Fanfic: Things I am not allowed to do in Kirkwall

Mar 29, 2011 21:21


Title: Things I am no longer allowed to do in Kirkwall
Characters: Everyone
Rating: NSFW (or sanity)
Words: 2,400
Summary: Pure crackfic, feel free to add your own ideas!

Things I am no longer allowed to do in Kirkwall

  • Not allowed to write smutfic when I should be out doing quests



    • Not allowed to claim to be Andraste reborn to see if I can finally get into Sebastian's knickers

    • The Chantry is for prayer and reflection, not blood-magic-fuelled-sexual-orgies

      • No, not even if the rest of my party asked for it

    • Anders will not heal rug burns, lovebites, teeth marks, sore genitals or anything caused by too frequent sex

      • Unless he was the one who put them there

    • Ander's cat was called Sir Pounce-a-lot, not Sir mix-a-lot

      • I have not got a big butt

    • No longer allowed to make 'pussy' jokes near Anders

      • Got too rude when Isabela joined in

      • Got REALLY rude when Varric joined in

    • Varric is a dwarf, he is not 'constantly eyeing up my groin'

      • Even when he is

      • I am not to ask if dwarves have a vibrate function either

    • Not to make jokes when Merrill is suffering from cramps

      • Blood mage + time of the month = my eyebrows taking a month to grow back

    • Merrill, Aveline and Bethany are not 'my bitches'

      • Isabela doesn't seem to mind that name though.

    • Not to play 'truth or dare' with Varric and Isabella again

      • Aveline won't post bail money the next time I end up streaking through Hightown

    • Making 'do I make you horny?' comments to the Qunari is forbidden

    • Darktown may be a sewer but I'm still not to piss in Ander's clinic

      • No, not even if I was shitfaced on dwarven ale. Again

    • Not to give Fenris a wedgie

    • Anders doesn't like the chat up line 'so, you've got 2 people in that body, want another?'

    • Slipping laxatives into the Templars foodstuffs is only funny the first 23 times

      • Although it will always make Anders laugh

    • Must not attempt to find out if Sebastian's Andraste codpiece can stop arrows

    • Not to wipe my bum with a copy of the 'Chant of Light' ever again

      • No, not even if we are stranded in the Deep Roads and I get a nasty case of the trots

    • 'The Hanged Man' is not an S&M parlour and I should stop telling people it is

    • If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it

      • Even if Isabela did it first

    • No drinking dwarven ale when on quests

      • Because it's hard to fight raiders with a stinking hangover, that's why

      • Anders won't cure hangovers

    • Acceptable uses of lyrium potions = restoring mana. Unacceptable uses = sexual lubricant

    • Not to carve disgustingly crude graffiti into my own house then blame a party member

    • Sebastian does not have a war cry of 'There can be only one!'

      • I am not 'Pussy Galore' either

    • Not to flaunt my sexual deviances in front of the Viscount

    • Not to replace all incidences of the word 'Grace' to 'In mah butt' in the Chantry's songbooks

    • Shaving using only a fire spell; bad idea

    • Mage staffs are not lightsabers nor do they have a 'stun' setting

    • When I hear Merrill ask if something is flammable, I am to run and THEN look backwards not the other way around

    • No longer allowed to make party members fight in mud to see who is coming with me that day

      • Certainly not allowed to sell tickets either

    • No-one gives out quests that say 'shag a party member' and I should stop claiming that they do


spoiler free, da2

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