The Odds
Title: The Odds
Pairings: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: NC-17
A/N: This is a sequel to my earlier work, Wants and Needs.
“Can you drop me off here, please?” Tegoshi asked as Shige’s car approached the campus. He was wearing tight black jeans and a long striped red and black sweater.
“Why? Isn’t the university parking lot further down the road?”
“Yes, I just wanted to get a few things on the way.”
“Sure,” Shige said stopping the car.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” Tegoshi swung the bag over his shoulder and got out of the car.
“Have a nice day!” Shige nearly shouted but the man was already too far to hear.
Tegoshi walked with quick steps until he reached the gates. Once he was on campus, he stopped looking at his watch. He was early.
“Hi, Yuya.” Tegoshi turned around to see a pale young foreigner. He didn’t respond.
“I like your new hair,” the man tried again, “Very... modern.”
“Goodbye, Jake,” Tegoshi said turning and attempting to walk away but the man caught up with him.
“Hey, wait. I was just thinking. Maybe we could... you know...”
“No,” Tegoshi stopped abruptly facing the guy. “It is not happening. We slept once and that's it. Stop acting like we're friends.” He turned around and walked towards the library without looking back.
The lectures seemed particularly boring that day. Tegoshi couldn’t wait for it to be over but time ran torturously slow. His mind drifted off to soft hands and gentle lips and he had to stop himself to avoid getting hard in class.
“I thought you had other plans for tonight,” Shige noted. He was standing at the counter finishing dinner.
“Yeah,” Tegoshi said hugging one knee that was pulled up to his chest. “I just... wanted to see you.”
“Well, I’m glad,” Shige smiled.
Tegoshi didn’t say anything mesmerized by Shige’s deft hands expertly cutting vegetables.
“Hey, listen,” Shige said after a few minutes of silence, “My friend has a house in Gunma, it’s really nice there this time of year. He said we could come for the weekend.”
“That’s nice but… I don’t feel like going.”
“I thought you’d be glad to go somewhere. It would be fun.”
“Maybe next time,” Tegoshi said without looking at Shige.
“What do you want to do then?”
“I dunno. We can just stay here. Watch some movies and stuff. You said you wanted to show me some the other day.”
“Ok, we’ll do that then,” Shige smiled.
Tegoshi woke up with a start. He didn’t remember having a bad dream but somehow he was wide awake. He slowly disentangled himself from the sleeping man beside him. Carefully placing his feet on the floor, he saw the moon was almost full shining right through the window. He was about to get up, but he lingered looking back at his lover. Shige looked so peaceful and Tegoshi thought it was a pity he might never really see just how beautiful he was. Quietly, he put his pants on and began to rummage through his bag. Finally finding what he was looking for, he quietly slipped to the balcony.
The first inhale felt so good, especially on a cold night like this and Tegoshi closed his eyes blowing out the smoke in a thin stream. He was almost done when the balcony door opened and closed quietly.
“I thought you’d quit,” Shige said looking at the thin cigarette in Tegoshi’s hand. It wasn’t a reproach, just an observation.
“I’m trying to. Sorry, I-” Tegoshi began stubbing out the fag quickly.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize,” Shige interrupted stepping behind the shorter man and embracing his torso with one arm. Tegoshi instantly relaxed resting against his chest.
“I will quit though,” Tegoshi said.
“Ok.”
They stood in silence until the moon disappeared behind thick clouds, then went back to bed.
The cafeteria was oddly empty at this hour, Tegoshi noted as he looked around waiting for his meal to be served. Lately, he was always dining alone and it seemed today would be no exception. However, as he took his tray and was about to go find a quiet corner to eat, he was startled by a familiar voice.
“It's not nice to forget old friends.” The man looked like he was in his early 40’s. He had expensive accessories and a small stylish beard.
“We’ve never been friends,” Tegoshi replied walking towards the tables closest to the window.
“That hurts, you know,” said the man following him. “I haven’t seen you in months and this is how you greet me?” He fished a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, took one and lit it.
“You’re not supposed to smoke here,” Tegoshi noted but the man ignored him taking the opposite seat.
“Well, look at you,” the man said examining Tegoshi’s outfit. “So plain. Where is the glamour, the flair?”
“Fuck off, Yukio.”
“How rude. What happened to the sweet little boy who used to call me “Yuki-chan”?”
“He died,” Tegoshi replied coldly.
“Now now, sugar, don't be so dramatic.”
Tegoshi scowled. He knew this moment would come but he always mentally delayed it.
“Why the fuck are you even here?” he said looking at the man.
“I just had some business in the area, thought I’d go pay you a visit since you don’t return my calls.”
“We have nothing to talk about,” Tegoshi said. “Besides, I have a boyfriend now,” he added quietly. It sounded kind of sheepish, even to himself.
“So I heard. What a lucky chap. Never thought you'd really go for it. He must fuck you really well.”
“Shut up.”
“So where’d you find him?” Yukio asked taking a deep drag. He looked mildly interested.
“We met at a friend’s party,” Tegoshi replied dryly.
“How ordinary.”
“What did you expect to hear? The men’s bathroom?”
“Wait,” Yukio said looking at the younger man’s face, “Don't tell me he's straight.”
Tegoshi did not reply.
“Really? Didn't you say you're never getting with a straight guy again?”
“He's different,” Tegoshi said in a low voice.
“Oh, of course he is,” Yukio mocked. “You know, you sound like a teenage girl. You try to act tough but you’re still so naïve.”
“I’ve had enough lectures today. I don’t need yours.”
“You used to like them. Though you always preferred the practical lessons,” The man smirked.
“You make me sick.”
“Don't say that, baby. We had such good times.” Yukio leaned in and stroked the younger man's cheek but Tegoshi turned away from the touch.
“Don't tell me you really believe it would last,” Yukio said his voice finally getting serious, “You and I, we're one of a kind. That stuff just ain’t for us.”
“Maybe it won’t but at least I’ll know I tried.”
“Fair enough,” the man said finally getting up, “Well, when you get bored of playing that game, you know where to find me.”
It was five minutes after Yukio left that Tegoshi dialed a familiar number.
“Hey. What's up? Can we meet tonight? Okay. I'll come over. See you then.”
As soon as the door closed, Tegoshi rushed into the man's arms.
“Hey. You alright?” Shige asked.
Tegoshi just nodded into his chest.
“Sure?”
“Yes,” the man replied finally looking up. “Kiss me.”
“What?”
“Just kiss me now.”
When Shige didn’t respond, Tegoshi kissed him instead, hard and deep, sucking the breath right out of him. They stumbled to the bedroom Tegoshi nearly ripping Shige’s clothes eager to feel the warm skin underneath. Shige let him, helping with buttons and zippers that were in the way.
As they reached the bed, he pushed Shige to sit at the edge and immediately straddled him reclaiming his lips once again. Tegoshi’s hands were roaming all over the other man’s body, his mouth not resting a moment. Still, it was not enough so he began to move his hips groaning at the delicious friction it created.
Tegoshi whined when Shige grabbed his hips stilling him. Hastily removing the rest of their clothes, Tegoshi pushed at the man’s shoulders until he was lying on his back and sat on top of him. He felt Shige shiver as he leaned forward to rummage in the bedside table. The preparation was short, Tegoshi couldn’t wait another minute to feel the man inside him. Positioning himself, he held Shige’s length firmly and sunk on it making them both gasp. He didn’t wait to adjust either, swiftly rising and falling back down again, leaning back just so to make sure he hit that sweet spot inside of him that made him see stars.
Shige let him set the pace holding on to his hips firmly. He could see his lover struggle to keep his eyes open as he rode him relentlessly, bouncing up and down. It was so good but Tegoshi knew it wouldn’t last. Orgasm hit him suddenly, sending electric shocks of pleasure through his body. He could feel Shige was on the edge too so he tried to clench his muscles even harder watching the man’s face as he came undone beneath him.
Finally spent, he collapsed forward into Shige’s waiting arms.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” Shige asked as the two were catching their breath.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Tegoshi replied. Sometimes he wished his lover was just a little more dense. He wanted to slide next to Shige but the bed was way too narrow so he just put his head on his chest. Shige didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Tegoshi relaxed thinking he just let it slide.
“Relationship isn't just exclusive rights to sex, you know. It's also sharing things, talking about stuff.”
“We talk,” Tegoshi retorted without looking up.
“Yes, but not about the things that matter.”
“You're a weird guy,” Tegoshi said groaning and dislodging himself from Shige slightly to lie on his side. “Most men dream about having all the sex they want and never talking about it.”
“So maybe I'm weird then. But you chose me so that makes you weird too.”
Tegoshi laughed heartily swatting Shige’s chest.
“Remember when we started dating you told me you couldn’t promise me much,” Shige said suddenly getting serious. “You said you didn’t know if we would work out, if we would last, that you wouldn’t be surprised if it went horribly wrong and we’d end up hating each other. Yet, you said you could promise me one thing - that you would always be honest with me. If there would be someone else or…” Shige looked away taking a deep breath.
“There isn’t,” Tegoshi said firmly putting his hand on top of Shige’s. He waited until Shige’s eyes met his to continue. “I only want you.”
“Ok then. Good.” Shige tried to keep it cool but Tegoshi could feel the tension in his body ease. He was about to fall asleep when the man spoke again.
“Does it scare you? You know, of being attached?”
“No, I just… it complicates things so much,” Tegoshi said looking at the ceiling. “If you really open up to a person, share the things you like and hate, share your deepest fears and desires… it leaves you vulnerable. You may think you will be close forever but most of the time that isn’t true. Of course, nobody wants to think their relationship might fail, nobody wants to imagine things getting ugly. But the truth is, more often than not they do. And then at best, things that used to mean the world to you become useless, emotional garbage. At worst, you end up hating yourself for thinking about someone you wish to forget. It’s like everything around you - food, songs, places, words are poisoned with this person. I never really thought about it, but I guess that’s why I never bring anyone home…” Tegoshi stopped at this realization turning to Shige. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so cynical…”
“No, you’re just being honest. I like that about you,” Shige said. “But if you feel that way why did you decide to come to me that day?”
Tegoshi sighed. “I kept thinking about us and I thought of all the people looking for someone to be with. You know, even straight people struggle so much and they have the best selection. Gay men can only choose from other gay men and that’s 5% at best. Then, even out of those 5% there aren’t many that are seeking a relationship. And those who do are mostly passive and want to be taken care of. So I thought: what are the odds of meeting someone who’s smart and hot and nice? What are the odds that you’ll want them and they’ll want you back? How foolish would it be to throw that away?”
“So it was just a calculation,” Shige said but he was smirking.
“I guess. A very good one, don’t you think?” Tegoshi said as he rose up slowly and climbed on top of Shige to sit on his stomach. He wasn’t even sleepy anymore so might as well…
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Shige said pulling him back down and pinning him to the bed.
Tegoshi wondered what was it that he filled his time with before. The lectures ended early and now slowly walking down the university street he was trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day.
He could catch up with some friends but looking through the contacts in his phone, he couldn’t find anyone he really wanted to see. The clubs? It was way too early for that but even if it wasn’t he hasn’t been to one in weeks. He didn’t feel like it. Besides, everyone knew the clubs were mostly for hooking up and he didn’t seek that now. Maybe the gym? That seemed like a good idea and Tegoshi sped up his pace pleased with his decision. He used to go two or three times a week but lately nothing was like before.
Tegoshi grabbed a water bottle wiping his face and neck with a towel. He’d missed this. It’s wasn’t just the vanity or trying to keep in shape, he loved the slight burn or muscles as he put them to use, it made him feel alive and helped to clear his head. He would probably wake up sore the next day, but it would be worth it.
Glancing at the clock revealed it was 5.03 PM. Taking his phone, Tegoshi dialed a number but canceled before the call went through. For a minute he sat with a phone is his hand, contemplating. Finally settling for a text, he put the phone away. As he was about to get back to his workout, the phone began to ring.
“Hey.” Shige’s voice sounded low and it rang pleasantly in Tegoshi’s ear.
“Hi.”
“About tonight… I promised my friends I would meet them at this restaurant not far from here.”
“Oh, I see.”
“But you can come too. They’ll be glad to-”
“No, it’s fine, you have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tegoshi said slowly putting the phone down.
“Need a refill?” the barman asked smiling mysteriously. Tegoshi knew that smile well.
The night was still young and the bar was packed with drunken office workers and noisy students. Friday night held so many possibilities and yet none of them seemed appealing at the moment.
“No, thanks,” Tegoshi said firmly. He left a bill on the counter, got up and walked out.
On Saturday night Tegoshi came over to Shige’s place as they agreed. They drank red wine and Shige made him watch one of his favourite movies - an old black and white French film. It was really long too and Tegoshi began to yawn halfway through. He didn’t really mind though as Shige let him pretty much sit in his lap. The other man was really into it though, he was watching the screen with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape and every time Tegoshi got a little bored, he watched him instead.
“You hated it, didn’t you?” Shige asked when the titles slowly rolled down a black screen.
“No. I mean it was… different.”
“You don’t have to pretend. It’s my fault, I should have known it’s not your thing,” Shige said looking apologetic.
“It’s fine, really. I had a good time. Thank you for sharing.”
Shige looked at him curiously.
“What?” Tegoshi asked but instead of answering, Shige shifted quickly pressing him down with his body until he was on his back. Then he leaned in for a kiss. Tegoshi expected passion but the kiss was slow and deep and so so good. It was the kind of kiss no stranger could ever give you, no matter how good he was and Tegoshi felt a little intoxicated. Minutes trickled by but Shige didn’t try to speed up or remove his clothes. He just moved his lips and tongue slowly driving Tegoshi mad with want and something much deeper. He told himself it must be the wine because his head was spinning.
“Yes, just like that…” Tegoshi was on his back while Shige was moving inside him slowly, one leg over his shoulder. Tegoshi always loved it fast and hard but Shige made him really appreciate the wonders of slow and deep. Shige never broke the rhythm holding Tegoshi’s body firmly, moving it to adjust their position to find just the right angle to drive him mad with pleasure.
Tegoshi’s had many lovers but nobody touched him quite like Shige did. There was a reverence in the way he kissed his neck and even when he tried to be a little rough there was an underlying gentleness in his touch.
For years Tegoshi learned to separate sex from feelings of affection, built a high wall between the two but Shige was chipping at it, bit by bit.
When Tegoshi woke up, Shige was nowhere to be seen. Figuring out he must have went out to buy something, he stretched and he went to shower. Just as he was done, he heard the front door close. It was a perfect opportunity.
Stepping out of the bathroom quietly he saw Shige in the kitchen. Still naked, Tegoshi leaned against the doorframe, putting one arm just above his head and bending one leg at the knee. It only took about a minute for Shige to spot him, his already big eyes widening in surprise. Tegoshi smirked.
“Could you please put some clothes on?” Shige said eyes down.
“Why? There’s nothing you haven’t seen,” Tegoshi replied finally leaving his position and coming over to his lover.
“It’s distracting.” Shige tried his best to hide his embarrassment but his cheeks looked slightly flushed. Tegoshi found it incredibly cute.
“Really?” he replied with a question moving behind Shige and pressing his naked body firmly against his. “Then why don’t you allow yourself be distracted?” he said right into his ear in a low voice as his hand sneaked down Shige’s torso.
It was way past noon but the two men were still in bed. Or, to be precise, in bed again.
“Not bad. For a straight boy anyway.”
Shige raised one eyebrow and Tegoshi couldn’t help but laugh.
“Are you hungry?” Shige asked.
“A little.”
“I’ll go make something for lunch.”
“No,” Tegoshi said firmly. His limbs were all around Shige gripping him tightly. “Just a bit more,” he added quietly.
“Ok.”
They kissed slowly and leisurely, Shige sucking on Tegoshi’s lower lip and running his hands over his naked shoulders.
“You took me on a trip after all,” Tegoshi said gently breaking the kiss.
He never dreaded Monday more.
“So how’s the married life?” The small ramen store was crowded and the young man almost shouted to be heard. Tegoshi rolled his eyes at the question.
“Good”.
“I mean, who would have thought that you of all people would get tied down?” The man said excitedly. “You were so vocal about being free and keeping it fun.”
“That’s what I believed at the time. Now it’s different. People who never change their views are cowardly and boring.”
“Now that sounds more like you,” The man laughed. “But you’re, like, really exclusive?” he asked leaning over the table. Tegoshi’s hope for a fun evening with an old friend was rapidly fading. He knew the man didn’t mean to annoy him, he was just curious. Hell, he himself would be too several months ago. But now being questioned like this felt like torture.
“We are.”
“Oh, come on! How long has it been? Don’t you want to go and have a little adventure once in a while?” the man winked at him. Tegoshi took a sip of his beer taking a moment to look inside himself and make sure his answer was sincere.
“Not really.”
The man kept looking at him clearly expecting him to elaborate.
“Why would I want a quick fuck in a back room with some dude who just wants to stick his dick in me if I can have it any time and any way I want with someone who really wants to make me feel good?” Tegoshi frowned at how primitive he sounded but the other’s man face lit up.
“Damn, he really must be something then!” his friend said raising his eyebrows. “You know, you should bring him in sometime, let us look at him. There’s gonna be this event at ‘Flashlight’ on Sunday, it will be grand. Here, I have a flyer.”
“Uh, I’ll think about it,” Tegoshi said looking at the piece of paper depicting two scantily clad buff men promising “the best time of your life”.
It was dark when Tegoshi stepped out of the shop. He walked a block slowly without realizing he was heading the wrong way. On the corner he took the flyer out of his pocket and dropped it into a trash can.
“We’re going to Jun’s birthday party,” Shige said suddenly making Tegoshi look up from the magazine he was holding.
“What?”
“He asked me so I thought it would be good. You haven’t gone out much since we got together. I thought you’d be happy.” Shige was folding his clothes and putting them neatly into the wardrobe.
“Well, I…” Tegoshi looked down more confused by his own feelings than Shige’s words.
“You know I’m beginning to think you don’t want to be seen with me.” Shige finally closed the wardrobe sitting at the edge of the bed.
“It’s not like that,” Tegoshi said putting a hand on Shige’s forearm.
“We’ve been spending so much time at home lately. And I am happy with that but... I know you like going out, and I don’t want you to give up on that because of me. So I thought I’d go with you.” Tegoshi didn’t reply. “But if you don’t want to I’ll just call him and-”
“No, it’s fine. Let’s go,” Tegoshi said. “But I have one condition.”
“Look, I’m grateful for your concern but I have plenty of things to wear,” Shige said as they entered yet another clothing store.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re hot and all but you kind of dress like a grandpa.”
“I do not!” Shige protested.
“Look, I just want everyone to see what they were missing all this time. Here, try these on,” Tegoshi said giving Shige a pair of stylish jeans.
“They took too tight.”
“Good.”
Two hours and a dozen shops later Tegoshi was finally satisfied with Shige’s outfit but so he thought he might as well get a few things for himself.
“How is this?” he asked putting a leather jacket against his chest.
“Nice,” Shige replied. Tegoshi noted there was a slight glint in his eyes.
“I’m going to try it on. Also a few shirts. Most of my old ones look weird with this hair.”
“Don’t you miss it?”
“What?” Tegoshi asked without looking away from the mirror.
“Your blond hair and all.”
“It’s fine. I’ve always wanted to try a rock style anyway. Why, you don’t like it?”
“No, no. I mean, any style looks good on you. I just don’t want you to change who you are because of me.”
“Who said it was because of you? A change of style is always good, it doesn’t let you go stale,” Tegoshi smirked. He was definitely keeping the jacket.
“I’m sure that’s something you won’t have to worry about ever.”
“And besides,” Tegoshi added, “I’m always me no matter how I look or what I do. Who else would I be?”
Shige looked at him with fondness and it seemed like he was about to say something else when they were startled by a man’s voice.
“Yuya!” Tegoshi cringed instantly recognizing the voice.
“Hello.”
“What a pleasant surprise!” Yukio enveloped him in a hug that lasted a second longer than it should have. Shige looked more curious than concerned waiting to be introduced.
“Um, Shige, this is Yukio, my old friend. Yukio, this is Shige-”
“You must be the boyfriend.” Yukio said eyeing the man up and down. “Well, Yuya always had a good taste.”
“Nice to meet you,” Shige said holding out his hand.
“Oh, it’s a pleasure for me too. I heard so much about you.”
“Really?” Shige asked. Tegoshi could tell he felt uncomfortable from the attention.
“Yes. The guys are starting to bet if you even exist. But I can see why he wants to keep you all to himself.”
“So, Mr. …”
“Just Yukio. Yuya never mentioned me? Too bad,” Yukio said ignoring the look Tegoshi gave him.
“What do you do, Yukio?”
“Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that,” the man replied examining some shirts on the hangers.
“Anyway. A little bird told me you’ll be at the party Sunday.”
“Um, yes, we’re planning to go,” Shige said.
“That’s great, looking forward to seeing you there then,” Yukio winked and walked out of the shop.
Shige followed him with his eyes. He looked calm but Tegoshi could almost hear the cogs in his head turning.
“I’m starving,” Tegoshi said clinging to his arm. “Why don’t I go pay for the jacket and then we can go to that yakiniku place you told me about?”
Shige just nodded.
“Tell me about Yukio.”
Shige didn’t bring it up all day so now that were about to go to sleep Tegoshi was convinced he would just let it go, but he should have known the man never forgot anything. Normally, he tried to get the things out of the way as soon as possible because letting them brew in Shige’s head only made it worse, but this time he couldn’t follow his rule.
“It’s a long story.”
“I don’t mind.” Well, it was worth a try.
“Okay,” Tegoshi nodded sitting up in bed. “In middle school I was a kid with no worries. I had good grades and I spent my time off kicking the ball around. I was just another boy. Then, at some point, things began to change. My friends started to get interested in girls, go on dates and such. At first I thought I was just a little slower, but even as the time went by, nothing happened.”
“By the time I entered high school, I started to feel I was different. At lunch all the boys would discuss which girls were pretty and share dirty jokes. I pretended I was into it too. I think I was lying to myself as much as the others,” Tegoshi smiled bitterly. “But in my second year I fell for this tall guy two years senior.”
“Did you confess?” Shige asked.
“No. I wasn’t even sure how to explain my feelings to myself. I didn’t know what to do with them, I just stalked him for months. But one day as I was staring at him from afar he turned to me and motioned for me to come closer. I felt my heart race like crazy as I came up to him. Then he told me to meet him after classes.”
“There was this old run-down building behind the soccer field. I met him there. I don’t remember exactly what he said that day. He asked me if I liked him and I said I did. Then he asked if I want to make him feel really good.”
Shige made a disgruntled face.
“Yes. He made me suck him off and that was basically it. Of course, I didn’t really like it but I was also so excited he even talked to me that when he told me to come there again in a few days I did.” Tegoshi’s face was clear of anger of sadness, it looked oddly neutral, as if he was describing things that happened to someone else.
“That’s when I met Yukio. He… showed me the ropes. Taught me how to get around.”
“He taught you about sex,” Shige suggested.
“That too. But he never forced me into anything. He never hurt me.”
“You make him sound like some Samaritan,” Shige said without meeting his eyes.
“He’s not a bad person.”
“He’s not a good person either,” Shige retorted. “You were a minor!”
Tegoshi didn’t reply and there was a sudden pause.
“Are you angry?” he asked after a minute. “It’s ok if you are. We could have angry sex and get it out of the way.”
“No, I just... I don’t know,” Shige sighed rubbing his temple. “I’m not exactly happy about it but… I’m not angry. I’m not going to judge you for your past. It’s only now that matters.”
Tegoshi looked at him silently for a while, then ran his hand up Shige’s arm.
“What is this? I told you I’m not angry.”
“I know,” Tegoshi said putting his hand is Shige’s hair and drawing him closer, “But we can still have not angry sex.”
Standing in front of his big mirror, the man tried to shake off the odd anxiety that was creeping in on the edge of his mind. Tegoshi turned this way and that to evaluate his appearance. If he was going to make a comeback, he had to at least make sure he left an impression.
He wore tight blue jeans, leather boots and the new leather jacket. He styled his hair in a carefully calculated messy manner and used just a hint of eyeliner for dramatic effect.
Giving his reflection one final glance, Tegoshi nodded to himself and hurried downstairs where Shige was already waiting for him.
“What?” Shige asked nervously when the other man kept staring at him from the passenger’s seat.
“Do you have any idea how hot you look?”
Tegoshi was ready for the tight pants complimenting the man’s long slender legs, he was ready for the new dress shirt with top button left unbuttoned to reveal the tantalizing clavicles. But he was not ready for Shige’s hair styled just so accentuating his sharp features, nor the small silver stud in his ear.
“If I wasn’t so adverse to car sex, I’d jump you right now.”
Shige muttered something in response and Tegoshi laughed enjoying his embarrassment.
When they parked Shige was about to open the car door but Tegoshi took a hold of his arm.
“Shige.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No,” Tegoshi replied but he didn’t move. “You know, you don’t have to tell people about… you know, about us.”
“I’m not going to lie.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Just…” Tegoshi really wished he was better with words.
“It’s fine. I get it. I won’t talk about it unless I’m asked,” Shige said and got out of the car.
It felt familiar and odd at the same time. People were passing by, their eyes narrowing as they tried to identify him, then widening in surprise as they did. Tegoshi could see some of them whispering to each other but frankly he didn’t care.
Shige got dragged away by a friend as soon as they stepped inside so now he was on his own. Getting himself a drink, Tegoshi stopped and looked around. The loud music, the drunk people, the debauchery, it just didn’t look that appealing anymore. It hasn’t been 5 minutes since they got here, but he already felt like leaving. He could see Shige across the room talking to a few girls who were obviously interested in more than just his opinion on the latest trends in contemporary art house cinema. Tegoshi smirked to himself.
“So glad you made it. I was beginning to think you’d changed your mind.”
Tegoshi flinched slightly. Yukio always seemed to appear out of nowhere like a Cheshire cat.
“Hello.”
“Where’s your prince?” The man asked lighting a cigarette. Tegoshi watched the orange dot flicker with jealousy.
“Talking to commoners.”
“You don’t seem to be having fun.”
“What do you want?” Tegoshi asked. He was getting tired of these games. He expected some kind of smartass comeback but instead the man leaned in close to his ear.
“I miss you, babe,” Yukio said in a low voice that he knew had the right effect on him. “You know I just care about you.”
“No,” Tegoshi shook his head taking a step back. “We’ve been through this before. There’s nothing you can give me.”
“Oh, and he has?” Yukio’s face that looked almost genuine a second ago was now back to its usual smirk. “What’s so good about him that you act like a little love-stuck girl?”
“Many things,” Tegoshi said ignoring the mocking tone of the question.
“Like what?”
“He looks at me like I'm special, not just a piece of meat.”
“Oh, I'm sure he fell for your brains and high moral values.”
“What the hell do you know?” Tegoshi exclaimed, his eyes flashing with anger.
“Easy, babe. You don’t want to make a scene, now do you?” Yukio was smirking satisfied that his words finally hit home.
“Well,” Tegoshi said regaining his composure, “Maybe we’ll break up tomorrow or maybe we’ll grow old together, I don’t know. All I know is that now I’m happy. And if you really care about me, like you say you do, just accept it.” With that he turned around and walked away.
Tegoshi scanned the crowd searching for Shige. He just wanted to leave now, all reasons be damned. As he walked through one of the rooms slowly, he felt a presence next to him and turned around to see a tall young man that looked vaguely familiar.
“Hey. Long time no see,” the man slurred. He reeked of alcohol.
“Hello,” Tegoshi said trying to figure out how to escape the conversation.
“How’s it going? What’s up with your hair? Looks boring.”
“Just like this party,” Tegoshi said and the man stopped for a moment, but then resumed his endeavors.
“Yeah. So how about we go to my place and have some real fun?”
“Not interested.” Tegoshi said trying to walk away but the man followed him.
“Come on now, don’t be a tease. Last time you said you loved it.”
“I said a lot of stupid things,” Tegoshi retorted but he was not ready when his shoulder was harshly pushed.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you little bitch! You think you can treat me like that, huh?”
There were heads turning in their direction but the man didn’t bother to keep his voice down.
“Don’t touch me, you creep!” Tegoshi warned menacingly.
“Why? Everyone already did. You’re just a dirty slut!”
Tegoshi didn’t even notice when Shige got there but the next thing he knew he was right in front of him landing a solid punch to the man’s jaw. The latter stumbled back, his eyes dazed. In a moment, there were people all around, supporting him and holding Shige back. It felt like time slowed down for a few seconds and then sped up, the sounds and colours blurring.
Tegoshi couldn’t really remember how they walked down the stairs and into the street. It was pitch dark outside and strangely quiet. They didn’t stop walking for about a block until he saw a bench under a lone streetlight and dragged Shige towards it.
“Damn, it hurts,” Shige noted rubbing his left fist.
“Have you never punched anyone?”
Shige shook his head.
“You’re so stupid!” Tegoshi suddenly shouted leaping to his feet.
“What?” Shige looked up utterly confused.
“Why did you have to do it?!” Tegoshi shouted.
“What was I supposed to do? Stand there and watch that jerk insult you?”
“I’ve heard worse,” Tegoshi said. “I could handle it myself. You didn't need to play hero.”
“You really think I could stay away from this?” Shige said. He looked hurt. “I didn’t even have time to think, I just…”
“You’re so good, you don’t even know how good you are,” Tegoshi muttered pacing around.
“Yuya?”
“I’ve earned myself a reputation,” Tegoshi continued bitterly, “but I didn’t care. I was ready to live with it but you… You don’t have to go through this.”
“Hey, it’s ok.”
“No, it’s not! I don’t want you to see your friends stop calling you, your parents look at you in disappointment.”
“It’s not going to happen-”
“You don’t know that!” Tegoshi shouted his voice cracking. “People are never as accepting as they think they are.”
Shige caught his arm pulling him to sit down on the bench next to him. Tegoshi didn’t resist but he kept talking.
“If only I weren’t so selfish…”
“You weren’t-”
“You don’t understand,” Tegoshi said looking up, his face wet with tears. “It’s never gonna be the same. I tried, I tried to keep you away from this but now it’s no use and what do I do now? I should have walked away while I still could, I should have left but now I love you and I just-”
He didn’t get to finish as Shige pulled him closer and silenced him with a searing kiss. When it ended, Tegoshi was pulled firmly against his chest. The man fell silent, he just put arms around Shige’s waist and sobbed quietly into his shirt. Shige held him until his breathing became even.
“You ok?” Shige asked as they sat in the car.
Tegoshi nodded trying to wipe his eyes without making a mess. Eyeliner was a really bad idea.
“Thank you.”
“Huh?” Shige looked at him but he turned his face away.
“For punching that guy.”
“But didn’t you tell me I was stupid for doing it?” Shige asked with a smile.
“You were. But it also made me happy.”
Shige took his hand and squeezed it.
“You can stay at my place tonight,” he said.
“Thank you but... can you just take me home?”
“Sure,” Shige nodded but Tegoshi could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment.
The road to his house was silent but Tegoshi felt strangely relaxed watching the light and shadow play on Shige’s face.
“The parking lot is there,” he said as they approached his apartment building.
“It’s ok, I’ll just drop you off and-”
“But maybe you want to come it for a bit?” Tegoshi said finally meeting his eyes.
“Ok.”
Tegoshi’s apartment was quite spacious for a Tokyo student living alone but it looked fairly normal. The only thing that set it apart was a big chandelier in the living room. Tegoshi didn’t turn on the lights but the moonlight streaming through the big windows lit up the room. He always thought he completely lacked romantic sense but even he could feel it was a perfect setting for what was about to happen.
Shige stopped in the middle of the living room waiting until Tegoshi came up to him silently, took his hand and led him to the bedroom. The bedroom was small and neat. Most of it was occupied by a big double bed which was now cast in moonlight, the white sheets seemingly glowing.
There was no hesitation but no rush either. They didn’t stop for a moment, didn’t stumble once, it all run smoothly like a well-adjusted mechanism. Shige was a lot bolder now, he knew exactly where to kiss and where to touch, which item of clothing to remove at what time. They seemed to have found a perfect rhythm, one only the two of them could feel.
It was a bit like their first time but now their bodies were familiar with each other and seemed to move on their own accord, reaching and touching and tasting. It was not a battle for dominance, but a graceful dance, a dialogue without words, but then Tegoshi never trusted words anyway.
Their clothes falling to the floor, they slowly moved on to the bed. The room was quiet save from the sounds of two breaths and occasional moans echoing off the walls. Tegoshi never felt more naked as Shige was kissing his stomach and caressing his thighs. Reaching out he pulled his lover up for an ardent kiss.
As good as this was, it wasn’t enough. Tegoshi didn’t need to say anything though, Shige felt it too. Pulling away long enough to find what they needed felt like hours but it didn’t take long for them to get ready. Shige knew what to do now, his fingers firm but gentle. It was only when he was seated firmly inside, that he paused. Looking into his lover’s eyes he said “You’re not alone. I’m here. I’m right here.” Tegoshi only smiled pulling him down for a gentle kiss and they began to move.
Slow deep thrusts had Tegoshi moan low in his throat. He had one hand on the headboard and one holding on to his lover’s shoulder while his right leg was firmly hooked around Shige’s back.
Tegoshi wasn’t new to this, he’s had his fair share of lovers and yet… With Shige something was entirely different. It felt like he could reach someplace deep inside him, somewhere nobody could ever reach before, as if the man brushed against his very soul. Suddenly, all the emotions he’s been holding back for years, the longing and affection and pain, washed over him at once. He didn’t even know he could feel so much, he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was cathartic.
Tegoshi’s back arched off the bed, his breathing erratic. He pulled Shige closer wanting to see his face before the orgasm claimed him.
It was no surprise, really, that they climaxed moments apart, Tegoshi holding on to Shige for dear life as waves of pleasure rolled over him. Even as the tremble subsided, they didn’t move for a whole minute. Then, ever so slowly, as if afraid to break the spell, they disconnected their bodies. For a moment Tegoshi felt a strange anxiety, but then Shige lay down beside him, pulled him closer letting him put his limbs around him, and it was good again.
“It wasn’t just a calculation.” Tegoshi said suddenly as they lay reveling in the afterglow. Tegoshi’s bed was king-sized but the men’s bodies were pressed together even tighter than before.
“What?” Shige looked at him sleepy and confused.
“The reason I came to you that day, it wasn’t just calculation.”
“I know,” Shige replied gently stroking his hair.
It was the last thing Tegoshi heard before he fell into a deep slumber.
“Should I drop you off here?” Shige asked as the car approached the university.
“No, you can stop near the gates.”
When Shige parked the car, the other man stepped out but didn’t leave. He just stood there, hands in the pockets of his long coat. Killing the engine Shige unfastened the seat belt hastily and got out as well.
“Something wrong?” he asked but the man just shook his head smiling at him.
“Thank you for the ride. See you later,” Tegoshi said leaning in for a goodbye kiss before turning around and walking towards the campus.
Pairings: Shige/Tegoshi
Rating: NC-17
A/N: This is a sequel to my earlier work, Wants and Needs.
“Can you drop me off here, please?” Tegoshi asked as Shige’s car approached the campus. He was wearing tight black jeans and a long striped red and black sweater.
“Why? Isn’t the university parking lot further down the road?”
“Yes, I just wanted to get a few things on the way.”
“Sure,” Shige said stopping the car.
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” Tegoshi swung the bag over his shoulder and got out of the car.
“Have a nice day!” Shige nearly shouted but the man was already too far to hear.
Tegoshi walked with quick steps until he reached the gates. Once he was on campus, he stopped looking at his watch. He was early.
“Hi, Yuya.” Tegoshi turned around to see a pale young foreigner. He didn’t respond.
“I like your new hair,” the man tried again, “Very... modern.”
“Goodbye, Jake,” Tegoshi said turning and attempting to walk away but the man caught up with him.
“Hey, wait. I was just thinking. Maybe we could... you know...”
“No,” Tegoshi stopped abruptly facing the guy. “It is not happening. We slept once and that's it. Stop acting like we're friends.” He turned around and walked towards the library without looking back.
The lectures seemed particularly boring that day. Tegoshi couldn’t wait for it to be over but time ran torturously slow. His mind drifted off to soft hands and gentle lips and he had to stop himself to avoid getting hard in class.
“I thought you had other plans for tonight,” Shige noted. He was standing at the counter finishing dinner.
“Yeah,” Tegoshi said hugging one knee that was pulled up to his chest. “I just... wanted to see you.”
“Well, I’m glad,” Shige smiled.
Tegoshi didn’t say anything mesmerized by Shige’s deft hands expertly cutting vegetables.
“Hey, listen,” Shige said after a few minutes of silence, “My friend has a house in Gunma, it’s really nice there this time of year. He said we could come for the weekend.”
“That’s nice but… I don’t feel like going.”
“I thought you’d be glad to go somewhere. It would be fun.”
“Maybe next time,” Tegoshi said without looking at Shige.
“What do you want to do then?”
“I dunno. We can just stay here. Watch some movies and stuff. You said you wanted to show me some the other day.”
“Ok, we’ll do that then,” Shige smiled.
Tegoshi woke up with a start. He didn’t remember having a bad dream but somehow he was wide awake. He slowly disentangled himself from the sleeping man beside him. Carefully placing his feet on the floor, he saw the moon was almost full shining right through the window. He was about to get up, but he lingered looking back at his lover. Shige looked so peaceful and Tegoshi thought it was a pity he might never really see just how beautiful he was. Quietly, he put his pants on and began to rummage through his bag. Finally finding what he was looking for, he quietly slipped to the balcony.
The first inhale felt so good, especially on a cold night like this and Tegoshi closed his eyes blowing out the smoke in a thin stream. He was almost done when the balcony door opened and closed quietly.
“I thought you’d quit,” Shige said looking at the thin cigarette in Tegoshi’s hand. It wasn’t a reproach, just an observation.
“I’m trying to. Sorry, I-” Tegoshi began stubbing out the fag quickly.
“It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize,” Shige interrupted stepping behind the shorter man and embracing his torso with one arm. Tegoshi instantly relaxed resting against his chest.
“I will quit though,” Tegoshi said.
“Ok.”
They stood in silence until the moon disappeared behind thick clouds, then went back to bed.
The cafeteria was oddly empty at this hour, Tegoshi noted as he looked around waiting for his meal to be served. Lately, he was always dining alone and it seemed today would be no exception. However, as he took his tray and was about to go find a quiet corner to eat, he was startled by a familiar voice.
“It's not nice to forget old friends.” The man looked like he was in his early 40’s. He had expensive accessories and a small stylish beard.
“We’ve never been friends,” Tegoshi replied walking towards the tables closest to the window.
“That hurts, you know,” said the man following him. “I haven’t seen you in months and this is how you greet me?” He fished a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, took one and lit it.
“You’re not supposed to smoke here,” Tegoshi noted but the man ignored him taking the opposite seat.
“Well, look at you,” the man said examining Tegoshi’s outfit. “So plain. Where is the glamour, the flair?”
“Fuck off, Yukio.”
“How rude. What happened to the sweet little boy who used to call me “Yuki-chan”?”
“He died,” Tegoshi replied coldly.
“Now now, sugar, don't be so dramatic.”
Tegoshi scowled. He knew this moment would come but he always mentally delayed it.
“Why the fuck are you even here?” he said looking at the man.
“I just had some business in the area, thought I’d go pay you a visit since you don’t return my calls.”
“We have nothing to talk about,” Tegoshi said. “Besides, I have a boyfriend now,” he added quietly. It sounded kind of sheepish, even to himself.
“So I heard. What a lucky chap. Never thought you'd really go for it. He must fuck you really well.”
“Shut up.”
“So where’d you find him?” Yukio asked taking a deep drag. He looked mildly interested.
“We met at a friend’s party,” Tegoshi replied dryly.
“How ordinary.”
“What did you expect to hear? The men’s bathroom?”
“Wait,” Yukio said looking at the younger man’s face, “Don't tell me he's straight.”
Tegoshi did not reply.
“Really? Didn't you say you're never getting with a straight guy again?”
“He's different,” Tegoshi said in a low voice.
“Oh, of course he is,” Yukio mocked. “You know, you sound like a teenage girl. You try to act tough but you’re still so naïve.”
“I’ve had enough lectures today. I don’t need yours.”
“You used to like them. Though you always preferred the practical lessons,” The man smirked.
“You make me sick.”
“Don't say that, baby. We had such good times.” Yukio leaned in and stroked the younger man's cheek but Tegoshi turned away from the touch.
“Don't tell me you really believe it would last,” Yukio said his voice finally getting serious, “You and I, we're one of a kind. That stuff just ain’t for us.”
“Maybe it won’t but at least I’ll know I tried.”
“Fair enough,” the man said finally getting up, “Well, when you get bored of playing that game, you know where to find me.”
It was five minutes after Yukio left that Tegoshi dialed a familiar number.
“Hey. What's up? Can we meet tonight? Okay. I'll come over. See you then.”
As soon as the door closed, Tegoshi rushed into the man's arms.
“Hey. You alright?” Shige asked.
Tegoshi just nodded into his chest.
“Sure?”
“Yes,” the man replied finally looking up. “Kiss me.”
“What?”
“Just kiss me now.”
When Shige didn’t respond, Tegoshi kissed him instead, hard and deep, sucking the breath right out of him. They stumbled to the bedroom Tegoshi nearly ripping Shige’s clothes eager to feel the warm skin underneath. Shige let him, helping with buttons and zippers that were in the way.
As they reached the bed, he pushed Shige to sit at the edge and immediately straddled him reclaiming his lips once again. Tegoshi’s hands were roaming all over the other man’s body, his mouth not resting a moment. Still, it was not enough so he began to move his hips groaning at the delicious friction it created.
Tegoshi whined when Shige grabbed his hips stilling him. Hastily removing the rest of their clothes, Tegoshi pushed at the man’s shoulders until he was lying on his back and sat on top of him. He felt Shige shiver as he leaned forward to rummage in the bedside table. The preparation was short, Tegoshi couldn’t wait another minute to feel the man inside him. Positioning himself, he held Shige’s length firmly and sunk on it making them both gasp. He didn’t wait to adjust either, swiftly rising and falling back down again, leaning back just so to make sure he hit that sweet spot inside of him that made him see stars.
Shige let him set the pace holding on to his hips firmly. He could see his lover struggle to keep his eyes open as he rode him relentlessly, bouncing up and down. It was so good but Tegoshi knew it wouldn’t last. Orgasm hit him suddenly, sending electric shocks of pleasure through his body. He could feel Shige was on the edge too so he tried to clench his muscles even harder watching the man’s face as he came undone beneath him.
Finally spent, he collapsed forward into Shige’s waiting arms.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” Shige asked as the two were catching their breath.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Tegoshi replied. Sometimes he wished his lover was just a little more dense. He wanted to slide next to Shige but the bed was way too narrow so he just put his head on his chest. Shige didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Tegoshi relaxed thinking he just let it slide.
“Relationship isn't just exclusive rights to sex, you know. It's also sharing things, talking about stuff.”
“We talk,” Tegoshi retorted without looking up.
“Yes, but not about the things that matter.”
“You're a weird guy,” Tegoshi said groaning and dislodging himself from Shige slightly to lie on his side. “Most men dream about having all the sex they want and never talking about it.”
“So maybe I'm weird then. But you chose me so that makes you weird too.”
Tegoshi laughed heartily swatting Shige’s chest.
“Remember when we started dating you told me you couldn’t promise me much,” Shige said suddenly getting serious. “You said you didn’t know if we would work out, if we would last, that you wouldn’t be surprised if it went horribly wrong and we’d end up hating each other. Yet, you said you could promise me one thing - that you would always be honest with me. If there would be someone else or…” Shige looked away taking a deep breath.
“There isn’t,” Tegoshi said firmly putting his hand on top of Shige’s. He waited until Shige’s eyes met his to continue. “I only want you.”
“Ok then. Good.” Shige tried to keep it cool but Tegoshi could feel the tension in his body ease. He was about to fall asleep when the man spoke again.
“Does it scare you? You know, of being attached?”
“No, I just… it complicates things so much,” Tegoshi said looking at the ceiling. “If you really open up to a person, share the things you like and hate, share your deepest fears and desires… it leaves you vulnerable. You may think you will be close forever but most of the time that isn’t true. Of course, nobody wants to think their relationship might fail, nobody wants to imagine things getting ugly. But the truth is, more often than not they do. And then at best, things that used to mean the world to you become useless, emotional garbage. At worst, you end up hating yourself for thinking about someone you wish to forget. It’s like everything around you - food, songs, places, words are poisoned with this person. I never really thought about it, but I guess that’s why I never bring anyone home…” Tegoshi stopped at this realization turning to Shige. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so cynical…”
“No, you’re just being honest. I like that about you,” Shige said. “But if you feel that way why did you decide to come to me that day?”
Tegoshi sighed. “I kept thinking about us and I thought of all the people looking for someone to be with. You know, even straight people struggle so much and they have the best selection. Gay men can only choose from other gay men and that’s 5% at best. Then, even out of those 5% there aren’t many that are seeking a relationship. And those who do are mostly passive and want to be taken care of. So I thought: what are the odds of meeting someone who’s smart and hot and nice? What are the odds that you’ll want them and they’ll want you back? How foolish would it be to throw that away?”
“So it was just a calculation,” Shige said but he was smirking.
“I guess. A very good one, don’t you think?” Tegoshi said as he rose up slowly and climbed on top of Shige to sit on his stomach. He wasn’t even sleepy anymore so might as well…
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Shige said pulling him back down and pinning him to the bed.
Tegoshi wondered what was it that he filled his time with before. The lectures ended early and now slowly walking down the university street he was trying to decide what to do with the rest of the day.
He could catch up with some friends but looking through the contacts in his phone, he couldn’t find anyone he really wanted to see. The clubs? It was way too early for that but even if it wasn’t he hasn’t been to one in weeks. He didn’t feel like it. Besides, everyone knew the clubs were mostly for hooking up and he didn’t seek that now. Maybe the gym? That seemed like a good idea and Tegoshi sped up his pace pleased with his decision. He used to go two or three times a week but lately nothing was like before.
Tegoshi grabbed a water bottle wiping his face and neck with a towel. He’d missed this. It’s wasn’t just the vanity or trying to keep in shape, he loved the slight burn or muscles as he put them to use, it made him feel alive and helped to clear his head. He would probably wake up sore the next day, but it would be worth it.
Glancing at the clock revealed it was 5.03 PM. Taking his phone, Tegoshi dialed a number but canceled before the call went through. For a minute he sat with a phone is his hand, contemplating. Finally settling for a text, he put the phone away. As he was about to get back to his workout, the phone began to ring.
“Hey.” Shige’s voice sounded low and it rang pleasantly in Tegoshi’s ear.
“Hi.”
“About tonight… I promised my friends I would meet them at this restaurant not far from here.”
“Oh, I see.”
“But you can come too. They’ll be glad to-”
“No, it’s fine, you have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tegoshi said slowly putting the phone down.
“Need a refill?” the barman asked smiling mysteriously. Tegoshi knew that smile well.
The night was still young and the bar was packed with drunken office workers and noisy students. Friday night held so many possibilities and yet none of them seemed appealing at the moment.
“No, thanks,” Tegoshi said firmly. He left a bill on the counter, got up and walked out.
On Saturday night Tegoshi came over to Shige’s place as they agreed. They drank red wine and Shige made him watch one of his favourite movies - an old black and white French film. It was really long too and Tegoshi began to yawn halfway through. He didn’t really mind though as Shige let him pretty much sit in his lap. The other man was really into it though, he was watching the screen with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape and every time Tegoshi got a little bored, he watched him instead.
“You hated it, didn’t you?” Shige asked when the titles slowly rolled down a black screen.
“No. I mean it was… different.”
“You don’t have to pretend. It’s my fault, I should have known it’s not your thing,” Shige said looking apologetic.
“It’s fine, really. I had a good time. Thank you for sharing.”
Shige looked at him curiously.
“What?” Tegoshi asked but instead of answering, Shige shifted quickly pressing him down with his body until he was on his back. Then he leaned in for a kiss. Tegoshi expected passion but the kiss was slow and deep and so so good. It was the kind of kiss no stranger could ever give you, no matter how good he was and Tegoshi felt a little intoxicated. Minutes trickled by but Shige didn’t try to speed up or remove his clothes. He just moved his lips and tongue slowly driving Tegoshi mad with want and something much deeper. He told himself it must be the wine because his head was spinning.
“Yes, just like that…” Tegoshi was on his back while Shige was moving inside him slowly, one leg over his shoulder. Tegoshi always loved it fast and hard but Shige made him really appreciate the wonders of slow and deep. Shige never broke the rhythm holding Tegoshi’s body firmly, moving it to adjust their position to find just the right angle to drive him mad with pleasure.
Tegoshi’s had many lovers but nobody touched him quite like Shige did. There was a reverence in the way he kissed his neck and even when he tried to be a little rough there was an underlying gentleness in his touch.
For years Tegoshi learned to separate sex from feelings of affection, built a high wall between the two but Shige was chipping at it, bit by bit.
When Tegoshi woke up, Shige was nowhere to be seen. Figuring out he must have went out to buy something, he stretched and he went to shower. Just as he was done, he heard the front door close. It was a perfect opportunity.
Stepping out of the bathroom quietly he saw Shige in the kitchen. Still naked, Tegoshi leaned against the doorframe, putting one arm just above his head and bending one leg at the knee. It only took about a minute for Shige to spot him, his already big eyes widening in surprise. Tegoshi smirked.
“Could you please put some clothes on?” Shige said eyes down.
“Why? There’s nothing you haven’t seen,” Tegoshi replied finally leaving his position and coming over to his lover.
“It’s distracting.” Shige tried his best to hide his embarrassment but his cheeks looked slightly flushed. Tegoshi found it incredibly cute.
“Really?” he replied with a question moving behind Shige and pressing his naked body firmly against his. “Then why don’t you allow yourself be distracted?” he said right into his ear in a low voice as his hand sneaked down Shige’s torso.
It was way past noon but the two men were still in bed. Or, to be precise, in bed again.
“Not bad. For a straight boy anyway.”
Shige raised one eyebrow and Tegoshi couldn’t help but laugh.
“Are you hungry?” Shige asked.
“A little.”
“I’ll go make something for lunch.”
“No,” Tegoshi said firmly. His limbs were all around Shige gripping him tightly. “Just a bit more,” he added quietly.
“Ok.”
They kissed slowly and leisurely, Shige sucking on Tegoshi’s lower lip and running his hands over his naked shoulders.
“You took me on a trip after all,” Tegoshi said gently breaking the kiss.
He never dreaded Monday more.
“So how’s the married life?” The small ramen store was crowded and the young man almost shouted to be heard. Tegoshi rolled his eyes at the question.
“Good”.
“I mean, who would have thought that you of all people would get tied down?” The man said excitedly. “You were so vocal about being free and keeping it fun.”
“That’s what I believed at the time. Now it’s different. People who never change their views are cowardly and boring.”
“Now that sounds more like you,” The man laughed. “But you’re, like, really exclusive?” he asked leaning over the table. Tegoshi’s hope for a fun evening with an old friend was rapidly fading. He knew the man didn’t mean to annoy him, he was just curious. Hell, he himself would be too several months ago. But now being questioned like this felt like torture.
“We are.”
“Oh, come on! How long has it been? Don’t you want to go and have a little adventure once in a while?” the man winked at him. Tegoshi took a sip of his beer taking a moment to look inside himself and make sure his answer was sincere.
“Not really.”
The man kept looking at him clearly expecting him to elaborate.
“Why would I want a quick fuck in a back room with some dude who just wants to stick his dick in me if I can have it any time and any way I want with someone who really wants to make me feel good?” Tegoshi frowned at how primitive he sounded but the other’s man face lit up.
“Damn, he really must be something then!” his friend said raising his eyebrows. “You know, you should bring him in sometime, let us look at him. There’s gonna be this event at ‘Flashlight’ on Sunday, it will be grand. Here, I have a flyer.”
“Uh, I’ll think about it,” Tegoshi said looking at the piece of paper depicting two scantily clad buff men promising “the best time of your life”.
It was dark when Tegoshi stepped out of the shop. He walked a block slowly without realizing he was heading the wrong way. On the corner he took the flyer out of his pocket and dropped it into a trash can.
“We’re going to Jun’s birthday party,” Shige said suddenly making Tegoshi look up from the magazine he was holding.
“What?”
“He asked me so I thought it would be good. You haven’t gone out much since we got together. I thought you’d be happy.” Shige was folding his clothes and putting them neatly into the wardrobe.
“Well, I…” Tegoshi looked down more confused by his own feelings than Shige’s words.
“You know I’m beginning to think you don’t want to be seen with me.” Shige finally closed the wardrobe sitting at the edge of the bed.
“It’s not like that,” Tegoshi said putting a hand on Shige’s forearm.
“We’ve been spending so much time at home lately. And I am happy with that but... I know you like going out, and I don’t want you to give up on that because of me. So I thought I’d go with you.” Tegoshi didn’t reply. “But if you don’t want to I’ll just call him and-”
“No, it’s fine. Let’s go,” Tegoshi said. “But I have one condition.”
“Look, I’m grateful for your concern but I have plenty of things to wear,” Shige said as they entered yet another clothing store.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re hot and all but you kind of dress like a grandpa.”
“I do not!” Shige protested.
“Look, I just want everyone to see what they were missing all this time. Here, try these on,” Tegoshi said giving Shige a pair of stylish jeans.
“They took too tight.”
“Good.”
Two hours and a dozen shops later Tegoshi was finally satisfied with Shige’s outfit but so he thought he might as well get a few things for himself.
“How is this?” he asked putting a leather jacket against his chest.
“Nice,” Shige replied. Tegoshi noted there was a slight glint in his eyes.
“I’m going to try it on. Also a few shirts. Most of my old ones look weird with this hair.”
“Don’t you miss it?”
“What?” Tegoshi asked without looking away from the mirror.
“Your blond hair and all.”
“It’s fine. I’ve always wanted to try a rock style anyway. Why, you don’t like it?”
“No, no. I mean, any style looks good on you. I just don’t want you to change who you are because of me.”
“Who said it was because of you? A change of style is always good, it doesn’t let you go stale,” Tegoshi smirked. He was definitely keeping the jacket.
“I’m sure that’s something you won’t have to worry about ever.”
“And besides,” Tegoshi added, “I’m always me no matter how I look or what I do. Who else would I be?”
Shige looked at him with fondness and it seemed like he was about to say something else when they were startled by a man’s voice.
“Yuya!” Tegoshi cringed instantly recognizing the voice.
“Hello.”
“What a pleasant surprise!” Yukio enveloped him in a hug that lasted a second longer than it should have. Shige looked more curious than concerned waiting to be introduced.
“Um, Shige, this is Yukio, my old friend. Yukio, this is Shige-”
“You must be the boyfriend.” Yukio said eyeing the man up and down. “Well, Yuya always had a good taste.”
“Nice to meet you,” Shige said holding out his hand.
“Oh, it’s a pleasure for me too. I heard so much about you.”
“Really?” Shige asked. Tegoshi could tell he felt uncomfortable from the attention.
“Yes. The guys are starting to bet if you even exist. But I can see why he wants to keep you all to himself.”
“So, Mr. …”
“Just Yukio. Yuya never mentioned me? Too bad,” Yukio said ignoring the look Tegoshi gave him.
“What do you do, Yukio?”
“Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that,” the man replied examining some shirts on the hangers.
“Anyway. A little bird told me you’ll be at the party Sunday.”
“Um, yes, we’re planning to go,” Shige said.
“That’s great, looking forward to seeing you there then,” Yukio winked and walked out of the shop.
Shige followed him with his eyes. He looked calm but Tegoshi could almost hear the cogs in his head turning.
“I’m starving,” Tegoshi said clinging to his arm. “Why don’t I go pay for the jacket and then we can go to that yakiniku place you told me about?”
Shige just nodded.
“Tell me about Yukio.”
Shige didn’t bring it up all day so now that were about to go to sleep Tegoshi was convinced he would just let it go, but he should have known the man never forgot anything. Normally, he tried to get the things out of the way as soon as possible because letting them brew in Shige’s head only made it worse, but this time he couldn’t follow his rule.
“It’s a long story.”
“I don’t mind.” Well, it was worth a try.
“Okay,” Tegoshi nodded sitting up in bed. “In middle school I was a kid with no worries. I had good grades and I spent my time off kicking the ball around. I was just another boy. Then, at some point, things began to change. My friends started to get interested in girls, go on dates and such. At first I thought I was just a little slower, but even as the time went by, nothing happened.”
“By the time I entered high school, I started to feel I was different. At lunch all the boys would discuss which girls were pretty and share dirty jokes. I pretended I was into it too. I think I was lying to myself as much as the others,” Tegoshi smiled bitterly. “But in my second year I fell for this tall guy two years senior.”
“Did you confess?” Shige asked.
“No. I wasn’t even sure how to explain my feelings to myself. I didn’t know what to do with them, I just stalked him for months. But one day as I was staring at him from afar he turned to me and motioned for me to come closer. I felt my heart race like crazy as I came up to him. Then he told me to meet him after classes.”
“There was this old run-down building behind the soccer field. I met him there. I don’t remember exactly what he said that day. He asked me if I liked him and I said I did. Then he asked if I want to make him feel really good.”
Shige made a disgruntled face.
“Yes. He made me suck him off and that was basically it. Of course, I didn’t really like it but I was also so excited he even talked to me that when he told me to come there again in a few days I did.” Tegoshi’s face was clear of anger of sadness, it looked oddly neutral, as if he was describing things that happened to someone else.
“That’s when I met Yukio. He… showed me the ropes. Taught me how to get around.”
“He taught you about sex,” Shige suggested.
“That too. But he never forced me into anything. He never hurt me.”
“You make him sound like some Samaritan,” Shige said without meeting his eyes.
“He’s not a bad person.”
“He’s not a good person either,” Shige retorted. “You were a minor!”
Tegoshi didn’t reply and there was a sudden pause.
“Are you angry?” he asked after a minute. “It’s ok if you are. We could have angry sex and get it out of the way.”
“No, I just... I don’t know,” Shige sighed rubbing his temple. “I’m not exactly happy about it but… I’m not angry. I’m not going to judge you for your past. It’s only now that matters.”
Tegoshi looked at him silently for a while, then ran his hand up Shige’s arm.
“What is this? I told you I’m not angry.”
“I know,” Tegoshi said putting his hand is Shige’s hair and drawing him closer, “But we can still have not angry sex.”
Standing in front of his big mirror, the man tried to shake off the odd anxiety that was creeping in on the edge of his mind. Tegoshi turned this way and that to evaluate his appearance. If he was going to make a comeback, he had to at least make sure he left an impression.
He wore tight blue jeans, leather boots and the new leather jacket. He styled his hair in a carefully calculated messy manner and used just a hint of eyeliner for dramatic effect.
Giving his reflection one final glance, Tegoshi nodded to himself and hurried downstairs where Shige was already waiting for him.
“What?” Shige asked nervously when the other man kept staring at him from the passenger’s seat.
“Do you have any idea how hot you look?”
Tegoshi was ready for the tight pants complimenting the man’s long slender legs, he was ready for the new dress shirt with top button left unbuttoned to reveal the tantalizing clavicles. But he was not ready for Shige’s hair styled just so accentuating his sharp features, nor the small silver stud in his ear.
“If I wasn’t so adverse to car sex, I’d jump you right now.”
Shige muttered something in response and Tegoshi laughed enjoying his embarrassment.
When they parked Shige was about to open the car door but Tegoshi took a hold of his arm.
“Shige.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No,” Tegoshi replied but he didn’t move. “You know, you don’t have to tell people about… you know, about us.”
“I’m not going to lie.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Just…” Tegoshi really wished he was better with words.
“It’s fine. I get it. I won’t talk about it unless I’m asked,” Shige said and got out of the car.
It felt familiar and odd at the same time. People were passing by, their eyes narrowing as they tried to identify him, then widening in surprise as they did. Tegoshi could see some of them whispering to each other but frankly he didn’t care.
Shige got dragged away by a friend as soon as they stepped inside so now he was on his own. Getting himself a drink, Tegoshi stopped and looked around. The loud music, the drunk people, the debauchery, it just didn’t look that appealing anymore. It hasn’t been 5 minutes since they got here, but he already felt like leaving. He could see Shige across the room talking to a few girls who were obviously interested in more than just his opinion on the latest trends in contemporary art house cinema. Tegoshi smirked to himself.
“So glad you made it. I was beginning to think you’d changed your mind.”
Tegoshi flinched slightly. Yukio always seemed to appear out of nowhere like a Cheshire cat.
“Hello.”
“Where’s your prince?” The man asked lighting a cigarette. Tegoshi watched the orange dot flicker with jealousy.
“Talking to commoners.”
“You don’t seem to be having fun.”
“What do you want?” Tegoshi asked. He was getting tired of these games. He expected some kind of smartass comeback but instead the man leaned in close to his ear.
“I miss you, babe,” Yukio said in a low voice that he knew had the right effect on him. “You know I just care about you.”
“No,” Tegoshi shook his head taking a step back. “We’ve been through this before. There’s nothing you can give me.”
“Oh, and he has?” Yukio’s face that looked almost genuine a second ago was now back to its usual smirk. “What’s so good about him that you act like a little love-stuck girl?”
“Many things,” Tegoshi said ignoring the mocking tone of the question.
“Like what?”
“He looks at me like I'm special, not just a piece of meat.”
“Oh, I'm sure he fell for your brains and high moral values.”
“What the hell do you know?” Tegoshi exclaimed, his eyes flashing with anger.
“Easy, babe. You don’t want to make a scene, now do you?” Yukio was smirking satisfied that his words finally hit home.
“Well,” Tegoshi said regaining his composure, “Maybe we’ll break up tomorrow or maybe we’ll grow old together, I don’t know. All I know is that now I’m happy. And if you really care about me, like you say you do, just accept it.” With that he turned around and walked away.
Tegoshi scanned the crowd searching for Shige. He just wanted to leave now, all reasons be damned. As he walked through one of the rooms slowly, he felt a presence next to him and turned around to see a tall young man that looked vaguely familiar.
“Hey. Long time no see,” the man slurred. He reeked of alcohol.
“Hello,” Tegoshi said trying to figure out how to escape the conversation.
“How’s it going? What’s up with your hair? Looks boring.”
“Just like this party,” Tegoshi said and the man stopped for a moment, but then resumed his endeavors.
“Yeah. So how about we go to my place and have some real fun?”
“Not interested.” Tegoshi said trying to walk away but the man followed him.
“Come on now, don’t be a tease. Last time you said you loved it.”
“I said a lot of stupid things,” Tegoshi retorted but he was not ready when his shoulder was harshly pushed.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you little bitch! You think you can treat me like that, huh?”
There were heads turning in their direction but the man didn’t bother to keep his voice down.
“Don’t touch me, you creep!” Tegoshi warned menacingly.
“Why? Everyone already did. You’re just a dirty slut!”
Tegoshi didn’t even notice when Shige got there but the next thing he knew he was right in front of him landing a solid punch to the man’s jaw. The latter stumbled back, his eyes dazed. In a moment, there were people all around, supporting him and holding Shige back. It felt like time slowed down for a few seconds and then sped up, the sounds and colours blurring.
Tegoshi couldn’t really remember how they walked down the stairs and into the street. It was pitch dark outside and strangely quiet. They didn’t stop walking for about a block until he saw a bench under a lone streetlight and dragged Shige towards it.
“Damn, it hurts,” Shige noted rubbing his left fist.
“Have you never punched anyone?”
Shige shook his head.
“You’re so stupid!” Tegoshi suddenly shouted leaping to his feet.
“What?” Shige looked up utterly confused.
“Why did you have to do it?!” Tegoshi shouted.
“What was I supposed to do? Stand there and watch that jerk insult you?”
“I’ve heard worse,” Tegoshi said. “I could handle it myself. You didn't need to play hero.”
“You really think I could stay away from this?” Shige said. He looked hurt. “I didn’t even have time to think, I just…”
“You’re so good, you don’t even know how good you are,” Tegoshi muttered pacing around.
“Yuya?”
“I’ve earned myself a reputation,” Tegoshi continued bitterly, “but I didn’t care. I was ready to live with it but you… You don’t have to go through this.”
“Hey, it’s ok.”
“No, it’s not! I don’t want you to see your friends stop calling you, your parents look at you in disappointment.”
“It’s not going to happen-”
“You don’t know that!” Tegoshi shouted his voice cracking. “People are never as accepting as they think they are.”
Shige caught his arm pulling him to sit down on the bench next to him. Tegoshi didn’t resist but he kept talking.
“If only I weren’t so selfish…”
“You weren’t-”
“You don’t understand,” Tegoshi said looking up, his face wet with tears. “It’s never gonna be the same. I tried, I tried to keep you away from this but now it’s no use and what do I do now? I should have walked away while I still could, I should have left but now I love you and I just-”
He didn’t get to finish as Shige pulled him closer and silenced him with a searing kiss. When it ended, Tegoshi was pulled firmly against his chest. The man fell silent, he just put arms around Shige’s waist and sobbed quietly into his shirt. Shige held him until his breathing became even.
“You ok?” Shige asked as they sat in the car.
Tegoshi nodded trying to wipe his eyes without making a mess. Eyeliner was a really bad idea.
“Thank you.”
“Huh?” Shige looked at him but he turned his face away.
“For punching that guy.”
“But didn’t you tell me I was stupid for doing it?” Shige asked with a smile.
“You were. But it also made me happy.”
Shige took his hand and squeezed it.
“You can stay at my place tonight,” he said.
“Thank you but... can you just take me home?”
“Sure,” Shige nodded but Tegoshi could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment.
The road to his house was silent but Tegoshi felt strangely relaxed watching the light and shadow play on Shige’s face.
“The parking lot is there,” he said as they approached his apartment building.
“It’s ok, I’ll just drop you off and-”
“But maybe you want to come it for a bit?” Tegoshi said finally meeting his eyes.
“Ok.”
Tegoshi’s apartment was quite spacious for a Tokyo student living alone but it looked fairly normal. The only thing that set it apart was a big chandelier in the living room. Tegoshi didn’t turn on the lights but the moonlight streaming through the big windows lit up the room. He always thought he completely lacked romantic sense but even he could feel it was a perfect setting for what was about to happen.
Shige stopped in the middle of the living room waiting until Tegoshi came up to him silently, took his hand and led him to the bedroom. The bedroom was small and neat. Most of it was occupied by a big double bed which was now cast in moonlight, the white sheets seemingly glowing.
There was no hesitation but no rush either. They didn’t stop for a moment, didn’t stumble once, it all run smoothly like a well-adjusted mechanism. Shige was a lot bolder now, he knew exactly where to kiss and where to touch, which item of clothing to remove at what time. They seemed to have found a perfect rhythm, one only the two of them could feel.
It was a bit like their first time but now their bodies were familiar with each other and seemed to move on their own accord, reaching and touching and tasting. It was not a battle for dominance, but a graceful dance, a dialogue without words, but then Tegoshi never trusted words anyway.
Their clothes falling to the floor, they slowly moved on to the bed. The room was quiet save from the sounds of two breaths and occasional moans echoing off the walls. Tegoshi never felt more naked as Shige was kissing his stomach and caressing his thighs. Reaching out he pulled his lover up for an ardent kiss.
As good as this was, it wasn’t enough. Tegoshi didn’t need to say anything though, Shige felt it too. Pulling away long enough to find what they needed felt like hours but it didn’t take long for them to get ready. Shige knew what to do now, his fingers firm but gentle. It was only when he was seated firmly inside, that he paused. Looking into his lover’s eyes he said “You’re not alone. I’m here. I’m right here.” Tegoshi only smiled pulling him down for a gentle kiss and they began to move.
Slow deep thrusts had Tegoshi moan low in his throat. He had one hand on the headboard and one holding on to his lover’s shoulder while his right leg was firmly hooked around Shige’s back.
Tegoshi wasn’t new to this, he’s had his fair share of lovers and yet… With Shige something was entirely different. It felt like he could reach someplace deep inside him, somewhere nobody could ever reach before, as if the man brushed against his very soul. Suddenly, all the emotions he’s been holding back for years, the longing and affection and pain, washed over him at once. He didn’t even know he could feel so much, he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. It was cathartic.
Tegoshi’s back arched off the bed, his breathing erratic. He pulled Shige closer wanting to see his face before the orgasm claimed him.
It was no surprise, really, that they climaxed moments apart, Tegoshi holding on to Shige for dear life as waves of pleasure rolled over him. Even as the tremble subsided, they didn’t move for a whole minute. Then, ever so slowly, as if afraid to break the spell, they disconnected their bodies. For a moment Tegoshi felt a strange anxiety, but then Shige lay down beside him, pulled him closer letting him put his limbs around him, and it was good again.
“It wasn’t just a calculation.” Tegoshi said suddenly as they lay reveling in the afterglow. Tegoshi’s bed was king-sized but the men’s bodies were pressed together even tighter than before.
“What?” Shige looked at him sleepy and confused.
“The reason I came to you that day, it wasn’t just calculation.”
“I know,” Shige replied gently stroking his hair.
It was the last thing Tegoshi heard before he fell into a deep slumber.
“Should I drop you off here?” Shige asked as the car approached the university.
“No, you can stop near the gates.”
When Shige parked the car, the other man stepped out but didn’t leave. He just stood there, hands in the pockets of his long coat. Killing the engine Shige unfastened the seat belt hastily and got out as well.
“Something wrong?” he asked but the man just shook his head smiling at him.
“Thank you for the ride. See you later,” Tegoshi said leaning in for a goodbye kiss before turning around and walking towards the campus.