Fanmix: Old Roads
This was a huge amount of fun! This is my official entry for the Fic Soundtrack Contest. It probably goes without saying that this contains massive spoilers for Old Roads. I've grabbed scenes from the story that each song applies to, by way of explanation.
Old Roads Playlist on Grooveshark.com
(Old Roads can be found on my ff.net profile or on its series page at AO3.)
The City of Marrow - SJ Tucker (The Black City Theme)
The greenmarket calls from canopied stalls
But a ghost town is all you will find,
purses large and small, gold coins changing hands,
gone to paper, and ruin, and lost time...
Kathil:
Kathil was almost close enough to touch the walls of the Black City.
It had become easier to think, once she was within reach of it. She'd stepped off the old road, and now she knew enough to be very, very afraid. Just beyond her vision, out of the corner of her eye, nightmares paced. They waited for her to make a decision. Forward, to the Black City, or back, into their arms.
Damned either way.
The walls were not entirely black. They had been golden once, and gold still glinted beneath the scorch and the crumble. The sky above the walls was blood-red still, but the howling had quieted.
The Black City sang now, a lullaby to her weary bones. There was rest within, it sang. There was comfort as she had not known for years. Within those battered walls, there was no such thing as a man she loved but could never have in any of the ways that mattered. No such thing as companions who had wandered on their way, leaving her behind. Nobody would stare. She would be perfected, within those walls.
She longed to leave all of her weaknesses behind.
Kathil glanced to the side, where things without form rippled through the air that was not air. She would be torn apart if she stepped back from the wall. She would die and her mortal body would be taken by one of them.
Perhaps the grim unknown was better than the grisly known.
Then, the voice, tickling in her ear. I need you.
You must come back now, lovely one.
There was someone touching her face with exaggerated care. Invisible fingers brushed over her hair. Kathil flinched, but the sensation seemed to be doing no harm, and was warming something that had gone cold inside of her. Above her, the Black City's lullaby was transmuting back to a howl. How could she have ever thought its song was beautiful? It was twisted. Dead. Tainted.
You cannot tarry.
(from Waking Hours)
Within Without - Over the Rhine (Zevran’s Theme)
And then there is your flair for murder
there’s a dagger in the border of your cloak
and I suspect a captain's gun
As you put to death suspicion
kindly kill my fears as well
Exorcise and slay the demons one by one
Kathil:
The elf grimaced. "A fair comparison, if not flattering, my Grey Warden. One of my fellow Crows, a very wise woman named Ville, once told me that love only ever ended one way. With a dead body. It is something I forgot only once."
She turned her hand so that her palm was against his. "Rinna."
"Indeed." No lightning-quick smiles now, little humor in his voice. She ached for him; this man was not made for unhappiness. "I find myself wondering if history will repeat itself. And when."
She tightened her hand on his, and then let go. "Every breath is a choice. Sometimes, you have to choose to let the past be gone. Right now, I am choosing to go to bed. I've just gotten done being poisoned, having my best friend try to explain to me why it was her in charge of a confidence game that might have gotten Rima killed, and you're worrying about whether or not admitting that you're in love with me is going to doom you to killing me." She gave him a half-smile. "Come to bed when you're finished brooding, Zev."
"Ah, she is so very cruel to me," he said, and she could see the smile returning to his face. "When you put it that way, my Grey Warden, it does sound somewhat silly, no?" He swung his legs over the wall and stood, holding a hand out to her.
She took his hand, then pulled him close. "Only a bit. I am not Rinna, Zev. You tried to kill me once, and it didn't stick."
"True, that is." He put an arm around her. "I am well chastened, yes? Off to bed with us."
She didn't move. The lamplight was playing over his tanned features, handsome in that sharp way that elves often were, his hair falling forward to nearly hide his tattoos. They were alone on the wall except for Lorn, the city stretched sleeping below them, and the moment pressed on her.
"I love you," she said, keeping her voice soft. "Just in case you were wondering." And before he could reply, before he could say anything (because he was looking oddly surprised at her statement, and she wondered if he really had not known), she kissed him.
It took them a long time to part, and when they did it was in silence. Wordlessly, Kathil began to move towards the stairs, keeping her arm around Zevran. Lorn fell in behind them, and together they went down the stairs, towards their room.
Later, in the dark, Kathil was on the edge of sleep, with Zevran curled around her. "I, as well," he murmured into her ear, in a voice so low she almost could not hear him.
(from Unstrung Harmonies)
She - Abney Park (Leliana’s Theme)
We have traveled this world for years
We - have dried each other’s tears
We - have consoled each other’s fears
But always in doubt, and never in doubt
Of we..
Leliana:
"Dearest." She dropped to her heels and took Kathil's hands in hers. "There are such things as sleeves. You are a lovely woman, and all beauty is a gift from the Maker. Let us celebrate it. Please?"
There was a look of such misery on the mage's face that broke Leliana's heart, just a little. "I...have no idea," she started, then stopped. "I don't even know what to look for. What if I look ridiculous? I mean…it's clothes. I'm not good at clothes, Lei."
She looked like she would much rather face down the Landsmeet again, or face another dragon, than have anything to do with picking out something pretty to wear. "But I am, Kathil. Clothes…in a way, they are like language, yes? Armor says something to everyone who sees it. Mage robes say something. You understand that, I know you do. Armor and robes won't say the proper things at all, not for these dances. You must have things that say I am a beautiful and dangerous woman, and I understand the language that nobles speak." She squeezed the mage's hands, which had gone cold but are beginning to warm now. "If you cannot trust yourself, trust me. I promise that I'm very good at this."
There was a still little moment between them, Kathil's expression opaque. Then she used her hands on Leliana's to pull her into a hug. "I trust you," she said, and ah the tension in her body, hard muscle shifting against Leliana in contrast to the other, softer parts of both of them.
She kissed the mage's hair. "Then let me do this for you," and her words had many meanings, and from the way Kathil tensed again and then relaxed into Leliana's arms she had heard them.
And this was just another bar in the music between them.
(from Unstrung Harmonies )
The World Can Wait - Over the Rhine (the Zevran/Cullen/Amell theme)
if this should end tomorrow
all our best laid plans
and all our typical fears
am I running out of lifetimes
this is not the first time
something ends in just tears
but tomorrow I can't imagine
how am I supposed to know
what's yet to go down?
is there only one religion
the kind that whispers
when nobody comes around?
Cullen:
Zevran was there already, and he'd brought supper with him. They made a picnic of it, passing around a dark crumbling bread, cheese for the bread, and slices of barely-warm roasted beef on the floor of the central room. When Cullen mentioned that Lorn had tracked Kathil to the Pearl earlier that day, Zevran raised an eyebrow and made a remark about the sorts of things Kathil liked at the Pearl, to which Kathil retorted, "I only told her to surprise me the once-"
And they were all laughing, and Zevran was teasing the mage fondly, and fortunately it seemed that Kathil's mood from earlier had entirely dissipated. After they had mostly finished eating, with Lorn guarding the door, the mage grabbed Cullen's hand and pulled him over to where she was sitting, and kissed him soundly, And then she kissed Zevran.
Things rather devolved from there, delightfully so, and Cullen felt the light-headed feeling of too much wine coming over him again, because he hadn't forgotten that afternoon several weeks ago when he'd ended up in bed with both of them, or dancing with Zevran at the masque, or the glances he and the elf have been giving each other ever since.
There just hadn't been time or privacy to do anything about it.
Now, there was.
They began as before with Kathil between them, only this time all of them gradually shed their clothes, and though Cullen had seen the patterns in scar on Zevran's back and chest before, the extent of the scarring always surprised him. Just like the terrible scarring that pitted the flesh on Kathil's shoulder was a part of her, the scars were a part of Zevran. And-a surprise-he had tattoos in places that made Cullen wince to think about the process of getting them, though they did show off certain lines very well.
Both of their hands played over Kathil's skin, and she stretched, arching her back in appreciation. "I think," she murmured, "that it is Cullen's turn to be in the middle."
And just like that-
(from Unstrung Harmonies)
Augustine - Vienna Teng (Cullen’s Theme)
Lead me now, I understand
Faith is both the prison and the open hand
Bells on low, on high
Will you ring for Augustine tonight?
Cullen:
Everything was falling into place.
Everything twisted, broken, out of place, her words made sense of it, and there was such relief in him. Of course. Of course this was exactly where he belonged, the path he was supposed to be on. He had fought for so long, trying to find his way to the place he was supposed to be, trying to find a place where the shape of his life and his soul fit.
Cullen is my Templar.
And she was looking at him with those dark eyes, and in them the waters of the Fade moved, and he knew those waters and he knew her. Knew her great power, and the great price it demanded, and her deep and aching need for someone who would know when that price was about to destroy her.
He straightened his shoulders. "I do not disagree," he said. He turned his face towards the Grey Wardens who stood in judgment over him.
(From Fearful Symmetries)
Winterborn (This Sacrifice) - Cruxshadows (Amell’s Theme)
And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born
Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born
Kathil:
In the shifting shadows of the Fade, the nightmares moved.
There were so many of them. So many twisted forms, armored and scaled and clawed. Some looked like the strange statues that were scattered through the Fade, attenuated humanoids with bizarre, jointed wings. Some crept like rats. Others flew from spire to spire, wrapping their wings around the spires as they landed.
The largest was one that Kathil recognized. She had first met it on the old road in Waking Sea, the dragonlike thing with burning green eyes, its powerful hind legs carrying it swiftly towards her. "I can call them off," the demon whispered. "I will call the Unwilling away, if you only stop those would ruin what I have built. Or I can leave you to them. Do you think your knights will close the Veil before the Unwilling kill you and escape into the mortal world?"
The nightmares-the Unwilling, as the demon termed them-slowed as they approached. The largest regarded Kathil with that intelligent stare, and its narrow nostrils in that dragonlike muzzle flared.
The demon kept calling her thrice-bound. Bound first to the Circle, bound second to the Wardens.
What was the third binding?
Looking at the nightmares, she thought she might know.
She had been a mouse, a bonfire, a spirit, a stone, all trapped within the nightmare of a Templar, inside a Tower aflame with the fears of those who lived within. She remembered. And she remembered what it was to have Urthemiel pass through her. All the Old God had once been. All that he had become.
Kathil closed her eyes, and called forth the thing within her that she had spent years fighting to understand.
Around her bloomed the body of a dragon.
(from Quiet Foxes)
Blood Makes Noise - Suzanne Vega (Jowan’s Theme)
I think that you might want to know
the details and the facts
but there’s something in the blood
denies the memory of the acts
so just forget it doctor
it’s really cool that you’re concerned
but we’ll have to try again after the silence has returned
because blood makes noise
it’s a ringing in my ear
Blood makes noise
and I can barely hear you in the thickening of fear
Jowan:
"If you're going to try to set things right with the Circle, you're probably going to need my help," he said. "I have every reason to hate the Tower, Kathil, but…you weren't there. You didn't see what happened. There is something altogether strange happening at the Tower. I can't really explain it."
He was a blood mage, and the Tower was bleeding.
Blood makes noise.
"The Tower's a necessary evil," Kathil said, her voice quiet. "You've always known that, Jowan. So have I. I might not be a part of it any more, but I also can't let it fall if there's something I can do about it. Of course…there is the possibility that it may have to die in order to change." She raised her chin a little and fixed him with a dark gaze. "I really do not think I need your help. I have quite enough strays as it is."
Jowan clenched his jaw, gritting his teeth together. "Do the Grey Wardens reject blood magic, then?"
"No," she said. "We use whatever we can in the service of what we are made for. This isn't about your magic, Jowan. It's about you. And me. And a perfectly sweet sister-in-training who is in the Aeonar because of you. And a little boy who should have been sent to the Tower instead of trained by an apostate-or, at least, that apostate should have secured his books a bit better. And a good man who nearly died. And sodding war I had to fight. Because of you, and your selfishness."
Now he had his arms crossed, as well. Cullen was shifting where he stood, but Jowan spared barely a glance for him. The dangerous person in the room right now was Kathil. "I am not asking for forgiveness. Just a chance to do what I can to remedy my mistakes. To serve something greater than myself. I will do whatever you ask of me, Kathil, as long as I am allowed this."
She drew a sharp breath. "Anything?"
He nodded, not trusting his voice.
(from Unstrung Harmonies )
Antebellum - Vienna Teng (Alistair’s Theme)
But then the fights, the sharp words splintering the night
How I couldn’t be what you’d need
But oh, how I could make you bleed...
I know the borderlines we drew between us
Keep the weapons down, keep the wounded safe
I know our antebellum innocence
Was never meant to see the light of our armistice day
Alistair:
She looked sidelong at him. "Am I? Still your favorite mage, that is."
And it was so odd, that the question was just a question, and didn't come with any swirling undercurrents or the feeling that there wasn't anything he could say without it being the wrong thing. With Cullen having taken up a watchful guard on the mage (and looking absolutely overjoyed by that), Alistair thought that he'd been supplanted rather neatly.
Blessedly.
That, too, was an odd thought.
"You are," he told her. "And my friend. And, I will add, completely terrifying." He grinned at her.
She wrinkled her nose at him. "And you're kind of a big dumb lout sometimes. Not as dumb as you look, though." She hit him on the shoulder. "You're a good king, Alistair. I did all right, putting you on the throne. And it looks like you finally forgave me for it."
He stepped into an alcove with a window in it, and she followed. The window faced out to the Waking Sea, to endless waves turned to silver where sunlight touched them. "I think we've finally forgiven each other, Kathil."
"Took us long enough." She looked out the window, and the reflected light of the sea played over her face, turning the scar to silver like one of the waves. "Strange. This, I almost remember." She turned away from the window, and she was grinning at him, and it was as if the extra twist at the corner of her mouth from the scar had always been there, had always been a part of her. "Come on. If we're going to leave tomorrow morning, we both need to pack, and I think Lorn's been stealing your socks. Again."
(from Fearful Symmetries)
Confide In Me - Antigora (orig. Kylie Minogue) (Cullen and Amell’s theme)
We all get hurt by love
And we all have our cross to bear
But in the name of understanding now
Our problems should be shared
Confide in me, confide in me
I can keep a secret
And throw away the key
But sometimes to release it
Is to set our children free
Cullen:
"I wonder." Kathil ran her thumb over the newly sharpened tip of her quill. "The problem is, Cullen, that there is no good reason to not become Warden-General. Except that I rather hate the idea."
"Why?" he asked her.
She put the quill down on the table and wriggled around in her chair to face him. "Because I got taken out of the Tower as a mage who had just passed her Harrowing, and a month later I was one of only two Grey Wardens in Ferelden and for some ridiculous reason I was in charge. I went for an entire year half hoping, half dreading that someone was finally going to look at me and figure out that I had no sodding idea what I was doing."
"You broke the Blight," he pointed out. "Killed an Archdemon. Killed Uldred."
"Arl Howe, Loghain, Branka-well, Loghain wasn't officially me, Alistair executed him-a bunch of werewolves, Flemeth-" She was ticking names off on her fingers. "Point me at someone who needs to die and I do a very good job. That doesn't mean I'm a good leader."
Lorn had woken up, and came over to sit in front of his human, plopping his massive head in her lap. She stroked his head absently.
Cullen furrowed his brow in disbelief. "Wait. You're telling me that you don't want to become Warden-General because you think you'd be bad at it?"
"Ah." There was an oddly puzzled look on her face. "I-yes. Yes? I'm just a mage, Cullen."
"Just a mage," he said quietly. "If you really want to go back to the Tower, that's one thing. But if you don't want to be Warden-General because you're scared-"
He closed his mouth, because her dark eyes were widening and he wasn't exactly sure what that look on her face portended. And that was probably a lot more than he ought to have said.
(from Unstrung Harmonies )
Running Up That Hill - Placebo (orig. Kate Bush) (The Tower theme)
It doesn’t hurt me
you wanna see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder
there’s a thunder in our hearts baby
With so much hate for the ones we love
But tell me we both matter, don’t we?
And if I only could
I’d make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places...
Kathil:
She let out a long exhale, and tipped her chair back, balancing it on two legs. Lorn looked up at her, concerned. "You never liked me, Greagoir. Why?"
"It is not my task to enjoy the company of mages, Grey Warden." He was still looking at her steadily.
Two can play this little game, Templar. "The thing about growing up in the Tower is that you learn to watch the Templars, and listen to them. You pretend to ignore them, pretend they're invisible, but you're looking at them out of the corner of your eye, learning to distinguish the men inside the helmets. You learn when one likes you, and another doesn't. Was it my friendship with Cullen? I'm under no illusions that it wasn't noticed."
For a moment, Kathil thought he was going to continue to stonewall her. Then he picked up a piece of paper from the desk, and set it down again. "I saw his...attachment to you. I could see that you had the potential to ruin his life."
"Like his mother ruined his father's life?" she asked, keeping her voice quiet and steady, and praying-
Greagoir's head jerked up, and she saw her question hit home. "You-"
"Yes. I know that Wynne was his mother." Seeing the silent question on his face, she shook her head. "No, she didn't tell me. I did some research. And he does look like you, you know."
"So I've been told." Greagoir raked a hand through his hair, and in that motion he resembled Cullen so much that her heart twisted. "Does he know?"
She nodded. "Not that he's currently thinking about anything much other than the lyrium withdrawal, and I tried to give him the impression that you likely didn't know he ever existed. I…assumed that was not the case, however."
"I knew." His eyes went briefly to something below the desk-a drawer, perhaps? Then he looked back at her. "That was a very long time ago, Warden. Why bring up the dead past now?"
She tipped her chair forward and let the suspended legs hit the floor with a hollow thump. "None of us are who we were four years ago. I know that you can't look too closely at what's going on, Greagoir." She held up a hand, glaring at him as he tried to protest. "Just listen. I bring up the past because it's the past that dogs us, blinds us to the present. Our first duty is to protect against the darkspawn, but this place was my home for many years, and I have a strong interest in seeing it-and the mages within it-safe. Let me do what I do best, without interference. You're right, you know. If something isn't done, the Tower will be empty of all but Tranquil before Lake Calenhad thaws in the spring."
(From Quiet Foxes)