(no subject)
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
For god sakes, don't sit down and start crying. Every fucking person does that.
If one shot to the head doesn't do it, chances are an entire clip won't either.
If you're guy number seven out of ten in a squad, and you've all just emptied your Navy SEAL MP5s into something, and it's still standing...don't reload. Fucking run.
Ditch the knife, grab the 2x4/pipe/painsaw for range.
Tape your hand weapon to your hand, that way it wont slip out of your hands when you get knocked down. almost any hand weapon falls from reach at least 2.5 inches in this situation
If the window is mysteriously open, chances are that its already right behind you. rusty weapons are usually stronger
If someone offers to sell you a fucking kick-ass awesome huge house for a relatively tiny amount of money, turn them down you dim-witted fuck! ESPECIALLY if their explaination for why it's so cheap runs along the lines of "The last people to live here were murdered horribly"
If you've looked everywhere in the house for the ghost/demon/psycho and he/she/it's nowhere in sight, there's one place you forgot to look: up.
For the love of god people, when running away from a killer, DON'T RUN UPSTAIRS!
If you are on foot and are being chased by a psycho in a black Oldsmobile, DON'T RUN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD while he cruises menacingly behind you, revving his engine.
If there is a zombie outbreak and you're in a basement in the dark with hundreds of other people and dozens of entrances and no lights. Go ahead and kill yourself or start running.
You only have to outrun fatty.
Go around telling everyone your name and staring out windows thoughtfully, this will make you a main character, and you will have about a 50/50 chance of living.
Be the alpha male. If however you are the geek, don't betray or try to compete with the alpha male. That's a sure way to become hamburger near the end. Instead make sure you suck it up and help the alpha male get the girl - then you'll just be the sexless comic relief.
Agreed. Give a first, last, middle, and nick name to make yourself the main character.
In addition, if you are NOT the main character, I highly recommend killing them yourself. While this puts you at risk of becoming the killer/monster, if you succeed, the movie is over.
NEVER be relieved in any way or utter words such as "we are safe" "its over now" or any along that line.
Kill the fucker as soon as you can, NEVER wait for it to finish changing, that means death for you.
Cops are to horror movies what trash cans are to action movies. If being chased, always run up to one and ask for help. He will undoubtedly pull his gun and head toward your pursuer(s). When they begin to tear him limb from limb, use this opportunity to escape.
When running away from the killer and you know you can outrun them, dont scream like a pussy. chances are the killer will hear your scream and find you banging against a fence. also avoid fences
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
If you are being chased somewhere near a populated area, run TOWARDS people/crowds.
This also applies if you see something freaky in a crowd of people, usually at a fair or on the street. Don't follow it/run from it into a dark/desolate area/place.
If anyone died anywhere a hundred years ago today, don't go there.
Have you just inherited a mansion whose previous owner went mad, died horribly, or simply vanished? Never ever sleep in the master bedroom, explore the unmapped caverns beneath the cellar, or try to find the source of that mysterious piping sound going on at night. In fact, never ever visit the mansion in question.
Always bring explosives. Not pansy explosives like grenades; instead bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousins wedding? Great! Just remember to pack the TNT. TNT is good for so many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples, instantly removing legions of zombies from an area you'd prefer them not to be in, or hastily sealing that mineshaft with unspeakable horrors coming out of it. Failing that, TNT makes great firewood for your final bonfire.
In more action-oriented horror movies:
* Always carry one more magazine than you expect to use.
* The abandoned mine never is.
* Painstakingly sealed containers, particularly refrigerators, are probably painstakingly sealed for a purpose.
* If in doubt, empty the magazine.
* Never let your less-than-sane colleague carry the explosives.
* An autopsy-room is not a "safe place".
* Any dark strangers offering you gifts and favors should be avoided like the plague.
* When contemplating ways to execute your mission: think "Overkill".
* Sleep is only a bad substitute for caffeine.
* Always save the last bullet for the moron who got you into this.
* If that moron isn't you, aim for the legs. If you're going to get eaten alive so is he.
* There is no such thing as "too many guns".
* Gasoline - refueling cars is only its secondary use.
* Old Nazis never die. Period.
* Wimps fondle guns. Real Men fondle Doomsday-devices.
No, you didn't hear anything. Turn and go the other way.
If your dog starts barking at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your dog starts whimpering at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your cat makes that demonic yowling noise and attacks you, it's just acting like a cat.
If it knows how to go for your jugular, though, you need an exorcism. Or a dog.
Don't let your dog out of your sight. Monsters/psychos always go for the dog first.
Have a pack of Doberman dogs that think they're fluffy lapdogs. Surprise the shit out of said monsters/psychos.
If you hear strange noises in the doghouse, it's not the dog.
If you see strange lights or hear strange noises in the shed, get the dog and the non-possessed cat and the shotgun and leave town.
If you see someone standing in the road as you barrel towards him, don't swerve. Run him the fuck over.
If you think you see sane people carrying guns after fending off zombies from your home almost single-handedly, don't wave your arms around and shout inaudible words. They will mistake you for a zombie and shoot you. Or, they just have a thing against blacks. Either way, you're dead, you moron.
If you've somehow managed to knock out and/or incapacitate the person/monster/thing chasing you, take its weapons, and keep attacking it. Try to sever or crush its appendages. If it's humanoid in nature, go for weak points. (i.e. head, throat, lungs, etc)
I got one! Never..Ever..Under any circumstances..Mispronounce latin magic words..Klatu Virata Nicto!
Chainsaws aren't as useful when they eventually run out of gas. This can be used to your advantage or spell doom depending on which end of the saw you're on.
Stick around black people, A) they're always the one to scream "NIGGA DON'T GO IN THERE" at the movie screen and will save your ass, B) worst case happens and the monster has you and your black friend on the ropes, movie law says black man dies first.
-get a parot prior to the start of the movie, and teach it to scream phrases that panick stricken women would yell. the killer will go for your parot, and after it is all over, you can have some parrot for dinner.
-if zombies are attacking everything around you, dont go to a place with tons of entrances, like a mall. go to a place with only a few, and perhaps one tricky secretive one.
-always have a douchebag with you that you know will fuck you over. when the going is starting to get tough, eviscerate him. remember that morale is half the battle, and killing the asshole will only boost your spirits
-scientists are all bad, unless they seem extremely remorseful. if this is the case, get all the info out of them you can, then break their appendages. even the good scientists will fuck you over out of curiosity, ie wanting to capture that alien/demon/monster.
-keep a slut in close vicinity. perferably a slut who is with a black guy. this is perfect cannon fodder. leave them to do the nasty in another room, and when you hear them scream, its time to run.
-even if you arent black, try not to pretend to be. you dont like basketball, or big asses, or rap. try to be white, or asian, unless in an asian movie, or remake of an asian movie.
-if you find yourself in an asian horror movie, get out of asia. try to stay out of america, too, because then a remake of that same demon/monster/ghost/psycho will come and kill you only a few years later. maybe canada, or france.
if a new person joins your crew of survivors, find out how he survived, ask to check his weapons and such, then kill him. if it is a female, and she is prettier than the females in your group, tape her mouth shut, make sure she has good running shoes, and keep her.
-if at first you dont succeed, you are probably pretty fucked. if you drop the thing chasing you, and it gets back up, leave the country.
-anything older than the oldest person you know is a bad place to be. all old things have curses and dark history. buy a brand new house (or build it, so a construction worker isnt accidentally killed and sealed up in the wall) far away from your current place.
-if the creature looks like it can swim, it can, and faster than you.
-all malicious things are faster than you running. get a nice motorcycle or corvette. chances are, the monster will have already killed its owners.
-never rely on machines, unless you are a technology expert. at which point, whatever is chasing you will have better technology anyway. your cellphone, onstar, computerized car etc will destroy you.
-always get a very new car if you steal one, or an older car from the 60's or 70's that someone (likely someone who has been killed) refurbished. muscle cars work well.
-if something looks creepy, particularly a person, it is sick or insane. kill it immediately
Zombie & handgun interaction dynamic - The minute someone discards a perfectly good club/blade for a handgun, pistol, or revolver their chances of surviving the next 5-10 minutes shoot through there roof but their chances of surviving the next 10-15 minutes are nil.
- Use your resources, regardless of how shitty they are. Yes, that means use your cellphone as a light if your flashlight runs out of batteries. Use a rock as a weapon.
- Regardless of how big you are, being 7 feet tall or a 300 pound weightlifter will not give you the advantage of beating up a monster or mass murderer. Just run.
- When going to take on a monster or group of villains in their home/nest go alone.
- Never joke around with your friends or become enemies with them.
No one cares what you did last summer.
The fucking Cloverfield monster never dies. You might as well kill yourself now.
stay out of NY. It always gets nuked.
X: Errors not corrected. LOL