[fic] Holding On, Giving In and Letting Go
These are my very first fics. 7 years of reading fanfiction, it was bound to happen. The first one was inspired by the time Junsu was hospitalized in LA, then it grew into a trilogy. The fics center around JYJ struggling to find their place in music scene and life in general, each feature two members: ChunJae, Yoosu and JaeSu respectively.
Title: Holding On
Pairings: ChunJae (bff!), Yoosu (implied)
Rating: PG
Late at night the hospital room was silent safe for the sound of steady breathing. Yoochun sat still watching the boy in bed who was peacefully sleeping. He looked tired and his face was strained with worry and regret. “I should have noticed sooner…” He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice someone enter.
“Hey.” Jaejoong put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly.
“Hey,” Yoochun answered looking up at him.
“How’s he doing?”
“The temperature’s fallen and they gave him some sedatives so he should sleep for awhile.”
“You should too.” Yoochun looked up about to protest, but Jae spoke before he uttered a sound:
“Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true.” Then, in a softer voice he continued:
“Look, Junsu’s here because he tried too hard and didn’t let himself rest. That’s exactly what you’re doing right now. Do you want to take his place? I know you want to be there when he wakes up, but he’s a big boy. He sure won’t be pleased when he finds out you’re wearing yourself out because of him.”
Yoochun sighed and for a few moments continued sitting there. Then, quietly he stood up and left the room.
“We all need rest. Come on, we’ll see him first thing in the morning,” Jaejoong assured as they continued walking towards the exit. They walked in silence for awhile. Then, Jaejoong spoke again:
“When I first met Junsu he was so independent. We were on good terms, but I wouldn’t say close. It seemed like he didn’t really need anyone.” Jae paused and smiled to himself. “Until he met you. He still doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs you a lot. He still tries to look tough, but around you he’s taking his guard down.”
They reached the car. Outside it was chilly and still dark. In the early morning the streets were deserted. But instead of getting into the car Jaejoong paused and turned to look at Yoochun. “I know I’m selfish, but I need you too, you know.”
“Jae…”
“I’m so grateful I met you. I don’t think I could make it without you.” For Jaejoong such moments of insecurity were rare. The older man always tried to hide his weakness. Though people often praised his beauty in a way it was also a burden and he put a lot of effort to reaffirm his masculinity. Yoochun felt honoured that he was one of the few who got to see his fragile side. Then he felt arms around his neck and a warm body pressing against his. There were no more words said. Yoochun just continued to hold him tightly and whispering into his ear:
“It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.”
Title: Giving In
Pairings: Yoosu
Rating: PG
Summary: Yoochun visits Junsu in the hospital.
“Hey, babe,” Yoochun said entering the hospital room. It was nearly noon and the sun shone brightly through the curtains. Yoochun sat on the chair next to the bed.
“Hey yourself.” Replied Junsu. He looked like he woke up just minutes ago, skin pale and eyes unfocused. He didn’t exactly look pretty, but Yoochun treasured times like this. It was one of those rare chances of seeing Junsu without his guards up. That and the fact that he found sleep-muffled Junsu extremely cute. He didn’t say it though. Instead he said:
“You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah? Well go look at yourself.” The familiar teasing made them feel at ease and brought a smile to their faces. After a moment though Yoochun grew serious:
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“Right. At if you ever felt anything but.” Yoochun sighed.
Junsu hated admitting his weakness and it hurt Yoochun that after all these years he still wouldn’t let him see his vulnerability.
The atmosphere grew tense and Junsu tried to change the topic:
“They said they want to run a few more tests and then I can go home.”
“Good,” was all Yoochun said and once more they grew silent. There was a lot he wanted to say - to scold Junsu for not telling him he was sick, to say it was okay, that they didn’t need to push themselves so hard anymore - but most of all he just wanted to reach out and hold him tight.
Yoochun took Junsu’s smaller hand in his. It was all the physical contact he could afford at a place like this, but for now it was enough.
“You should rest today and when you feel better…”
“When I feel better?” Junsu asked with a raised eyebrow.
“We still have two days off so I was thinking maybe we could go hang around. I’d take you to Disneyland.”
“Are you asking me on a date?” Junsu smirked.
“I suppose I am.”
“Fine. But you pay then.”
The room resonated with giggle. When the last of sound faded it became quiet once again. Yoochun wondered if he was getting old. He felt so content just sitting here holding Junsu’s hand. Then Junsu’s voice broke the silence. It was so quiet Yoochun could barely hear it.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For making you worry.”
“I don’t want to hear any of that. Just… I wish you’d tell me sooner.”
Junsu turned away with a guilty look but didn’t reply. Yoochun didn’t want to push the matter. He believed that if he was patient enough one day…
“Yoochun?”
“Hmm?”
“Stay with me for awhile.” Yoochun smiled. He wanted to tease Junsu but the moment was too precious to spoil. For some time they sat in comfortable silence.
“Admit it. You just wanted to slack off, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
Their laughter was loud enough to be heard outside the room. “At least some things never change,” Jaejoong smiled around his paper cup of coffee.
Title: Letting Go
Pairings: Yoosu, past!YunJae (implied)
Rating: PG
A/N: So this is it. The third and probably the last part of the series. I know it took me forever to write this, but I felt a huge responsibility writing this part. It's such a sensitive topic so I kept adding and removing and rewriting parts.
It’s been months since they were free to do whatever they wanted or rest to their heart’s content and yet here they were, in an alien country working day and night trying to meet non-existing schedules. The producer wasn’t pushing them and all the staff was nice and cooperative, but now they were their own harshest critics. Insomnia became their patron.
Thankfully Junsu was a sound sleeper. Tonight though he couldn’t get a wink of sleep. Maybe it was because Yoochun wasn’t there to hold him. Or maybe it was just insomnia. Pouring himself a glass of water Junsu decided he would rather believe it was the latter. With that thought in mind he walked in the direction of his bedroom. It was full moon so even with the lights turned off he could easily make his way around the apartment. As he walked past the balcony something caught his eye.
Jaejoong was sitting there very still looking out in the distance. He looked like he’d been drinking and crying. He didn’t seem to notice Junsu’s presence and Junsu hesitated. He still had the chance to walk away and pretend he didn’t see anything. It’s not like he didn’t care. Of course he did. It’s just that… he wasn’t sure Jaejoong wanted him to.
This year they got much closer, but he knew they’ll never reach the level of intimacy he had with Yoochun. Even though they knew each long before debut there was still a bit of awkwardness between them. Yoochun always knew what to do at a time like this, but Junsu was never good at dealing with emotional stuff. Yoochun spent a lot of time with Jaejoong and sometimes Junsu felt a little bit left out, but he didn’t want to be needy and clingy. Sometimes he would sneak out of bed and return only at dawn smelling of alcohol, cigarettes and Jaejoong. It’s not like Junsu wasn’t slightly jealous, but he understood. If he wanted to be with Yoochun he had to accept his bond with the older man.
Besides Junsu didn’t drink or smoke and he didn’t like talking about his feelings so he was sort of out of the club. Then again he had always been a loner. He had his family and a couple of close friends and it was always enough. But Jaejoong was different. He was afraid of being alone. Whether it was eating or sleeping he needed someone to keep him company, even if it was just being there. Even though he was small when being adopted and didn’t find out until after debut it seemed that somehow unconsciously he lived with the fear of being abandoned. No matter how many million fans worshiped him or how many polls called him the most beautiful man in existence it seemed nothing could fill the void. He still needed to be reminded and reassured every day.
And now, when he lost two people who were so dear to him he seemed somehow smaller, even more insecure. There was no doubt Jaejoong was the one who hurt the most among the three of them. In all the time they lived together in the past Junsu hardly ever saw him cry. Now it happened every now and then. He smiled and showed everyone his bright side, but it was easy to see that inside he was hurting.
Junsu was at a loss. If only Yoochun was here…Yoochun always knew the right things to say or do. Right now though Yoochun had other concerns. He used this little break to meet his father whose health has gotten bad lately. “As if he didn’t have enough worries as it was,” Junsu sighed. He could just pretend he didn’t notice and go back to bed. “No, I can’t,” he thought. “What kind of friend does that?” Quietly he made his way to the balcony.
“Hyung?”
“Junsu? Did I wake you up?” The older man tried to smile, but the smile turned out weak and sad.
“No.”
There was an awkward pause and Junsu almost began to regret his decision. He had no idea where to start. Luckily he didn’t have to.
“Do you ever regret it?”
“Huh?”
“Do you ever regret our decision?”
“You mean leaving SM?” Jae nodded “No, never. We did what we had to do. The more time passes the more I’m sure. Now that I know what freedom means I don’t think I can agree to anything less.”
“I wish I had your confidence. You’re so optimistic, like nothing can bring you down. Why can’t I… I thought we were doing the right thing. I still do. It’s just that… sometimes it seems the price for this freedom is too high. Everything is so hard. They just won’t leave us alone.”
Junsu came closer and sat next to his bandmate.
“They will. Sooner or later. We just have to keep trying. Even in Korea there are still people willing to help.”
“What would we do without you?” Jaejoong smiled, this time earnestly. Next time he spoke Junsu could see he was a little hesitant.
“To be honest at first I wasn’t sure whether you will join us in this. Sorry…”
“No, it’s ok. I wasn’t sure myself. I just… knew that if I didn’t do this I would probably end up regretting it for the rest of my life. At first it didn’t really matter to me where and when to sing as long as I could sing. But this time it was different. I played safe too many times before. I didn’t want to be a coward. And then… don’t tell Yoochun, but I… I didn’t want to lose him. I couldn’t. Without me noticing he became such a big part of my life and I just couldn’t imagine moving on without him.”
“Chunnie has that quality,” Jaejoong smiled knowingly. There was a hint of pride in his words. But after a few moments he sighed.
“You’ve been with the company longer than any of us and yet you left without regret.” It was a statement rather than a question. Junsu shrugged.
“I did everything I have been told. But now I want to live my own life. I don’t owe them anything.”
“Why doesn’t Yunho think the same way?” (“So that’s where it’s going”, Junsu thought) “His stupid loyalty. Can’t he see? The company doesn’t give a shit about us. We’re just money-making marionettes.”
“I think he knows that.”
“Then why?”
“I guess he thinks that if he treats them the same way he is no better.”
“Stubborn fool. Who’s gonna take care of him now?” Jaejoong turned his face away but the wavering of his voice gave him away. “Enough of this. I won’t fall into this trap again,” his voice barely a whisper.
“Are you mad at him?" Junsu asked tentatively.
“Am I? Yes. No. I don’t know. I should have seen it coming. I tried talking to him so many times and every time he just looked at me as if I’d grown two heads - a muffled sob- I loved my job. I did. But sometimes it was really hard to enjoy. It was too much. I felt like I was choking. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember which city we were in. Each of us would end up in a hospital at least once a month. And even now we work until we pass out from exhaustion. We can’t help it. We do as we were taught to and it will be so for years to come.”
Junsu wasn’t sure whether Jaejoong was talking to him anymore or just thinking aloud. Either way he didn’t interrupt.
“I don’t blame him. He chose what he believed was right. For Yunho the most important thing is knowing he does the right thing. I always knew I’ll never make it to the top of his priorities. Some 5 years ago I would probably follow him to the end of the world. But now it’s different. Now I see that love is not everything.” He hugged his knees closer to his chest which made him look even smaller. “I still remember the look in his eyes when I told him. He felt betrayed.”
“He never said that, hyung.”
“That’s what pisses me off the most. How he’s always so composed, so rational. I wish he would just scream at me, accuse me, tell me he hates me. But he let go of me, just like that. Let go of us.”
“Maybe he just wanted to show he respected your decision,” Junsu offered.
“I just don’t know anymore, Junsu-yah. I know it was childish of me to think we could always be together,” Jaejoong said bitterly. “But I could never imagine we would fall apart so easily.”
“You miss him?” As soon as the words left his lips Junsu mentally kicked himself. “Sorry, it was a stupid question.”
“It’s alright,” Jaejoong said with a sad but warm smile. “I do miss him. A lot. Not just as a lover or even a friend. He was our leader. He always seemed to have everything under control. Sometimes when I don’t know how to get something done I want to call him. Sometimes I even begin to dial his number until I realize he changed it long ago.”
For a minute or two Jaejoong was silent, lost in his own thoughts. Then he spoke again: “Maybe one day he’ll understand me. But now… now we need to move on.”
“That’s right. Now you’re our leader.”
“What? No!” Jaejoong looked so scandalized Junsu almost laughed out loud but he knew it really wasn’t the right time “Of course not.” Jaejoong continued “Didn’t we agree we’re not going to have one? What kind of leader am I? I’m clumsy and I tend to space out and I blurt out things that get us in trouble.”
“Maybe,” Junsu shrugged “But you’re also caring and responsible and hardworking. I trust you.”
“Thank you, Junsu-yah. It means a lot to me.” That beautiful smile was back and Junsu felt pride for being the one to cause it. Once again they fell silent except this time it wasn’t awkward.
“I’m sorry I keep stealing Yoochun.” The statement left Junsu dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about? Junsu suddenly felt uncomfortable - It’s not like I…”
“No. I feel bad for being such a burden. You need to spend more time together. You should have your own space. You’re good for him. You always make him smile.
“No! We fight every now and then and I hurt him too,” Junsu protested, voice laced with guilt.
“I know. Everyone fights sometimes, Junsu-yah. What matters is that every time after it happens you feel bad and you swallow your pride and you go and make up,” grinning, he added “and act disgustingly sweet for the next few days.”
Before Junsu could protest Jaejoong stood up and said: “We should go to bed. There’s a lot of work tomorrow. We have to show them what we’re made of.” His eyes twinkled with mischief.
But when Junsu was about to leave a gentle voice stopped him:
“Junsu?”
“Huh?”
“Please don’t tell Yoochunnie. I don’t want him to worry. I’ll be ok. I promise.”
“I won’t.”
“And Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you. I’m really glad to have you with us.”
“Me too.”
“You know I love you, right?” Jaejoong hugged him tightly but while he was pondering what to say the arms around him were gone and one brilliant smile later Jaejoong was gone too.
Junsu went back to bed and this time he fell asleep like a baby with a smile on his lips.
Title: Holding On
Pairings: ChunJae (bff!), Yoosu (implied)
Rating: PG
Late at night the hospital room was silent safe for the sound of steady breathing. Yoochun sat still watching the boy in bed who was peacefully sleeping. He looked tired and his face was strained with worry and regret. “I should have noticed sooner…” He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t even notice someone enter.
“Hey.” Jaejoong put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly.
“Hey,” Yoochun answered looking up at him.
“How’s he doing?”
“The temperature’s fallen and they gave him some sedatives so he should sleep for awhile.”
“You should too.” Yoochun looked up about to protest, but Jae spoke before he uttered a sound:
“Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true.” Then, in a softer voice he continued:
“Look, Junsu’s here because he tried too hard and didn’t let himself rest. That’s exactly what you’re doing right now. Do you want to take his place? I know you want to be there when he wakes up, but he’s a big boy. He sure won’t be pleased when he finds out you’re wearing yourself out because of him.”
Yoochun sighed and for a few moments continued sitting there. Then, quietly he stood up and left the room.
“We all need rest. Come on, we’ll see him first thing in the morning,” Jaejoong assured as they continued walking towards the exit. They walked in silence for awhile. Then, Jaejoong spoke again:
“When I first met Junsu he was so independent. We were on good terms, but I wouldn’t say close. It seemed like he didn’t really need anyone.” Jae paused and smiled to himself. “Until he met you. He still doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs you a lot. He still tries to look tough, but around you he’s taking his guard down.”
They reached the car. Outside it was chilly and still dark. In the early morning the streets were deserted. But instead of getting into the car Jaejoong paused and turned to look at Yoochun. “I know I’m selfish, but I need you too, you know.”
“Jae…”
“I’m so grateful I met you. I don’t think I could make it without you.” For Jaejoong such moments of insecurity were rare. The older man always tried to hide his weakness. Though people often praised his beauty in a way it was also a burden and he put a lot of effort to reaffirm his masculinity. Yoochun felt honoured that he was one of the few who got to see his fragile side. Then he felt arms around his neck and a warm body pressing against his. There were no more words said. Yoochun just continued to hold him tightly and whispering into his ear:
“It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.”
Title: Giving In
Pairings: Yoosu
Rating: PG
Summary: Yoochun visits Junsu in the hospital.
“Hey, babe,” Yoochun said entering the hospital room. It was nearly noon and the sun shone brightly through the curtains. Yoochun sat on the chair next to the bed.
“Hey yourself.” Replied Junsu. He looked like he woke up just minutes ago, skin pale and eyes unfocused. He didn’t exactly look pretty, but Yoochun treasured times like this. It was one of those rare chances of seeing Junsu without his guards up. That and the fact that he found sleep-muffled Junsu extremely cute. He didn’t say it though. Instead he said:
“You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah? Well go look at yourself.” The familiar teasing made them feel at ease and brought a smile to their faces. After a moment though Yoochun grew serious:
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
“Right. At if you ever felt anything but.” Yoochun sighed.
Junsu hated admitting his weakness and it hurt Yoochun that after all these years he still wouldn’t let him see his vulnerability.
The atmosphere grew tense and Junsu tried to change the topic:
“They said they want to run a few more tests and then I can go home.”
“Good,” was all Yoochun said and once more they grew silent. There was a lot he wanted to say - to scold Junsu for not telling him he was sick, to say it was okay, that they didn’t need to push themselves so hard anymore - but most of all he just wanted to reach out and hold him tight.
Yoochun took Junsu’s smaller hand in his. It was all the physical contact he could afford at a place like this, but for now it was enough.
“You should rest today and when you feel better…”
“When I feel better?” Junsu asked with a raised eyebrow.
“We still have two days off so I was thinking maybe we could go hang around. I’d take you to Disneyland.”
“Are you asking me on a date?” Junsu smirked.
“I suppose I am.”
“Fine. But you pay then.”
The room resonated with giggle. When the last of sound faded it became quiet once again. Yoochun wondered if he was getting old. He felt so content just sitting here holding Junsu’s hand. Then Junsu’s voice broke the silence. It was so quiet Yoochun could barely hear it.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For making you worry.”
“I don’t want to hear any of that. Just… I wish you’d tell me sooner.”
Junsu turned away with a guilty look but didn’t reply. Yoochun didn’t want to push the matter. He believed that if he was patient enough one day…
“Yoochun?”
“Hmm?”
“Stay with me for awhile.” Yoochun smiled. He wanted to tease Junsu but the moment was too precious to spoil. For some time they sat in comfortable silence.
“Admit it. You just wanted to slack off, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
Their laughter was loud enough to be heard outside the room. “At least some things never change,” Jaejoong smiled around his paper cup of coffee.
Title: Letting Go
Pairings: Yoosu, past!YunJae (implied)
Rating: PG
A/N: So this is it. The third and probably the last part of the series. I know it took me forever to write this, but I felt a huge responsibility writing this part. It's such a sensitive topic so I kept adding and removing and rewriting parts.
It’s been months since they were free to do whatever they wanted or rest to their heart’s content and yet here they were, in an alien country working day and night trying to meet non-existing schedules. The producer wasn’t pushing them and all the staff was nice and cooperative, but now they were their own harshest critics. Insomnia became their patron.
Thankfully Junsu was a sound sleeper. Tonight though he couldn’t get a wink of sleep. Maybe it was because Yoochun wasn’t there to hold him. Or maybe it was just insomnia. Pouring himself a glass of water Junsu decided he would rather believe it was the latter. With that thought in mind he walked in the direction of his bedroom. It was full moon so even with the lights turned off he could easily make his way around the apartment. As he walked past the balcony something caught his eye.
Jaejoong was sitting there very still looking out in the distance. He looked like he’d been drinking and crying. He didn’t seem to notice Junsu’s presence and Junsu hesitated. He still had the chance to walk away and pretend he didn’t see anything. It’s not like he didn’t care. Of course he did. It’s just that… he wasn’t sure Jaejoong wanted him to.
This year they got much closer, but he knew they’ll never reach the level of intimacy he had with Yoochun. Even though they knew each long before debut there was still a bit of awkwardness between them. Yoochun always knew what to do at a time like this, but Junsu was never good at dealing with emotional stuff. Yoochun spent a lot of time with Jaejoong and sometimes Junsu felt a little bit left out, but he didn’t want to be needy and clingy. Sometimes he would sneak out of bed and return only at dawn smelling of alcohol, cigarettes and Jaejoong. It’s not like Junsu wasn’t slightly jealous, but he understood. If he wanted to be with Yoochun he had to accept his bond with the older man.
Besides Junsu didn’t drink or smoke and he didn’t like talking about his feelings so he was sort of out of the club. Then again he had always been a loner. He had his family and a couple of close friends and it was always enough. But Jaejoong was different. He was afraid of being alone. Whether it was eating or sleeping he needed someone to keep him company, even if it was just being there. Even though he was small when being adopted and didn’t find out until after debut it seemed that somehow unconsciously he lived with the fear of being abandoned. No matter how many million fans worshiped him or how many polls called him the most beautiful man in existence it seemed nothing could fill the void. He still needed to be reminded and reassured every day.
And now, when he lost two people who were so dear to him he seemed somehow smaller, even more insecure. There was no doubt Jaejoong was the one who hurt the most among the three of them. In all the time they lived together in the past Junsu hardly ever saw him cry. Now it happened every now and then. He smiled and showed everyone his bright side, but it was easy to see that inside he was hurting.
Junsu was at a loss. If only Yoochun was here…Yoochun always knew the right things to say or do. Right now though Yoochun had other concerns. He used this little break to meet his father whose health has gotten bad lately. “As if he didn’t have enough worries as it was,” Junsu sighed. He could just pretend he didn’t notice and go back to bed. “No, I can’t,” he thought. “What kind of friend does that?” Quietly he made his way to the balcony.
“Hyung?”
“Junsu? Did I wake you up?” The older man tried to smile, but the smile turned out weak and sad.
“No.”
There was an awkward pause and Junsu almost began to regret his decision. He had no idea where to start. Luckily he didn’t have to.
“Do you ever regret it?”
“Huh?”
“Do you ever regret our decision?”
“You mean leaving SM?” Jae nodded “No, never. We did what we had to do. The more time passes the more I’m sure. Now that I know what freedom means I don’t think I can agree to anything less.”
“I wish I had your confidence. You’re so optimistic, like nothing can bring you down. Why can’t I… I thought we were doing the right thing. I still do. It’s just that… sometimes it seems the price for this freedom is too high. Everything is so hard. They just won’t leave us alone.”
Junsu came closer and sat next to his bandmate.
“They will. Sooner or later. We just have to keep trying. Even in Korea there are still people willing to help.”
“What would we do without you?” Jaejoong smiled, this time earnestly. Next time he spoke Junsu could see he was a little hesitant.
“To be honest at first I wasn’t sure whether you will join us in this. Sorry…”
“No, it’s ok. I wasn’t sure myself. I just… knew that if I didn’t do this I would probably end up regretting it for the rest of my life. At first it didn’t really matter to me where and when to sing as long as I could sing. But this time it was different. I played safe too many times before. I didn’t want to be a coward. And then… don’t tell Yoochun, but I… I didn’t want to lose him. I couldn’t. Without me noticing he became such a big part of my life and I just couldn’t imagine moving on without him.”
“Chunnie has that quality,” Jaejoong smiled knowingly. There was a hint of pride in his words. But after a few moments he sighed.
“You’ve been with the company longer than any of us and yet you left without regret.” It was a statement rather than a question. Junsu shrugged.
“I did everything I have been told. But now I want to live my own life. I don’t owe them anything.”
“Why doesn’t Yunho think the same way?” (“So that’s where it’s going”, Junsu thought) “His stupid loyalty. Can’t he see? The company doesn’t give a shit about us. We’re just money-making marionettes.”
“I think he knows that.”
“Then why?”
“I guess he thinks that if he treats them the same way he is no better.”
“Stubborn fool. Who’s gonna take care of him now?” Jaejoong turned his face away but the wavering of his voice gave him away. “Enough of this. I won’t fall into this trap again,” his voice barely a whisper.
“Are you mad at him?" Junsu asked tentatively.
“Am I? Yes. No. I don’t know. I should have seen it coming. I tried talking to him so many times and every time he just looked at me as if I’d grown two heads - a muffled sob- I loved my job. I did. But sometimes it was really hard to enjoy. It was too much. I felt like I was choking. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember which city we were in. Each of us would end up in a hospital at least once a month. And even now we work until we pass out from exhaustion. We can’t help it. We do as we were taught to and it will be so for years to come.”
Junsu wasn’t sure whether Jaejoong was talking to him anymore or just thinking aloud. Either way he didn’t interrupt.
“I don’t blame him. He chose what he believed was right. For Yunho the most important thing is knowing he does the right thing. I always knew I’ll never make it to the top of his priorities. Some 5 years ago I would probably follow him to the end of the world. But now it’s different. Now I see that love is not everything.” He hugged his knees closer to his chest which made him look even smaller. “I still remember the look in his eyes when I told him. He felt betrayed.”
“He never said that, hyung.”
“That’s what pisses me off the most. How he’s always so composed, so rational. I wish he would just scream at me, accuse me, tell me he hates me. But he let go of me, just like that. Let go of us.”
“Maybe he just wanted to show he respected your decision,” Junsu offered.
“I just don’t know anymore, Junsu-yah. I know it was childish of me to think we could always be together,” Jaejoong said bitterly. “But I could never imagine we would fall apart so easily.”
“You miss him?” As soon as the words left his lips Junsu mentally kicked himself. “Sorry, it was a stupid question.”
“It’s alright,” Jaejoong said with a sad but warm smile. “I do miss him. A lot. Not just as a lover or even a friend. He was our leader. He always seemed to have everything under control. Sometimes when I don’t know how to get something done I want to call him. Sometimes I even begin to dial his number until I realize he changed it long ago.”
For a minute or two Jaejoong was silent, lost in his own thoughts. Then he spoke again: “Maybe one day he’ll understand me. But now… now we need to move on.”
“That’s right. Now you’re our leader.”
“What? No!” Jaejoong looked so scandalized Junsu almost laughed out loud but he knew it really wasn’t the right time “Of course not.” Jaejoong continued “Didn’t we agree we’re not going to have one? What kind of leader am I? I’m clumsy and I tend to space out and I blurt out things that get us in trouble.”
“Maybe,” Junsu shrugged “But you’re also caring and responsible and hardworking. I trust you.”
“Thank you, Junsu-yah. It means a lot to me.” That beautiful smile was back and Junsu felt pride for being the one to cause it. Once again they fell silent except this time it wasn’t awkward.
“I’m sorry I keep stealing Yoochun.” The statement left Junsu dumbfounded.
“What are you talking about? Junsu suddenly felt uncomfortable - It’s not like I…”
“No. I feel bad for being such a burden. You need to spend more time together. You should have your own space. You’re good for him. You always make him smile.
“No! We fight every now and then and I hurt him too,” Junsu protested, voice laced with guilt.
“I know. Everyone fights sometimes, Junsu-yah. What matters is that every time after it happens you feel bad and you swallow your pride and you go and make up,” grinning, he added “and act disgustingly sweet for the next few days.”
Before Junsu could protest Jaejoong stood up and said: “We should go to bed. There’s a lot of work tomorrow. We have to show them what we’re made of.” His eyes twinkled with mischief.
But when Junsu was about to leave a gentle voice stopped him:
“Junsu?”
“Huh?”
“Please don’t tell Yoochunnie. I don’t want him to worry. I’ll be ok. I promise.”
“I won’t.”
“And Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you. I’m really glad to have you with us.”
“Me too.”
“You know I love you, right?” Jaejoong hugged him tightly but while he was pondering what to say the arms around him were gone and one brilliant smile later Jaejoong was gone too.
Junsu went back to bed and this time he fell asleep like a baby with a smile on his lips.