Title: Things I am no longer allowed to do in Kirkwall
Characters: Everyone
Rating: NSFW (or sanity)
Words: 2,400
Summary: Pure crackfic, feel free to add your own ideas!
Things I am no longer allowed to do in Kirkwall
Not allowed to write smutfic when I should be out doing quests
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Not allowed to claim to be Andraste reborn to see if I can finally get into Sebastian's knickers
The Chantry is for prayer and reflection, not blood-magic-fuelled-sexual-orgies
No, not even if the rest of my party asked for it
Anders will not heal rug burns, lovebites, teeth marks, sore genitals or anything caused by too frequent sex
Unless he was the one who put them there
Ander's cat was called Sir Pounce-a-lot, not Sir mix-a-lot
I have not got a big butt
No longer allowed to make 'pussy' jokes near Anders
Got too rude when Isabela joined in
Got REALLY rude when Varric joined in
Varric is a dwarf, he is not 'constantly eyeing up my groin'
Even when he is
I am not to ask if dwarves have a vibrate function either
Not to make jokes when Merrill is suffering from cramps
Blood mage + time of the month = my eyebrows taking a month to grow back
Merrill, Aveline and Bethany are not 'my bitches'
Isabela doesn't seem to mind that name though.
Not to play 'truth or dare' with Varric and Isabella again
Aveline won't post bail money the next time I end up streaking through Hightown
Making 'do I make you horny?' comments to the Qunari is forbidden
Darktown may be a sewer but I'm still not to piss in Ander's clinic
No, not even if I was shitfaced on dwarven ale. Again
Not to give Fenris a wedgie
Anders doesn't like the chat up line 'so, you've got 2 people in that body, want another?'
Slipping laxatives into the Templars foodstuffs is only funny the first 23 times
Although it will always make Anders laugh
Must not attempt to find out if Sebastian's Andraste codpiece can stop arrows
Not to wipe my bum with a copy of the 'Chant of Light' ever again
No, not even if we are stranded in the Deep Roads and I get a nasty case of the trots
'The Hanged Man' is not an S&M parlour and I should stop telling people it is
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it
Even if Isabela did it first
No drinking dwarven ale when on quests
Because it's hard to fight raiders with a stinking hangover, that's why
Anders won't cure hangovers
Acceptable uses of lyrium potions = restoring mana. Unacceptable uses = sexual lubricant
Not to carve disgustingly crude graffiti into my own house then blame a party member
Sebastian does not have a war cry of 'There can be only one!'
I am not 'Pussy Galore' either
Not to flaunt my sexual deviances in front of the Viscount
Not to replace all incidences of the word 'Grace' to 'In mah butt' in the Chantry's songbooks
Shaving using only a fire spell; bad idea
Mage staffs are not lightsabers nor do they have a 'stun' setting
When I hear Merrill ask if something is flammable, I am to run and THEN look backwards not the other way around
No longer allowed to make party members fight in mud to see who is coming with me that day
Certainly not allowed to sell tickets either
No-one gives out quests that say 'shag a party member' and I should stop claiming that they do
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