No Gain (1/2)
Title: No Gain
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, drama
Summary: After years of guilt and regret for what he's done, on a drunken night Yunho decides he needs to wish someone special a happy birthday.
Wordcount: 10,995
A/N: My first DBSK fic! I took a break from writing Line 49 (which, by the way, will also have some Yunjae in it) to write this. It's a song fic for Junsu's No Gain, and I wrote all of this while listening to it. Of course my computer decided it wasn't good enough and deleted the last 9 pages -- twice -- so I've had to rewrite those last pages three times in three days. Needless to say, 'No Gain' is permanently stuck in my head. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this! I'm not sure I managed to say everything I wanted to, some things might have been lost between the rewrites, but oh well. ^^ And yes, this is apparently too big for one post, so I'll split it in two. T_T
Yunho made a good show of pretending that he didn't remember insignificant details, but he did. Tonight, he was out with a good part of the SM family (he used the expression half-heartedly and with a slight twinge in his heart) celebrating various birthdays - with so many friends around, the concept of single birthday parties became pointless. They had tried it for a while, and it worked alright back when dong bang shin ki and Super Junior were the only really active groups under SM, but with the debut of so nyeo shi dae, SHINee, f(x) and EXO, it became harder and harder for Yunho to at all remember who's birthday they were celebrating at the moment.
Not that combining the birthdays made it all that much better. Especially in February; it seemed that SM really liked February babies. Yunho knew that his own and Changmin's were among those who's birthdays they were celebrating that night, along with Sungmin, Siwon, Kangin and Sooyoung, but he didn't know much else.
But that's where the remembering came into play. Someone else, someone who wasn't technically an SM family member, had just had their birthday, and Yunho remembered it easier than he wished. It had been his first thought, waking up on the morning of the 26th of January, broken with a hangover and a day full of schedules ahead of him. Changmin had looked at him with eyes either filled with pity or resentment that morning, but Yunho pretended like he didn't notice. Sure, going out drinking the night before work is truly pitiful, but the real reason why he had done it made it even more so. He wanted to pretend Changmin didn't remember, but of course he did. Changmin's memory was flawless. He never made a big deal out of birthdays and anniversaries, but he always remembered. Always.
Birthday parties were joyous occasions, but that idea was long lost to Yunho as he stood in the bright birthday of the venue. Yunho didn't know where he was. Not truly. He had received the news of the party from Donghae earlier that same day, and he had allowed his driver to take him to the location without really bothering finding out where it was exactly. The bathroom was empty apart from Yunho, and heavy music was blaring through the walls.
Yunho was crying. Harder than he could remember crying in a long time. Because no matter how much he tried to distract himself, the memory of that birthday that he had missed - the third in a row where he hadn't sent as much as a congratulatory text message - kept gnawing through his defenses. Yunho's birthdays had passed too, without as much as a word, but it didn't matter that much. He couldn't expect to receive any form of well wishes, anyway. But he wanted to give his, and he wanted to do it before it was too late. Before too many weeks had passed and his birthday wishes went from purely awkward to horribly awkward. And pathetic. Never forget pathetic.
His hand was cramped around a glass of a mysterious drink, courtesy of Kyuhyun. Why he even trusted the younger man to give him alcohol, he didn't know, but he raised the glass to his lips for what seemed like the millionth time that evening and emptied the glass of the last of its contents. Surely the bottom of the glass were where these ideas came from, now, suddenly; of course the alcohol was what made him want to run to the other side of the city just to deliver a sad message of 'happy birthday'. Yunho knew that. It was a stupid idea, for many reasons; one, it would never work, and two, even if it did, he would be met with nothing but coldness that would knock him down the ladder of recovery that he'd been climbing, so fast he wouldn't even know what hit him. And if he somehow managed to walk away from that hurt alive, if he could live through it without killing himself just to get away from the feeling of embarrassment, he would wake up the next day, hung over again and unable to get out of bed.
But that didn't matter right then. He tried to balance the glass on side of the sink, but his drunken disgrace made it fall to the floor and shatter into pieces. Beautiful pieces, Yunho thought, but didn't look away from his reflection in the mirror. Beautiful sound, too; that sound of glass breaking. Not so beautiful would be his friends cutting up their feet on the shards later on. He wiped his mouth and felt the alcohol burn sourly in his stomach, working its way up his chest, but he wasn't going to vomit; no, he had better things to do. Goddamn Kyuhyun and his goddamn drinks, and may God have mercy on Yunho's poor soul.
He walked slowly out of the bathroom, trying to maintain good posture but feeling the alcohol affecting his steps so clearly, it made him see red, and walked back into the room that was the source of the beating music. Sooyoung, some of her bandmates and a few of the more energy filled SMTown members (the ones that were still naive and hadn't been broken yet, Yunho thought bitterly) were on the floor, dancing to a song Yunho didn't recognize. He looked away before any of them had a chance to catch his eye and wave him over, and instead went over to the more calm area, where he could see Changmin among others drinking and talking. He sunk down next to Donghae, who looked like he was about to pass out. Or fall asleep. It was always hard to tell with Donghae.
The younger man draped his arms around Yunho's shoulders as he sat down and groaned slightly in his ear. "Where were you?" he said, his very voice pouting, but that didn't tell Yunho much about his potential drunkenness. Donghae was a very physical being.
Yunho chuckled, filled with affection towards his younger brother. "I was just in the bathroom."
Donghae nodded into his neck. "Well, you've gotta stop running away. You're the life of the party, which means it dies if you go."
Yunho looked around the nearby couches and saw Minho next to Changmin, and Ryeowook a few spots away. Onew was there too, sitting quietly, listening and staring down into his glass. Did Kyuhyun mess with his drinks too, Yunho wondered for a second, and then he realized the youngest Super Junior member wasn't there -- good, perhaps, cause Yunho felt the sudden urge to punch him. His heart pounded madly, and he realized suddenly that if he couldn't deliver his birthday wishes, he would die.
Sungmin was there, with Siwon and Taeyeon and Tiffany, poking thoughtlessly into the remains of the birthday cake on the table. Something was wrong. But Yunho couldn't put his finger on it, and he was too busy trying to figure out his own mess.
"Donghae" he said, trying to get his eyes to focus on his friend. Donghae looked back up at him with a "hmm?" and his eyes told Yunho finally that he wasn't very sober, either. "Where is Eunhyuk?"
Yesung, who was sitting next to Donghae, looked up at him with a frown, but instantly looked away when he realized that perhaps it wasn't any of his business. Yunho wanted to smile, but he couldn't. No, Yesung and probably every other member of SM knew that Yunho and Eunhyuk's relationship had been a bit shaky in the past, for various reasons. Donghae, too, raised his eyebrows without replying. "Is he dancing?" Yunho tried, unable to will himself to turn around and look out to the dance floor.
Donghae shook his head. "No, he's over there." He pointed over to another table, where Eunhyuk was seated with Shindong and Kangin, the three of them obviously planning something. Forgetting about everything else, Yunho stood up and was about to make his way over to their table when Donghae grabbed his hand. "Don't beat him up" he said. "Our managers will kill him."
Yunho laughed, a bit too loud, and everyone nearby looked at him in surprise. Was it surprising to hear him laugh? Maybe it was, nowadays. The thought tore at his already broken heart, and he made sure to smile at them all before they looked away. "That's not what I need him for" he added to Donghae, ruffling his hair a little before walking away.
He tried not to, but he stumbled over to Eunhyuk's table. All three men sitting there stared at him and his red eyes in silent disbelief as he sat down next to Eunhyuk, opposite Shindong and Kangin. "Hyungs" he said with a slight nod towards Kangin.
"How drunk are you?" Kangin replied, and Eunhyuk looked away.
"Drunk enough to understand myself" Yunho said without hesitation. He put a hand on Eunhyuk's shoulder. "Hyukjae."
Eunhyuk jerked in his seat and faced Yunho with comically big, round eyes. "Uh, yeah?"
"You may hate me for things that happened in the past" Yunho slurred. Shindong squirmed a little in his seat. "But I need... I have to ask you..." He couldn't finish the sentence, but just prayed that the other man would understand what he was saying. But how could he, really? It was close to impossible, and Yunho knew that, but he couldn't help it.
Eunhyuk frowned. "I could never hate you. You know that. I've never hated you."
"Should we give you a moment?" Kangin asked from across the table, already standing up.
"No" Yunho said, holding out a hand to tell him to sit back down. Kangin and Shindong both looked slightly unsure, but did as Yunho said. Most people did, most of the time. "I just... need to ask a favor."
Eunhyuk opened his mouth to ask, and as Yunho thought how to ask, his eyes filled with tears again. Eunhyuk's mouth closed slowly. "He told me he's busy tonight" he said silently, suddenly forgetting the other two's presence at the table. "He told me not to call." Yunho didn't want to ask again, but just looked back at Eunhyuk, waiting for the final rejection as he felt the pathetic tears sting in his eyes. To his surprise, Eunhyuk sighed deeply and started digging in his pocket for his phone. "He's going to hate me for this" the younger said, and tears that were either of sadness or gratitude, or both, slipped over Yunho's cheeks.
"Thank you... Eunhyuk. Thank you."
"He's probably not going to pick up anyways" Eunhyuk said, paying no attention to Yunho's tears. "Are you sure you want to do this? You're pretty wasted."
Yunho laughed through his tears. "I was hoping you'd be drunk enough to not ask that."
Eunhyuk snorted. "I don't drink" he said, and the old bitterness Yunho was so used to in Eunhyuk's voice was back.
"Oh, right" Yunho said with another twinge in his heart. "Your promise. How could I forget? I'm so stupid, I'm sorry."
At the mention of the promise, Kangin and Shindong seemed to catch on and realize what was happening. "Yunho, you're not going to..." Kangin tried, and Yunho fixed his unsteady gaze on his slim face. "Think this through once, Yunho, please."
"It's all I ever do" Yunho said, turning his attention back to Eunhyuk, who was scrolling through his list of contacts on his phone.
"So do it again" Kangin said, leaning over the table to drown out the music. "This will only make things worse. Why are you doing this?"
Yunho shook his head with a dead smile. "I didn't think killing myself seemed like such a good idea."
Kangin jerked back as if hit across the face. He stared at Yunho for a few fleeting moments, and for some reason, Yunho's insides loved the reaction he had received. "Yunho, listen, I know it's hard for you..." Kangin began, but Yunho shook his head and waved his hand at him. He knew was being rude, but he didn't care. Kangin didn't know what it was like. Saying things had been hard for Yunho didn't even begin to cover the constant heartache, the way his thoughts seemed to physically hurt him at times. "You're not going to let him do this, are you?" Kangin said, now turned to Eunhyuk.
The younger didn't look back at him, but just reached out to give his phone to Yunho, who wiped his tears with his other hand as he took it. "Like I said. He won't pick up."
Kangin leaned back in his seat again, sharing a look of total defeat with Shindong. "This is insane. You're only going to make matters worse..."
"Thank you" Yunho said, catching one of Eunhyuk's hands in his. "I mean it. Thank you so much." Eunhyuk gave his hand a squeeze, but then pulled himself out of Yunho's hold. Yunho knew it took a lot for him to treat Yunho decently after all of their history, and he appreciated more than he thought he could say, so he stood up and walked away with Eunhyuk's phone in a tight grip. He didn't look back to see the reproachful looks Shindong and Kangin shot Eunhyuk. He didn't need to. Eunhyuk probably knew more of what Yunho was feeling, even though he probably hated him despite what he said.
He looked down to the phone and saw a number completely unlike any of those he used to know. Of course, in this business, they needed to change their numbers all the time - not that it made a difference. The special fans they wanted to escape from would always get their number again, no matter what they did. Really, it was useless to try and hide. 'Celebrity' meant 'public property', and would never mean anything else again.
He pressed the call button and hurried into the bathroom again, glad to find it still empty. The pieces of glass were all still scattered over the floor, and Yunho realized he had forgotten about them the moment he had left the room. He leaned against a wall, closing his eyes only to see the world spin, and listened to the warm signals ring. He wasn't as nervous as he thought he should be. Maybe because there was no chance anyone would pick up. Maybe because he just didn't care what happened.
A click on the line. "You better have a good reason to call me now, you meathead. I told you not to call!"
Harsh, but definitely playful. The background noise was overwhelming, to the point where Yunho almost couldn't hear the voice on the other end. "It's me. It's Yunho."
"What? Speak up, dude, I can't hear you."
"It's..."
"Hyukjae?"
"No. I'm..."
"Who is this?"
He finally drew a deep breath. "It's Yunho" he said as loudly as he could muster. He felt weak suddenly, so he slid down the wall and sat down on the dirty floor.
There was no reply. Suddenly the background noise disappeared, and he heard the click of a door. "Yunho?"
"Yeah. It's me."
Another pause, and Yunho felt the tears welling up again. Yes, this was without a doubt a mistake, but a mistake he really needed to make. "You... you sound really drunk."
Yunho didn't know if he should laugh or not. "I am. I am drunk." He hesitated. "You don't sound too sober yourself. Are you drinking?"
"Uhm... I am, actually." A slight laugh.
Yunho frowned a little. "Does Hyukjae know that?" he asked. "You know, he still hasn't broken your promise."
Junsu sighed. "No, I haven't told him, and yeah, I'm a horrible person. I remember."
"I never thought you were a horrible person."
"That's funny." Junsu snorted, leaving Yunho feeling empty and not knowing at all what to say. He had no memory of Junsu ever being so hostile, but he assumed some things changed once you took turns letting each other down. And maybe alcohol wasn't all that flattering on him. "I assume I don't have to ask why you're calling" Junsu said, and Yunho remembered what he was actually doing.
"I... need to speak to him" he said, voice weak, and he felt more pathetic than ever before.
"And you made Hyukjae give you his phone so the fans wouldn't find out" Junsu laughed. "That's clever. That guy really needs a proper beating."
Yunho smiled despite himself. "Don't hurt him. Please."
"Since when do you care at all what happens to him?"
His smile died instantly. "Junsu, please..." he tried, expecting the other man to cut him off, but he didn't. So Yunho didn't know how to continue. Just speaking his name out loud made something in his system shift. It didn't happen a lot.
Junsu sighed deeply right into the phone. Yunho's ears hurt. "He's celebrating his birthday party."
Yunho's heart beat faster. "So can I speak to him?"
"He's not celebrating it with us. He's with Seokcheon and a few other guys, and they're not here." A short pause. "Remember Seokcheon? You guys used to be the bestest of friends before... you know."
Junsu's resentment towards Yunho had never been so clear to him before. "I don't need any reminders of what happened" Yunho said lowly. Because it was the truth. He remembered it all, and he wasn't proud.
Junsu ignored him. "Anyways, he's with Seokcheon. Had you cared what any of us were doing, you would have known that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, he posts his every move on twitter, for one thing."
Yunho laughed. Not because it was funny, but because he was surprised, and he didn't know why. Junsu didn't understand the extent Yunho went to to keep up with what the three of them were doing, but he wasn't going to spend any time explaining it to him. He knew it was a waste, because Junsu would never believe him anyway. "He's posting pictures of himself with Seokcheon on twitter?" he asked, almost in disbelief. "He's being ridiculously obvious."
Junsu laughed, too, and it eased Yunho's heart a little. "Yeah, he is. Maybe he should take lessons in discretion from you."
Yunho hesitated, not knowing if he should defend himself or not. "I still feel things."
"Could've fooled the three of us."
The pain, the reminder that this was all a mistake, made itself known again. He'd gone wrong so many times that he couldn't even bother to defend himself where he had gone right. There was no point. "Why is he not celebrating his birthday with you?" he asked instead.
"He has. But tonight isn't a member night."
"I thought every night was a member night" Yunho said without thinking, still with his eyes closed. It seemed to him that every time the three were allowed on public television, which, granted, wasn't very often at all, Jaejoong would drown his fellow members in affection. Mentioning over and over again how he couldn't live without them. He had said the same about Yunho once upon a time, but here they were, they had gone years without speaking, and Jaejoong was as alive as he'd always been. So how true was it, really?
"I -- what?" Junsu said, sounding nothing but confused.
Yunho kicked himself. "No matter. Can you please, please tell me where he is?"
"Yunho" Junsu said calmly, "he's celebrating his birthday."
"I know."
Junsu sighed again. "Do you really think you should do this to him now? Of all nights?"
"Yes" Yunho said without hesitation. "That's the whole point. I need to tell him... happy birthday."
"So send him a goddamn card" Junsu said incredulously, "or I'll tell him you said hi. Just don't go ruining his night."
"I'll... I'll do it well. I won't upset him. I just... I have to talk to him. You know what I'm like... when it comes to him." Yunho felt tears in his eyes again, even though his eyelids were closed.
"More than I want to admit" Junsu said, scoffing. "But this isn't just about you."
Yunho sighed, knowing he deserved all of the jabs. "Are you really saying" he tried, keeping his voice steady, "that he doesn't need to talk to me just as much as I need to talk to him?"
Another pause, and Yunho hoped selfishly that nothing had changed, that Jaejoong hadn't moved on, that everything was like it was years ago. And judging from Junsu's silence, he was right.
002