(no subject)
I've never been good at arguments. Like, emotional arguments. I can debate all day, but if the subject of the discussion was direct interpersonal conflict, I never went ahead and talked. When the nature of a conflict inherently inspired anger in me, I seethed rather than vented. I've been faulted for it. I've thought about it, and come up with all kinds of different reasons why this might be. Maybe it's because blind conflict first moves away from solving an issue, and is thus inefficient. Maybe I just have too much patience. Maybe I'm a pussy? It always seemed like such a waste of energy to get all emotional and shit when the obvious goal is conflict resolution, which is best solved rationally. Maybe I just didn't get it.
Since I was very young, when I achieved conciousness and realized that I can learn, I've always taken the position that I have to build myself from the ground up. An exterior personality is something I've had particular trouble constructing, on account of a pesky autism spectrum disorder that I promise we won't get into here. When I got to the point in my development where conflict resolution was a skill I needed to learn, I decided (living in my world of Platonic ideals) that honest, penetrative, constructive discussion was the only way to go. To do anything else is a waste of both time and energy. And once I made that decision, I've always behaved accordingly. I never yelled, stomped, or slammed doors. Everyone knows what a slammed door sounds like; you can't learn from that.
I've recently been forced to reconsider this view. There are people in this world who do not approach conflict rationally. There are people who feel the need to express their discomfort or their displeasure at every little thing. There are people who let their unvoiced and therefore unaddressed frustrations build up until they cannot but burst out at once. There are people who intentionally subversively continuously provoke, and then balk when directly addressed. There are even people who pretend to engage in a direct conflict resolution, then transparently lie about their previous position. None of these things are rational, but all of them exist. My theory: Maybe some people need some level of emotional escalation to somehow prepare themselves to accept resolution.
In my interminable quest to become the most versatile and effective human being this particular set of circumstances will grant me, I've begun to develop my ability to use anger to resolve conflict. (Don't let that sentence sound proud to you, it's weary and shameful.) I've only taken a few practice runs. I've yelled, I've intimidated, I've enforced. I manage to remain honest at every point, which I'd like to hope is a part of me, but I can't help thinking back to one of spriite's posts about how when you're perfectly honest noone can touch you. I'm surprisingly effective in this arena. Since I've begun incorporating anger into my conflict resolution skillset, noone could claim I'd lost a fight.
Because all of my German genes went to my nose and my brain (I'm guessing), I'm enamored of efficiency. So naturally, when I evoke emotion in argument I go for the throat. It seems when I say something that nails down a personality trait, and also directly invalidates every point of argument that I can see coming, the opponent drops right out. In every case so far, they leave the room. This conclusion would seem quite contradictory to my aim of resolving the problem, but this course of action is reserved for people who don't want an argument, but a fight.
There you go. You picked a fight with the wrong guy. Now you're mad at yourself, because you feel stupid. Maybe you shouldn't do that anymore.
All that being said, I definitely just was mean to Nicole and made her cry. I'm sure that I said nothing incorrect, and that I meant every word. Nevertheless, I didn't mean to make her feel so bad. Maybe you don't use the "go for the throat" approach on people you love.
Experimental Results: Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you understand how to use it.
Since I was very young, when I achieved conciousness and realized that I can learn, I've always taken the position that I have to build myself from the ground up. An exterior personality is something I've had particular trouble constructing, on account of a pesky autism spectrum disorder that I promise we won't get into here. When I got to the point in my development where conflict resolution was a skill I needed to learn, I decided (living in my world of Platonic ideals) that honest, penetrative, constructive discussion was the only way to go. To do anything else is a waste of both time and energy. And once I made that decision, I've always behaved accordingly. I never yelled, stomped, or slammed doors. Everyone knows what a slammed door sounds like; you can't learn from that.
I've recently been forced to reconsider this view. There are people in this world who do not approach conflict rationally. There are people who feel the need to express their discomfort or their displeasure at every little thing. There are people who let their unvoiced and therefore unaddressed frustrations build up until they cannot but burst out at once. There are people who intentionally subversively continuously provoke, and then balk when directly addressed. There are even people who pretend to engage in a direct conflict resolution, then transparently lie about their previous position. None of these things are rational, but all of them exist. My theory: Maybe some people need some level of emotional escalation to somehow prepare themselves to accept resolution.
In my interminable quest to become the most versatile and effective human being this particular set of circumstances will grant me, I've begun to develop my ability to use anger to resolve conflict. (Don't let that sentence sound proud to you, it's weary and shameful.) I've only taken a few practice runs. I've yelled, I've intimidated, I've enforced. I manage to remain honest at every point, which I'd like to hope is a part of me, but I can't help thinking back to one of spriite's posts about how when you're perfectly honest noone can touch you. I'm surprisingly effective in this arena. Since I've begun incorporating anger into my conflict resolution skillset, noone could claim I'd lost a fight.
Because all of my German genes went to my nose and my brain (I'm guessing), I'm enamored of efficiency. So naturally, when I evoke emotion in argument I go for the throat. It seems when I say something that nails down a personality trait, and also directly invalidates every point of argument that I can see coming, the opponent drops right out. In every case so far, they leave the room. This conclusion would seem quite contradictory to my aim of resolving the problem, but this course of action is reserved for people who don't want an argument, but a fight.
There you go. You picked a fight with the wrong guy. Now you're mad at yourself, because you feel stupid. Maybe you shouldn't do that anymore.
All that being said, I definitely just was mean to Nicole and made her cry. I'm sure that I said nothing incorrect, and that I meant every word. Nevertheless, I didn't mean to make her feel so bad. Maybe you don't use the "go for the throat" approach on people you love.
Experimental Results: Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you understand how to use it.