And the Door Opened
Title: And the Door Opened
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
A/N: This story is an AU unrelated to my main arc.
I
Tora began to wonder whether it was a good idea to come here in the first place. The tiny club was packed and he didn’t quite enjoy being smashed between drunk dudes and underage girls. But he’d promised Jun he’d come see them play sometime and he hated breaking promises.
All the bands that played so far were terribly boring. They all looked and sounded the same, a poor imitation of one of the currently popular V-Kei bands.
Tora was on his third drink when finally Jun’s band has been announced. For a few minutes the stage was dark and as the lights turned on the first thing Tora saw was the man behind the microphone. He was quite tall and slender. His clothes weren’t too flashy or vulgar like those of most singers before him. In fact he looked very trendy in his own way. He didn’t have a lot of make-up on but even without it he stood out by a mile. His big eyes accentuated with eyeliner were captivating and there was something very alluring in the way he held the microphone.
During the intro the creature on stage was swaying gracefully and Tora couldn’t tear his eyes off him. Something about the man seemed familiar and for a moment Tora felt confused. Surely he wouldn’t have forgotten such a species. But then he began to sing and Tora’s train of thought was lost.
The man’s voice was rather low and raspy but it could also hit high notes beautifully. Maybe it was a bit raw but there was so much honesty and pure feeling in it. Somehow Tora thought that with this kind of voice you could do anything. Mesmerized he promptly forgot about other band members until the performance was over.
Backstage was quite chaotic with several bands and staff going back and forth through the narrow corridors. It took some time to spot Jun but Tora finally found his friend on the staircase, smoking and talking animatedly with a guy from another band.
“You guys were pretty good tonight.” Tora said as he approached them.
“Thanks, man. Glad you finally made it. I think tonight we really had it going. It must be the new vocalist. Hey, have you met him yet? Shou, come here for a second!” he shouted into the hall which led to the dressing room. After a moment said man appeared out of the smoke and came up to them. He already changed into plain clothes but there was still something about him that made him stand out - Tora noted.
“I want to introduce you to someone.” He turned to the guitarist.
“Tora, this is Shou, our vocalist. We have big hopes for him. Shou, this is Tora. He’s a guitarist and an old friend of mine. ” As the vocalist tuned to greet Tora the man’s big eyes seemed to have grown even bigger. Maybe it was just his imagination.
“Pleasure to meet you, Shou-san.” He smiled. “I saw you sing tonight and I have to say I’m quite impressed.”
“Thank you. Nice to meet you, Tora-shi. ” Polite and formal. The man’s spoken voice was soft and a little slurred. Once again Tora felt a sense of déjà vu.
“No need to address me so formally, Shou-san.”
“It’s only normal since it’s the first time we meet.” The vocalist seemed to stress the last part of the sentence. “Sorry, I’d love to stay and talk but I have some things I need to attend to.” With that the man bowed slightly and walked away.
“Sorry, man. I wonder what’s gotten into him. Usually he’s quite friendly.” Jun said looking apologetic.
“It’s ok.” Tora replied. “Maybe he’ll be in the mood next time.”
“Ah, sure. We’ll be playing here next week.”
“Great. See you then.” Tora said as he waved his friend goodbye.
On his way home Tora couldn’t stop thinking about the quiet vocalist. The next day too. And the day after it. There was something stirring in the depths of his memory but he couldn’t quite reach it. He kept replaying that evening over and over in his head until one day it struck him.
“Shit. It can’t be.” All the pieces of a puzzle came together.
II
“Look, I’m really flattered and all, but… I don’t swing that way. Sorry, kid.” Earlier today Tora found a neatly written message in his locker asking to come to the school grounds after classes. Tora was a popular guy so this was nothing new. However, instead of a girl he was approached by a skinny boy. Tora vaguely remembered seeing him in literature class and he was clearly a bookworm so their paths seldom crossed. Graduation was approaching and Tora couldn’t wait to get the hell out of this place.
The boy just kept looking at him with his huge eyes and it was sort of creepy.
“And even if I did I really don’t think we would have worked out.”
“It’s ok. I…didn’t really expect you to return my feelings. I just… needed to say it.” Tora kind of felt sorry for the guy. But he didn’t really expect him to turn gay and lead him into the sunset.
The silence that followed was terribly awkward. The kid stared at him intently as if trying to save the image in his memory. Then he sighed.
“Well… I guess I’ll be going then.” He turned around and walked away never to be seen again.
The week dragged way too slowly for Tora’s liking. Since his last band broke up he felt restless. He never really considered going to college opting to work part-time while trying to succeed as a musician. He wasn’t sure why he even bothered with high school. He wasn’t stupid but he hated studying. The only thing Tora was good at was guitar and so he was determined to make good use of it. However, so far he was out of luck. It didn’t help that his parents kept telling him to get a proper job. Something needed to be done fast. He might get fired from yet another part-time job if his boss caught him doing the air-guitar again.
Finally it was Friday and once again Tora found himself at the tiny club. He noticed there were quite a few females looking towards the stage with anticipation. He thought he knew the reason.
He couldn’t deny his own excitement as he saw the familiar figure make his way to the microphone. The set only consisted of two songs but they were good. The lyrics weren’t some trashy meaningless bullshit he heard way too often. They were smart and elegant if a little raw, a sign of a very promising lyricist.
After the set was over Tora went straight to the small dressing room. He looked around but it was dark and quiet and he mentally cursed his shitty eyesight. Finally squinting hard he saw a figure sitting behind a dressing table.
“Kohara?”
“I'm afraid you are mistaken.” The icy voice startled him. “If you seek my band mates they're probably outside.”
Tora might have mistaken the face, but he couldn’t have forgotten that voice. He came closer only to see two big eyes glaring at him through the mirror.
“Oh, come on. I know you recognized me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I think you do. Back in high school…”
“I’m sorry, Tora-shi, but you shouldn’t be here.” The vocalist replied in a harsh tone.
“Hm, I don’t remember you being so cold.”
Shou was about to reply but at that very moment his bandmates barged in.
“Hey, Tora! What’s up?”
“Ah, nothing much. I was just talking to your vocalist.”
“Ooh! I see you two getting along? Good. Let’s go drinking!”
Shou clearly wanted to protest but he was unceremoniously dragged along.
III
Unfortunately for the vocalist Tora got along with his bandmates. Since that night he would often come to their after-gig parties and rehearsals to hang out.
“Your vocalist doesn’t drink or smoke.” Tora commented off-handedly one evening as he and Jun were sipping beer at a nearby watering hole.
“Yeah, he takes really good care of his voice. Instead he always carries around books and reads whenever he has the time. Sometimes I think he’s looking down on us. But I can’t really complain. He’s a bit strange but he’s really good at what he does, his lyrics are fucking brilliant and the chicks seem to dig him. Even some of the guys if you know what I mean” - the other guitarist added conspirationally.
“I think I do.” Tora grinned.
“Doesn’t talk much about himself and I don’t like to prod.”
Tora was straight as long as he could remember. He liked curves, pouty lips and long eyelashes. However, there was no denying that right now he was strongly attracted to this quiet man, drawn to him. Tora had to admit it was ironic considering their past but it was also exciting. Maybe it was the fact that some of Shou’s features were quite feminine - smooth pale skin, big eyes, delicate hands. He also had legs any girl would be jealous of.
But there was more to it than just appearance. Tora admired the man’s determination and dedication. Most guys in this scene were in it just for fun, enjoying the attention from the ladies and the carless lifestyle. But not Shou, he couldn’t care less about those things. He wasn’t amazingly gifted as a singer but he worked hard, practicing every day and doing all he could to improve.
And then there were Shou’s lyrics. Most of them were quite dark, stories of hardships and loneliness. But they always had some hope in them. Kind of like a single ray of light penetrating the darkness. Somehow the guitarist found it very easy to relate to.
“Guess the literature class paid off” Tora said startling the vocalist who was writing neat lines of kanji in his notepad.
“You wouldn’t know, would you?” The man replied without looking up. “How you managed to graduate without reading a single book is beyond me.” Tora laughed heartily.
“So you remember me after all.”
“So what if I do? What does it matter?” The vocalist finally looked up clearly not amused.
“Maybe I don’t like it when people act rude just because they think they’re smarter.”
“Or maybe you’re just a spoiled boy who can’t stand being ignored.” With that Shou stood up and left the room.
IV
It was a cliché, really. The colder Shou acted the more Tora felt attracted to him. He observed him, studied him like some rare fascinating animal.
He arrived at the conclusion that Shou was a walking bundle of contradictions. Gentleness combined with determination and grace with clumsiness, all meshed together and wrapped into an elegant package. He was good-looking but very self-conscious. He was very polite but never really talked to anyone unless it was work-related. He smiled and bowed and never complained about anything but the smile never quite reached his eyes. There was an aura of mystery around him and Tora wanted to know what was hiding behind it.
“He has some girls fawning over him. But he doesn’t even look their way. We suspect he might be one of those, you know.” Jun made a smug face as if he came up with something brilliant. It was another night out at the local bar and the alcohol made everyone a willing informant. “Then again he doesn’t seem to be interested in anyone at all.”
It was well after midnight and all the guys were slouched around the table completely wasted. Well, all except Shou who waited like a trapped animal for the right moment to make a run for it. At last it seemed the coast was clear. Glancing around one last time Shou took his coat and slipped through the door.
Outside it was chilly and the vocalist welcomed the fresh cold wind on his overheated skin. Watching his band mates getting wasted wasn’t exactly his idea of fun. He was about to start walking when he heard a familiar voice behind his back.
“Leaving so soon?” Looking back he saw a tall dark-haired man leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette. And there he thought the evening couldn’t get any worse.
“What’s it to you?”
“Why do you have to be so uptight when I’m around?”
“Do you want to know why?” Shou asked bitterly, “Fine, I’ll tell you.” He swiftly turned around and headed to where the other man stood. The guitarist was somewhat thrown back at by the dangerous gleam in his eyes.
“When I was younger I hated who I was. I hated my face and my name, everything about myself. I was bullied every day by stupid jocks and all I wanted was for it to be over. After graduation I worked really hard to become someone new, someone better, to forget everything that was before. Finally there were all these new people who didn’t know how I looked with braces and glasses. I could start anew, become whoever I wanted to be.” The man took a shaky breath before continuing. “But now that you’re here all the time I feel like I’m 16 again. It’s like any minute all my darkest secrets shall be revealed and everyone will see I’m a fake.” The man’s voice was unsteady.
“Shou, I wouldn’t…”
“It doesn’t matter. Just by being here you drag me back and I really don’t want to go there. Please don’t make me.”
With that the young man disappeared into the night leaving Tora standing there completely baffled.
V
It’s been a week but Tora couldn’t get that conversation out of his head. After their encounter the guitarist decided it would be better to keep his distance. He didn’t quite understand what effect he had on Shou but he knew that he didn’t want to hurt him. Even though Jun invited him to hang out numerous times he always came up with some sort of excuse.
Meanwhile he returned to his initial goal: looking for band members. So he went to clubs here and there watching and listening and getting bored time after time. Some were capable, some were skilled but nobody caught his attention, nobody made his heart beat faster. Days fused into weeks and it was getting colder as winter approached but the guitarist’s search remained fruitless.
It was another gig in a tiny club on the outskirts. The show wasn’t over yet but Tora has seen enough for the night. Did he really think anything could come out of it? But then again you never know where you may find what you’re really looking for. As the guitarist turned away from the bar as heard a familiar voice behind his back:
“Leaving so soon Tora-shi?”
He turned around only to meet the gaze of the man he’d been trying to avoid.
“Hello, Shou. Could you please drop the ‘shi’? It makes me uneasy.”
“As you wish.” Shou didn’t say anything else though. Just sat on his high stool looking down at his hands.
“Can I buy you a drink or something?” He had to try.
“Ah, that’s ok. Actually… can we talk outside? It’s too noisy here,” the young man replied.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure.”
They made their way out of the club and into the street and Tora lit a cigarette.
“I live not far from here.” Shou answered the unspoken question without meeting his eyes.
“Oh. Can I… walk you home?” Tora hoped the request didn’t sound inappropriate in any way.
“I guess.”
They began to walk but Shou remained silent. Instead of prodding him Tora decided to get the matter into his own hands.
“Listen. I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I never stopped to think what it was like for you.”
“No. I’ve been acting immature. You did nothing wrong. Not then, not now. I had no right to behave the way I did.” Tora could tell the man was sincere.
“It was stupid of me to even assume you would annoy me on purpose. That you would care…” Shou silenced himself. “I was just being paranoid. I shouldn’t have let my personal issues affect my behaviour.” Tora’s first impulse was to deny what the young man said but he realized it would do him no good so he bit his tongue.
Suddenly they stopped in front of apartment building. It was one of those small ugly ones that looked like a box. Tora figured out they must have arrived at their destination. Shou turned to him.
“Um, we have a rehearsal tomorrow. So please come if you have time. The guys miss you.” It seemed like he was about to add something else but changed his mind at the last second.
“Sure,” the guitarist felt a strange lightness in his chest “I’ll come”
VI
Tora spent the next day hanging out with the guys in the small studio. It was expensive so they tried to make the most of it. There was music and talking and laughter. It was almost the same as before. But now Shou seemed more relaxed than Tora has even seen him. He was more social and even smiled sometimes.
As the sun disappeared behind the horizon both drummer and bassist said they have further plans to hit the clubs. Jun tagged along though he seemed somewhat self-conscious so he decided to ask the vocalist, just for the record.
“Shou? Wanna come with us?”
“Ah, no, thanks. You go ahead. I want to finish this. I have a good feeling about it.” The vocalist replied.
“Well, suit yourself. What about you, Tora? Aren’t you coming?”
“Actually I wanted to stay and practice a little if you don’t mind. I can’t rent places like this by myself so…”
“I see. Well, see you later then.” And with that they left leaving just the two of them in the room.
Tora was strumming his guitar quietly as he watched Shou was fiddling with the lyrics. The vocalist was humming seemingly oblivious to his presence.
“Is that a new song?” Tora asked startling the young man.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Who wrote it?”
“Well… I did.” Shou admitted shyly. “I mean I only have the melody so far. I don’t really write music so…”
“But you have the melody, right? Sing it.”
“Huh?” Tora had to note Shou looked really cute when he was confused.
“Just do what you did before.” The vocalist looked unsure but after a moment he nodded.
“Ok.”
Shou began to hum again. Tora listened carefully and then his fingers began to move as if on their own accord. The music flowed and it was so solid, so tangible that it almost seemed like you could see it floating through the air. It was magical and Tora knew they both felt it. As the melody came to a halt their gazes met but after a second Shou averted his eyes.
“I think it would be better to keep this between us for now.” Tora suggested.
“Yeah.” Shou looked a little flustered as if they had just done something indecent.
“Can I ask you something?” Tora said putting away the guitar. The moment was just right.
“Just ask.”
“Why did you decide to join a band? I mean someone like me was bound to end up like this but you… you’re smart, you could enter any university.”
Shou was silent for awhile.
“I guess in the end I realized that wasn’t what I really wanted. I just couldn’t see the point.”
Somehow Tora felt he could understand it all too well.
“Do you want to make it big?”
“I… I don’t know. As long as I can sing and there are people who want to listen, I want to continue.”
At that moment looking at the man’s gentle smile Tora realized that what started as merely an infatuation grew into something he was afraid to give a name to.
VII
Since that day Shou seemed to have gotten more comfortable around him. At least now he didn’t scowl every time he looked at the guitarist. On his part Tora tried not to provoke him. He was afraid to ruin the delicate peace that they finally seemed to achieve. And for a few weeks it seemed to work. But one thing Tora learned about life was that as soon as you relax and think things are going well something is bound to ruin it.
It was a Friday evening and the band rented the studio for the day but now once again it was just him and Shou. The guys did throw Tora suspicious glances as they left but didn’t say anything. At this point he didn’t really care what they thought.
Shou was standing by the big window looking down at the night city. Lost in his own thoughts he didn’t seem to notice the guitarist approaching. The moonlight made the vocalist’s skin shine and accentuated his features. Tora was mesmerized by the big soulful eyes and pouty lips. He didn’t even realize how his hand reached out to the man’s face. Shou turned to face him with a confused look. Slowly as if in a trance Tora moved closer, closing the distance until their lips touched. The man’s lips were soft and warm. The vocalist didn’t turn away but after a few moments Tora felt the lapel of his jacket being grabbed. Shou didn’t push or pull, just gripped it for dear life.
Tora felt as if an electric current was running through his body. It wasn’t just desire, no, it was something more. Some kind of excitement he never felt before. Yet, as he finally drew back and looked at the other man’s face his joy began to fade.
The vocalist looked even paler that usual and seemed to shiver. Tora was so confused that it took him a few moments to notice the vocalist’s lips moving. He had to concentrate to hear the whispered words.
“Please.” Shou’s voice waivered and he looked completely exhausted. “Please, stop. You don't know what it took for me to forget you. I can't handle going through it again.”
Tora’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest. For the first time since he met this new Shou the young man looked so frail and more than anything he just wanted to hold him and comfort him. Only he knew now he didn’t have the right. As the vocalist rushed by him Tora did not try to stop him. He wanted to undo the damage he’s done but it was too late and he had no idea how.
The peace and joy that filled his life for a brief period were now gone, ruined by his own hands.
VIII
The band was falling apart. Nobody talked about it but it was evident. There was a heavy silence in the garage where they hung out. Apparently the bassist didn’t even bother coming to rehearsals anymore and the drummer got an offer from another more successful band.
“Aren’t you going to stop him?” Tora asked Jun. Normally he preferred to mind his own business but this attitude was really getting to him.
“Why should I?” Jun took a long drag from his cigarette. “I’m not his mother. He can do whatever he wants.”
Tora looked at Shou. The young man was very quiet and distant, much like he was when Tora met him. Tora tried to talk to him once after the incident but only made it worse. Flashback of that talk still haunted him.
“Last time we talked about it you let me know plain and clear that you ‘don’t swing that way’. What happened to that?”
“You’ve changed so much.” Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
“No!” - Shou practically screamed. “Seems like you misunderstood. I haven’t changed at all. Just because I fixed my teeth and dyed my hair doesn’t make me a different person. I still love soy milk and video games. I still blink when I’m nervous. I still worry about every little thing. I’m still the guy who wasn’t good enough for you. You were always popular. You could get any girl you wanted. Did you get bored with women? Is this a game to you? Do you enjoy seeing me fall apart? I’m tired of this. Just leave me alone!” And with that the vocalist pushed him away and stormed off. Tora continued standing there trying to comprehend what exactly just happened.
IX
“I want you to sing in my band.” The street was narrow and Tora effectively blocked the vocalist’s way.
“What?”
“I want you to become a vocalist in my band.”
“You’re joking, right?” Shou was looking at him like he was mad. And maybe he was in a way but he couldn’t care less.
“Not at all.”
“How can you even ask me that? At such a time. Jun is your friend. This isn’t right.” Shou walked faster but Tora caught up easily.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not a very nice thing to do. But you know what’s even worse? Lying to yourself. This band is no good for you, you can do better.”
“How do you know?”
“I know you’re unhappy there.”
“Since when do you care about my happiness?”
“I don’t know.” The guitarist admitted earnestly. “But I do.”
Shou stopped. He looked lost for words and his face lost all signs of annoyance. For a few moments he remained silent.
“I’m not even sure if I should be doing this.” He said quietly.
“Of course you should.” There was unparalleled certainty in Tora’s voice.
“You’re a good singer. And your lyrics are amazing. Some of the best I’ve seen.”
“I… I’ll think about it.” With that Shou continued on his way but something in his eyes gave Tora hope.
X
Days have passed but Shou never called. There was an impending feeling of dread rising within the guitarist. Everything seemed to lose its meaning. The food was tasteless and his apartment was a mess. Tora couldn’t even care if he got fired any more. With each passing day hope was slipping away.
December in Tokyo was cold and grey. Tora never really cared about the cold but right now he was freezing. However, rather than the weather it seemed to come from within him. Like a furnace without coal that was slowly cooling down. Tora shivered as he walked the streets aimlessly trying to clear his head. Except it didn’t work. Common sense and every relative he’d talked to told him he should just get a job and move on. But somewhere deep inside he could still feel a single cinder burning. Stopping at a grey ugly apartment building Tora took a deep breath. He had to give it one last try.
“What do you want?” the man’s voice was tired rather than annoyed as he opened the door. He looked pale and tired and Tora felt a sting in his chest.
“You wouldn’t answer my calls and I had to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Shou was about to close the door but Tora was faster.
“Shou, please. Hear me out.”
“No!” The man cried as he dashed to the bathroom shutting the door behind him. The apartment was dark and messy - a familiar picture. Tora sat down on the floor next to the bathroom door and took a deep breath. He could really use a smoke right now but he knew Shou hated it so he toyed with the zipper of his jacked instead.
“Shou? I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be mad. But please, just hear me out.”
“Go away!”
“You never asked me how I became a guitarist but I’ll tell you anyway.” It was so quiet Tora could hear the other man’s ragged breathing. A thin sliver of light was coming from under the door and Tora looked at it intently as if he was talking to it.
“Most of my life I felt like I just drifted, for years, without a purpose. Nothing made much sense but music… it makes me feel alive. I don’t know what it does but it stirs something inside me. I feel that if I let it go I will lose the only thing that keeps me alive, you know, really alive.”
There was no answer but since Shou didn’t shout at him anymore so he figured it was a good sign.
“Sorry, I know I have always been selfish. But… When I saw you that day at the club I just knew it had to be you. I’ve never felt this way about a man. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I know I let you go once. I was too young and stupid to see you for what you really were. But I’m not going to let it happen again.”
Tora heard a sound on the other side that sounded like a sob.
“I admire you, Shou. I really do. Your lyrics are amazing. I want to start a band with you. I know this is crazy but I’m sure we can make it. Hell, I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.” Tora felt his throat tighten. “But even if it doesn’t work… For all it’s worth I just want to know that I did everything I could.” For a few moments it was silent. Then:
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m fit for this.” A small strangled voice.
“Don’t say that. It’s the rest of them that are unfit.”
“My voice is nothing special. I have such a long way to go…”
“I don’t care if it’s long. As long as we go together.“
There seemed to be some sort of commotion on the other side.
“I know I’ve hurt you a lot and I’m sorry. But I really want to fix it now, Shou. Please let me try. I want to see your real smile.”
There was a silence again that seemed to last forever.
And then the door opened.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It is done. I had this story 95% written by September but then shit hit the fan... the fan being me and all of my creative juices ran dry. But I wanted to finish this story no mater what. So I waited. Yesterday I felt it was time to try so I sat down and completed the last part. I love each and every single piece I've written but I really think this one is special, more whole and mature. I'm more than satisfied with this. This is probably my last work in this fandom. Though I have a few drafts they're all at early stages and I don't think I have it in my to put so much of me into this. But never say never.
Pairings: Tora/Shou
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama
A/N: This story is an AU unrelated to my main arc.
I
Tora began to wonder whether it was a good idea to come here in the first place. The tiny club was packed and he didn’t quite enjoy being smashed between drunk dudes and underage girls. But he’d promised Jun he’d come see them play sometime and he hated breaking promises.
All the bands that played so far were terribly boring. They all looked and sounded the same, a poor imitation of one of the currently popular V-Kei bands.
Tora was on his third drink when finally Jun’s band has been announced. For a few minutes the stage was dark and as the lights turned on the first thing Tora saw was the man behind the microphone. He was quite tall and slender. His clothes weren’t too flashy or vulgar like those of most singers before him. In fact he looked very trendy in his own way. He didn’t have a lot of make-up on but even without it he stood out by a mile. His big eyes accentuated with eyeliner were captivating and there was something very alluring in the way he held the microphone.
During the intro the creature on stage was swaying gracefully and Tora couldn’t tear his eyes off him. Something about the man seemed familiar and for a moment Tora felt confused. Surely he wouldn’t have forgotten such a species. But then he began to sing and Tora’s train of thought was lost.
The man’s voice was rather low and raspy but it could also hit high notes beautifully. Maybe it was a bit raw but there was so much honesty and pure feeling in it. Somehow Tora thought that with this kind of voice you could do anything. Mesmerized he promptly forgot about other band members until the performance was over.
Backstage was quite chaotic with several bands and staff going back and forth through the narrow corridors. It took some time to spot Jun but Tora finally found his friend on the staircase, smoking and talking animatedly with a guy from another band.
“You guys were pretty good tonight.” Tora said as he approached them.
“Thanks, man. Glad you finally made it. I think tonight we really had it going. It must be the new vocalist. Hey, have you met him yet? Shou, come here for a second!” he shouted into the hall which led to the dressing room. After a moment said man appeared out of the smoke and came up to them. He already changed into plain clothes but there was still something about him that made him stand out - Tora noted.
“I want to introduce you to someone.” He turned to the guitarist.
“Tora, this is Shou, our vocalist. We have big hopes for him. Shou, this is Tora. He’s a guitarist and an old friend of mine. ” As the vocalist tuned to greet Tora the man’s big eyes seemed to have grown even bigger. Maybe it was just his imagination.
“Pleasure to meet you, Shou-san.” He smiled. “I saw you sing tonight and I have to say I’m quite impressed.”
“Thank you. Nice to meet you, Tora-shi. ” Polite and formal. The man’s spoken voice was soft and a little slurred. Once again Tora felt a sense of déjà vu.
“No need to address me so formally, Shou-san.”
“It’s only normal since it’s the first time we meet.” The vocalist seemed to stress the last part of the sentence. “Sorry, I’d love to stay and talk but I have some things I need to attend to.” With that the man bowed slightly and walked away.
“Sorry, man. I wonder what’s gotten into him. Usually he’s quite friendly.” Jun said looking apologetic.
“It’s ok.” Tora replied. “Maybe he’ll be in the mood next time.”
“Ah, sure. We’ll be playing here next week.”
“Great. See you then.” Tora said as he waved his friend goodbye.
On his way home Tora couldn’t stop thinking about the quiet vocalist. The next day too. And the day after it. There was something stirring in the depths of his memory but he couldn’t quite reach it. He kept replaying that evening over and over in his head until one day it struck him.
“Shit. It can’t be.” All the pieces of a puzzle came together.
II
“Look, I’m really flattered and all, but… I don’t swing that way. Sorry, kid.” Earlier today Tora found a neatly written message in his locker asking to come to the school grounds after classes. Tora was a popular guy so this was nothing new. However, instead of a girl he was approached by a skinny boy. Tora vaguely remembered seeing him in literature class and he was clearly a bookworm so their paths seldom crossed. Graduation was approaching and Tora couldn’t wait to get the hell out of this place.
The boy just kept looking at him with his huge eyes and it was sort of creepy.
“And even if I did I really don’t think we would have worked out.”
“It’s ok. I…didn’t really expect you to return my feelings. I just… needed to say it.” Tora kind of felt sorry for the guy. But he didn’t really expect him to turn gay and lead him into the sunset.
The silence that followed was terribly awkward. The kid stared at him intently as if trying to save the image in his memory. Then he sighed.
“Well… I guess I’ll be going then.” He turned around and walked away never to be seen again.
The week dragged way too slowly for Tora’s liking. Since his last band broke up he felt restless. He never really considered going to college opting to work part-time while trying to succeed as a musician. He wasn’t sure why he even bothered with high school. He wasn’t stupid but he hated studying. The only thing Tora was good at was guitar and so he was determined to make good use of it. However, so far he was out of luck. It didn’t help that his parents kept telling him to get a proper job. Something needed to be done fast. He might get fired from yet another part-time job if his boss caught him doing the air-guitar again.
Finally it was Friday and once again Tora found himself at the tiny club. He noticed there were quite a few females looking towards the stage with anticipation. He thought he knew the reason.
He couldn’t deny his own excitement as he saw the familiar figure make his way to the microphone. The set only consisted of two songs but they were good. The lyrics weren’t some trashy meaningless bullshit he heard way too often. They were smart and elegant if a little raw, a sign of a very promising lyricist.
After the set was over Tora went straight to the small dressing room. He looked around but it was dark and quiet and he mentally cursed his shitty eyesight. Finally squinting hard he saw a figure sitting behind a dressing table.
“Kohara?”
“I'm afraid you are mistaken.” The icy voice startled him. “If you seek my band mates they're probably outside.”
Tora might have mistaken the face, but he couldn’t have forgotten that voice. He came closer only to see two big eyes glaring at him through the mirror.
“Oh, come on. I know you recognized me.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I think you do. Back in high school…”
“I’m sorry, Tora-shi, but you shouldn’t be here.” The vocalist replied in a harsh tone.
“Hm, I don’t remember you being so cold.”
Shou was about to reply but at that very moment his bandmates barged in.
“Hey, Tora! What’s up?”
“Ah, nothing much. I was just talking to your vocalist.”
“Ooh! I see you two getting along? Good. Let’s go drinking!”
Shou clearly wanted to protest but he was unceremoniously dragged along.
III
Unfortunately for the vocalist Tora got along with his bandmates. Since that night he would often come to their after-gig parties and rehearsals to hang out.
“Your vocalist doesn’t drink or smoke.” Tora commented off-handedly one evening as he and Jun were sipping beer at a nearby watering hole.
“Yeah, he takes really good care of his voice. Instead he always carries around books and reads whenever he has the time. Sometimes I think he’s looking down on us. But I can’t really complain. He’s a bit strange but he’s really good at what he does, his lyrics are fucking brilliant and the chicks seem to dig him. Even some of the guys if you know what I mean” - the other guitarist added conspirationally.
“I think I do.” Tora grinned.
“Doesn’t talk much about himself and I don’t like to prod.”
Tora was straight as long as he could remember. He liked curves, pouty lips and long eyelashes. However, there was no denying that right now he was strongly attracted to this quiet man, drawn to him. Tora had to admit it was ironic considering their past but it was also exciting. Maybe it was the fact that some of Shou’s features were quite feminine - smooth pale skin, big eyes, delicate hands. He also had legs any girl would be jealous of.
But there was more to it than just appearance. Tora admired the man’s determination and dedication. Most guys in this scene were in it just for fun, enjoying the attention from the ladies and the carless lifestyle. But not Shou, he couldn’t care less about those things. He wasn’t amazingly gifted as a singer but he worked hard, practicing every day and doing all he could to improve.
And then there were Shou’s lyrics. Most of them were quite dark, stories of hardships and loneliness. But they always had some hope in them. Kind of like a single ray of light penetrating the darkness. Somehow the guitarist found it very easy to relate to.
“Guess the literature class paid off” Tora said startling the vocalist who was writing neat lines of kanji in his notepad.
“You wouldn’t know, would you?” The man replied without looking up. “How you managed to graduate without reading a single book is beyond me.” Tora laughed heartily.
“So you remember me after all.”
“So what if I do? What does it matter?” The vocalist finally looked up clearly not amused.
“Maybe I don’t like it when people act rude just because they think they’re smarter.”
“Or maybe you’re just a spoiled boy who can’t stand being ignored.” With that Shou stood up and left the room.
IV
It was a cliché, really. The colder Shou acted the more Tora felt attracted to him. He observed him, studied him like some rare fascinating animal.
He arrived at the conclusion that Shou was a walking bundle of contradictions. Gentleness combined with determination and grace with clumsiness, all meshed together and wrapped into an elegant package. He was good-looking but very self-conscious. He was very polite but never really talked to anyone unless it was work-related. He smiled and bowed and never complained about anything but the smile never quite reached his eyes. There was an aura of mystery around him and Tora wanted to know what was hiding behind it.
“He has some girls fawning over him. But he doesn’t even look their way. We suspect he might be one of those, you know.” Jun made a smug face as if he came up with something brilliant. It was another night out at the local bar and the alcohol made everyone a willing informant. “Then again he doesn’t seem to be interested in anyone at all.”
It was well after midnight and all the guys were slouched around the table completely wasted. Well, all except Shou who waited like a trapped animal for the right moment to make a run for it. At last it seemed the coast was clear. Glancing around one last time Shou took his coat and slipped through the door.
Outside it was chilly and the vocalist welcomed the fresh cold wind on his overheated skin. Watching his band mates getting wasted wasn’t exactly his idea of fun. He was about to start walking when he heard a familiar voice behind his back.
“Leaving so soon?” Looking back he saw a tall dark-haired man leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette. And there he thought the evening couldn’t get any worse.
“What’s it to you?”
“Why do you have to be so uptight when I’m around?”
“Do you want to know why?” Shou asked bitterly, “Fine, I’ll tell you.” He swiftly turned around and headed to where the other man stood. The guitarist was somewhat thrown back at by the dangerous gleam in his eyes.
“When I was younger I hated who I was. I hated my face and my name, everything about myself. I was bullied every day by stupid jocks and all I wanted was for it to be over. After graduation I worked really hard to become someone new, someone better, to forget everything that was before. Finally there were all these new people who didn’t know how I looked with braces and glasses. I could start anew, become whoever I wanted to be.” The man took a shaky breath before continuing. “But now that you’re here all the time I feel like I’m 16 again. It’s like any minute all my darkest secrets shall be revealed and everyone will see I’m a fake.” The man’s voice was unsteady.
“Shou, I wouldn’t…”
“It doesn’t matter. Just by being here you drag me back and I really don’t want to go there. Please don’t make me.”
With that the young man disappeared into the night leaving Tora standing there completely baffled.
V
It’s been a week but Tora couldn’t get that conversation out of his head. After their encounter the guitarist decided it would be better to keep his distance. He didn’t quite understand what effect he had on Shou but he knew that he didn’t want to hurt him. Even though Jun invited him to hang out numerous times he always came up with some sort of excuse.
Meanwhile he returned to his initial goal: looking for band members. So he went to clubs here and there watching and listening and getting bored time after time. Some were capable, some were skilled but nobody caught his attention, nobody made his heart beat faster. Days fused into weeks and it was getting colder as winter approached but the guitarist’s search remained fruitless.
It was another gig in a tiny club on the outskirts. The show wasn’t over yet but Tora has seen enough for the night. Did he really think anything could come out of it? But then again you never know where you may find what you’re really looking for. As the guitarist turned away from the bar as heard a familiar voice behind his back:
“Leaving so soon Tora-shi?”
He turned around only to meet the gaze of the man he’d been trying to avoid.
“Hello, Shou. Could you please drop the ‘shi’? It makes me uneasy.”
“As you wish.” Shou didn’t say anything else though. Just sat on his high stool looking down at his hands.
“Can I buy you a drink or something?” He had to try.
“Ah, that’s ok. Actually… can we talk outside? It’s too noisy here,” the young man replied.
“Yeah. Yeah, sure.”
They made their way out of the club and into the street and Tora lit a cigarette.
“I live not far from here.” Shou answered the unspoken question without meeting his eyes.
“Oh. Can I… walk you home?” Tora hoped the request didn’t sound inappropriate in any way.
“I guess.”
They began to walk but Shou remained silent. Instead of prodding him Tora decided to get the matter into his own hands.
“Listen. I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I never stopped to think what it was like for you.”
“No. I’ve been acting immature. You did nothing wrong. Not then, not now. I had no right to behave the way I did.” Tora could tell the man was sincere.
“It was stupid of me to even assume you would annoy me on purpose. That you would care…” Shou silenced himself. “I was just being paranoid. I shouldn’t have let my personal issues affect my behaviour.” Tora’s first impulse was to deny what the young man said but he realized it would do him no good so he bit his tongue.
Suddenly they stopped in front of apartment building. It was one of those small ugly ones that looked like a box. Tora figured out they must have arrived at their destination. Shou turned to him.
“Um, we have a rehearsal tomorrow. So please come if you have time. The guys miss you.” It seemed like he was about to add something else but changed his mind at the last second.
“Sure,” the guitarist felt a strange lightness in his chest “I’ll come”
VI
Tora spent the next day hanging out with the guys in the small studio. It was expensive so they tried to make the most of it. There was music and talking and laughter. It was almost the same as before. But now Shou seemed more relaxed than Tora has even seen him. He was more social and even smiled sometimes.
As the sun disappeared behind the horizon both drummer and bassist said they have further plans to hit the clubs. Jun tagged along though he seemed somewhat self-conscious so he decided to ask the vocalist, just for the record.
“Shou? Wanna come with us?”
“Ah, no, thanks. You go ahead. I want to finish this. I have a good feeling about it.” The vocalist replied.
“Well, suit yourself. What about you, Tora? Aren’t you coming?”
“Actually I wanted to stay and practice a little if you don’t mind. I can’t rent places like this by myself so…”
“I see. Well, see you later then.” And with that they left leaving just the two of them in the room.
Tora was strumming his guitar quietly as he watched Shou was fiddling with the lyrics. The vocalist was humming seemingly oblivious to his presence.
“Is that a new song?” Tora asked startling the young man.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Who wrote it?”
“Well… I did.” Shou admitted shyly. “I mean I only have the melody so far. I don’t really write music so…”
“But you have the melody, right? Sing it.”
“Huh?” Tora had to note Shou looked really cute when he was confused.
“Just do what you did before.” The vocalist looked unsure but after a moment he nodded.
“Ok.”
Shou began to hum again. Tora listened carefully and then his fingers began to move as if on their own accord. The music flowed and it was so solid, so tangible that it almost seemed like you could see it floating through the air. It was magical and Tora knew they both felt it. As the melody came to a halt their gazes met but after a second Shou averted his eyes.
“I think it would be better to keep this between us for now.” Tora suggested.
“Yeah.” Shou looked a little flustered as if they had just done something indecent.
“Can I ask you something?” Tora said putting away the guitar. The moment was just right.
“Just ask.”
“Why did you decide to join a band? I mean someone like me was bound to end up like this but you… you’re smart, you could enter any university.”
Shou was silent for awhile.
“I guess in the end I realized that wasn’t what I really wanted. I just couldn’t see the point.”
Somehow Tora felt he could understand it all too well.
“Do you want to make it big?”
“I… I don’t know. As long as I can sing and there are people who want to listen, I want to continue.”
At that moment looking at the man’s gentle smile Tora realized that what started as merely an infatuation grew into something he was afraid to give a name to.
VII
Since that day Shou seemed to have gotten more comfortable around him. At least now he didn’t scowl every time he looked at the guitarist. On his part Tora tried not to provoke him. He was afraid to ruin the delicate peace that they finally seemed to achieve. And for a few weeks it seemed to work. But one thing Tora learned about life was that as soon as you relax and think things are going well something is bound to ruin it.
It was a Friday evening and the band rented the studio for the day but now once again it was just him and Shou. The guys did throw Tora suspicious glances as they left but didn’t say anything. At this point he didn’t really care what they thought.
Shou was standing by the big window looking down at the night city. Lost in his own thoughts he didn’t seem to notice the guitarist approaching. The moonlight made the vocalist’s skin shine and accentuated his features. Tora was mesmerized by the big soulful eyes and pouty lips. He didn’t even realize how his hand reached out to the man’s face. Shou turned to face him with a confused look. Slowly as if in a trance Tora moved closer, closing the distance until their lips touched. The man’s lips were soft and warm. The vocalist didn’t turn away but after a few moments Tora felt the lapel of his jacket being grabbed. Shou didn’t push or pull, just gripped it for dear life.
Tora felt as if an electric current was running through his body. It wasn’t just desire, no, it was something more. Some kind of excitement he never felt before. Yet, as he finally drew back and looked at the other man’s face his joy began to fade.
The vocalist looked even paler that usual and seemed to shiver. Tora was so confused that it took him a few moments to notice the vocalist’s lips moving. He had to concentrate to hear the whispered words.
“Please.” Shou’s voice waivered and he looked completely exhausted. “Please, stop. You don't know what it took for me to forget you. I can't handle going through it again.”
Tora’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest. For the first time since he met this new Shou the young man looked so frail and more than anything he just wanted to hold him and comfort him. Only he knew now he didn’t have the right. As the vocalist rushed by him Tora did not try to stop him. He wanted to undo the damage he’s done but it was too late and he had no idea how.
The peace and joy that filled his life for a brief period were now gone, ruined by his own hands.
VIII
The band was falling apart. Nobody talked about it but it was evident. There was a heavy silence in the garage where they hung out. Apparently the bassist didn’t even bother coming to rehearsals anymore and the drummer got an offer from another more successful band.
“Aren’t you going to stop him?” Tora asked Jun. Normally he preferred to mind his own business but this attitude was really getting to him.
“Why should I?” Jun took a long drag from his cigarette. “I’m not his mother. He can do whatever he wants.”
Tora looked at Shou. The young man was very quiet and distant, much like he was when Tora met him. Tora tried to talk to him once after the incident but only made it worse. Flashback of that talk still haunted him.
“Last time we talked about it you let me know plain and clear that you ‘don’t swing that way’. What happened to that?”
“You’ve changed so much.” Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
“No!” - Shou practically screamed. “Seems like you misunderstood. I haven’t changed at all. Just because I fixed my teeth and dyed my hair doesn’t make me a different person. I still love soy milk and video games. I still blink when I’m nervous. I still worry about every little thing. I’m still the guy who wasn’t good enough for you. You were always popular. You could get any girl you wanted. Did you get bored with women? Is this a game to you? Do you enjoy seeing me fall apart? I’m tired of this. Just leave me alone!” And with that the vocalist pushed him away and stormed off. Tora continued standing there trying to comprehend what exactly just happened.
IX
“I want you to sing in my band.” The street was narrow and Tora effectively blocked the vocalist’s way.
“What?”
“I want you to become a vocalist in my band.”
“You’re joking, right?” Shou was looking at him like he was mad. And maybe he was in a way but he couldn’t care less.
“Not at all.”
“How can you even ask me that? At such a time. Jun is your friend. This isn’t right.” Shou walked faster but Tora caught up easily.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not a very nice thing to do. But you know what’s even worse? Lying to yourself. This band is no good for you, you can do better.”
“How do you know?”
“I know you’re unhappy there.”
“Since when do you care about my happiness?”
“I don’t know.” The guitarist admitted earnestly. “But I do.”
Shou stopped. He looked lost for words and his face lost all signs of annoyance. For a few moments he remained silent.
“I’m not even sure if I should be doing this.” He said quietly.
“Of course you should.” There was unparalleled certainty in Tora’s voice.
“You’re a good singer. And your lyrics are amazing. Some of the best I’ve seen.”
“I… I’ll think about it.” With that Shou continued on his way but something in his eyes gave Tora hope.
X
Days have passed but Shou never called. There was an impending feeling of dread rising within the guitarist. Everything seemed to lose its meaning. The food was tasteless and his apartment was a mess. Tora couldn’t even care if he got fired any more. With each passing day hope was slipping away.
December in Tokyo was cold and grey. Tora never really cared about the cold but right now he was freezing. However, rather than the weather it seemed to come from within him. Like a furnace without coal that was slowly cooling down. Tora shivered as he walked the streets aimlessly trying to clear his head. Except it didn’t work. Common sense and every relative he’d talked to told him he should just get a job and move on. But somewhere deep inside he could still feel a single cinder burning. Stopping at a grey ugly apartment building Tora took a deep breath. He had to give it one last try.
“What do you want?” the man’s voice was tired rather than annoyed as he opened the door. He looked pale and tired and Tora felt a sting in his chest.
“You wouldn’t answer my calls and I had to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Shou was about to close the door but Tora was faster.
“Shou, please. Hear me out.”
“No!” The man cried as he dashed to the bathroom shutting the door behind him. The apartment was dark and messy - a familiar picture. Tora sat down on the floor next to the bathroom door and took a deep breath. He could really use a smoke right now but he knew Shou hated it so he toyed with the zipper of his jacked instead.
“Shou? I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be mad. But please, just hear me out.”
“Go away!”
“You never asked me how I became a guitarist but I’ll tell you anyway.” It was so quiet Tora could hear the other man’s ragged breathing. A thin sliver of light was coming from under the door and Tora looked at it intently as if he was talking to it.
“Most of my life I felt like I just drifted, for years, without a purpose. Nothing made much sense but music… it makes me feel alive. I don’t know what it does but it stirs something inside me. I feel that if I let it go I will lose the only thing that keeps me alive, you know, really alive.”
There was no answer but since Shou didn’t shout at him anymore so he figured it was a good sign.
“Sorry, I know I have always been selfish. But… When I saw you that day at the club I just knew it had to be you. I’ve never felt this way about a man. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I know I let you go once. I was too young and stupid to see you for what you really were. But I’m not going to let it happen again.”
Tora heard a sound on the other side that sounded like a sob.
“I admire you, Shou. I really do. Your lyrics are amazing. I want to start a band with you. I know this is crazy but I’m sure we can make it. Hell, I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life.” Tora felt his throat tighten. “But even if it doesn’t work… For all it’s worth I just want to know that I did everything I could.” For a few moments it was silent. Then:
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I’m fit for this.” A small strangled voice.
“Don’t say that. It’s the rest of them that are unfit.”
“My voice is nothing special. I have such a long way to go…”
“I don’t care if it’s long. As long as we go together.“
There seemed to be some sort of commotion on the other side.
“I know I’ve hurt you a lot and I’m sorry. But I really want to fix it now, Shou. Please let me try. I want to see your real smile.”
There was a silence again that seemed to last forever.
And then the door opened.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It is done. I had this story 95% written by September but then shit hit the fan... the fan being me and all of my creative juices ran dry. But I wanted to finish this story no mater what. So I waited. Yesterday I felt it was time to try so I sat down and completed the last part. I love each and every single piece I've written but I really think this one is special, more whole and mature. I'm more than satisfied with this. This is probably my last work in this fandom. Though I have a few drafts they're all at early stages and I don't think I have it in my to put so much of me into this. But never say never.