Tearful resolve
|
|
|
|
|
|
1529H 07/18/08(GMT +0800H)
That I have loved again was a joy.
That I have been rejected by the Lady I love wrings my heart of the bitter tears that I cannot release.
That I love so rarely, that I have failed in each sincere endeavor to be loved by my beloved Lady makes me wish I can weep these tears of mine borne from the unyielding reality that I am not worthy of the Lady that rejected my love.
Am I to be denied the love I deserve until the very last breath I draw? I do not know. I do not know if I even deserve love from without my person.
Will I always utterly miserably fail to earn the love of my cherished Lady? That I have succeeded in the past means little, for circumstances beyond my purview have ended those relationships (ergo, those relationships couldn't have been with THE cherished Lady). As such, I do not know if I can earn the love of my destined lady.
Will I even -FIND- her? I do not know.
I do know these:
Cold, ruthless & logical I may be, the fiery passion of my ethereal dreams & goals is my motive power.
I will -NEVER- settle for less.
I will -NOT-, most definitely NOT, accept a love given out of pity. To be pitied and loved because of that pity is but a step away from disdain & contempt.
As long as I have breath, I will quest for Her, the Lady who will be my Wife. If, after a thorough search ruled by Logic, I fail to find Her ... I do not know what I'll do if that time does come. I do know that I'll search, look & hope while I live.
For as long as I can cry because of rejected affections, I know that I have the capacity to love & be loved.
I cannot surrender. That everybody thinks I can never ever succeed gives me the freedom to act without fear of damnation. I received most, if not all, of the horrible put-downs, contemptous side-glances, condescending smiles, belittling evaluations & searing ignorant judgment that Humanity can evoke from their persons. That Logic predicts I haven't seen nor received all the horrors Life has to offer scares me. Even so, Nihility stands guard over my core, shielding me from the crippling devaluation hurled against my self. I will prevail or die in the attempt.
As long as I breathe, I will not relinquish my hold on Freedom & Destiny. As long as my heart beats, I will wield them according to my dreams & convictions. Without mercy, acting upon justice, always will I fight for my heart's desires. Failure is but Eternity's way of saying that another beginning comes. As failure brings me to tears, as failure brings me to my knees, as failure crushes my heart with pain, it is at those moments that I must not surrender my self to the oblivion of resigned apathy.
Even as I kneel, I will hold on to my swords, to the self that I've grown to & grow towards. Even as I weep sad bitter tears, I will willingly acknowledge that I have loved without quarter & have thus earned what I am worth to the Lady I offered myself to. Even as my heart is gripped tightly in Pain's unrelenting claws, I will endure and step forward with the lessons I've learned, the scars I've received & the resolve to succeed.
Yes, I withold my tears.
Yes, I did not receive what I've not earned and thus weep over this failure of mine.
Yes, I will step forward towards the battles I've yet to fight, for I still have life within and to deny those battles is to deny myself the chance to earn my righteous glory.
Let all who've earned my wrath tremble. Impede me & eat the fruits of your injustice, for I've no forgiveness for your malice. You, you people of my blood, you sought to destroy me even as you created me & then damn my struggles, failures, my very existence. Truly, I will make you pay.
I live. I fight.
I dance. I think.
I weep. I laugh.
I love. I hate.
As I can choose, I will act.
|
|
|
|
|
1529H 07/18/08(GMT +0800H)
That I have loved again was a joy.
That I have been rejected by the Lady I love wrings my heart of the bitter tears that I cannot release.
That I love so rarely, that I have failed in each sincere endeavor to be loved by my beloved Lady makes me wish I can weep these tears of mine borne from the unyielding reality that I am not worthy of the Lady that rejected my love.
Am I to be denied the love I deserve until the very last breath I draw? I do not know. I do not know if I even deserve love from without my person.
Will I always utterly miserably fail to earn the love of my cherished Lady? That I have succeeded in the past means little, for circumstances beyond my purview have ended those relationships (ergo, those relationships couldn't have been with THE cherished Lady). As such, I do not know if I can earn the love of my destined lady.
Will I even -FIND- her? I do not know.
I do know these:
Cold, ruthless & logical I may be, the fiery passion of my ethereal dreams & goals is my motive power.
I will -NEVER- settle for less.
I will -NOT-, most definitely NOT, accept a love given out of pity. To be pitied and loved because of that pity is but a step away from disdain & contempt.
As long as I have breath, I will quest for Her, the Lady who will be my Wife. If, after a thorough search ruled by Logic, I fail to find Her ... I do not know what I'll do if that time does come. I do know that I'll search, look & hope while I live.
For as long as I can cry because of rejected affections, I know that I have the capacity to love & be loved.
I cannot surrender. That everybody thinks I can never ever succeed gives me the freedom to act without fear of damnation. I received most, if not all, of the horrible put-downs, contemptous side-glances, condescending smiles, belittling evaluations & searing ignorant judgment that Humanity can evoke from their persons. That Logic predicts I haven't seen nor received all the horrors Life has to offer scares me. Even so, Nihility stands guard over my core, shielding me from the crippling devaluation hurled against my self. I will prevail or die in the attempt.
As long as I breathe, I will not relinquish my hold on Freedom & Destiny. As long as my heart beats, I will wield them according to my dreams & convictions. Without mercy, acting upon justice, always will I fight for my heart's desires. Failure is but Eternity's way of saying that another beginning comes. As failure brings me to tears, as failure brings me to my knees, as failure crushes my heart with pain, it is at those moments that I must not surrender my self to the oblivion of resigned apathy.
Even as I kneel, I will hold on to my swords, to the self that I've grown to & grow towards. Even as I weep sad bitter tears, I will willingly acknowledge that I have loved without quarter & have thus earned what I am worth to the Lady I offered myself to. Even as my heart is gripped tightly in Pain's unrelenting claws, I will endure and step forward with the lessons I've learned, the scars I've received & the resolve to succeed.
Yes, I withold my tears.
Yes, I did not receive what I've not earned and thus weep over this failure of mine.
Yes, I will step forward towards the battles I've yet to fight, for I still have life within and to deny those battles is to deny myself the chance to earn my righteous glory.
Let all who've earned my wrath tremble. Impede me & eat the fruits of your injustice, for I've no forgiveness for your malice. You, you people of my blood, you sought to destroy me even as you created me & then damn my struggles, failures, my very existence. Truly, I will make you pay.
I live. I fight.
I dance. I think.
I weep. I laugh.
I love. I hate.
As I can choose, I will act.