Identity
Title: Identity
Pairings: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: NC-17
A/N: This is the 3rd and presumably the last part of the series "Wants and Needs". Dedicated to my friend, P.S.
It took a while for Shige to accept he was in love. Not infatuated, not simply lusting but really, deeply hopelessly in love. It wasn’t during one of their dates, nor was it during lovemaking. It came to him one evening as they were watching TV at Tegoshi’s place. Some random comedy show was on Tegoshi was sprawled across the couch, his feet in Shige’s lap.
“Stop it!” Shige frowned half-heartedly “Your feet are like icicles!”
“That’s why you have to warm them up.”
“Put some socks on!”
“No, it’s your job!” Tegoshi protested stubbornly.
“Oh, yeah? Ok then,” Shige replied taking said feet and massaging them lightly.
“Ah, that’s nice. Wait, no, that tickles! Stop it! Shige!” Tegoshi shrieked trying to squirm away.
When Shige did stop they both were breathless from laughing, their faces inches apart. Suddenly Shige realized he’s never been so comfortable with anyone in his entire life and the thought scared him.
Two minutes later they were sprawled on the couch comfortably and Tegoshi’s limbs were wrapped around him. Shige felt a surge of joy as the man sighed into his mouth. He found early on the man was a clinger but he didn’t mind it at all. Tegoshi was often impatient but Shige liked the slow deep kisses as much as he liked the sex. He savoured them, exploring the wet warm cavern of the man’s mouth. Tegoshi’s hair was blond again, but a darker shade than before. It looked really good on him. It might have been just Shige’s imagination, but it seemed like after he dyed it, some of his cockiness returned.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just… You’re really beautiful,” Shige said suddenly feeling embarrassed. “You’ve probably heard it a thousand times already. Doesn’t matter.”
“It matters when you say it,” the blond replied making Shige’s flutter once again.
“I’m sorry but I have to go”.
“You wouldn’t leave me here like this, would you? That would be so cruel,” Tegoshi pouted.
“I have to get up early,” Shige said proceeding to place a series of soft kisses down his neck.
“But it’s so late and so cold outside and here it’s nice and warm,” Tegoshi argued. His limbs were still wrapped around Shige tightly and he clearly had no intention to let go.
“You are so… convincing. Well, I suppose I could head home early in the morning and change.”
“Good,” Tegoshi smiled triumphantly pulling Shige in for another kiss.
Shige liked the morning routine. He never had roommates and was used to living alone so this was new and exciting for him. He thought it would be awkward having your lover see you sleepy and unrefined but somehow it wasn’t the case at all. He liked the process of preparing for the day together: washing his face while Tegoshi took a shower, making coffee while the man got dressed, having breakfast together, fixing each other’s hair and stealing kisses in between. Shige really wanted to do it every day, not once a week as it has been lately.
“Listen,” Shige started as they were eating their breakfast.
“Mm?” Tegoshi replied while stuffing himself with the omelette Shige made.
“I was thinking… We have been so busy lately and our apartments aren’t that close so... What do you think about moving in with me?”
The man froze for a moment, a deer in the headlights.
“Uh… I don’t know. This is…”
“I know it’s a big decision so you don’t have to reply right now. Just think about it.”
“Sure,” the blond replied but he looked tense so Shige changed the topic.
“Call me,” Tegoshi said in a low voice holding on to the lapel of his blazer as they stood in the doorway.
“Of course,” Shige replied with a smile. Before he could say goodbye though, he was pulled down and captured in a firm kiss that left him feeling tipsy. It was only when he finally turned around to leave, that he saw a woman watching them.
“Mother…” Shige heard Tegoshi utter. The young man’s face that was so playful just a few seconds ago was now stern.
“I’ll come another time,” said the woman and was about to turn around but was stopped by Tegoshi’s voice.
“No. It’s fine. Please come in.” Then, turning back to Shige “You probably need to go so…”
“No, I can stay for a while. If you don’t mind, that is.”
Tegoshi nodded with a small smile.
“Mum, this is…”
“I’m Kato Shigeaki, nice to meet you,” Shige said bowing down.
“He is… my boyfriend. Uh, Shige, this is my mother.”
As soon as the awkward introduction was over, Mrs. Tegoshi went straight to the small kitchen and retrieved some plastic containers with food out of her bag.
“I should have called. I’ll just leave these and be on my way,” she said looking apologetic.
“Do you want some tea?” the blond man asked.
“No, it’s fine. I have a lot of things to do today. Sorry for interrupting.”
With that the woman turned to Shige bowing politely and left.
“Is it always like this?” Shige asked as Tegoshi was putting the food away.
“With my mum? Yes. It’s not like we were very close before and now it’s even harder. She doesn’t know how to deal with me but I don’t blame her. She’s doing her best.”
“These things take time,” Shige said.
Tegoshi just nodded before looking up to see Shige grin.
“What?”
“Nothing. You said ‘my boyfriend’. It’s the first time I heard it and it made me kind of happy.”
“Well, it’s the first time I ever said it,” Tegoshi replied without meeting Shige’s eyes.
It was strange, knowing his sexual advances had a 100% success rate, Shige thought looking at his lover pouring himself a glass of water in the kitchen. With girls it was always confusing. He couldn’t help but worry about misinterpreting the signals and often wondered if they really wanted it less than he did or they were just conditioned to act that way. Tegoshi didn’t seem to know that confusion. He was used to having sex whenever he wanted and Shige could barely keep up with his appetite. Not that he minded. It was like a feast after years of dieting.
“Shige…” Tegoshi sighed as said man wrapped his arms around him from behind. Shige kissed his neck and stroked his stomach gently feeling Tegoshi’s breath quicken. It wasn’t hard to turn him on and Shige enjoyed this newfound power.
“Do you think I’m a good lover?” Shige asked as they lay in bed catching their breath. “I mean I know I don’t have much experience but I just…” This was even harder than he’d imagined and he knew his face was burning. “Nevermind, just forget I said anything.”
“You want to know how you compare?” Tegoshi asked looking somewhat amused.
Shige nodded slowly.
“You don’t. Shige, what I have with you is nothing like what I had before,” Tegoshi said turning to lie on his side. “Lust is simple. It’s like an itch that needs to be scratched. This is… different. I want you and no matter how many times we have sex, I want more.”
Shige bit his lip trying to hide the joy at hearing these words.
“Seriously though… You’ve gotten so good I might start to think you took lessons on the side,” Tegoshi teased.
“I, uh… I have watched some videos,” Shige admitted without meeting his eyes.
“You’re so cute,” Tegoshi laughed and Shige felt his face burning again. “Sorry. I think it’s amazing you did that for me. But if you really want to know what to work on…”
Shige nodded.
“You always do it like you want to impress me. I never thought I’d say this to a guy but… Try to be more selfish.”
Since Shige made it clear he was ready to be public about their relationship, Tegoshi got much bolder. He enjoyed making Shige squirm with a sneaky hand on his thigh in a café or subtly brushing his ass against his front while smiling sweetly at the cashier.
“Don’t, Someone might see,” Shige said quietly brushing the blond’s hand away. The diner was nearly deserted but one of the waiters was glancing their way from time to time.
“You’re too concerned, they just think we’re best buddies,” Tegoshi grinned but put his hand away.
“That’s what bothers me. I just want to have a cup of coffee without having to worry what people do or do not think. With you it’s so easy to get carried away but every now and then someone would give us odd looks and I remember that we’re not normal, not to them.” Shige sighed.
They finished their coffee in silence.
There wasn’t just one coming out, Shige learned. It was a process stretched into many stages. If you wanted to be out, you had to come out to each of your circles - family, friends, colleagues.
Shige’s friends took it better than he could expect. There were some eyebrows raised but few questions asked. Still, he was nervous when he was invited to an old friend’s party and was told he could ‘bring a date’. It wouldn’t be their first party together, but this one was different, a lot of his good friends would be there and he wanted them to know. He didn’t even particularly want to go but he felt like he had to do this to seal their relationship. Also, he knew Tegoshi wanted it.
As he stepped inside the house, he didn’t really know what to expect but they were greeted warmly and it only took a minute for Tegoshi to start socializing. Which was obscene considering he didn’t know anyone there. Shige had less luck. Two girls he know from college came up to him with conspirational smiles.
“You two make such a cute couple!” one of the girls exclaimed loudly.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were gay?” the other said.
“Uh… I’m not gay.”
“Oh, that’s ok. I’m cool with it,” the first girl winked at him.
“Absolutely!” the other one agreed.
They looked at him as if he’d suddenly become someone completely different, some adorable character, sweet and harmless.
Finally escaping from the girls, Shige found the blond sitting in an armchair surrounded by several guys. He couldn't hear what they were talking about but it looked like it was something really funny because Tegoshi was giggling covering his mouth with his palm. The blond wore knee-length shorts and a long sweater. He had his legs up in the chair which made him look even smaller than he already was. The men next to him couldn’t seem to take their eyes off him.
Shige long since noticed that Tegoshi had the same effect on straight men as pretty girls did. There was an undeniable femininity in him and Shige reckoned that was partly what attracted him to Tegoshi in the first place. He couldn’t deny he had a thing for the man’s dainty hands and feet and it felt good wrapping his arms around his smaller frame. But there were also stubbornness and recklessness in him that were clearly male and it was this whole package that he came to love.
Looking back to Tegoshi and his new admirers could help but feel a ting of jealousy. The blond clearly enjoyed the attention, laughing and flirting like he did it for a living.
“I need a drink,” Shige said to himself approaching the table while simultaneously calculating escape routes.
“So how was it?” Tegoshi asked taking off his coat.
“It was… weird. I thought people would be freaking out, but instead they became oddly polite and self-conscious. Some of the guys looked at me with apprehension. As if they were afraid I would jump them, even though I came with you.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Tegoshi smiled mysteriously.
Shige was used to being in control but now he was learning to give some of it up, to be led and taught. One time he even mustered the courage and asked if Tegoshi wanted to top. He didn’t really want to switch but he felt it was only fair. However, the man just laughed in reply.
“Baby, if I wanted to, I would let you know by now,” he said with a cheeky smile but seeing Shige’s face turn red he bit his lip. “I’m sorry. It was sweet of you to ask. It takes a real man. You deserve a prize.”
There was something devious about the man as he slid down on the floor and slowly settled between Shige legs. His smirk sent shivers down Shige’s spine and he held his breath in anticipation. As Tegoshi unzipped his pants, he looked like a cat who found his favourite treat.
Shige struggled to keep his eyes open, the sight of his lover working wonders between his legs was driving him mad in the best way possible. He wished he was half as good to return the pleasure but that only came with practice. However, there was one thing he wanted to try.
“This is so embarrassing,” Tegoshi said. The blond’s laugh was like a wind chime, a magic spell that filled Shige’s heart with joy.
“Hey, look at me,” Shige said taking the blond’s face in his hands gently. Tegoshi was sitting in his lap facing him. It was around noon and the light was filling the room and illuminating the large bed the two men were on. Both of them were naked.
As Tegoshi finally looked up at him with his luminous brown eyes, Shige felt his breath stolen for a moment. It was unfamiliar to him too, such intimacy. With no darkness, no sheets and no passion to cloud their view, just two people bare as the day they were born.
Shige leaned in for a gentle kiss, slow and sensual. When they parted a few minutes later, Tegoshi’s eyes were sparkling and a small smile graced his lips. They kissed again, just a little bit faster, and Shige’s hands began their careful exploration. Sitting like that Shige could touch every part of the man’s body.
He moved his lips to the man’s ear and neck, eliciting a soft sigh. The blond’s hands went up to rake through his hair, sliding over his shoulders and chest slowly while he caressed the blonde’s thighs. After a few minutes, their lips found each other again.
“It’s good but… I don’t know if I can take much longer,” Tegoshi whispered softly.
Shige nodded moving his hand down to envelop the man’s hardened member. Tegoshi held on to his shoulders moaning softly into his ear.
“Shige…” He looked so pretty with his cheeks flushed and biting his lips.
“Good?”
“Yeah. But I still want you in me.”
This time it was the blond who took the initiative and Shige could only welcome it. He kissed Shige long and hard wrapping both arms around his neck before wrapping his hand around Shige’s member and staring to sink on it.
“A perfect fit,” Tegoshi said when Shige was in all the way. Shige groaned as his lover moved his hips in circular motions, grinding. That seemed to give him confidence as he put his hands firmly on Shige’s shoulders and began to move, Shige holding on to the blond’s hips to build a slow steady rhythm. The position wouldn’t let them go much faster but it was very intimate and let them concentrate on every touch as well as seeing each other’s face lost in pleasure. Tegoshi’s eyes were closed now and his mouth slightly open and Shige could feel every hot breath, every gasp. He couldn’t help but pull his lover closer to capture his lips in kiss.
Tegoshi’s strong hips went up and down while his cock was trapped between their bodies, the head already glistening. Shige wanted it to last for hours but feeling the tightness of the blond’s body around him and seeing his face made him jerk his hips up faster and faster. Tegoshi wasn’t the patient kind either, spurring him on and meeting his every thrust.
“Shige…”
Hearing his lover’s plea, Shige wrapped his hand around his cock and squeezed just slightly knowing that would be enough to send him over the edge. Tegoshi shuddered throwing his head back and clasping Shige’s shoulders like he was drowning. Shige hurried to join him, thrusting up desperately, his heart threatening to break free of his rib cage.
When both of them were finally spent, they took time to catch their breath, foreheads pressed together, sweat dripping from their bangs.
“That was good. But I think we need more data to make fair judgment,” Tegoshi said.
“You have a point,” Shige replied leaning in for a kiss.
For the first few months they were dating Tegoshi didn’t really go out much and seemed to avoid the clubs altogether. But now he was somewhat getting back to his earlier lifestyle. Shige encouraged it, he really wanted to be supportive and give Tegoshi the space he knew the man needed but at the same time they weren’t spending as much time together.
Shige also realized just how much their tastes differed. It’s not like he didn’t know before but somehow he was convinced it wouldn’t matter. However, he seemed to have underestimated how much music, books and movies meant to him. Tegoshi was smart but not book smart. He was academically good but only because he liked to be successful. He mostly read books that helped him develop practical skills. He didn’t like classical music, couldn’t care less about theatre and mostly went to see blockbuster movies.
“Hey, do you have time tonight?” Shige asked over the phone.
“What do you have in mind?”
“I wanted to go see the movie I told you about. “
“Oh… Actually, I was going to go clubbing tonight with some friends.”
“I see. Well, that’s totally fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.”
This was the third time Tegoshi had turned him down that week. Well, second if you didn’t count that one time he declined Shige’s offer to go see a play but later came over to his place and they had amazing sex. Which was great, of course, but Tegoshi left right after saying he had to be up early the next day.
“Now look who’s here. The noble knight.”
Shige recognized the voice even before he turned around. He should have known it was a bad idea going out alone at this hour. All he wanted was to have a drink quietly but now it was clear that wasn’t going to happen.
“What do you want?”
“Money and sex mostly,” Yukio answered without missing a beat. His breath reeked of alcohol.
“Well, you’ll get neither from me.” Shige really didn’t want to talk but the man clearly enjoyed messing with him.
“No need to be so rude.”
“Just because you used to fuck my boyfriend doesn’t mean I have to talk to you,” Shige said quickly downing the rest of his drink.
“Oh, but it was more than just fucking,” Yukio said and Shige realized the man would turn a conversation his way no matter what he replied.“ He came to me so young and pure. I taught him everything. How to derive pleasure from his own body and how to give it to others. How to use his looks to get what he wants…”
“Taking someone’s innocence sure is something to be proud of.”
“Innocence?” Yukio laughed out loud. “He was never innocent. You wouldn’t understand anyway, straight boy. If I hadn’t taken him in, somebody else would have.”
“You’re practically a charity,” Shige said dryly.
“He never complained.” Yukio let a stream of smoke flow down from his mouth. “Do you even know he likes it rough?”
“Maybe that’s because he never had a chance to do it any other way,” Shige retorted as he stood up. He’s had enough of this nonsense. He wasn’t having a great day as if was.
“Have fun. Just don't get any illusions. He's not yours to keep. He needs to be free.”
Shige was about to walk away, but as he took one last look at the man, something made him linger.
“Don’t treat him like a girl. Don’t be too soft on him. You gotta listen to what he says, take him seriously.”
The man’s cocky smirk faded into a sad smile and as he continued talking, he seemed to look past Shige, as if he were addressing someone else.
“And… let ‘im know how you feel ‘bout ‘im.”
Walking the neon-lit streets home Shige couldn’t stop thinking that he wasn’t the only one hopelessly in love. He never told Tegoshi about the encounter.
Tegoshi didn’t like to talk about his past or anything serious, really, but there was that rare time after sex and before falling asleep when the man seemed relaxed enough that he didn’t mind it so Shige always tried to make the most of it.
“Did you ever see that senpai after graduating? The one you had a crush on?”
“Sometimes I feel like you want to get inside my head more than you want to get inside my pants,” Tegoshi said in a sleepy voice. He was silent for a while so Shige concluded he would not get an answer but after a minute the man spoke.
“Yes, once,” Tegoshi said looking at the ceiling. “You know, I fantasized about it for years. I was plotting my revenge. I imagined meeting him one day, telling him he’s a goddamn jerk, making him sorry.” Tegoshi shifted, his body a little tense. “He would tell me I looked good and I would smile and tell him to go fuck himself, but… When I met him it wasn’t like that at all. He was with a girl and he looked so calm and confident. He talked to me as if we were old friends. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. God, I hated myself that day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s all in the past now,” the man said tucking himself under his chin.
“No wonder so many people quit after just a few visits,” Shige muttered under his breath looking around the gym. All around him there were people hard at work - on the treadmills, pumping iron or doing cardio. Everyone seemed so busy with their current task, switching from one machine to another with practiced ease. And then there was Shige, dazed and confused and full of doubts. It felt like everyone was judging him, mocking him silently. He knew it probably wasn’t true, because honestly nobody cared. And yet, there was an anxiety, a fear that told him to just turn around and go back.
He wasn’t even sure why he came here in the first place. No, that was untrue. Of course he knew. He wanted to get more fit, to improve his strength and stamina and maybe be less embarrassed of his own body. He wanted to be a better man for Tegoshi. He wanted to prove himself that he could do this if he put his mind to it. Shige took a deep breath silencing all the anxious thoughts and went towards the mats to start with the warm-up.
Shige stopped before entering the small restaurant and took a deep breath. The man he was about to meet has been out for a long time but they haven’t really talked since he switched teams, so to say. “It’s gonna be fine,” he assured himself grabbing the door handle with more force than necessary.
The evening started with light drinks and light talk, movies and books, but as glasses kept getting empty, the conversation moved into a more personal area.
“I’ve seen him. He’s damn pretty. Good job!”
Shige snorted. Tegoshi wasn’t “pretty”. He was beautiful. Not that they’d understand.
“But, you know… He probably had more partners than the number of people you ever talked to,” the man smirked.
“I don't care.” Shige knew he was getting too defensive but he couldn’t help it.
“I was just joking. I mean fidelity is a myth anyway. The sooner you accept it, the better. You’re just in your twenties,” the man said patronizingly. “Besides, you will probably get back to dating girls anyway.”
“Excuse me?”
“Look, you might think this is serious but maybe it would be better not to endorse your grand coming out too much? You can’t undo it. Do you really want to be known as ‘that gay guy’?”
“I’m not gay, I’m…” Shige stumbled.
“See? You don’t even know. Maybe it’s better to figure it out before turning your life upside down.”
“I’m not going to lie.”
“I’m not saying you should. Just choose your battles.”
“I appreciate your opinion. But I will make my own decisions about my life.”
“Of course. It’s your business,” the man said raising his palms defensively. “Just think about it, man. Maybe in a year you’ll still be together. But what about 3 years? 5 years?”
“I’m gonna take a shower. Wanna join me?” Tegoshi asked leaning on the doorframe.
“No, thanks. I need to finish something.”
Tegoshi lingered in the doorway for a few more moments before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Shige closed his eyes and sighed.
By day Nichoume looked just like any other Tokyo district. Looking at the empty street, Shige found it hard to imagine what kind of secret life was happening behind the doors of small clubs scattered around the area. It didn’t take long for him to reach his destination. It was a small corner building that looked like a regular cafe. The only thing that set it apart was a big six colour flag fluttering in the wind.
Shige stopped a few meters away from the door. He was ready before but now somehow it all felt too real. Taking a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart, Shige opened the door and stepped inside. The interior was cozy with a small counter, several tables and a comfy couch in the corner. It looked like a normal café. Not that it wasn’t, Shige told himself. There were only a few visitors, some of them looked his way when he entered but in a few moments they all went to back to their business. Shige took a chair and sat at one of the tables.
“Mind if I join?” The man who asked looked like he was in his 40’s. He was dressed neatly and something about him was very comforting.
“Not at all,” Shige replied and smiled politely.
“It appears to me you’re new here. I am the owner of this place, Satoru Uchimura.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Kato Shigeaki.”
“Welcome to Colorful Café. Please make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them. If not, I will not bother you further.”
“I… This is probably a stupid question but this café, it’s for gay people, right?”
“Well, I made it as a place for LGBT people but anyone can come.”
“I’m just not sure I belong here.”
“If you’re here, you belong here,” Uchimura smiled at him warmly “I wanted to make a place where people are not judged for who they are.”
“I am dating a man right now. But I’ve never been attracted to men before.”
“It’s ok to be unsure. Humans are very complicated. You don’t have to put a label on yourself.”
“Thank you.”
“When I was your age things were much harder. I was scared and confused and angry. I made many stupid mistakes. It took a lot of time to get where I am. Now I want to help other people understand themselves better. Even if just by a little bit.”
Shige walked out of the café with a smile. He knew he’d be coming back one day. That day might not be soon, but it will come.
“Mrs. Tegoshi…”
As Shige came closer, the woman stood up and smiled a little.
“Is something wrong?” Shige felt a wave of anxiety wash over him.
“No,” the woman shook her head. The gesture looked so familiar it was a bit surreal. “Actually, I came to talk to you.”
Shige let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding but at the same time felt a different kind of nervousness. He came over to sit on the bench next to the woman. She sat quietly for a minute or so seemingly choosing the right words but then she looked up at Shige and began to talk quickly.
“Please, take care of Yuya. I know he always tries to be tough and act like he doesn’t need anyone, but that’s just a front. He was hurting a lot. But he never showed it, never talked about it.” The woman took a deep breath trying to control her emotions. “He’s so stubborn. Just like his father.” She looked down and fell silent for a moment. “When I saw him with you that day… he looked so happy. I can’t remember seeing him so happy ever since he was a little boy.”
“I will take care of him. I promise,” Shige assured her.
“And please don’t tell him I came.”
Having said that, the woman stood up, bowed down deeply and left.
The call came at around 11 PM.
“Hey. Can I come over now?”
“Uh. Sure but… you know, I’m really tired today so...”
“It’s… not about that. I just need to see you.”
“Of course you can come.” Shige kicked himself mentally as he put the phone down.
When Shige opened the door, he saw Tegoshi was carrying a big sports bag. He did not immediately comment on it though lest he said something stupid again. Maybe the man had a practice the next day. However, Tegoshi did not speak even as he made his way inside looking rather distracted.
“What’s that?” Shige finally asked.
“This?” Tegoshi looked at his bag as if he had forgotten it was even there. “Well, I… I thought about what you said the other day. I mean moving in together. And it’s not that I don’t want, I’m just not ready to give up on my own place.”
“I already told you, it’s fine.”
“But I brought some of my things so that if I want to stay the night, I don’t have any excuse not to. Sorry if this is sudden.”
“I’m happy but I don’t want to push you.”
“No, no. You never push me. That’s why I like being with you,” Tegoshi said as he sat down next to him on the bed. “If you still want it, that is. If you need some time to be alone, it’s ok. I understand.”
“What? What made you think that?”
“You disappear every Wednesday and Friday night, sometimes Thursdays too. You never say where you go, which is fine…”
“I never thought you noticed,” Shige uttered.
“How could I not? But it’s fine, really. I trust you.”
“I’ve been going to the gym,” Shige said. “For a month now. I wanted to look better for you and for myself. I should have told you, I just…” Shige sighed. “I wasn’t sure if I could keep it up and I was afraid to disappoint you, I guess.”
“Shige, I would never be disappointed by something like that,” Tegoshi assured. “If you like it that’s great but if you decided you wanted to stop, that’s fine too. It’s your time and your body. I feel stupid for bringing it up now. It’s just that… you look like you have a lot on your mind but you won’t talk to me. So… I figured I must be a part of the problem.”
“No, it’s not about you. I mean… I know how I feel about you. I’m not sure how I feel about myself. I never told you because it seemed like you never struggled with it.”
“Is it because you feel you don’t fit in with either straight or gay?”
“That too. But it’s more than that. It’s like… I’m not sure if I know who I am anymore.”
“You’re always you. Who else would you be?” Tegoshi smiled. “Look, people will always try to put you in a box. You don’t have to help them do it.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m always overthinking everything.”
“But I like you like that,” Tegoshi said earnestly making Shige’s heart skip a bit.
“Come here,” Shige said spreading his arm invitingly. Tegoshi scooted closer leaning into him and resting his head on his shoulder.
“I bet your friends think I’m a loser,” Shige said after a minute.
“Well, you friends probably think I’m dumb.”
“Nonsense, they love you. But they all say we won’t last, it’s frustrating.”
“At least there’s something our friends agree on.”
Both men let out a little laugh.
“But doesn’t it make you want to prove them all wrong?” Tegoshi asked. “Movies would have you think that one day you’ll find someone who will make all of your wrongs right and it will be perfect but it never happens that way. There is no 100% match for you and if there were, it would probably be boring as fuck. So what if our tastes differ, so what if our friends would hate each other? There's more to us than this.”
“You’re right,” Shige said kissing the top of the blond’s head. “I love you, you know.”
“Me too,” the blond whispered.
It was later, as Shige was helping Tegoshi unpack that he noticed a book with a red and white cover in his bag.
“Is that…?”
“Ah, yes…” the blond said biting his lip. “I’m not much of a reader but you talked about it with such excitement so I thought I’d give it a go.”
“Isn’t that sweet?” Shige teased.
“Stop it!” the blond protested but he didn’t put up much of a resistance as Shige gathered him in his arms and kissed him gently.
“There’s somewhere I want you to go with me,” Tegoshi said once the parted. His eyes were sparkling.
“Really? Where?”
“You’ll see.”
By night Nichoume looked inviting, luring in with bright neon signs and a sense of adventure.
“Here we are. Ready?” Tegoshi said as they stood on the street corner. He wore tight jeans and tank top with his black leather jacket. His hair was pinned back on the right side while the left side was all roughened up. He looked nothing short of gorgeous.
“Yes,” Shige replied with as much confidence as he could muster considering he felt a little weak in the knees.
“Ok then.”
They approached an indistinct building. Tegoshi opened a door that led them downstairs and into a small but brightly decorated room. Shige looked around curiously.
“Hello, Linda!” Tegoshi greeted the ageing drag queen with a bright smile.
“Oh, hi, darling. Haven’t seen you in a while. And who’s that handsome boy with you?”
“This is Shige. He’s my boyfriend,” Tegoshi stated and Shige thought he would never stop getting excited at the title.
“Really now? I’ve never seen him before. Surely I wouldn’t forget such a cutie.”
“It’s his first time here.”
“Ah. Then I’m afraid I can’t let him pass without the test.”
“Huh? W-what test?” Shige asked nervously but a second later Tegoshi grabbed him by the collar, pulled him in and kissed him passionately. When he let go Shige felt a little dizzy.
“I see. Well, I suppose that’s a pass. Have fun, boys,” the woman winked motioning for them to pass.
“Thanks!” Tegoshi said and pulled Shige toward the door.
“This wasn’t a real test, was it?”
Tegoshi just laughed so Shige took it as a “No”.
As they stepped inside, Shige felt dizzy from the flashing lights and loud music. The club was rather small and it was packed with men. For a moment Shige stopped but Tegoshi was pulling him by the hand, deeper into crowd.
It felt like they crossed some portal and ended up in an alternate reality. There were many men on the dance floor, some dancing alone and some grinding against each other.
“Come on, it’s ok.”
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Of course you can. Look at me.”
There were some men eyeing them and it made Shige really uncomfortable.
“Everyone’s watching you.”
“Oh, honey. I hate to break it to you, but most of them are watching you,” Tegoshi said grinning. “But don’t worry,” he added in low voice “I’ll make sure they know you’re mine,” Tegoshi said putting his hand on Shige’s ass.
Having made his point, Tegoshi started to move to the beat with ease and grace. He put his hands behind his head and threw his head back swimming in the sound waves.
“Forget about them. Just dance with me.”
So Shige did just that. Gradually, the people, the lights, even the music seemed to melt into the background. All he could see was his lovers’s delighted face. All he could feel was Tegoshi’s body moving so close to his and his own body was reacting to it. It must have been the atmosphere of this place but in the next moment Shige leaned in and whispered into the blond’s ear.
“I want you so much.”
When Shige looked at the blond’s face he saw the man grinning ear to ear.
“Come with me,” Tegoshi said his eyes sparkling. Grabbing Shige’s hand, he led him off the dance floor and to door hidden behind the bar. As they stepped inside, Shige gasped. All around them, there were men caught up in unspeakable acts. Some were grinding against each other and some had hands down each other’s pants. Shige looked away in shock.
“Hey,” Tegoshi brought his attention.
“I don’t know about this,” Shige said. Tegoshi put a hand to the side of his face leaning closer so Shige could see him better in the dim light.
“Just trust me, ok?”
Shige nodded. He already came such a long way, might as well see it to the end. Tegoshi continued leading him down the corridor and into the far end where he saw a small bathroom stall that was miraculously unoccupied. Once they slipped inside, Tegoshi shut the door and turned to him with a devious smile which only served to fuel Shige’s burning lust. Something inside him clicked.
In a moment, he was attacking the blond’s lips. There was no gentleness in the kiss, it was rough and primal, teeth clashing and tongues delving deep. Tegoshi broke the kiss backing Shige to the wall. Before he knew it, the blond man unzipped his pants and dropped it to his knees. Shige gasped as his length was engulfed by a hot wet cavern of his lover’s mouth. Tegoshi knew how to drive him mad, alternating between sucking gently and taking him in deep. Just when Shige thought he couldn’t take it anymore, the blond stopped suddenly and stood up, continuing to stroke his length. As their eyes met, Shige realized he had further plans. Accepting the challenge, Shige grabbed his arm turning him around to face the wall. Quickly undoing the man’s belt he pulled down his tight jeans exposing his firm perfect ass. This was so much like the dream he had, but so much better. He stroked the soft flesh before giving it a slap. Tegoshi have a surprised yelp but it looked like he enjoyed it. That gave Shige confidence. He leaned in and kissed the skin of his lower back, then trailed down until his tongue reached a firm ring of muscle. The blond gasped instantly putting his legs further apart, as much as his pants allowed. Shige steadied his hips continuing to caress the tender flesh, circling the rim and pushing his tongue against it. He’d wanted to try this for a long time but could never find the courage. Now feeling his lover squirm and push back against his mouth he knew it wasn’t the last time he was doing it. After a few minutes, he replaced his tongue with his fingers, stretching and scissoring. Propping himself on the wall with one hand, Tegoshi was pushing back on the fingers and stroking himself with his other hand. As much as Shige was enjoying the sight and the little noises the blond made, he was painfully hard himself and it was time to take care of that.
Standing back up he took the condom from his back pocket quickly rolling it on and positioning himself. When he finally began to push in, the incredible tightness of the other man’s body made him feel like he wouldn’t last long. Not giving the man time to adjust, Shige grabbed his hips and set a fast hard pace making the blond cry out and grip the top of the stall tightly. Shige knew everyone in the room could hear them but at that point he didn’t care. Actually, the truth was, it turned him on. Not even in his wildest dreams could he imagine doing something like this and yet here he was, having the most amazing sex of his life in the back room of a gay club.
“Fuck, yes. Shige…” the blond groaned and just a few strokes later a short scream escaped his lips as he was coming, his body tightening around Shige and sending him over the edge. The orgasm hit him like a ton of bricks and his vision darkened. For a few seconds it felt like he died and went to heaven. As he finally came to his senses, he realized he was still gripping the blond’s hips. Pulling out Shige sat on top on the closed toilet and a second later, Tegoshi was dropping into his lap.
They were both sweaty and deshielved but right now all he felt was satisfaction. Tegoshi was looking at him with a fondness and a sort of pride. Turning to his lover he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him into a slow soft kiss, so unlike the sex they just had.
“Marry me?” the blond said once they parted.
“What?” Shige laughed.
“Sorry, I think you just fucked my brains out. I thought I was going to pass out,” Tegoshi said. “But know that from now on you’re going clubbing with me at least once a month, even if I have to drag you.”
“I… think I can handle it.”
“Good,” Tegoshi smiled at him hopping to his feet. “Now pull your pants up and get ready for your stride of pride.”
Suddenly Shige felt his face burning for an entirely different reason.
When they stepped outside it was already dawn. They both looked all out of sorts, messy hair and untidy clothes, but neither of them could care.
“Ahh, can’t wait to go home and take a shower,” Tegoshi said yawning. It was clear he was tired but thoroughly satisfied.
“Actually, there’s this one place here I wanted you to see. They’re probably still closed but…”
“Sure,” Tegoshi said taking his hand firmly “Lead on.”
Pairings: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: NC-17
A/N: This is the 3rd and presumably the last part of the series "Wants and Needs". Dedicated to my friend, P.S.
It took a while for Shige to accept he was in love. Not infatuated, not simply lusting but really, deeply hopelessly in love. It wasn’t during one of their dates, nor was it during lovemaking. It came to him one evening as they were watching TV at Tegoshi’s place. Some random comedy show was on Tegoshi was sprawled across the couch, his feet in Shige’s lap.
“Stop it!” Shige frowned half-heartedly “Your feet are like icicles!”
“That’s why you have to warm them up.”
“Put some socks on!”
“No, it’s your job!” Tegoshi protested stubbornly.
“Oh, yeah? Ok then,” Shige replied taking said feet and massaging them lightly.
“Ah, that’s nice. Wait, no, that tickles! Stop it! Shige!” Tegoshi shrieked trying to squirm away.
When Shige did stop they both were breathless from laughing, their faces inches apart. Suddenly Shige realized he’s never been so comfortable with anyone in his entire life and the thought scared him.
Two minutes later they were sprawled on the couch comfortably and Tegoshi’s limbs were wrapped around him. Shige felt a surge of joy as the man sighed into his mouth. He found early on the man was a clinger but he didn’t mind it at all. Tegoshi was often impatient but Shige liked the slow deep kisses as much as he liked the sex. He savoured them, exploring the wet warm cavern of the man’s mouth. Tegoshi’s hair was blond again, but a darker shade than before. It looked really good on him. It might have been just Shige’s imagination, but it seemed like after he dyed it, some of his cockiness returned.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just… You’re really beautiful,” Shige said suddenly feeling embarrassed. “You’ve probably heard it a thousand times already. Doesn’t matter.”
“It matters when you say it,” the blond replied making Shige’s flutter once again.
“I’m sorry but I have to go”.
“You wouldn’t leave me here like this, would you? That would be so cruel,” Tegoshi pouted.
“I have to get up early,” Shige said proceeding to place a series of soft kisses down his neck.
“But it’s so late and so cold outside and here it’s nice and warm,” Tegoshi argued. His limbs were still wrapped around Shige tightly and he clearly had no intention to let go.
“You are so… convincing. Well, I suppose I could head home early in the morning and change.”
“Good,” Tegoshi smiled triumphantly pulling Shige in for another kiss.
Shige liked the morning routine. He never had roommates and was used to living alone so this was new and exciting for him. He thought it would be awkward having your lover see you sleepy and unrefined but somehow it wasn’t the case at all. He liked the process of preparing for the day together: washing his face while Tegoshi took a shower, making coffee while the man got dressed, having breakfast together, fixing each other’s hair and stealing kisses in between. Shige really wanted to do it every day, not once a week as it has been lately.
“Listen,” Shige started as they were eating their breakfast.
“Mm?” Tegoshi replied while stuffing himself with the omelette Shige made.
“I was thinking… We have been so busy lately and our apartments aren’t that close so... What do you think about moving in with me?”
The man froze for a moment, a deer in the headlights.
“Uh… I don’t know. This is…”
“I know it’s a big decision so you don’t have to reply right now. Just think about it.”
“Sure,” the blond replied but he looked tense so Shige changed the topic.
“Call me,” Tegoshi said in a low voice holding on to the lapel of his blazer as they stood in the doorway.
“Of course,” Shige replied with a smile. Before he could say goodbye though, he was pulled down and captured in a firm kiss that left him feeling tipsy. It was only when he finally turned around to leave, that he saw a woman watching them.
“Mother…” Shige heard Tegoshi utter. The young man’s face that was so playful just a few seconds ago was now stern.
“I’ll come another time,” said the woman and was about to turn around but was stopped by Tegoshi’s voice.
“No. It’s fine. Please come in.” Then, turning back to Shige “You probably need to go so…”
“No, I can stay for a while. If you don’t mind, that is.”
Tegoshi nodded with a small smile.
“Mum, this is…”
“I’m Kato Shigeaki, nice to meet you,” Shige said bowing down.
“He is… my boyfriend. Uh, Shige, this is my mother.”
As soon as the awkward introduction was over, Mrs. Tegoshi went straight to the small kitchen and retrieved some plastic containers with food out of her bag.
“I should have called. I’ll just leave these and be on my way,” she said looking apologetic.
“Do you want some tea?” the blond man asked.
“No, it’s fine. I have a lot of things to do today. Sorry for interrupting.”
With that the woman turned to Shige bowing politely and left.
“Is it always like this?” Shige asked as Tegoshi was putting the food away.
“With my mum? Yes. It’s not like we were very close before and now it’s even harder. She doesn’t know how to deal with me but I don’t blame her. She’s doing her best.”
“These things take time,” Shige said.
Tegoshi just nodded before looking up to see Shige grin.
“What?”
“Nothing. You said ‘my boyfriend’. It’s the first time I heard it and it made me kind of happy.”
“Well, it’s the first time I ever said it,” Tegoshi replied without meeting Shige’s eyes.
It was strange, knowing his sexual advances had a 100% success rate, Shige thought looking at his lover pouring himself a glass of water in the kitchen. With girls it was always confusing. He couldn’t help but worry about misinterpreting the signals and often wondered if they really wanted it less than he did or they were just conditioned to act that way. Tegoshi didn’t seem to know that confusion. He was used to having sex whenever he wanted and Shige could barely keep up with his appetite. Not that he minded. It was like a feast after years of dieting.
“Shige…” Tegoshi sighed as said man wrapped his arms around him from behind. Shige kissed his neck and stroked his stomach gently feeling Tegoshi’s breath quicken. It wasn’t hard to turn him on and Shige enjoyed this newfound power.
“Do you think I’m a good lover?” Shige asked as they lay in bed catching their breath. “I mean I know I don’t have much experience but I just…” This was even harder than he’d imagined and he knew his face was burning. “Nevermind, just forget I said anything.”
“You want to know how you compare?” Tegoshi asked looking somewhat amused.
Shige nodded slowly.
“You don’t. Shige, what I have with you is nothing like what I had before,” Tegoshi said turning to lie on his side. “Lust is simple. It’s like an itch that needs to be scratched. This is… different. I want you and no matter how many times we have sex, I want more.”
Shige bit his lip trying to hide the joy at hearing these words.
“Seriously though… You’ve gotten so good I might start to think you took lessons on the side,” Tegoshi teased.
“I, uh… I have watched some videos,” Shige admitted without meeting his eyes.
“You’re so cute,” Tegoshi laughed and Shige felt his face burning again. “Sorry. I think it’s amazing you did that for me. But if you really want to know what to work on…”
Shige nodded.
“You always do it like you want to impress me. I never thought I’d say this to a guy but… Try to be more selfish.”
Since Shige made it clear he was ready to be public about their relationship, Tegoshi got much bolder. He enjoyed making Shige squirm with a sneaky hand on his thigh in a café or subtly brushing his ass against his front while smiling sweetly at the cashier.
“Don’t, Someone might see,” Shige said quietly brushing the blond’s hand away. The diner was nearly deserted but one of the waiters was glancing their way from time to time.
“You’re too concerned, they just think we’re best buddies,” Tegoshi grinned but put his hand away.
“That’s what bothers me. I just want to have a cup of coffee without having to worry what people do or do not think. With you it’s so easy to get carried away but every now and then someone would give us odd looks and I remember that we’re not normal, not to them.” Shige sighed.
They finished their coffee in silence.
There wasn’t just one coming out, Shige learned. It was a process stretched into many stages. If you wanted to be out, you had to come out to each of your circles - family, friends, colleagues.
Shige’s friends took it better than he could expect. There were some eyebrows raised but few questions asked. Still, he was nervous when he was invited to an old friend’s party and was told he could ‘bring a date’. It wouldn’t be their first party together, but this one was different, a lot of his good friends would be there and he wanted them to know. He didn’t even particularly want to go but he felt like he had to do this to seal their relationship. Also, he knew Tegoshi wanted it.
As he stepped inside the house, he didn’t really know what to expect but they were greeted warmly and it only took a minute for Tegoshi to start socializing. Which was obscene considering he didn’t know anyone there. Shige had less luck. Two girls he know from college came up to him with conspirational smiles.
“You two make such a cute couple!” one of the girls exclaimed loudly.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were gay?” the other said.
“Uh… I’m not gay.”
“Oh, that’s ok. I’m cool with it,” the first girl winked at him.
“Absolutely!” the other one agreed.
They looked at him as if he’d suddenly become someone completely different, some adorable character, sweet and harmless.
Finally escaping from the girls, Shige found the blond sitting in an armchair surrounded by several guys. He couldn't hear what they were talking about but it looked like it was something really funny because Tegoshi was giggling covering his mouth with his palm. The blond wore knee-length shorts and a long sweater. He had his legs up in the chair which made him look even smaller than he already was. The men next to him couldn’t seem to take their eyes off him.
Shige long since noticed that Tegoshi had the same effect on straight men as pretty girls did. There was an undeniable femininity in him and Shige reckoned that was partly what attracted him to Tegoshi in the first place. He couldn’t deny he had a thing for the man’s dainty hands and feet and it felt good wrapping his arms around his smaller frame. But there were also stubbornness and recklessness in him that were clearly male and it was this whole package that he came to love.
Looking back to Tegoshi and his new admirers could help but feel a ting of jealousy. The blond clearly enjoyed the attention, laughing and flirting like he did it for a living.
“I need a drink,” Shige said to himself approaching the table while simultaneously calculating escape routes.
“So how was it?” Tegoshi asked taking off his coat.
“It was… weird. I thought people would be freaking out, but instead they became oddly polite and self-conscious. Some of the guys looked at me with apprehension. As if they were afraid I would jump them, even though I came with you.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Tegoshi smiled mysteriously.
Shige was used to being in control but now he was learning to give some of it up, to be led and taught. One time he even mustered the courage and asked if Tegoshi wanted to top. He didn’t really want to switch but he felt it was only fair. However, the man just laughed in reply.
“Baby, if I wanted to, I would let you know by now,” he said with a cheeky smile but seeing Shige’s face turn red he bit his lip. “I’m sorry. It was sweet of you to ask. It takes a real man. You deserve a prize.”
There was something devious about the man as he slid down on the floor and slowly settled between Shige legs. His smirk sent shivers down Shige’s spine and he held his breath in anticipation. As Tegoshi unzipped his pants, he looked like a cat who found his favourite treat.
Shige struggled to keep his eyes open, the sight of his lover working wonders between his legs was driving him mad in the best way possible. He wished he was half as good to return the pleasure but that only came with practice. However, there was one thing he wanted to try.
“This is so embarrassing,” Tegoshi said. The blond’s laugh was like a wind chime, a magic spell that filled Shige’s heart with joy.
“Hey, look at me,” Shige said taking the blond’s face in his hands gently. Tegoshi was sitting in his lap facing him. It was around noon and the light was filling the room and illuminating the large bed the two men were on. Both of them were naked.
As Tegoshi finally looked up at him with his luminous brown eyes, Shige felt his breath stolen for a moment. It was unfamiliar to him too, such intimacy. With no darkness, no sheets and no passion to cloud their view, just two people bare as the day they were born.
Shige leaned in for a gentle kiss, slow and sensual. When they parted a few minutes later, Tegoshi’s eyes were sparkling and a small smile graced his lips. They kissed again, just a little bit faster, and Shige’s hands began their careful exploration. Sitting like that Shige could touch every part of the man’s body.
He moved his lips to the man’s ear and neck, eliciting a soft sigh. The blond’s hands went up to rake through his hair, sliding over his shoulders and chest slowly while he caressed the blonde’s thighs. After a few minutes, their lips found each other again.
“It’s good but… I don’t know if I can take much longer,” Tegoshi whispered softly.
Shige nodded moving his hand down to envelop the man’s hardened member. Tegoshi held on to his shoulders moaning softly into his ear.
“Shige…” He looked so pretty with his cheeks flushed and biting his lips.
“Good?”
“Yeah. But I still want you in me.”
This time it was the blond who took the initiative and Shige could only welcome it. He kissed Shige long and hard wrapping both arms around his neck before wrapping his hand around Shige’s member and staring to sink on it.
“A perfect fit,” Tegoshi said when Shige was in all the way. Shige groaned as his lover moved his hips in circular motions, grinding. That seemed to give him confidence as he put his hands firmly on Shige’s shoulders and began to move, Shige holding on to the blond’s hips to build a slow steady rhythm. The position wouldn’t let them go much faster but it was very intimate and let them concentrate on every touch as well as seeing each other’s face lost in pleasure. Tegoshi’s eyes were closed now and his mouth slightly open and Shige could feel every hot breath, every gasp. He couldn’t help but pull his lover closer to capture his lips in kiss.
Tegoshi’s strong hips went up and down while his cock was trapped between their bodies, the head already glistening. Shige wanted it to last for hours but feeling the tightness of the blond’s body around him and seeing his face made him jerk his hips up faster and faster. Tegoshi wasn’t the patient kind either, spurring him on and meeting his every thrust.
“Shige…”
Hearing his lover’s plea, Shige wrapped his hand around his cock and squeezed just slightly knowing that would be enough to send him over the edge. Tegoshi shuddered throwing his head back and clasping Shige’s shoulders like he was drowning. Shige hurried to join him, thrusting up desperately, his heart threatening to break free of his rib cage.
When both of them were finally spent, they took time to catch their breath, foreheads pressed together, sweat dripping from their bangs.
“That was good. But I think we need more data to make fair judgment,” Tegoshi said.
“You have a point,” Shige replied leaning in for a kiss.
For the first few months they were dating Tegoshi didn’t really go out much and seemed to avoid the clubs altogether. But now he was somewhat getting back to his earlier lifestyle. Shige encouraged it, he really wanted to be supportive and give Tegoshi the space he knew the man needed but at the same time they weren’t spending as much time together.
Shige also realized just how much their tastes differed. It’s not like he didn’t know before but somehow he was convinced it wouldn’t matter. However, he seemed to have underestimated how much music, books and movies meant to him. Tegoshi was smart but not book smart. He was academically good but only because he liked to be successful. He mostly read books that helped him develop practical skills. He didn’t like classical music, couldn’t care less about theatre and mostly went to see blockbuster movies.
“Hey, do you have time tonight?” Shige asked over the phone.
“What do you have in mind?”
“I wanted to go see the movie I told you about. “
“Oh… Actually, I was going to go clubbing tonight with some friends.”
“I see. Well, that’s totally fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.”
This was the third time Tegoshi had turned him down that week. Well, second if you didn’t count that one time he declined Shige’s offer to go see a play but later came over to his place and they had amazing sex. Which was great, of course, but Tegoshi left right after saying he had to be up early the next day.
“Now look who’s here. The noble knight.”
Shige recognized the voice even before he turned around. He should have known it was a bad idea going out alone at this hour. All he wanted was to have a drink quietly but now it was clear that wasn’t going to happen.
“What do you want?”
“Money and sex mostly,” Yukio answered without missing a beat. His breath reeked of alcohol.
“Well, you’ll get neither from me.” Shige really didn’t want to talk but the man clearly enjoyed messing with him.
“No need to be so rude.”
“Just because you used to fuck my boyfriend doesn’t mean I have to talk to you,” Shige said quickly downing the rest of his drink.
“Oh, but it was more than just fucking,” Yukio said and Shige realized the man would turn a conversation his way no matter what he replied.“ He came to me so young and pure. I taught him everything. How to derive pleasure from his own body and how to give it to others. How to use his looks to get what he wants…”
“Taking someone’s innocence sure is something to be proud of.”
“Innocence?” Yukio laughed out loud. “He was never innocent. You wouldn’t understand anyway, straight boy. If I hadn’t taken him in, somebody else would have.”
“You’re practically a charity,” Shige said dryly.
“He never complained.” Yukio let a stream of smoke flow down from his mouth. “Do you even know he likes it rough?”
“Maybe that’s because he never had a chance to do it any other way,” Shige retorted as he stood up. He’s had enough of this nonsense. He wasn’t having a great day as if was.
“Have fun. Just don't get any illusions. He's not yours to keep. He needs to be free.”
Shige was about to walk away, but as he took one last look at the man, something made him linger.
“Don’t treat him like a girl. Don’t be too soft on him. You gotta listen to what he says, take him seriously.”
The man’s cocky smirk faded into a sad smile and as he continued talking, he seemed to look past Shige, as if he were addressing someone else.
“And… let ‘im know how you feel ‘bout ‘im.”
Walking the neon-lit streets home Shige couldn’t stop thinking that he wasn’t the only one hopelessly in love. He never told Tegoshi about the encounter.
Tegoshi didn’t like to talk about his past or anything serious, really, but there was that rare time after sex and before falling asleep when the man seemed relaxed enough that he didn’t mind it so Shige always tried to make the most of it.
“Did you ever see that senpai after graduating? The one you had a crush on?”
“Sometimes I feel like you want to get inside my head more than you want to get inside my pants,” Tegoshi said in a sleepy voice. He was silent for a while so Shige concluded he would not get an answer but after a minute the man spoke.
“Yes, once,” Tegoshi said looking at the ceiling. “You know, I fantasized about it for years. I was plotting my revenge. I imagined meeting him one day, telling him he’s a goddamn jerk, making him sorry.” Tegoshi shifted, his body a little tense. “He would tell me I looked good and I would smile and tell him to go fuck himself, but… When I met him it wasn’t like that at all. He was with a girl and he looked so calm and confident. He talked to me as if we were old friends. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. God, I hated myself that day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s all in the past now,” the man said tucking himself under his chin.
“No wonder so many people quit after just a few visits,” Shige muttered under his breath looking around the gym. All around him there were people hard at work - on the treadmills, pumping iron or doing cardio. Everyone seemed so busy with their current task, switching from one machine to another with practiced ease. And then there was Shige, dazed and confused and full of doubts. It felt like everyone was judging him, mocking him silently. He knew it probably wasn’t true, because honestly nobody cared. And yet, there was an anxiety, a fear that told him to just turn around and go back.
He wasn’t even sure why he came here in the first place. No, that was untrue. Of course he knew. He wanted to get more fit, to improve his strength and stamina and maybe be less embarrassed of his own body. He wanted to be a better man for Tegoshi. He wanted to prove himself that he could do this if he put his mind to it. Shige took a deep breath silencing all the anxious thoughts and went towards the mats to start with the warm-up.
Shige stopped before entering the small restaurant and took a deep breath. The man he was about to meet has been out for a long time but they haven’t really talked since he switched teams, so to say. “It’s gonna be fine,” he assured himself grabbing the door handle with more force than necessary.
The evening started with light drinks and light talk, movies and books, but as glasses kept getting empty, the conversation moved into a more personal area.
“I’ve seen him. He’s damn pretty. Good job!”
Shige snorted. Tegoshi wasn’t “pretty”. He was beautiful. Not that they’d understand.
“But, you know… He probably had more partners than the number of people you ever talked to,” the man smirked.
“I don't care.” Shige knew he was getting too defensive but he couldn’t help it.
“I was just joking. I mean fidelity is a myth anyway. The sooner you accept it, the better. You’re just in your twenties,” the man said patronizingly. “Besides, you will probably get back to dating girls anyway.”
“Excuse me?”
“Look, you might think this is serious but maybe it would be better not to endorse your grand coming out too much? You can’t undo it. Do you really want to be known as ‘that gay guy’?”
“I’m not gay, I’m…” Shige stumbled.
“See? You don’t even know. Maybe it’s better to figure it out before turning your life upside down.”
“I’m not going to lie.”
“I’m not saying you should. Just choose your battles.”
“I appreciate your opinion. But I will make my own decisions about my life.”
“Of course. It’s your business,” the man said raising his palms defensively. “Just think about it, man. Maybe in a year you’ll still be together. But what about 3 years? 5 years?”
“I’m gonna take a shower. Wanna join me?” Tegoshi asked leaning on the doorframe.
“No, thanks. I need to finish something.”
Tegoshi lingered in the doorway for a few more moments before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Shige closed his eyes and sighed.
By day Nichoume looked just like any other Tokyo district. Looking at the empty street, Shige found it hard to imagine what kind of secret life was happening behind the doors of small clubs scattered around the area. It didn’t take long for him to reach his destination. It was a small corner building that looked like a regular cafe. The only thing that set it apart was a big six colour flag fluttering in the wind.
Shige stopped a few meters away from the door. He was ready before but now somehow it all felt too real. Taking a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart, Shige opened the door and stepped inside. The interior was cozy with a small counter, several tables and a comfy couch in the corner. It looked like a normal café. Not that it wasn’t, Shige told himself. There were only a few visitors, some of them looked his way when he entered but in a few moments they all went to back to their business. Shige took a chair and sat at one of the tables.
“Mind if I join?” The man who asked looked like he was in his 40’s. He was dressed neatly and something about him was very comforting.
“Not at all,” Shige replied and smiled politely.
“It appears to me you’re new here. I am the owner of this place, Satoru Uchimura.”
“Nice to meet you. I’m Kato Shigeaki.”
“Welcome to Colorful Café. Please make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them. If not, I will not bother you further.”
“I… This is probably a stupid question but this café, it’s for gay people, right?”
“Well, I made it as a place for LGBT people but anyone can come.”
“I’m just not sure I belong here.”
“If you’re here, you belong here,” Uchimura smiled at him warmly “I wanted to make a place where people are not judged for who they are.”
“I am dating a man right now. But I’ve never been attracted to men before.”
“It’s ok to be unsure. Humans are very complicated. You don’t have to put a label on yourself.”
“Thank you.”
“When I was your age things were much harder. I was scared and confused and angry. I made many stupid mistakes. It took a lot of time to get where I am. Now I want to help other people understand themselves better. Even if just by a little bit.”
Shige walked out of the café with a smile. He knew he’d be coming back one day. That day might not be soon, but it will come.
“Mrs. Tegoshi…”
As Shige came closer, the woman stood up and smiled a little.
“Is something wrong?” Shige felt a wave of anxiety wash over him.
“No,” the woman shook her head. The gesture looked so familiar it was a bit surreal. “Actually, I came to talk to you.”
Shige let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding but at the same time felt a different kind of nervousness. He came over to sit on the bench next to the woman. She sat quietly for a minute or so seemingly choosing the right words but then she looked up at Shige and began to talk quickly.
“Please, take care of Yuya. I know he always tries to be tough and act like he doesn’t need anyone, but that’s just a front. He was hurting a lot. But he never showed it, never talked about it.” The woman took a deep breath trying to control her emotions. “He’s so stubborn. Just like his father.” She looked down and fell silent for a moment. “When I saw him with you that day… he looked so happy. I can’t remember seeing him so happy ever since he was a little boy.”
“I will take care of him. I promise,” Shige assured her.
“And please don’t tell him I came.”
Having said that, the woman stood up, bowed down deeply and left.
The call came at around 11 PM.
“Hey. Can I come over now?”
“Uh. Sure but… you know, I’m really tired today so...”
“It’s… not about that. I just need to see you.”
“Of course you can come.” Shige kicked himself mentally as he put the phone down.
When Shige opened the door, he saw Tegoshi was carrying a big sports bag. He did not immediately comment on it though lest he said something stupid again. Maybe the man had a practice the next day. However, Tegoshi did not speak even as he made his way inside looking rather distracted.
“What’s that?” Shige finally asked.
“This?” Tegoshi looked at his bag as if he had forgotten it was even there. “Well, I… I thought about what you said the other day. I mean moving in together. And it’s not that I don’t want, I’m just not ready to give up on my own place.”
“I already told you, it’s fine.”
“But I brought some of my things so that if I want to stay the night, I don’t have any excuse not to. Sorry if this is sudden.”
“I’m happy but I don’t want to push you.”
“No, no. You never push me. That’s why I like being with you,” Tegoshi said as he sat down next to him on the bed. “If you still want it, that is. If you need some time to be alone, it’s ok. I understand.”
“What? What made you think that?”
“You disappear every Wednesday and Friday night, sometimes Thursdays too. You never say where you go, which is fine…”
“I never thought you noticed,” Shige uttered.
“How could I not? But it’s fine, really. I trust you.”
“I’ve been going to the gym,” Shige said. “For a month now. I wanted to look better for you and for myself. I should have told you, I just…” Shige sighed. “I wasn’t sure if I could keep it up and I was afraid to disappoint you, I guess.”
“Shige, I would never be disappointed by something like that,” Tegoshi assured. “If you like it that’s great but if you decided you wanted to stop, that’s fine too. It’s your time and your body. I feel stupid for bringing it up now. It’s just that… you look like you have a lot on your mind but you won’t talk to me. So… I figured I must be a part of the problem.”
“No, it’s not about you. I mean… I know how I feel about you. I’m not sure how I feel about myself. I never told you because it seemed like you never struggled with it.”
“Is it because you feel you don’t fit in with either straight or gay?”
“That too. But it’s more than that. It’s like… I’m not sure if I know who I am anymore.”
“You’re always you. Who else would you be?” Tegoshi smiled. “Look, people will always try to put you in a box. You don’t have to help them do it.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m always overthinking everything.”
“But I like you like that,” Tegoshi said earnestly making Shige’s heart skip a bit.
“Come here,” Shige said spreading his arm invitingly. Tegoshi scooted closer leaning into him and resting his head on his shoulder.
“I bet your friends think I’m a loser,” Shige said after a minute.
“Well, you friends probably think I’m dumb.”
“Nonsense, they love you. But they all say we won’t last, it’s frustrating.”
“At least there’s something our friends agree on.”
Both men let out a little laugh.
“But doesn’t it make you want to prove them all wrong?” Tegoshi asked. “Movies would have you think that one day you’ll find someone who will make all of your wrongs right and it will be perfect but it never happens that way. There is no 100% match for you and if there were, it would probably be boring as fuck. So what if our tastes differ, so what if our friends would hate each other? There's more to us than this.”
“You’re right,” Shige said kissing the top of the blond’s head. “I love you, you know.”
“Me too,” the blond whispered.
It was later, as Shige was helping Tegoshi unpack that he noticed a book with a red and white cover in his bag.
“Is that…?”
“Ah, yes…” the blond said biting his lip. “I’m not much of a reader but you talked about it with such excitement so I thought I’d give it a go.”
“Isn’t that sweet?” Shige teased.
“Stop it!” the blond protested but he didn’t put up much of a resistance as Shige gathered him in his arms and kissed him gently.
“There’s somewhere I want you to go with me,” Tegoshi said once the parted. His eyes were sparkling.
“Really? Where?”
“You’ll see.”
By night Nichoume looked inviting, luring in with bright neon signs and a sense of adventure.
“Here we are. Ready?” Tegoshi said as they stood on the street corner. He wore tight jeans and tank top with his black leather jacket. His hair was pinned back on the right side while the left side was all roughened up. He looked nothing short of gorgeous.
“Yes,” Shige replied with as much confidence as he could muster considering he felt a little weak in the knees.
“Ok then.”
They approached an indistinct building. Tegoshi opened a door that led them downstairs and into a small but brightly decorated room. Shige looked around curiously.
“Hello, Linda!” Tegoshi greeted the ageing drag queen with a bright smile.
“Oh, hi, darling. Haven’t seen you in a while. And who’s that handsome boy with you?”
“This is Shige. He’s my boyfriend,” Tegoshi stated and Shige thought he would never stop getting excited at the title.
“Really now? I’ve never seen him before. Surely I wouldn’t forget such a cutie.”
“It’s his first time here.”
“Ah. Then I’m afraid I can’t let him pass without the test.”
“Huh? W-what test?” Shige asked nervously but a second later Tegoshi grabbed him by the collar, pulled him in and kissed him passionately. When he let go Shige felt a little dizzy.
“I see. Well, I suppose that’s a pass. Have fun, boys,” the woman winked motioning for them to pass.
“Thanks!” Tegoshi said and pulled Shige toward the door.
“This wasn’t a real test, was it?”
Tegoshi just laughed so Shige took it as a “No”.
As they stepped inside, Shige felt dizzy from the flashing lights and loud music. The club was rather small and it was packed with men. For a moment Shige stopped but Tegoshi was pulling him by the hand, deeper into crowd.
It felt like they crossed some portal and ended up in an alternate reality. There were many men on the dance floor, some dancing alone and some grinding against each other.
“Come on, it’s ok.”
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Of course you can. Look at me.”
There were some men eyeing them and it made Shige really uncomfortable.
“Everyone’s watching you.”
“Oh, honey. I hate to break it to you, but most of them are watching you,” Tegoshi said grinning. “But don’t worry,” he added in low voice “I’ll make sure they know you’re mine,” Tegoshi said putting his hand on Shige’s ass.
Having made his point, Tegoshi started to move to the beat with ease and grace. He put his hands behind his head and threw his head back swimming in the sound waves.
“Forget about them. Just dance with me.”
So Shige did just that. Gradually, the people, the lights, even the music seemed to melt into the background. All he could see was his lovers’s delighted face. All he could feel was Tegoshi’s body moving so close to his and his own body was reacting to it. It must have been the atmosphere of this place but in the next moment Shige leaned in and whispered into the blond’s ear.
“I want you so much.”
When Shige looked at the blond’s face he saw the man grinning ear to ear.
“Come with me,” Tegoshi said his eyes sparkling. Grabbing Shige’s hand, he led him off the dance floor and to door hidden behind the bar. As they stepped inside, Shige gasped. All around them, there were men caught up in unspeakable acts. Some were grinding against each other and some had hands down each other’s pants. Shige looked away in shock.
“Hey,” Tegoshi brought his attention.
“I don’t know about this,” Shige said. Tegoshi put a hand to the side of his face leaning closer so Shige could see him better in the dim light.
“Just trust me, ok?”
Shige nodded. He already came such a long way, might as well see it to the end. Tegoshi continued leading him down the corridor and into the far end where he saw a small bathroom stall that was miraculously unoccupied. Once they slipped inside, Tegoshi shut the door and turned to him with a devious smile which only served to fuel Shige’s burning lust. Something inside him clicked.
In a moment, he was attacking the blond’s lips. There was no gentleness in the kiss, it was rough and primal, teeth clashing and tongues delving deep. Tegoshi broke the kiss backing Shige to the wall. Before he knew it, the blond man unzipped his pants and dropped it to his knees. Shige gasped as his length was engulfed by a hot wet cavern of his lover’s mouth. Tegoshi knew how to drive him mad, alternating between sucking gently and taking him in deep. Just when Shige thought he couldn’t take it anymore, the blond stopped suddenly and stood up, continuing to stroke his length. As their eyes met, Shige realized he had further plans. Accepting the challenge, Shige grabbed his arm turning him around to face the wall. Quickly undoing the man’s belt he pulled down his tight jeans exposing his firm perfect ass. This was so much like the dream he had, but so much better. He stroked the soft flesh before giving it a slap. Tegoshi have a surprised yelp but it looked like he enjoyed it. That gave Shige confidence. He leaned in and kissed the skin of his lower back, then trailed down until his tongue reached a firm ring of muscle. The blond gasped instantly putting his legs further apart, as much as his pants allowed. Shige steadied his hips continuing to caress the tender flesh, circling the rim and pushing his tongue against it. He’d wanted to try this for a long time but could never find the courage. Now feeling his lover squirm and push back against his mouth he knew it wasn’t the last time he was doing it. After a few minutes, he replaced his tongue with his fingers, stretching and scissoring. Propping himself on the wall with one hand, Tegoshi was pushing back on the fingers and stroking himself with his other hand. As much as Shige was enjoying the sight and the little noises the blond made, he was painfully hard himself and it was time to take care of that.
Standing back up he took the condom from his back pocket quickly rolling it on and positioning himself. When he finally began to push in, the incredible tightness of the other man’s body made him feel like he wouldn’t last long. Not giving the man time to adjust, Shige grabbed his hips and set a fast hard pace making the blond cry out and grip the top of the stall tightly. Shige knew everyone in the room could hear them but at that point he didn’t care. Actually, the truth was, it turned him on. Not even in his wildest dreams could he imagine doing something like this and yet here he was, having the most amazing sex of his life in the back room of a gay club.
“Fuck, yes. Shige…” the blond groaned and just a few strokes later a short scream escaped his lips as he was coming, his body tightening around Shige and sending him over the edge. The orgasm hit him like a ton of bricks and his vision darkened. For a few seconds it felt like he died and went to heaven. As he finally came to his senses, he realized he was still gripping the blond’s hips. Pulling out Shige sat on top on the closed toilet and a second later, Tegoshi was dropping into his lap.
They were both sweaty and deshielved but right now all he felt was satisfaction. Tegoshi was looking at him with a fondness and a sort of pride. Turning to his lover he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him into a slow soft kiss, so unlike the sex they just had.
“Marry me?” the blond said once they parted.
“What?” Shige laughed.
“Sorry, I think you just fucked my brains out. I thought I was going to pass out,” Tegoshi said. “But know that from now on you’re going clubbing with me at least once a month, even if I have to drag you.”
“I… think I can handle it.”
“Good,” Tegoshi smiled at him hopping to his feet. “Now pull your pants up and get ready for your stride of pride.”
Suddenly Shige felt his face burning for an entirely different reason.
When they stepped outside it was already dawn. They both looked all out of sorts, messy hair and untidy clothes, but neither of them could care.
“Ahh, can’t wait to go home and take a shower,” Tegoshi said yawning. It was clear he was tired but thoroughly satisfied.
“Actually, there’s this one place here I wanted you to see. They’re probably still closed but…”
“Sure,” Tegoshi said taking his hand firmly “Lead on.”