Closing In
Title: Closing In
Pairings: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/?
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Angst
A/N: It's a fic I began writing some 2 or 3 years ago and could never finish. It's quite different from the stuff I usually write but I'm kind of proud of it. Today after having a weird and vivid dream involving the three I finally put the finishing touches and posting it here.
I put my hands around Yoochun’s neck and try to coo him back into bed. Deep inside though I know, I know he’s gonna leave anyway. It will never be the same anymore.
I hate the way I feel. The green monster is eating me alive. It just isn’t fair. It took me so much time and effort to sort things out with Yoochun and now… but I don’t make sense. I should get back to the start.
It all started about a year ago. I remember it well. I was going crazy. “I want him” the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t so much about me wanting a man. I could accept that part. It was about needing someone so much. I was furious. I was used to being alone and now I felt like a drug addict who couldn’t make it through the day without a shot. I knew I was risking my career, my friends, my family even, but I couldn’t help it.
I wanted him so bad it drove me crazy. He wasn’t the most attractive man I saw and yet every day I fantasized of having him inside me.
It didn’t stop even when we got together. I was snapping at him and he couldn’t understand. Fast aggressive sex… it would be a lie to say we didn’t enjoy it, and yet… I would ride him with all I had and he’d try to slow me down as if taming a wild horse.
I would wrap my arms and legs around him and even as we were both spent I wouldn’t let go clinging to him with all my might. And afterwards when I finally did let go my body exhausted he’d gather me into his arms and hold me close whispering: “It’s okay, it’s alright, love” and then I’d think that maybe de did understand after all, maybe even better than I did.
Slowly this fire in me began to quench. I gave in. I allowed myself to be happy. “Just this once”, I told myself, “Just this once”.
“Oh, God!” I cry when he moves inside me. People would say it’s blasphemy, but how can it be if I feel like I’m in Heaven? He was all mine.
And then everything changed. One day we got a visit from Jaejoong, Yoochun’s best friend. He just broke up with his long-time boyfriend, Yunho, and he looked so lost and heart-broken that I didn’t mind it when he spent the next few days crying into Yoochun’s shoulder. But then Yoochin told him he could stay with us for a while. He’s been living with us ever since. And so our little love nest became too crowded.
They spend a lot of time together. When I see the way they look at each other I go crazy. They look so happy, it seems like they’re glowing. How can I compete? Jaejoong… he’s nice and caring and beautiful and I… I’m just me. I don’t even know why Yoochin’s with me. I have neither looks nor brains and I’ve hurt him more times than I can count. I don’t deserve him… and yet I’m too selfish to let him go.
He says: “Baby, he’s my best friend.” Right. If he’s your best friend, your soulmate than who am I? I know he’d never cheat on me, but honestly I’d prefer him fucking some stranger behind my back than finding them curled up together on the couch all sweet and tender.
I really want to hate Jaejoong, but I can’t. He’s always been good to me and he even tried to become friends. But the more he tried the more I distanced myself from him.
Not only was he caring and good-looking, he was also great at cooking. And that only made me feel more insecure.
“Junsu?”
“What?” I tried to sound annoyed, but it came out too childish.
“I just made some kimchi. Please try some.”
“I’m not hungry. And I have things to do.” I said even as my stomach protested at the aroma coming from the kitchen.
“Sorry.” I don’t look to avoid seeing the sad look on his beautiful face.
This has been going for weeks now.
That day a meeting I was supposed to be at has been cancelled and I returned early. Yoochun wasn’t home. As I took off my shoes and made my way in I noticed there was something different about the apartment, but I couldn’t understand what. I walked around trying to figure it out until it struck me: Things were missing, Jaejoong’s things. Then I heard a soft sound. I found Jaejoong in the bedroom, packing the last of his clothes.
“Jaejoong?”
The older man looked very startled. “I thought you had an appointment.”
“Something came up.” For a couple of seconds neither of us knew what to say. Then Jaejoong sighed and said:
“Look, I know you don’t want me here. I love Yoochun and I want what is best for him. And… I love you too even if you don’t want it.” His voice trembled for a moment, but he continued: “It’s better if I go.”
“Jaejoong, I…” I didn’t even know what I tried to say. Isn’t that what I wanted? What I was trying to achieve? Then why do I feel so sick?
“It’s alright.” He looked at me with such a kind gaze I felt my insides clench.
“I’m sorry, Junsu. I didn’t mean to come between you and Yoochun. I just… ” He bit his lip and looked away. There were tears in his eyes but he fought them back. “I felt so lonely after the break-up and Yoochun, he made me feel loved, he made me happy. He brought me back to life. I didn’t see it was your happiness I was stealing. He really loves you, you know. He told me so much about you.” That was something I did not expect to hear.
“Please take good care of him.” With that Jaejoong quickly closed the bag and made to leave.
Following an impulse I grabbed his arm and spun him around. He looked at me with eyes full of confusion. Before I realized what I was doing I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He gasped in surprise and I deepened the kiss. His lips felt so soft and warm and he moaned into my mouth.
There were so many things I needed to say. Don’t go. I’m sorry. He needs you. We need you. But I didn’t have to say it. He understood. As I let go he slowly opened his eyes and he smiled at me with that beautiful smile that before he saved only for Yoochun.
I know it will never be the same anymore, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Pairings: Yoochun/Junsu, Jaejoong/?
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, Angst
A/N: It's a fic I began writing some 2 or 3 years ago and could never finish. It's quite different from the stuff I usually write but I'm kind of proud of it. Today after having a weird and vivid dream involving the three I finally put the finishing touches and posting it here.
I put my hands around Yoochun’s neck and try to coo him back into bed. Deep inside though I know, I know he’s gonna leave anyway. It will never be the same anymore.
I hate the way I feel. The green monster is eating me alive. It just isn’t fair. It took me so much time and effort to sort things out with Yoochun and now… but I don’t make sense. I should get back to the start.
It all started about a year ago. I remember it well. I was going crazy. “I want him” the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t so much about me wanting a man. I could accept that part. It was about needing someone so much. I was furious. I was used to being alone and now I felt like a drug addict who couldn’t make it through the day without a shot. I knew I was risking my career, my friends, my family even, but I couldn’t help it.
I wanted him so bad it drove me crazy. He wasn’t the most attractive man I saw and yet every day I fantasized of having him inside me.
It didn’t stop even when we got together. I was snapping at him and he couldn’t understand. Fast aggressive sex… it would be a lie to say we didn’t enjoy it, and yet… I would ride him with all I had and he’d try to slow me down as if taming a wild horse.
I would wrap my arms and legs around him and even as we were both spent I wouldn’t let go clinging to him with all my might. And afterwards when I finally did let go my body exhausted he’d gather me into his arms and hold me close whispering: “It’s okay, it’s alright, love” and then I’d think that maybe de did understand after all, maybe even better than I did.
Slowly this fire in me began to quench. I gave in. I allowed myself to be happy. “Just this once”, I told myself, “Just this once”.
“Oh, God!” I cry when he moves inside me. People would say it’s blasphemy, but how can it be if I feel like I’m in Heaven? He was all mine.
And then everything changed. One day we got a visit from Jaejoong, Yoochun’s best friend. He just broke up with his long-time boyfriend, Yunho, and he looked so lost and heart-broken that I didn’t mind it when he spent the next few days crying into Yoochun’s shoulder. But then Yoochin told him he could stay with us for a while. He’s been living with us ever since. And so our little love nest became too crowded.
They spend a lot of time together. When I see the way they look at each other I go crazy. They look so happy, it seems like they’re glowing. How can I compete? Jaejoong… he’s nice and caring and beautiful and I… I’m just me. I don’t even know why Yoochin’s with me. I have neither looks nor brains and I’ve hurt him more times than I can count. I don’t deserve him… and yet I’m too selfish to let him go.
He says: “Baby, he’s my best friend.” Right. If he’s your best friend, your soulmate than who am I? I know he’d never cheat on me, but honestly I’d prefer him fucking some stranger behind my back than finding them curled up together on the couch all sweet and tender.
I really want to hate Jaejoong, but I can’t. He’s always been good to me and he even tried to become friends. But the more he tried the more I distanced myself from him.
Not only was he caring and good-looking, he was also great at cooking. And that only made me feel more insecure.
“Junsu?”
“What?” I tried to sound annoyed, but it came out too childish.
“I just made some kimchi. Please try some.”
“I’m not hungry. And I have things to do.” I said even as my stomach protested at the aroma coming from the kitchen.
“Sorry.” I don’t look to avoid seeing the sad look on his beautiful face.
This has been going for weeks now.
That day a meeting I was supposed to be at has been cancelled and I returned early. Yoochun wasn’t home. As I took off my shoes and made my way in I noticed there was something different about the apartment, but I couldn’t understand what. I walked around trying to figure it out until it struck me: Things were missing, Jaejoong’s things. Then I heard a soft sound. I found Jaejoong in the bedroom, packing the last of his clothes.
“Jaejoong?”
The older man looked very startled. “I thought you had an appointment.”
“Something came up.” For a couple of seconds neither of us knew what to say. Then Jaejoong sighed and said:
“Look, I know you don’t want me here. I love Yoochun and I want what is best for him. And… I love you too even if you don’t want it.” His voice trembled for a moment, but he continued: “It’s better if I go.”
“Jaejoong, I…” I didn’t even know what I tried to say. Isn’t that what I wanted? What I was trying to achieve? Then why do I feel so sick?
“It’s alright.” He looked at me with such a kind gaze I felt my insides clench.
“I’m sorry, Junsu. I didn’t mean to come between you and Yoochun. I just… ” He bit his lip and looked away. There were tears in his eyes but he fought them back. “I felt so lonely after the break-up and Yoochun, he made me feel loved, he made me happy. He brought me back to life. I didn’t see it was your happiness I was stealing. He really loves you, you know. He told me so much about you.” That was something I did not expect to hear.
“Please take good care of him.” With that Jaejoong quickly closed the bag and made to leave.
Following an impulse I grabbed his arm and spun him around. He looked at me with eyes full of confusion. Before I realized what I was doing I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He gasped in surprise and I deepened the kiss. His lips felt so soft and warm and he moaned into my mouth.
There were so many things I needed to say. Don’t go. I’m sorry. He needs you. We need you. But I didn’t have to say it. He understood. As I let go he slowly opened his eyes and he smiled at me with that beautiful smile that before he saved only for Yoochun.
I know it will never be the same anymore, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way.