(no subject)
It always bugs me that when I tell people how I didn't have friends in school and that I was picked on a lot that they would have been my friend. It's not that I doubt their good intentions, but I know what I was like, I know what school was like, and I know how kids can be. They can be downright cruel.
I went to school with the same people from age 6 up to 10th grade and then I transferred. The bullying started in kindergarten and never stopped. Not even after I transferred.
At age 3 and 4 when I was in preschool I didn't know how to be involved with the other kids. I didn't know how to play with them and make friends. I was shy and apprehensive. I still am.
I had my locker glued shut, gum put on my seat, I was called names, I had my pencils stolen, and no one wanted to play with me. My mom described me as a lone wolf in 2nd grade. I never really understood what she meant until now.
I have always been outcast, sometimes of my own doing, sometimes because of other people, and sometimes just my perception.
I probably wouldn't have been my friend. When going to the only school in a small town, who wants to be friends with the kid nobody likes? The weird one that always sits alone. The one that no one wants to play with.
Some kids, when bullied and picked on, it makes them tougher, stronger, better able to deal with the stuff life throws at them. It makes them survivors. Other kids just get beat down. Had cyberbullying existed then I probably would have been mercilessly.
I was overtly sexual at a very young age. I learned quickly that sex sells and if I let boys touch me or fuck me they'd be nice to me or pay attention to me. It was the only way I could feel connected, wanted, needed, even loved, even if it was someone I didn't want.
A lot of times when first meeting people I come off as easy or like I just want to get fucked. With total lack of subtlety I go for it. Because it's what I've trained myself to do. It's what I've made myself believe is the way I should be. Because it's the only thing I know how to do to get people to like me. Even if it's only for a little while.
This journal is probably the most open about myself that I am. The closest I get to revealing how I feel. And what I feel is hurt and alone and unimportant.
I went to school with the same people from age 6 up to 10th grade and then I transferred. The bullying started in kindergarten and never stopped. Not even after I transferred.
At age 3 and 4 when I was in preschool I didn't know how to be involved with the other kids. I didn't know how to play with them and make friends. I was shy and apprehensive. I still am.
I had my locker glued shut, gum put on my seat, I was called names, I had my pencils stolen, and no one wanted to play with me. My mom described me as a lone wolf in 2nd grade. I never really understood what she meant until now.
I have always been outcast, sometimes of my own doing, sometimes because of other people, and sometimes just my perception.
I probably wouldn't have been my friend. When going to the only school in a small town, who wants to be friends with the kid nobody likes? The weird one that always sits alone. The one that no one wants to play with.
Some kids, when bullied and picked on, it makes them tougher, stronger, better able to deal with the stuff life throws at them. It makes them survivors. Other kids just get beat down. Had cyberbullying existed then I probably would have been mercilessly.
I was overtly sexual at a very young age. I learned quickly that sex sells and if I let boys touch me or fuck me they'd be nice to me or pay attention to me. It was the only way I could feel connected, wanted, needed, even loved, even if it was someone I didn't want.
A lot of times when first meeting people I come off as easy or like I just want to get fucked. With total lack of subtlety I go for it. Because it's what I've trained myself to do. It's what I've made myself believe is the way I should be. Because it's the only thing I know how to do to get people to like me. Even if it's only for a little while.
This journal is probably the most open about myself that I am. The closest I get to revealing how I feel. And what I feel is hurt and alone and unimportant.