Fic; When we were but Wavelengths of Celestial Intent
Title: When we were but Wavelengths of Celestial Intent
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Castiel/Lucifer
Word Count: ~ 4200
Summary: There was a time long ago when Castiel was young and Lucifer was good and they found comfort in each other’s’ company. But then came The Mark and Castiel was no longer able to be young and Lucifer no longer able to be good. This is their story.
Death dies. Castiel’s walls die with him. Suddenly he remembers. He’s bombarded relentlessly with millennia of memories. He wants to scream, cry, rend himself apart. It’s overwhelming but that’s not the worst of it. The incomprehensibility of it is, he’s unsure whether he doesn’t understand or understands all too well. He sits down, curls up, and tries to sort it all into some form of chronological sequence. Watches as though he’s an outsider; he requires the shallow distance it affords him.
*
Castiel was young, made of light and strength and heart, and not yet the size of something that would in millennia be known as a building named Chrysler. And he was somewhere he definitely wasn’t supposed to be. He was hiding. This was disobedience, angels got killed for less. But he just had to see them. Or, more precisely, hear them. He loved them so much and he had to be in their presence, had to know more about them. He didn’t quite understand how other angels were able to use ideas such as loyalty and obedience to dissuade them from following their heart. It never worked for Castiel and he had loyalty and obedience aplenty.
Michael and Lucifer were arguing quietly. Angels had fought The Darkness since their creation. They had lost legions and the ground they gained amounted to scratches when measured against the vastness of the universe. Even young Castiel, not old enough to fight, knew this. But his older brothers’ words fascinated him, excitement filled him just at the mere hum of their tone, the actual strategic discussion itself made him vibrate and he had to hold himself back lest he be noticed.
Then Lucifer spoke words that rang silence through the place, “The Darkness will not be destroyed. We will lose.”
*
It was a thought no one dared voice. An odd despairing clenching formed within Castiel.
Michael eventually retorted, “Don’t speak in such a way, we must be strong; we must find a way.”
“There is another way.”
This voice was new, melodic beyond any notion of Castiel’s imagining. The light that formed Castiel stretched and tipped and floated into assorted wavelengths, before he forced it into reforming his usual shape. He wanted to weep. With building panic Castiel realised who it was. God. Castiel had heard the voice of God. He was in big trouble now. He should leave, sneak away. But Castiel’s mind also heard a deep sadness in that voice. And he needed to hear more, needed to help. Even recognising as utterly ridiculous as that notion was. Castiel stayed.
“We must cage The Darkness. The only way to do so is with a being of light as a vessel.”
Lucifer spoke sombrely, “I will take on this burden.”
“No!” Castiel yelled.
Everyone turned to him. They all looked very ordinary. Michael looked irritated. Lucifer looked sad and amused. God looked contemplative.
“Who are you?” Michael demanded, tone imperious.
“It’s Castiel, remember, he’s the scamp who tried to sneak into battle.”
“I see. He’s clearly defective, such rebellion is dangerous, we will need to fix him,” Michael said.
Castiel’s surface light began to flicker dimly.
“Hey, don’t cry, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Lucifer told him kindly.
“I’m defective?” Castiel mumbled brokenly.
“You’re different,” God said. “And different can be very special.”
Castiel’s light brightened, almost colliding with his brothers. He felt completely wonderful.
“But I’m going to let Michael make some adjustments, you’ll fit in better, it will be safer for you,” God said.
“Let’s not lie to the child, we are about to wipe his memories after all,” Lucifer said.
“I believe you will be more able to erase his wrongness My Lord,” Michael said.
“Which is exactly why you will be the one doing it. We are not taking away what makes him Castiel, we will merely wind a few cogs back to neutral. And hope they go off kilter again at a better time,” God answered.
Michael looked like he wants to argue but doesn’t.
Castiel stood there quietly as pieces of him were locked away.
*
Castiel has always loved to watch the plants. How they grow, spiky or tall or slinking along the ground, all the different colours they hold. All the different molecules they comprise of. And now, now there are fish! They move so quickly, they are so alive. He could watch them for days on end. He just wanted to explore, just wanted to reach out and touch one. But he couldn’t. His powerful light would merely cause it to explode. On this day he thinks, if he is just slow and quick enough, he’d touch it carefully, reverentially, and know what it felt.
He lets his light soar, vast and steady, until he’s pulled back.
“Don’t step on that fish Castiel. Big plans for that fish.”
Castiel knows the voice is Lucifer, even though he’s never met him. He remembers him somehow.
He gazes at Lucifer in awe. The most beloved and heroic of God’s angels, standing here in front of him. Either he has the same interest in these lifeforms or he’s sought Castiel out. Neither scenario seems very likely.
“You’re here,” Castiel says, with astonishment.
“Yes, I was looking for you. What a peculiar place.”
Castiel couldn’t quite believe it. “Why?”
“Because I need someone to confide in.”
As honoured and eager as Castiel is to help, to listen, to be someone the great Lucifer himself wants to talk to. He also wonders if maybe Michael or one of the other archangels would be better at giving advice. Castiel wants to rise to the challenge, but what if he screws up. Lucifer would be the one having to live with his idiocy.
“But wouldn’t Michael or Gabriel or Raphael be better?”
“No, I cannot tell them, I spend much of my time telling them I’m fine. Telling them otherwise would wound them greatly. I love them far too much to do so. Besides, no angel like them would understand. You on the other hand, you remind me of myself when I was younger.”
Castiel is confused, of course he is, who is he to understand the mind workings of those as great as Lucifer. “I’m nothing like you, you’re a hero.”
“There’s time yet. You’re still quite young and I’m not yet old. Maybe one day you will be a hero and I a villain.”
Castiel gasps, halts himself from saying, ‘you’d never be a villain’ as other angels would. Castiel may not know it, but he isn’t like other angels. “It’s The Mark.”
“Yes,” Lucifer says, smiling in a way that suggests he’s simultaneously pleased and saddened by Castiel’s revelation. “We have both had parts of ourselves imposed on us, parts that shouldn’t be there. We can both relate to that internal fight; the struggle that never stops. May I sit?”
Castiel nods. Lucifer begins talking about Castiel, it’s probably easier for him that way. He explains how Castiel is different from other angels and how that difference is constantly wound back to the norm. But Castiel fights it, constantly reverting to his true self. Contrary to the thing inside him trying to force him into being something other than who he is. Lucifer thinks Castiel is amazing.
The explanation should shock or horrify him and it does a bit. But far more than that it just all makes a lot more sense. Castiel can always feel it in his bones, feel a rightness emerging.
“Being forced into someone other than yourself, feeling that someone takeover and believing it’s you. Having to constantly fight, for every inch of yourself, for millennia on end. It’s exhausting.”
And despite his continued bemusement at who he is talking to and what they are talking about, Castiel suddenly knows exactly what to say.
“It is.”
*
Castiel sees Lucifer often after that. His older brother only comes to him in secret when Castiel is alone and staring at the Earth. They talk about nothing and everything, about the strangeness of God’s new lifeforms, about the other angels, about the fight, about the struggle. Neither of them speak of these interactions with anyone else. It has been a while since they first met, there are small scaled animals crawling upon the land now. Lucifer sits beside him, his light is warm.
On this day they are silent. Castiel is waiting. He knows by now when Lucifer has something to say. The creatures are crawling into their hovels for the night when he speaks.
“I’m scared.”
Castiel stretches out into a pool, until his light encompasses Lucifers, and holds him. He doesn’t tell him that he’s strong enough to fight, like Michael would. Or that he needs to fight even if he isn’t, like Gabriel would. Instead he says, “You are still you. Whatever happens, you will always still be you. Even if The Darkness takes over. You will always still be you.”
“And what if I’m not?”
“I’ll kill you.”
Lucifer smiles. “Thank you.”
*
Castiel is the first angel to ever take a vessel. It’s a stegosaurus. The dinosaurs are the first beings capable of taking an angels essence without exploding, but no one has been permitted to take one as a vessel. It’s also early enough that no one has as of yet expressly forbidden it. And Castiel has been curious enough for long enough to take this as tacit permission.
“They’re going to scramble your mind again,” Lucifer chortles in the low growl of a Tyrannosaurus.
Castiel tilts his new head and experimentally slams his new tail on the ground. “There’s no need to worry.”
“True. Things will either end one way or another.”
“You are very loud in this form,” Castiel says. Then a random velociraptor tries to eat him.
Lucifer tears it to shreds. It’s very violent.
*
“It’s the best I’ve felt in an age,” Lucifer says.
“I shouldn’t have taken the dinosaur form. You could’ve ceded to The Mark.”
“You are always most boring after they scramble you.”
“I’m fine,” Castiel says.
“Neither of us has been fine in a very long time. I can feel it, I was so alive, I need the fight. It’s strumming through me and all I can think about is how good it feels to give into it.”
*
Every now and then Lucifer goes dinosaur hunting, or ‘massacring’ as some would put it. The other angels may be disgusted but they say nothing. The attitude seems to be along the lines of ‘if this is what he needs to carry on, let it be’. It’s a cowardly attitude that Castiel doesn’t share.
“You’re going to give me another lecture on how dinosaurs are wonderful majestic creatures that I need to respect, I’m going to ignore you, shall we just skip it.”
“You need to stop,” he says.
“Ugh, I come to you to get away from the righteous indignation. When did it turn around?”
“Probably when the others gave up on you. I’ll never give up on you.”
Lucifer flies off and wipes out the dinosaurs in retaliation.
*
Thousands of years turn to millions. Castiel stays. Even as they both break at their seams.
One day Lucifer comes to him dripping in blood. And Castiel is too tired to do anything other than reveal one more truth. He moves towards Lucifer, until their light rests upon each other, and slowly allows said light to entwine.
Lucifer halts them. “You are still very young.”
“Angels keep saying that. I’m not as young as you think I am. Not anymore. Not after all this. Let me.”
It’s soft and slow and Castiel thinks maybe if he can keep Lucifer in his light for this one night, he can keep him for these few hours from falling.
*
Humans were based on Lucifer and Castiel. Beings created to be free, beings who could handle this sort of existence.
Beings who need not live forever with their choices.
They are the only two angels who know this. Though maybe Michael knows also, Lucifer isn’t sure. It angers Lucifer, that humans are allowed this whilst Castiel, his wonderfully amazing heartful, Castiel, is constantly reassembled for it.
God loves them in a way he never loved his angels. He allows Lucifer to be a sacrifice to The Mark, but would not allow the same of his precious humans.
*
Lucifer hates the humans. Castiel loves them. They spend many nights arguing about this.
It’s on one such night, as Castiel chastises him for being so cruel to them, that Lucifer fills with anger; he came for comfort but only receives attacks. Before thinking he strikes out.
Lucifer’s light pushes Castiel, hard and strong- it burns.
Castiel recoils in shock, hurt clear on his face, before it settles into weary determination,
“You will not do that again.”
Lucifer moves to slink away, despair and shame heavy in his chest, he mumbles, “I’m sorry. I did not want to hurt you.”
Castiel halts him. “I will not be pushed away so easily. Come, sit, talk to me.”
Lucifer sighs and does as he’s told. “The Darkness is on the brink of taking over. It’s encroaching, eating me up, I’m still me, but a different me. I barely recognise myself. And when I’m gone. I will be too powerful. I will have the power of an archangel at my disposal and I will roll over this world, ruin it entirely.”
*
Castiel knows what he has to do.
He goes to God and offers himself.
God smiles. “I’ve been waiting for this day.”
“I don’t understand,” Castiel says.
“No other angel can handle the mark Castiel. It will swallow the obedient whole.”
“Why didn’t you call on me before?” He immediately feels bad for asking; it’s not for him to question. But Lucifer has gone through all of this for so long. And he has done nothing but watch.
“You are still young Castiel, I did not wish to put ideas in your head that you would jump at without truly being ready. Lucifer has too much hatred for the humans, it allows The Mark to use that. You have only love for living things. You will be able to hold The Mark at bay.”
Castiel swallows, the weight of it all suddenly real, he had assumed he would take The Mark and burn away silently (somewhere no damage could be done) until he became nothing and it needed to be handed on to someone else (he hoped if it went back to Lucifer that the short reprieve might allow him to last for eons to come). But this, he’s being told he has to fight, that he can fight. It’s the scariest thing he’s ever heard.
“If you need some time…”
Castiel holds his head high, “No. I readily accept The Mark and all it entails.”
*
Castiel thinks on it all night. How he will tell Lucifer. He knows his lover will be displeased. He contains his happiness at finally being able to help, forces his voice to sombre.
“I have found a solution.”
Lucifer sighs. “Your tone implies it’s not much of one. There’s no saving me. All others have accepted it. It’s time you did too. You’re only hurting yourself further by not doing so.”
“I will never give up on you. Never. I do have a real solution. You give me The Mark.”
Lucifer laughs, loud and bittersweet, “Oh, my dear sweet Castiel. (I’m sorry I ever dragged you into this thing, you were so young.) God would never allow such a thing to come to pass.”
“God has already given his blessing.”
Lucifer’s face quickly distorts from incredulity to rage and he roars furiously, “You cannot do this, I will not let you. I will not give it to you!”
“It will be okay,” Castiel says, placating, “God has said I have the power within me to fight it.”
“Then God is lying!”
“You have that little faith in me?” Castiel asks.
“I have worlds of faith in you. I also have a deep understanding of The Darkness. If you wish to take it from me, you shall have to find me first.” Lucifer’s voice is cold as he vanishes into the night.
*
None see or hear from Lucifer for the longest of times. Castiel has too many fears, too many dark imaginings, to count. Lucifer dead. Lucifer enthralled entirely by The Darkness. Lucifer being ripped to pieces. The others hunt Lucifer, but Castiel only seeks him out. Only wishes to see him well and bring him home. Days slip to weeks and weeks to months, months to years, to decades.
And then he appears, to drop a gift at Heaven’s feet. A once human girl- no longer either, twisted and tainted and torn apart, until she was put together into something other, something new. A dark creature. A thing. An abomination. She is Lilith.
She spreads darkness and depravity like wildfire, staining each mortal she touches. Lucifer glides in her wake to smirk at them all. Castiel sees through him still.
“You keep telling everyone that changing the human was all about proving how worthless and disgusting they are. But I know the truth.”
“Do you really have some notion that I don’t think exactly that of humans?”
“Oh, I know you do. I just also know it’s not the main reason. You did this to prove humans could be strong enough to bear The Mark. To make them strong enough to bear it.”
Lucifer pauses. “I’m not letting you take The Mark.”
“You know I can’t allow one of them to take it in my place.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
*
They have an army of the heavenly host watching the mortals, to keep them from Lucifer’s grasp. But each time Castiel sees Lucifer, he knows he’s closer to achieving his ends.
“No mortal can contain The Mark. It will burn through them like kindling. Don’t make me watch them suffer this fate, knowing I could’ve taken it on.”
“I’m sorry Castiel. You’re too precious to lose and I’m too selfish to let you go.”
“God will punish you severely for this. Do you think it will be any easier for me to see you brought low?”
“I know, I am sorry, truly.”
*
Lucifer gives The Mark to a man named Cain. Castiel goes to him afterwards.
“You’re disappointed.”
“No. Just sad,” Castiel replies.
“You’re still here.”
“Yes. Always.”
“You shouldn’t be. They will come for me soon.”
“I’m not leaving. I will argue for you. Offer myself to hold The Mark only if they let you live.”
“No. Don’t do that. This will all have been for nothing if you do that.”
“This is the first time I’ve seen you without The Mark.”
“You did see me once before. They made you forget. They’ll make you forget this too.”
*
Michael comes upon him full of righteousness. Lucifer comes back at him full of wrath.
They clash, light burning bright and sharp through their vessel’s eyes, light bleeding out of seams of skin, light carving each other up, unto brokenness. Michael eventually prevails, casts him into another world, a cage. Just as he turns away Lucifer spits bitterly,
“You think yourself so righteous, you are the one who abandoned me, do you think you would have fared any better holding The Darkness?”
“It’s likely no. But I would have done what was honourable before it came to that. You made the other choice and you will have forever to mull over your resulting failure.”
Lucifer laughs. “You call this failure? I am alive and have accomplished all that I intended to.”
“You have not. Here’s a secret even you know nothing of brother: Castiel was made to hold The Mark. It will seek him out. It will eat through everyone he loves to get to him.”
*
Castiel sits trembling, hand splayed against the wall he manages to push himself to standing. Everything sits raw inside him, hurt and pain, old memories and new entwining viciously. He needs to find out what this all means, what he should do. As soon as he steps outside, he knows.
He’s never seen it in person, but watching the thick black cloud roil over the land, leaving wreckage in its wake, Castiel knows it’s The Darkness. He needs to speak to Dean and Sam but he knows there’s no time for that now. He needs to do what he should’ve done millennia ago and there’s only one person who can tell him how.
“Ah, you’re here, finally,” Lucifer says when he enters the cage.
He needs to hold it together, all business, that’s the only way he’ll get through this.
“Tell me how to capture The Darkness and imprison it inside myself.”
“No,” Lucifer states simply, turning away.
Castiel’s resolve breaks,
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Lucifer barks out a feral laugh, “You would have believed me.”
“This is all…it’s unbelievable…I just…I can’t.”
“Yeah, your beloved God isn’t so hot now, huh.”
Castiel draws himself up, emotion threatening to overwhelm him, he needs to keep his mind on the mission, “I need to know how.”
Lucifer sighs. “Look. I know it’s been a long time and everything was gone and it’s probably come back all messed up and you don’t know what you feel. But if you remember any of what we felt for each other, just a piece, you know I can’t let you.”
“I’m sorry for asking this of you. But if you don’t help me I will still find a way to make it happen.”
Lucifer smiles and lifts a hand to caress Castiel’s cheek. It feels odd and also familiar.
“I’ve missed you Castiel. But I won’t help you.”
“Then I need to leave.”
“See you soon.”
“You’re so sure I’ll be back?”
“I’m certain of it.”
*
Castiel goes to the garden. He isn’t expecting to find God, but desperate times and all.
“Castiel.”
“You’re here, I looked all over for you and you’ve been here.”
“I’ve been waiting for this day.”
“You said that last time.”
“You weren’t truly ready before. You are now.”
“But, everything that has happened, I could’ve stopped it.”
“No. Do you remember the time you had the old ones inside you, you were running around playing God.”
Castiel ducks his head, there’s nothing to say to that, he knows well that there’s no forgiveness for the things he’s done.
“Come now, why so glum. Even while the power corrupted you, you still used it righteously; for the betterment of the humans, weeding out the unworthy. Now you know better. It’s a good thing, you have learned, you have grown. You are truly ready for The Mark. You understand what must be done.”
*
The Mark sits, an angry shadow inside Castiel’s light. He knows what he must do, the power is too much, too strong, too dark. There is no fighting it. He will only mow down the Earth in its stead. No, he must deny it the fight. He journeys back to the cage, closing the door behind him. He will stay here; keep The Darkness here, where no harm can be done.
“Knew you’d be back.”
Now that he’s here, without the mission to occupy him, the weight of it all presses in, claustrophobic; the millennia of toil; the emotional turmoil; all they lost. He cannot describe his emotions, it’s just an unrelenting wall of intensity.
“It’s the only place I could go. I suppose we’ve got a lot to talk about.”
“Well, we’ve got all eternity.”
Alternate ending
“Tell me how to capture The Darkness and imprison it inside myself,” Castiel demands.
“Oh. You don’t remember,” Lucifer replies.
“I just remembered it all, that’s why I’m here.”
“No. You’ve missed the most important part, you’re still hiding it from yourself; you need to go deeper.”
“I don’t have time to go on a memory recovery journey now. I need to capture The Darkness.”
“If you remember, you’ll know.”
“Help me remember then.”
“You’re God.”
“What? If you’re not going to help me at least don’t mock me.”
“I’m not mocking. I’m telling the truth; you’re God.”
“What are you talking about that doesn’t make any sense.”
“It does. And now that I’ve said it, you feel that it does.”
“I don’t…Why would God…It doesn’t…” Castiel sighs, takes a breath. “Explain it to me.”
“We needed a being powerful enough to contain The Darkness entirely, eternally. God is the only one who can do so. But we would also be giving The Darkness access to all that knowledge and power, it could become unstoppable. So God had to change his form, into one who could bear the same weight, but without that knowledge and power. Everything you remember was the truth; you are just a different version of God. That is where he has been. That’s why you have always had free will, always needed adjusting. That’s why you always come back to life. That’s why the only time God takes action is when you’re dead and he’s aware again. I was supposed to be the one to guide you, as God’s most faithful servant he trusted me to do this. But even in this form I loved him too much, loved you too much. And I allowed The Darkness back out into the world. That was my betrayal. I’m sorry. But I would do the same again.”
“That’s insane…that’s…you’ve always made a terrible amount of sense… I don’t remember.”
“Then I suppose we watch The Darkness engulf the world.”
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Castiel/Lucifer
Word Count: ~ 4200
Summary: There was a time long ago when Castiel was young and Lucifer was good and they found comfort in each other’s’ company. But then came The Mark and Castiel was no longer able to be young and Lucifer no longer able to be good. This is their story.
Death dies. Castiel’s walls die with him. Suddenly he remembers. He’s bombarded relentlessly with millennia of memories. He wants to scream, cry, rend himself apart. It’s overwhelming but that’s not the worst of it. The incomprehensibility of it is, he’s unsure whether he doesn’t understand or understands all too well. He sits down, curls up, and tries to sort it all into some form of chronological sequence. Watches as though he’s an outsider; he requires the shallow distance it affords him.
*
Castiel was young, made of light and strength and heart, and not yet the size of something that would in millennia be known as a building named Chrysler. And he was somewhere he definitely wasn’t supposed to be. He was hiding. This was disobedience, angels got killed for less. But he just had to see them. Or, more precisely, hear them. He loved them so much and he had to be in their presence, had to know more about them. He didn’t quite understand how other angels were able to use ideas such as loyalty and obedience to dissuade them from following their heart. It never worked for Castiel and he had loyalty and obedience aplenty.
Michael and Lucifer were arguing quietly. Angels had fought The Darkness since their creation. They had lost legions and the ground they gained amounted to scratches when measured against the vastness of the universe. Even young Castiel, not old enough to fight, knew this. But his older brothers’ words fascinated him, excitement filled him just at the mere hum of their tone, the actual strategic discussion itself made him vibrate and he had to hold himself back lest he be noticed.
Then Lucifer spoke words that rang silence through the place, “The Darkness will not be destroyed. We will lose.”
*
It was a thought no one dared voice. An odd despairing clenching formed within Castiel.
Michael eventually retorted, “Don’t speak in such a way, we must be strong; we must find a way.”
“There is another way.”
This voice was new, melodic beyond any notion of Castiel’s imagining. The light that formed Castiel stretched and tipped and floated into assorted wavelengths, before he forced it into reforming his usual shape. He wanted to weep. With building panic Castiel realised who it was. God. Castiel had heard the voice of God. He was in big trouble now. He should leave, sneak away. But Castiel’s mind also heard a deep sadness in that voice. And he needed to hear more, needed to help. Even recognising as utterly ridiculous as that notion was. Castiel stayed.
“We must cage The Darkness. The only way to do so is with a being of light as a vessel.”
Lucifer spoke sombrely, “I will take on this burden.”
“No!” Castiel yelled.
Everyone turned to him. They all looked very ordinary. Michael looked irritated. Lucifer looked sad and amused. God looked contemplative.
“Who are you?” Michael demanded, tone imperious.
“It’s Castiel, remember, he’s the scamp who tried to sneak into battle.”
“I see. He’s clearly defective, such rebellion is dangerous, we will need to fix him,” Michael said.
Castiel’s surface light began to flicker dimly.
“Hey, don’t cry, there’s nothing wrong with you,” Lucifer told him kindly.
“I’m defective?” Castiel mumbled brokenly.
“You’re different,” God said. “And different can be very special.”
Castiel’s light brightened, almost colliding with his brothers. He felt completely wonderful.
“But I’m going to let Michael make some adjustments, you’ll fit in better, it will be safer for you,” God said.
“Let’s not lie to the child, we are about to wipe his memories after all,” Lucifer said.
“I believe you will be more able to erase his wrongness My Lord,” Michael said.
“Which is exactly why you will be the one doing it. We are not taking away what makes him Castiel, we will merely wind a few cogs back to neutral. And hope they go off kilter again at a better time,” God answered.
Michael looked like he wants to argue but doesn’t.
Castiel stood there quietly as pieces of him were locked away.
*
Castiel has always loved to watch the plants. How they grow, spiky or tall or slinking along the ground, all the different colours they hold. All the different molecules they comprise of. And now, now there are fish! They move so quickly, they are so alive. He could watch them for days on end. He just wanted to explore, just wanted to reach out and touch one. But he couldn’t. His powerful light would merely cause it to explode. On this day he thinks, if he is just slow and quick enough, he’d touch it carefully, reverentially, and know what it felt.
He lets his light soar, vast and steady, until he’s pulled back.
“Don’t step on that fish Castiel. Big plans for that fish.”
Castiel knows the voice is Lucifer, even though he’s never met him. He remembers him somehow.
He gazes at Lucifer in awe. The most beloved and heroic of God’s angels, standing here in front of him. Either he has the same interest in these lifeforms or he’s sought Castiel out. Neither scenario seems very likely.
“You’re here,” Castiel says, with astonishment.
“Yes, I was looking for you. What a peculiar place.”
Castiel couldn’t quite believe it. “Why?”
“Because I need someone to confide in.”
As honoured and eager as Castiel is to help, to listen, to be someone the great Lucifer himself wants to talk to. He also wonders if maybe Michael or one of the other archangels would be better at giving advice. Castiel wants to rise to the challenge, but what if he screws up. Lucifer would be the one having to live with his idiocy.
“But wouldn’t Michael or Gabriel or Raphael be better?”
“No, I cannot tell them, I spend much of my time telling them I’m fine. Telling them otherwise would wound them greatly. I love them far too much to do so. Besides, no angel like them would understand. You on the other hand, you remind me of myself when I was younger.”
Castiel is confused, of course he is, who is he to understand the mind workings of those as great as Lucifer. “I’m nothing like you, you’re a hero.”
“There’s time yet. You’re still quite young and I’m not yet old. Maybe one day you will be a hero and I a villain.”
Castiel gasps, halts himself from saying, ‘you’d never be a villain’ as other angels would. Castiel may not know it, but he isn’t like other angels. “It’s The Mark.”
“Yes,” Lucifer says, smiling in a way that suggests he’s simultaneously pleased and saddened by Castiel’s revelation. “We have both had parts of ourselves imposed on us, parts that shouldn’t be there. We can both relate to that internal fight; the struggle that never stops. May I sit?”
Castiel nods. Lucifer begins talking about Castiel, it’s probably easier for him that way. He explains how Castiel is different from other angels and how that difference is constantly wound back to the norm. But Castiel fights it, constantly reverting to his true self. Contrary to the thing inside him trying to force him into being something other than who he is. Lucifer thinks Castiel is amazing.
The explanation should shock or horrify him and it does a bit. But far more than that it just all makes a lot more sense. Castiel can always feel it in his bones, feel a rightness emerging.
“Being forced into someone other than yourself, feeling that someone takeover and believing it’s you. Having to constantly fight, for every inch of yourself, for millennia on end. It’s exhausting.”
And despite his continued bemusement at who he is talking to and what they are talking about, Castiel suddenly knows exactly what to say.
“It is.”
*
Castiel sees Lucifer often after that. His older brother only comes to him in secret when Castiel is alone and staring at the Earth. They talk about nothing and everything, about the strangeness of God’s new lifeforms, about the other angels, about the fight, about the struggle. Neither of them speak of these interactions with anyone else. It has been a while since they first met, there are small scaled animals crawling upon the land now. Lucifer sits beside him, his light is warm.
On this day they are silent. Castiel is waiting. He knows by now when Lucifer has something to say. The creatures are crawling into their hovels for the night when he speaks.
“I’m scared.”
Castiel stretches out into a pool, until his light encompasses Lucifers, and holds him. He doesn’t tell him that he’s strong enough to fight, like Michael would. Or that he needs to fight even if he isn’t, like Gabriel would. Instead he says, “You are still you. Whatever happens, you will always still be you. Even if The Darkness takes over. You will always still be you.”
“And what if I’m not?”
“I’ll kill you.”
Lucifer smiles. “Thank you.”
*
Castiel is the first angel to ever take a vessel. It’s a stegosaurus. The dinosaurs are the first beings capable of taking an angels essence without exploding, but no one has been permitted to take one as a vessel. It’s also early enough that no one has as of yet expressly forbidden it. And Castiel has been curious enough for long enough to take this as tacit permission.
“They’re going to scramble your mind again,” Lucifer chortles in the low growl of a Tyrannosaurus.
Castiel tilts his new head and experimentally slams his new tail on the ground. “There’s no need to worry.”
“True. Things will either end one way or another.”
“You are very loud in this form,” Castiel says. Then a random velociraptor tries to eat him.
Lucifer tears it to shreds. It’s very violent.
*
“It’s the best I’ve felt in an age,” Lucifer says.
“I shouldn’t have taken the dinosaur form. You could’ve ceded to The Mark.”
“You are always most boring after they scramble you.”
“I’m fine,” Castiel says.
“Neither of us has been fine in a very long time. I can feel it, I was so alive, I need the fight. It’s strumming through me and all I can think about is how good it feels to give into it.”
*
Every now and then Lucifer goes dinosaur hunting, or ‘massacring’ as some would put it. The other angels may be disgusted but they say nothing. The attitude seems to be along the lines of ‘if this is what he needs to carry on, let it be’. It’s a cowardly attitude that Castiel doesn’t share.
“You’re going to give me another lecture on how dinosaurs are wonderful majestic creatures that I need to respect, I’m going to ignore you, shall we just skip it.”
“You need to stop,” he says.
“Ugh, I come to you to get away from the righteous indignation. When did it turn around?”
“Probably when the others gave up on you. I’ll never give up on you.”
Lucifer flies off and wipes out the dinosaurs in retaliation.
*
Thousands of years turn to millions. Castiel stays. Even as they both break at their seams.
One day Lucifer comes to him dripping in blood. And Castiel is too tired to do anything other than reveal one more truth. He moves towards Lucifer, until their light rests upon each other, and slowly allows said light to entwine.
Lucifer halts them. “You are still very young.”
“Angels keep saying that. I’m not as young as you think I am. Not anymore. Not after all this. Let me.”
It’s soft and slow and Castiel thinks maybe if he can keep Lucifer in his light for this one night, he can keep him for these few hours from falling.
*
Humans were based on Lucifer and Castiel. Beings created to be free, beings who could handle this sort of existence.
Beings who need not live forever with their choices.
They are the only two angels who know this. Though maybe Michael knows also, Lucifer isn’t sure. It angers Lucifer, that humans are allowed this whilst Castiel, his wonderfully amazing heartful, Castiel, is constantly reassembled for it.
God loves them in a way he never loved his angels. He allows Lucifer to be a sacrifice to The Mark, but would not allow the same of his precious humans.
*
Lucifer hates the humans. Castiel loves them. They spend many nights arguing about this.
It’s on one such night, as Castiel chastises him for being so cruel to them, that Lucifer fills with anger; he came for comfort but only receives attacks. Before thinking he strikes out.
Lucifer’s light pushes Castiel, hard and strong- it burns.
Castiel recoils in shock, hurt clear on his face, before it settles into weary determination,
“You will not do that again.”
Lucifer moves to slink away, despair and shame heavy in his chest, he mumbles, “I’m sorry. I did not want to hurt you.”
Castiel halts him. “I will not be pushed away so easily. Come, sit, talk to me.”
Lucifer sighs and does as he’s told. “The Darkness is on the brink of taking over. It’s encroaching, eating me up, I’m still me, but a different me. I barely recognise myself. And when I’m gone. I will be too powerful. I will have the power of an archangel at my disposal and I will roll over this world, ruin it entirely.”
*
Castiel knows what he has to do.
He goes to God and offers himself.
God smiles. “I’ve been waiting for this day.”
“I don’t understand,” Castiel says.
“No other angel can handle the mark Castiel. It will swallow the obedient whole.”
“Why didn’t you call on me before?” He immediately feels bad for asking; it’s not for him to question. But Lucifer has gone through all of this for so long. And he has done nothing but watch.
“You are still young Castiel, I did not wish to put ideas in your head that you would jump at without truly being ready. Lucifer has too much hatred for the humans, it allows The Mark to use that. You have only love for living things. You will be able to hold The Mark at bay.”
Castiel swallows, the weight of it all suddenly real, he had assumed he would take The Mark and burn away silently (somewhere no damage could be done) until he became nothing and it needed to be handed on to someone else (he hoped if it went back to Lucifer that the short reprieve might allow him to last for eons to come). But this, he’s being told he has to fight, that he can fight. It’s the scariest thing he’s ever heard.
“If you need some time…”
Castiel holds his head high, “No. I readily accept The Mark and all it entails.”
*
Castiel thinks on it all night. How he will tell Lucifer. He knows his lover will be displeased. He contains his happiness at finally being able to help, forces his voice to sombre.
“I have found a solution.”
Lucifer sighs. “Your tone implies it’s not much of one. There’s no saving me. All others have accepted it. It’s time you did too. You’re only hurting yourself further by not doing so.”
“I will never give up on you. Never. I do have a real solution. You give me The Mark.”
Lucifer laughs, loud and bittersweet, “Oh, my dear sweet Castiel. (I’m sorry I ever dragged you into this thing, you were so young.) God would never allow such a thing to come to pass.”
“God has already given his blessing.”
Lucifer’s face quickly distorts from incredulity to rage and he roars furiously, “You cannot do this, I will not let you. I will not give it to you!”
“It will be okay,” Castiel says, placating, “God has said I have the power within me to fight it.”
“Then God is lying!”
“You have that little faith in me?” Castiel asks.
“I have worlds of faith in you. I also have a deep understanding of The Darkness. If you wish to take it from me, you shall have to find me first.” Lucifer’s voice is cold as he vanishes into the night.
*
None see or hear from Lucifer for the longest of times. Castiel has too many fears, too many dark imaginings, to count. Lucifer dead. Lucifer enthralled entirely by The Darkness. Lucifer being ripped to pieces. The others hunt Lucifer, but Castiel only seeks him out. Only wishes to see him well and bring him home. Days slip to weeks and weeks to months, months to years, to decades.
And then he appears, to drop a gift at Heaven’s feet. A once human girl- no longer either, twisted and tainted and torn apart, until she was put together into something other, something new. A dark creature. A thing. An abomination. She is Lilith.
She spreads darkness and depravity like wildfire, staining each mortal she touches. Lucifer glides in her wake to smirk at them all. Castiel sees through him still.
“You keep telling everyone that changing the human was all about proving how worthless and disgusting they are. But I know the truth.”
“Do you really have some notion that I don’t think exactly that of humans?”
“Oh, I know you do. I just also know it’s not the main reason. You did this to prove humans could be strong enough to bear The Mark. To make them strong enough to bear it.”
Lucifer pauses. “I’m not letting you take The Mark.”
“You know I can’t allow one of them to take it in my place.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
*
They have an army of the heavenly host watching the mortals, to keep them from Lucifer’s grasp. But each time Castiel sees Lucifer, he knows he’s closer to achieving his ends.
“No mortal can contain The Mark. It will burn through them like kindling. Don’t make me watch them suffer this fate, knowing I could’ve taken it on.”
“I’m sorry Castiel. You’re too precious to lose and I’m too selfish to let you go.”
“God will punish you severely for this. Do you think it will be any easier for me to see you brought low?”
“I know, I am sorry, truly.”
*
Lucifer gives The Mark to a man named Cain. Castiel goes to him afterwards.
“You’re disappointed.”
“No. Just sad,” Castiel replies.
“You’re still here.”
“Yes. Always.”
“You shouldn’t be. They will come for me soon.”
“I’m not leaving. I will argue for you. Offer myself to hold The Mark only if they let you live.”
“No. Don’t do that. This will all have been for nothing if you do that.”
“This is the first time I’ve seen you without The Mark.”
“You did see me once before. They made you forget. They’ll make you forget this too.”
*
Michael comes upon him full of righteousness. Lucifer comes back at him full of wrath.
They clash, light burning bright and sharp through their vessel’s eyes, light bleeding out of seams of skin, light carving each other up, unto brokenness. Michael eventually prevails, casts him into another world, a cage. Just as he turns away Lucifer spits bitterly,
“You think yourself so righteous, you are the one who abandoned me, do you think you would have fared any better holding The Darkness?”
“It’s likely no. But I would have done what was honourable before it came to that. You made the other choice and you will have forever to mull over your resulting failure.”
Lucifer laughs. “You call this failure? I am alive and have accomplished all that I intended to.”
“You have not. Here’s a secret even you know nothing of brother: Castiel was made to hold The Mark. It will seek him out. It will eat through everyone he loves to get to him.”
*
Castiel sits trembling, hand splayed against the wall he manages to push himself to standing. Everything sits raw inside him, hurt and pain, old memories and new entwining viciously. He needs to find out what this all means, what he should do. As soon as he steps outside, he knows.
He’s never seen it in person, but watching the thick black cloud roil over the land, leaving wreckage in its wake, Castiel knows it’s The Darkness. He needs to speak to Dean and Sam but he knows there’s no time for that now. He needs to do what he should’ve done millennia ago and there’s only one person who can tell him how.
“Ah, you’re here, finally,” Lucifer says when he enters the cage.
He needs to hold it together, all business, that’s the only way he’ll get through this.
“Tell me how to capture The Darkness and imprison it inside myself.”
“No,” Lucifer states simply, turning away.
Castiel’s resolve breaks,
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Lucifer barks out a feral laugh, “You would have believed me.”
“This is all…it’s unbelievable…I just…I can’t.”
“Yeah, your beloved God isn’t so hot now, huh.”
Castiel draws himself up, emotion threatening to overwhelm him, he needs to keep his mind on the mission, “I need to know how.”
Lucifer sighs. “Look. I know it’s been a long time and everything was gone and it’s probably come back all messed up and you don’t know what you feel. But if you remember any of what we felt for each other, just a piece, you know I can’t let you.”
“I’m sorry for asking this of you. But if you don’t help me I will still find a way to make it happen.”
Lucifer smiles and lifts a hand to caress Castiel’s cheek. It feels odd and also familiar.
“I’ve missed you Castiel. But I won’t help you.”
“Then I need to leave.”
“See you soon.”
“You’re so sure I’ll be back?”
“I’m certain of it.”
*
Castiel goes to the garden. He isn’t expecting to find God, but desperate times and all.
“Castiel.”
“You’re here, I looked all over for you and you’ve been here.”
“I’ve been waiting for this day.”
“You said that last time.”
“You weren’t truly ready before. You are now.”
“But, everything that has happened, I could’ve stopped it.”
“No. Do you remember the time you had the old ones inside you, you were running around playing God.”
Castiel ducks his head, there’s nothing to say to that, he knows well that there’s no forgiveness for the things he’s done.
“Come now, why so glum. Even while the power corrupted you, you still used it righteously; for the betterment of the humans, weeding out the unworthy. Now you know better. It’s a good thing, you have learned, you have grown. You are truly ready for The Mark. You understand what must be done.”
*
The Mark sits, an angry shadow inside Castiel’s light. He knows what he must do, the power is too much, too strong, too dark. There is no fighting it. He will only mow down the Earth in its stead. No, he must deny it the fight. He journeys back to the cage, closing the door behind him. He will stay here; keep The Darkness here, where no harm can be done.
“Knew you’d be back.”
Now that he’s here, without the mission to occupy him, the weight of it all presses in, claustrophobic; the millennia of toil; the emotional turmoil; all they lost. He cannot describe his emotions, it’s just an unrelenting wall of intensity.
“It’s the only place I could go. I suppose we’ve got a lot to talk about.”
“Well, we’ve got all eternity.”
Alternate ending
“Tell me how to capture The Darkness and imprison it inside myself,” Castiel demands.
“Oh. You don’t remember,” Lucifer replies.
“I just remembered it all, that’s why I’m here.”
“No. You’ve missed the most important part, you’re still hiding it from yourself; you need to go deeper.”
“I don’t have time to go on a memory recovery journey now. I need to capture The Darkness.”
“If you remember, you’ll know.”
“Help me remember then.”
“You’re God.”
“What? If you’re not going to help me at least don’t mock me.”
“I’m not mocking. I’m telling the truth; you’re God.”
“What are you talking about that doesn’t make any sense.”
“It does. And now that I’ve said it, you feel that it does.”
“I don’t…Why would God…It doesn’t…” Castiel sighs, takes a breath. “Explain it to me.”
“We needed a being powerful enough to contain The Darkness entirely, eternally. God is the only one who can do so. But we would also be giving The Darkness access to all that knowledge and power, it could become unstoppable. So God had to change his form, into one who could bear the same weight, but without that knowledge and power. Everything you remember was the truth; you are just a different version of God. That is where he has been. That’s why you have always had free will, always needed adjusting. That’s why you always come back to life. That’s why the only time God takes action is when you’re dead and he’s aware again. I was supposed to be the one to guide you, as God’s most faithful servant he trusted me to do this. But even in this form I loved him too much, loved you too much. And I allowed The Darkness back out into the world. That was my betrayal. I’m sorry. But I would do the same again.”
“That’s insane…that’s…you’ve always made a terrible amount of sense… I don’t remember.”
“Then I suppose we watch The Darkness engulf the world.”