[Fanfiction - F!Amell/Alistair] No More Unhappy Endings - Pirates and Charts
Title: No more Unhappy Endings - Pirates and Charts
Rating: G
Pairing: F!Amell/Alistair
Summary: Kaylie Amell is a crazy person and annoys Duncan on the way to Ostagar.
A lot of us have done this. You get all jazzed about making your own rewrite of the story and it fizzles out somewhere along the line. However, I have wrote several snippets and I was vastly amused by my extremely dorky Amell and thought you might be to.
No More Unhappy Endings:
Pirates and Charts
“So about those Griffins…”
It had been a long long day for Duncan.
“I do not know anything else about Griffins,” Duncan responded for the tenth time that day. He certainly didn’t mind answering general questions about their order or darkspawn. But why Kaylie Amell kept harping on an extinct species was beyond him…
“How could you not know anything else about them? They’re the official emblem.”
“They’ve been extinct for over 200 years.” Duncan held back a sigh.
Kaylie scoffed. “Then why are they still the official emblem? That’s like giving everyone false promises. They see the emblem and people think ‘Oh, we’re going to be saved by Griffins!’ and then you arrive and they’re like ‘Oh… they’re walking. That’s nice…’ It must be embarrassing for all involved.”
“I’ll be sure to take that up with the First Warden as soon as possible.”
“Who is the First Warden?”
“He is the head of our order.”
“What does he do?”
“As soon as I find that out I shall tell you.”
Duncan made a mental note to point Kaylie’s enthusiasm at Alistair at the first opportunity. He was quite fond of the lad, but it would be good for him to have the same level of enthusiasm pointed at him for once. Maybe it would give the young man some perspective.
Or the two would band together and create an unstoppable team of talkative enthusiasm.
Duncan scratched his beard and tried not to wince. What a daunting thought…. Well it was all moot anyhow if the young mage didn’t survive.
“Well, I think they should change the emblem to a unicorn.” Kaylie held up five fingers and began to tick them off one by one. “You can ride them, their horns can stab things, they’re pretty, they can stomp on things, and they’re supposed to be magical.”
“They’re also imaginary.”
“No they’re not! I’ve done research. I’m fairly sure there’s a herd of them on The Island of No Return.”
“That no one has returned from?”
“Um, yes?”
Was this really the best candidate the First Enchanter could find? At least the girl was magically competent. She’d very efficiently set two bears and a pack of wolves on fire that morning. Although, the giggling afterwards had been worrisome.
Surely, she couldn’t keep up this pace for long? The Circle wasn’t known for their exercise regime…
Duncan sped up his pace.
“Does being a Gray Warden usually involve this much walking?” the young mage kicked a stone in her path.
“It is mostly walking.”
“Oh…” Kaylie stooped down and pick a flower from the ground. Duncan had observed her picking up and touching foliage off and on since they left the tower. Combined with her rubbernecking like some peasant getting their first glimpse of Denerim it was slowing them down considerably.
Still, if the girl died this would be her only opportunity to see flowers and stars. The years had not hardened him so that he couldn’t give her the few extra hours their journey would take.
Blessed silence fell upon them as the young mage examined a leaf as she walked.
It was short lived.
“Have you ever been a pirate?”
“What?” Duncan nearly stumbled.
“You look quite swarthy. I hear pirates are quite swarthy. I wondered if you had ever been one. I could see you with a hat with a feather in it.” She paused. “Oh! And a parrot. I can easily picture you with a parrot.”
“I have never owned a parrot.”
“Why not?”
“Dark spawn would kill the parrot.”
“Would they eat it?
“Perhaps, if they felt like it... they usually focus on people.”
“Oh, like the parrot would be the cookie you had to make due with because someone else ate all the cake?”
“I... suppose?” What the hell had Irving gotten him into?
There was nearly two hours of blessed silence then. Duncan had begun to hope his warden recruit was finally starting to tire.
But alas…
“Duncan?”
He sighed. “Yes?”
“Thank you, by the way.”
Duncan glanced over. “For what?”
“For conscripting me.”
“It was not a charitable decision.” Duncan looked away to gaze at the road, seeing decades of dead young promising recruits with drying darkspawn blood at the sides of their mouths.
Kaylie laughed. “I know you’re not taking me to the land of rainbows and puppies. But if it gets me out of the Tower….and there was that whole helping a blood mage thing. I was about to be in deep shit.” She scowled. “I did NOT know he was a blood mage for the record.” The young woman shifted her pack on her shoulders. “Stupid big eared idiot... but I don’t regret helping him either.”
“You don’t?” Duncan glanced at her from the corner of his eye. Blood magic was not forbidden in the wardens, but the Ferelden wardens had a tenuous foothold as it was. He would rather not test their situation if he could help it.
“Blood magic makes my skin crawl and it’s too damn powerful for anyone to handle. Also, who the hell would want anemia all the time? I guess you could kill people but that’s SUPER SUPER evil.” She sighed. “But I’ve known Jowan since I was eight and I don’t regret helping my best friend even if he’s an idiot. And I don’t regret joining the wardens either.”
“You may change your mind soon enough.”
“Ah. That was very cryptic of you. You got just the right level of foreboding timbre in your voice.”
Duncan chuckled deep and low in his chest “I try.”
“What is being Warden Commander like?” The young woman shifted her pack on her shoulders again. Perhaps, she was finally beginning to tire?
“Unenviable.”
“Maybe I’ll live long enough to become a Warden Commander. I think I would enjoy people calling me commander. Do you get paid more?”
“Paid? Hah.” Duncan had to chuckle at that one.
“Do people at least salute you?”
“No…”
“Not even if you told them to?”
“I suppose I could-“ Wait, why was he agreeing?
“I think you should it might make you feel better.” Kaylie stopped abruptly, turned on her heel, and gave Duncan a crisp military salute. “How did that feel?”
“Wonderful,” Duncan deadpanned. “Life changing. I am reborn a new man.”
----
On the second day, the walk to Ostagar was considerably quieter.
“How are you faring today?” Duncan glanced at his warden recruit from the corner of his eye.
“Mmmfine.” Kaylie mumbled, dragging her feet with a heavy lumbered gait. Her shoulders were hunched and the bridge of her nose and cheekbones were tinged pink with sunburn.
They walked for several minutes in silence.
“Ah, good strategy. Not talking will conserve your energy.” Duncan was only able to keep his expression neutral from decades of practice.
Kaylie gave him a shrewd and knowing glare. Ah ha, so there was a mind somewhere underneath that mouth of hers. That was good to know.
Several hours later…
“How much further err… sir.” For the last several hours she’d been making a visible effort to refer to him as “sir” and “commander”. He presumed that was in order for her to get used to the idea. He suspected her normal form of address consisted of phrases like “Hey you”.
“We shall reach Ostagar in three days.” Perhaps, he was being too hard on her. He was beyond petty childish revenge at this stage in his life.
“Oh.” She wiped a bead of sweat from her sunburned forehead. “That’s good.”
“And then we shall have a large scale battle with a horde of darkspawn.”
Kaylie tripped. “What?!”
“Several days later.”
So perhaps, he wasn’t above petty childish revenge.
Kaylie was not amused. “That was mean… sir.”
“Yes. Yes, it was.”
----
Find Alistair, Duncan had said before he up and disappeared on her abruptly as soon as they’d reached Ostagar.
What did Alistair look like? What did he sound like? Where was he likely to be? None of these things had seemed to be important information to Duncan. And now she was wandering aimlessly through the Ostagar camp talking to and poking random people and feeling awkward and vulnerable.
She felt like a naïve country bumpkin come to the big city for the first time. Any minute now she as going to sell all of her worldly possessions for a bag of magic beans.
And her robes stood out so much among the sea of leather and steel. She felt like a big Templar target. She’d nearly had a heart attack when she walked by a tent full of mages and templar. The helmeted Templar had looked her way but made no move to apprehend her. Someone must have told them… The mages brought to the battle were huddled inside a small circle of Templars while she walked freely.
It made her feel deeply guilty.
But that was crazy talk. She was a Gray Warden now. She was allowed to walk about camp. She’d been ordered to! But nevertheless… What made her so special that she could discuss Mabari with Chasind warriors, promise to help a sick dog, sneak food to deserters, and even manage to talk her way into chatting with the King while they peered at the world between the backs of steel Templars?
The King also appeared to be an idiot, which was not comforting either.
Maybe Alistair wasn’t real at all. Maybe ‘find the Alistair’ was some sort of Gray Warden initiate hazing ritual. At dawn someone would jump out and go, ‘Surprise! There is no Alistair!’ And then there would be much chuckling at the new girl’s expense and then she’d learn the secret handshake.
The sun had begun to set when she found herself on the outskirts of the Ostagar camp. The dawn rays of light were turning the ivory stone of the ruins a pale orange. She leaned against a sun warmed pillar and felt a headache creeping up her temples. She’d been searching for most of the day.
Her short respite was quickly broken by the sounds of an argument around the corner. She peered curiously around the edge.
A young man in splintmail who looked to be close to her age was arguing with a blue robed mage. The man in splint mail was rather handsome with sharp defined features and a tall strong build. The argument seemed to have something to do with the Chantry being jerks. Kaylie didn’t’ find that at all surprising. At least, that’s what she thought they were arguing about. The dawn light was reflecting off of the handsome man’s hair and turning it a glowing copper and it was vastly distracting.
After the mage had left in a huff, Kaylie stepped out from the pillar tentatively and approached the blonde man.
“There’s nothing like a blight to bring people together,” the man mumbled softly to himself.
“While darkspawn rip them apart?”
The man jumped and swirled around to face her. “Maker’s breathe lady! I nearly peed myself.” He blushed bright red. “I mean not literally. Because that would be disgusting and not something you tell strangers... Heh…” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“Are you Alistair?”
“Yes?” He smiled a bit uncertainly and eyed the staff at her back.
“Finally! I’ve been looking all over for you. Duncan told me to find you. Someone should put a bell around your neck.”
Alistair’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Oohhhh. You must be the new Grey Warden recruit. Duncan said he was going to the Circle.”
“So when is Grey Warden orientation?”
She must have said something extremely stupid, because Alistair was looking at her like she’d grown an extra head. Which he had no right to do, because it wasn’t like she’d talked about peeing herself in front of strangers. Eww.
“So there’s… no orientation?” Kaylie’s shoulders slumped.
“Nooooo…” Alistair drew out the word slowly and carefully. “But I can draw you a chart and point at it a few times if that will make you feel better?”
“Oh fantastic! I’m partial to pie graphs myself. Maybe because they remind me of pie.”
Alistair coughed and laughed awkwardly. “I was joking about the graphs…”
Kaylie’s blushed. “Do you make it a habit of promising women things you can’t deliver?”
“I also like to disappoint them. I’m awesome like that.”
“Well I was joking about the graphs earlier...” Kaylie tried to look as nonchalant as possible.
“Surrrrre you were.”
“Do they at least feed us at this camp?” Kaylie hadn’t eaten since the night before. Her stomach was starting to turn itself into knots. She wasn’t used to going without hearty meals. The tower might be an oppressive prison of fear and obedience, but the food had been really good.
“All Grey Wardens are supplied with a hunting knife. Once you kill your first boar…” He paused and scrutinized her. “Unless you prefer to kill one with your bare hands?”
“…what?”
“You do know how to skin a boar don’t you?”
Oh crap. Was that something everyone outside of the tower knew how to do? Would they send her back if they found out she didn’t know how? Surely she could fake it? It just involved cutting and peeling right? Maybe? “I um… could learn?”
“Unless you prefer crickets and grubs.” Alistair scratched his stubbled chin. “I’ve got extra trowels too if you need them.”
“…what?” Oh damn. Grey Wardens ate bugs? Had the blight progressed that much? Had it already destroyed the land’s crop’s to the point of famine? Were the bugs even dead before you ate them? Maybe if she chewed them really fast it would be okay? What if they crawled back up?
“I’m joking.” Alistair grinned boyishly at her, and it wasn’t handsome at all damn it. Not at all.
“I think you’re not awesome at all just so you know.”
“I’ll make a note of that.” He leaned in and whispered, “On my graph.”
Not. At. All.