts like nothing has ever happened.

It's extraordinary, the talent their leader has for pretending, Jaejoong realizes. Sure, he's known him to be a good actor, and known how good he's been at pushing all his troubles down where no one around him can see them, but Jaejoong would have thought a situation like this to be different. His smile is what it has always been.

It pisses Jaejoong off beyond belief. Okay, so sure, they were technically never together in any sense of the word, even though Jaejoong likes to think that if your friend suddenly climbs into your bed one night and starts making dirty promises, he should have some kind of interest in you. So in that sense, he can't really blame Yunho for anything, because they were never in a relationship. But what about their friendship? Jaejoong wonders as he sees Yunho play around with Changmin as if there's no tomorrow. Isn’t their friendship worth anything? And does Yunho think it's okay to treat his friends this way? Does he do that a lot? If so, Jaejoong has sure been fooled for a long time.

He doesn't speak a word to the other man. He barely spares him a glance. And Yunho makes no effort to start a conversation, even if he sometimes speaks indirectly to Jaejoong when they're all in a group together, Jaejoong doesn't reply. Because, Jaejoong figures, it's okay if Yunho has no romantic interest in him ('okay' is probably the wrong word, but Jaejoong sticks to it the best he can), but if Yunho doesn't give a damn about his feelings even in a friendly way, Jaejoong isn't sure what they are anymore. And if so, maybe the two of them shouldn't be friends. If Yunho hasn't managed to summon any kind of care for Jaejoong after all these years, maybe it's best if they don't try. Because Jaejoong will never have the strength to be around a Yunho that only pretends to be his friend for the sake of the group.

He goes about the days thinking "that's right, asshole, you better miss me" whenever he feels Yunho send a glance his way, and he continues to sleep in Yoochun's room every night. He crawls under the covers with the younger man, who - just like Jaejoong had known he would - hugs him like a koala the moment sleep claims his brain, and he thinks that maybe if Yunho has to miss him for a while, he will realize he actually does care. He'll apologize to Jaejoong, and they can pretend they've forgotten the whole thing, and things can at least go back to the way they were before.

But days pass. Yunho makes no attempt to win him back. And Jaejoong starts wondering, thinking, why isn't he coming back? Why isn't he missing me? What if he never does? What if Jaejoong is the only one with these thoughts, the only one who lies awake at night, obsessed with wanting a twisted kind of emotional revenge, Yunho doesn't care, and the only one that Jaejoong is torturing is himself? What then?

(Not to mention, he is about to die from missing the younger man and remembering the way his mouth felt around his length, even though the memory is mostly blurred out right now and the only thing he can remember is the pain of realizing Yunho didn't want him, because that pain remains, whereas the feeling of his orgasm, intense as it may have been, has long since faded. "You can do it," he tells himself as Yoochun is snoring away behind him, his arm clamped over Jaejoong's shoulders, "You can live without him." He waits for the light of dawn to make it seem possible. But then the sun rises, and it doesn't.)

They go back to Korea after what can only be described as a successful promotion time. It's another #1 hit for Tohoshinki, their fandom stands stronger than ever, and the changes within the group go unnoticed, strangely. For Jaejoong the return home means two things: one, he's going to have to share a room with Yunho (and all the other members) again, and two: he finally gets his own bed back. He's filled with mixed emotions, because he won't be able to escape Yunho's presence for very long anymore, but let's face it; his back is really starting to ache from only sleeping on half of the bed. It's always good to be home.

They go back to living in the dorm, and they have a few days of relative freedom before the madness of Korean promotions start again. Yunho and Jaejoong continue avoiding each other without the other members noticing, Jaejoong thinks - until the last day of their freedom.

It's the day after Yoochun's date with Taeyoon, and when said man joins the other four in the living room, Jaejoong does his best to pretend he doesn't remember the night Yoochun asked Yunho and him for advice. So he says nothing, doesn't ask how his night was, mostly because he figures Yoochun won't want to talk about it with all of them around. Yunho, who is seated on the floor in front of Junsu, also says nothing, and Jaejoong suspects it's because of the same reasons. Changmin and Junsu, both beside Jaejoong on the couch, are deeply immersed in a violent video game - well, honestly it's not very violent, it's only a game of football, but with how the two are trying to steer their little men about using their entire bodies and swearing at each other, it is a little bit scary.

Yoochun sinks down next to Junsu on the armrest of the couch, and no one says anything for a while. But then Junsu, ever so worried about people's well-being (his fights with Changmin do not count, because Changmin can be scary) rearranges his position on the couch and asks, "How was your date?"

Yoochun sighs deeply, so deeply that Yunho and Jaejoong both turn to look at him and accidentally make eye contact for a few moments. Jaejoong's stomach churns, and then he looks away. He fixes his gaze on Yoochun instead, wondering if he really wants to know the answer to the question. "It was horrible," the younger man says eventually. Junsu pauses the game without asking consent from an already seething Changmin, and for a moment the youngest looks like he's about to take advantage of Junsu's carelessness and unpause the game, but he doesn't. Instead, the two of them, too, turn to look at Yoochun.

"Why, what happened?" Junsu asks, and Jaejoong's first instinct is to exchange a glance of 'what do we do?' with Yunho, but he forces himself to keep still and wait for Yoochun's reaction. He bites his bottom lip in silence without looking at either of them for a while, and Jaejoong wonders if he should step in and say something, save his friend from any possible embarrassment. Whatever it is that has gone wrong on his date, it can't have been pretty. But a few seconds in which Jaejoong can't think of anything to say passes, and then Yoochun speaks for himself. "Well, I don't know if I mentioned this, but Taeyeon has been... I mean, she's been dropping hints that maybe her and I should... you know... get to the next level in our relationship and so... I didn't really feel ready before, but now I do, so I thought we'd, you know..." He clears his throat, and Jaejoong wants to hide under the couch. "Do that."

Junsu looks like he's about to choke, while Changmin lets his gaming console drop to the floor, a happy glint shining out of his eyes. Jaejoong does not look at Yunho. "Oh," says Junsu simply.

"And you did?" Changmin asks, almost leaning over Junsu to get closer to Yoochun.

"Eh..."

"And it was bad? How did you manage that?" The youngest says, and Jaejoong can't help but reach out and give him a light (according to Jaejoong) punch on the shoulder. "Hey," Changmin says, and pushes Jaejoong a little in response. "I just don't understand how sex can be bad."

"If you'd like to know, perhaps you should ask someone you've slept with," Junsu says silently. The five of them sit in silence for a few seconds while they wait for Changmin's head to explode and for Junsu to die, but then Yunho hurries to ask, "did you do it?"

Yoochun shakes his head and glances nervously at Changmin, who seems to have suffered a short circuit at Junsu's comment. "We didn't actually get that far."

"What happened?" Yunho continues, and Jaejoong wonders why he wants to know. And, he realizes, maybe Yunho has the ability to discuss sex maturely, and perhaps it's time for Jaejoong to grow up and not react to it like a thirteen year old boy. He crosses his arms, pissed with himself.

"Well, I thought I would talk to her before I made a move, you know, like you should," Yoochun says, and the rest of them nod, including Jaejoong, even though he's not really sure if he agrees. "And I told her that I'd like to know what she likes, so that I could get it right. But she didn't want to tell me, she just wanted me to tell her what I'm into. And when I said I didn't really have any preferences, she kind of went nuts. She said she wanted us to do it because we both wanted to, not because I wanted to make her happy, or something. Which, just for the record, I think is a great reason for us to do it, but apparently not."

"So," Junsu says, "she didn't think you... wanted her?" Yoochun shakes his head.

"Wow," Changmin says. "Hasn't she looked in the mirror? How could she think you didn't want her?"

No more than two milliseconds pass before Yoochun reaches out and grabs Changmin by his shirts. "I will not hesitate to kill you just because we're in the same group, you know," he says, and Changmin lunges backwards, landing almost on Jaejoong's lap.

"I'm joking, I'm joking," Changmin assures.

"So you fought," Yunho says. "What did you do?"

"I left," Yoochun admits, looking slightly ashamed. "She told me to, so I didn't think I should stay."

"Ah, that's bad," Yunho says. "You should never walk out in the middle of a conversation."

Jaejoong doesn't like to flatter himself, but he realizes there is no way that comment wasn't a jab at him. So he clears his throat with a frown on his face.

"I don't know about that," he says, turning to Yoochun. "Did you try to tell her that you did want her?"

"Of course."

"And you felt like there was nothing more you could do to convince her?"

Yoochun shrugs. "There probably was, but none that I could think of right then."

Jaejoong sighs. "So, if you had nothing left to say, it wasn't such a bad idea to leave." He doesn't look at Yunho, and he doesn't need to look to know that Yunho isn't looking at him either.

"I think you're wrong about that," Yunho argues. "You should always stay."

Jaejoong dares to give him a look, and he looks as annoyed and provocative as Jaejoong feels. "He just said he had nothing left to say."

"No," Yunho agrees. "But maybe she had things to say."

Jaejoong snorts in reply. "She should have spat it out while she had the chance, then."

"Did you ever think that maybe her thoughts were a bit too complicated to just be spat out?" The younger of the two says.

Jaejoong has time to frown before Yoochun sighs. "Okay, you two," he says, "out with it."

"What?" Jaejoong asks, inching towards the end of the couch.

"You've barely looked at each other for over a week," Yoochun replies.

Changmin nods, turning towards Jaejoong. "We thought we'd give you time to solve it yourselves, but since you refuse... Out with it."

Jaejoong glares at Yunho, who glares back just as intensely, and it's the longest eye contact they've had for - like Yoochun says - over a week. It feels to Jaejoong like it's a whole new person looking back at him, and he puts as much annoyance into his eyes as possible - look what you've done. "It's nothing," Jaejoong says instead, and redirects his glare to Changmin. Yoochun, Changmin and Junsu all get up off the couch in synchronization, and Yoochun pulls Yunho, who is still sitting on the floor, up by his arms and pushes him down on the couch beside Jaejoong.

"Come on," Yoochun says. "Out with it."

"No!" Jaejoong and Yunho protest in unison. It's a little funny, Jaejoong thinks, to imagine the looks on their faces if Jaejoong would just tell them exactly what the problem is. Funny, hilarious even, but not nearly funny enough to actually do it.

"Hey," Junsu says, "no matter what it is that's happened between you two, solve it for the group. How can we have a group where two of the members won't even look at each other?"

"The faster you get it out, the better," Changmin agrees. Jaejoong rolls his eyes and stares out the window instead, because the constant grayness outside is a lot more inviting than having to try to deal with his current reality. He has no idea how to get out of this, but he supposes he can pretend to forgive their leader for the sake of their members. Even if it leaves a very bitter taste in his mouth.

But to his surprise, Yunho doesn't seem to share his feelings. "Jaejoong, how about we take this in private?" he says instead, giving Jaejoong a very stern look. Jaejoong doesn't hesitate, but nods, and follows Yunho as he gets off the couch and walks into their bedroom. Jaejoong glances nervously at the remaining three as he walks past them, and they all look stunned. Not so strangely, Jaejoong has to admit to himself, because when was the last time any of them had a serious problem that they didn't solve together? When was the last time any of them kept secrets from each other? He bows his head and turns his gaze away, holding onto the thought that even if they don't know it, it's better for the members if they don't know what's going on.

Yunho pulls down the blinds over the window while Jaejoong closes the door behind them. Jaejoong wants to sit down on of the beds and brace himself for the oncoming awkwardness, but he doesn't want to move an inch closer to the other man. Yunho remains by the window, also not moving a muscle. But at least he looks at Jaejoong, who can't bring himself to return his gaze.

"We have to fix this," the younger of the two says with a small shrug. "We have to be able to be in the same room, otherwise this isn't going to work."
That's easy for you to say Jaejoong thinks, but doesn't say. Perhaps he's immature, but he doesn't care; what right does Yunho have to ask him for anything after he's broken his heart like this? "It's not just about us anymore, but the members as well," Yunho continues.

Jaejoong stuffs his hands in his pockets, knowing the truth in Yunho's words, but refusing to realize it. "Fine," he says.

Silence falls and confirms Jaejoong's expectations. Sure, the idea of fixing everything is nice, but how can they? How can they possibly fix something like this? Heavy, silent seconds tick by, and Jaejoong makes no attempt to say anything, leaving it entirely up to Yunho to fix what Jaejoong thinks is his own mistake.

"You shouldn't have left like that, Jaejoong," Yunho says eventually. Jaejoong looks up at him with a frown, unable to believe what he is hearing.

"I shouldn't?"

"No, you shouldn't."

Jaejoong snorts. "Well, excuse me for trying to save myself a little. You know, it wasn't exactly the most fun I've ever had, telling you... what I told you."

"No," Yunho agrees, "I can understand that. But if you had stayed, we could have talked, and maybe we wouldn't have ended up this way."
Jaejoong contemplates just walking out the door again and making up some pretend reason as to why he's mad at Yunho, a reason he could tell the other members, because that would definitely be easier to deal with than this. "Great, just blame me for everything. That's just perfect. You were the one who..." He stops himself and trails off into mumbles before he's said too much.

"Me blaming you?" Yunho repeats incredulously. "You're the one who's putting all the blame on me. Why are you punishing me for all of this?"
Jaejoong shakes his head at the other man. "Are you serious?" he says, the volume of his voice rising, and he clears his throat, reminding himself how important it is that none of the members overhear their conversation. "You're seriously wondering why I'm mad at you?"

"I know why I'm mad at you..." Yunho says slowly, "but I don't know why you're mad at me. No, I don't," he continues, when Jaejoong stares up at the ceiling in disbelief. "I didn't do anything."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Jaejoong seethes, the anger that has been waiting to overflow for a week finally rising. "Maybe it's nothing to you, but it's not to me."

"How do you think I felt when you just dropped something like that on me and then left me alone?" Yunho says, his voice rising too, and he gestures wildly with his hands. Seeing his own anger mirrored in the other man, Jaejoong notices his own breathing speed up. "You're the one who hurt me, Yunho!" he yells, and knows that it probably echoes all through the dorm, but it doesn't matter. The others won't understand what he's talking about anyways, he hopes.

"What was I supposed to do?!" Yunho yells back. "How was I supposed to react to all of this?!"

Jaejoong stares down at the floor, trying to get his breathing back to normal. "For one thing, you shouldn't have done those... things to me, if this how..."

Yunho sinks down on Jaejoong’s bed. His expression is empty and disbelieving. "How was I supposed to know how you felt?" Yunho asks, and Jaejoong wonders if it's possible for a heart that's already broken to break again. Bitter tears form in his eyes, but they don't flow over his cheeks. He refuses to let them, and he looks away from Yunho, determined to hide them from the other man.

"Maybe you shouldn’t have taken things for granted," he bites out, pressing his lips together and fighting the anger again.

"No," Yunho agrees from where he's sitting. "I see that now. How stupid of me."

Jaejoong turns his back towards the other man and faces the wall. He wants to leave the room, but the situation is far from fixed, and now he thinks he no longer has the energy to lie to the other members. Something needs to be done, if such a thing is possible when the anger is polluting his senses in this way. "I just don't understand what's happened to you," he mumbles. He can't raise his voice. The tears will flow in a second if he does so, and he knows it. "I thought, after all these years, that you would never hurt me, but suddenly it's like couldn't care less about what I feel." He doesn't turn around.

"What are you talking about?" Yunho asks, and Jaejoong notes how his voice, too, seems filled with tears. Confused, he turns around, and sees through his blurred, aching eyes how unshed tears shine within Yunho's eyes.

"This past week, you haven't even tried to talk to me," Jaejoong says hollowly.

Yunho frowns again and gives another shrug. "I don't understand what you ask of me," he says, equally as hollowly as Jaejoong. And with deadly accuracy, the sadness of it all hits Jaejoong: their friendship, that took so many years to build, has been completely ruined. Jaejoong won't ever be able to see the other man in the same way again, and she suspects it's the same from Yunho's side. "I was hurt," Yunho continues silently.

Jaejoong leans against the wall. His entire body aches, and he knows it's not just from the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements anymore. "I literally have no fucking idea what you're talking about," he says, trying not to yell. "What are you so hurt about?"

"And I don't understand how you can even ask me that question," Yunho says calmly, not looking back at Jaejoong, but staring at the wall beside him. The tears are still in his eyes, though none of them are shed. "You told me you loved me, but that it's a mistake. How can that not hurt?" he says, and Jaejoong feels like the world suddenly started spinning the opposite way.

"I..." he tries, suddenly so very confused, but Yunho interrupts him.

"I understand that it must be hard feeling like that. I really do. But I don't understand how I'm supposed to fix it. You clearly said that you and me would be a mistake, so what part can I take in fixing you?"

Jaejoong walks over and sits down on Yoochun's bed, on the opposite end of the room from Yunho. "Why do you think I said it's a mistake, Yunho?" he asks.

Yunho looks back at him and his eyes are so glassy and devastated that Jaejoong's stomach turns. "Because," Yunho says calmly, "because you think it would be a mistake for us to be in a relationship, right?" He nods to himself and looks down, and a tear finally slips over his cheek. Jaejoong holds his breath. "I understand all of that, I really do."

"No, you don't," Jaejoong breathes out. "Yunho, I said it was a mistake because you don't have feelings for me."

Yunho looks up at him in confusion. "But... that's not..."

Jaejoong doesn't understand what's happening, but he gets up and sits down on Changmin's bed instead, the one just beside his own. "That's not what?" he says breathlessly.

.003 B