It's been a while.
I've not written much in a long time. Mostly of lazyness, partially because, who reads things important to one specific person much nowadays? Yes we all read what goes on in others' lives, via Facebook or sometimes Myspace. We'll ask, but is anything followed up? No, its not something that has to happen, but it adds a feeling of connectivity, of being cared about or for. Small little things over the web comments such as 'aw' or 'i'm sorry's' and short tidbits of the such are usual, which gives us some way of being connected, or feeling like we are. But who, outside of ones you're with every single day, sit down and talk about it? If somebody wants to.. do you allow yourself to stay there and reciprocate the conversation? Or do you hide what you feel they might not care about, because it might seem silly or you think they understand? It needs to be gotten out. Especially, nowadays, WITH the people you see every day. I guarantee not all close friends share everything anymore. It seems to be much more.. not so much untrustingness, but a desire for secrecy overriding the need to share and be listened, or listen. Not always on purpose, but so many people do it much more nowadays. Secrets are allowed to be had.. but to not say what you're feeling, or thinking or hoping or anything because somebody might call you out on something? Or worse, because you're afraid that nobody will answer that outgoing call at all?
No, this isn't everybody. But its a lot. Lethargy has overcome all that I know. Some stay away from it, even for short spurts of time. But what of those who have become unknowingly sucked in? Once in it and in the repetition of it, its so difficult to get back out, that until something detrimental has threatened you, you won't attempt to get out.
It's hard, it really is.
Clearly, if whoever is out there hasn't guessed by now, I'm stuck.
I've become lethargic in everything. Driving remains to be a big thing, and in the last few months I've realized how much of a burden I've actually purposely forced myself on everybody. It's quite terrible actually. So I know this, but have I done anything on it? No. I've got to kill this.
And Chuck. Not a single one of you will ever understand how much this boy means to me. Yes I could compare it to thinking of yourself and how much you love some one more than anything, but I don't feel like every relationship is the same, although many similarities will pop up and such. Everybody I know has at some point pointed out to me, through hard times Chuck and I have gone through, that it would be easier to end it, let it go. It might be. But why would I take that route? I would do anything for this boy, anything. Lazyness again has taken its toll here. If I would do anything, as I claim, why have I not gotten a license so I can see him any single time I want, not having to rely on anybody else at all? Why have I allowed myself, and him, to become so immersed in technology that we don't talk about other things? How did I let us become dependent about what other people want to do? When have I recently taken initiative to flat out say what I want to do, and be damned everybody even if I have to go off alone? Yes, I've decided not to go out most nights because I don't approve of what happens, or I know I won't have fun. But by doing this I've deprived myself of time with the one I still want to be around 24/7. We both agree its seemed more like we're super close friends lately. Neither of us want that. We are best friends, completely, but when have we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend? Not lately. We're fixing this, starting now. We have to, or I think we both know it's not going to last long, which kills our thoughts right now.
Nothing occurs between us anymore. No more than casual touches without putting thought or love into it, almost no deep conversations about anything that comes to our minds, or debates, or even just pure contented silence and hand holding. It's all automated, we've fallen into a rhythm that we both know is terrible for us, and its got to stop.
A huge thing, although its a huge thing in the opposite way for my parents, is staying over his house. He obviously can't come to my own, there's an impressionable child in the house and a sister whom I share a room with. Plus, just awkward o.0. But myself going to his house. He would like nothing more than for me to just be there all the time, and I want the same thing [although I still do love just coming home sometimes, lately most of the time]. But.. the arguments I've had with my parents, mainly my mom, always comes to a standstill. They won't let me stay there. Words about it being inappropriate and 'not how i was raised' and everything are always brought up. Most of the time it always comes down to 'why?'. I can't get them to understand that I know its something we need. Maybe we wouldn't need it if Chuck and I haven't fallen into this trench right now, but even before, before anything had happened, we both agreed that it made us feel so much closer. It's not to have sex or anything, its being held all night and feeling safe because you know you're protected and somebody's there to hold you when you've had a nightmare, and companionship and the late night conversations [we've all had those, they're such a huge importance]. For my parents, its them not understanding why this is so important to me. I've never put such a big emphasis on anything else like this to them, ever. I honestly feel as if its just a refusal to believe that I want and need this. I want more than anything to curl up next to Chuck each night. I'd gladly accept a willing night here and there allowed by my parents, for I do live in their house. It stings to tell myself I have to be leashed in, but I'm not on my own, I can't make up rules for myself no matter how much I want to, and Chuck wants me to [because that's what he's used to], but I don't have free reign in this matter. I don't have the funds to be able to go out on my own. Mostly because I lent my parents a grand for a matter over keeping their truck, and not getting any of it back thus far. Probably just as equally though, is I'm somehow nowadays terrible at saving money. Fact is, I have very little money, so moving out anywhere isn't an option as of now. [and the car thing again].
But how do I get my mom to agree in any way that it's NOT a terrible thing that her daughter be able to stay over her boyfriends house sometimes? I don't want to pull the "I'm 21 years old" card type thing, but it has a partial factor of it in my mind. I am 21. Legally, I'm an adult, although I know I'm not really one. But I want to think that I should be allowed this one thing. It's not a huge deal to them, at least it shouldn't be. But I don't know so far. Any of my family won't understand this, because we all try to avoid conflict. Not even just that, but nobody's ever seen me really fight for anything in my family. I out of most of the people I know, will do almost anything to avoid a fight or argument in any way.
But this I want. More than anything really in my life right now. Not things that I need in a real-life way to survive, but this I'd argue over. It doesn't hurt anybody, it's just a weird concept for my parents. And this, to me, is not enough to receive an absolute refusal. It would probably be the 'nice' thing to do to let it go, but this then causes me to be unhappy. Maybe its some sort of ridiculous thing to put up so much of a fuss about, but when do I put up a fuss about anything? I think that if I'm unhappy enough, I should fight to fix it. If its deemed childish by family members [I'm only saying that because I know my friends have been on my side about it, which is sort of expected], then so be it. I'm not childish very often, and it sucks that of all things it may be deemed childish in my behavior about this very adult thing, but if thats how its taken, then thats how its taken. I can tell myself I don't care about what family members think, because they don't live with me. The only people I need to talk to about this at all would be my parents. So I guess here's hoping I resolve this soon. Who knows, maybe they'll even somehow see this and take the time to read it, and realize that this is taking more of a toll on me than they'll probably ever know. For I didn't even realize how unhappy it was making me. But I do, and I need it to change in some way. I refuse, or at least can't stand because refuse doesn't seem quite the appropriate word for it at this moment, to just sit there as I'm told I can't do something with the person I'm.. most attached to I guess. Not love the most [we all know that's Hobbes xP], but fit with best.
And who knows. Maybe this can only change when I get my license and a truck, and just tell my parents I'm staying at Chuck's, and I'll be home in the morning or something. I don't feel like the best way to go about it is just tell them I'm doing something and refuse to listen, because I know some sort of action will be taken by them against me, and nobody will be happy. But its scary, knowing you're going to soon fight and argue and cry to your parents about something that they might refuse to budge on. It's not a good thought, and it makes me feel kind of hopeless about the whole thing. And I hate feeling that way.
But what can I do? My life is partially run by them, because I can't do it on my own. But shouldn't all aspects of my personal relationship be mine? Its a new concept for this family in a way I guess, because this has never been breached before, I'm the only one who's ever brought this up and fought about it.
It's strange in a way of new territory being discovered. And you don't know how your entire party will react in it.
Maybe I should just give my parents a link to his page so they will read it. I'm terrible at recapping things under pressur =/. It's a thought. If I can't breach the subject calmly and without tears with my own speech face to face, then I'll resort to it. If I can't sway them, then I can't sway them, and then I go argue with Chuck. But if there's a chance.. I'll do anything. I've got to, for if I'm not willing to put my whole self in something, what can I count on?
No, this isn't everybody. But its a lot. Lethargy has overcome all that I know. Some stay away from it, even for short spurts of time. But what of those who have become unknowingly sucked in? Once in it and in the repetition of it, its so difficult to get back out, that until something detrimental has threatened you, you won't attempt to get out.
It's hard, it really is.
Clearly, if whoever is out there hasn't guessed by now, I'm stuck.
I've become lethargic in everything. Driving remains to be a big thing, and in the last few months I've realized how much of a burden I've actually purposely forced myself on everybody. It's quite terrible actually. So I know this, but have I done anything on it? No. I've got to kill this.
And Chuck. Not a single one of you will ever understand how much this boy means to me. Yes I could compare it to thinking of yourself and how much you love some one more than anything, but I don't feel like every relationship is the same, although many similarities will pop up and such. Everybody I know has at some point pointed out to me, through hard times Chuck and I have gone through, that it would be easier to end it, let it go. It might be. But why would I take that route? I would do anything for this boy, anything. Lazyness again has taken its toll here. If I would do anything, as I claim, why have I not gotten a license so I can see him any single time I want, not having to rely on anybody else at all? Why have I allowed myself, and him, to become so immersed in technology that we don't talk about other things? How did I let us become dependent about what other people want to do? When have I recently taken initiative to flat out say what I want to do, and be damned everybody even if I have to go off alone? Yes, I've decided not to go out most nights because I don't approve of what happens, or I know I won't have fun. But by doing this I've deprived myself of time with the one I still want to be around 24/7. We both agree its seemed more like we're super close friends lately. Neither of us want that. We are best friends, completely, but when have we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend? Not lately. We're fixing this, starting now. We have to, or I think we both know it's not going to last long, which kills our thoughts right now.
Nothing occurs between us anymore. No more than casual touches without putting thought or love into it, almost no deep conversations about anything that comes to our minds, or debates, or even just pure contented silence and hand holding. It's all automated, we've fallen into a rhythm that we both know is terrible for us, and its got to stop.
A huge thing, although its a huge thing in the opposite way for my parents, is staying over his house. He obviously can't come to my own, there's an impressionable child in the house and a sister whom I share a room with. Plus, just awkward o.0. But myself going to his house. He would like nothing more than for me to just be there all the time, and I want the same thing [although I still do love just coming home sometimes, lately most of the time]. But.. the arguments I've had with my parents, mainly my mom, always comes to a standstill. They won't let me stay there. Words about it being inappropriate and 'not how i was raised' and everything are always brought up. Most of the time it always comes down to 'why?'. I can't get them to understand that I know its something we need. Maybe we wouldn't need it if Chuck and I haven't fallen into this trench right now, but even before, before anything had happened, we both agreed that it made us feel so much closer. It's not to have sex or anything, its being held all night and feeling safe because you know you're protected and somebody's there to hold you when you've had a nightmare, and companionship and the late night conversations [we've all had those, they're such a huge importance]. For my parents, its them not understanding why this is so important to me. I've never put such a big emphasis on anything else like this to them, ever. I honestly feel as if its just a refusal to believe that I want and need this. I want more than anything to curl up next to Chuck each night. I'd gladly accept a willing night here and there allowed by my parents, for I do live in their house. It stings to tell myself I have to be leashed in, but I'm not on my own, I can't make up rules for myself no matter how much I want to, and Chuck wants me to [because that's what he's used to], but I don't have free reign in this matter. I don't have the funds to be able to go out on my own. Mostly because I lent my parents a grand for a matter over keeping their truck, and not getting any of it back thus far. Probably just as equally though, is I'm somehow nowadays terrible at saving money. Fact is, I have very little money, so moving out anywhere isn't an option as of now. [and the car thing again].
But how do I get my mom to agree in any way that it's NOT a terrible thing that her daughter be able to stay over her boyfriends house sometimes? I don't want to pull the "I'm 21 years old" card type thing, but it has a partial factor of it in my mind. I am 21. Legally, I'm an adult, although I know I'm not really one. But I want to think that I should be allowed this one thing. It's not a huge deal to them, at least it shouldn't be. But I don't know so far. Any of my family won't understand this, because we all try to avoid conflict. Not even just that, but nobody's ever seen me really fight for anything in my family. I out of most of the people I know, will do almost anything to avoid a fight or argument in any way.
But this I want. More than anything really in my life right now. Not things that I need in a real-life way to survive, but this I'd argue over. It doesn't hurt anybody, it's just a weird concept for my parents. And this, to me, is not enough to receive an absolute refusal. It would probably be the 'nice' thing to do to let it go, but this then causes me to be unhappy. Maybe its some sort of ridiculous thing to put up so much of a fuss about, but when do I put up a fuss about anything? I think that if I'm unhappy enough, I should fight to fix it. If its deemed childish by family members [I'm only saying that because I know my friends have been on my side about it, which is sort of expected], then so be it. I'm not childish very often, and it sucks that of all things it may be deemed childish in my behavior about this very adult thing, but if thats how its taken, then thats how its taken. I can tell myself I don't care about what family members think, because they don't live with me. The only people I need to talk to about this at all would be my parents. So I guess here's hoping I resolve this soon. Who knows, maybe they'll even somehow see this and take the time to read it, and realize that this is taking more of a toll on me than they'll probably ever know. For I didn't even realize how unhappy it was making me. But I do, and I need it to change in some way. I refuse, or at least can't stand because refuse doesn't seem quite the appropriate word for it at this moment, to just sit there as I'm told I can't do something with the person I'm.. most attached to I guess. Not love the most [we all know that's Hobbes xP], but fit with best.
And who knows. Maybe this can only change when I get my license and a truck, and just tell my parents I'm staying at Chuck's, and I'll be home in the morning or something. I don't feel like the best way to go about it is just tell them I'm doing something and refuse to listen, because I know some sort of action will be taken by them against me, and nobody will be happy. But its scary, knowing you're going to soon fight and argue and cry to your parents about something that they might refuse to budge on. It's not a good thought, and it makes me feel kind of hopeless about the whole thing. And I hate feeling that way.
But what can I do? My life is partially run by them, because I can't do it on my own. But shouldn't all aspects of my personal relationship be mine? Its a new concept for this family in a way I guess, because this has never been breached before, I'm the only one who's ever brought this up and fought about it.
It's strange in a way of new territory being discovered. And you don't know how your entire party will react in it.
Maybe I should just give my parents a link to his page so they will read it. I'm terrible at recapping things under pressur =/. It's a thought. If I can't breach the subject calmly and without tears with my own speech face to face, then I'll resort to it. If I can't sway them, then I can't sway them, and then I go argue with Chuck. But if there's a chance.. I'll do anything. I've got to, for if I'm not willing to put my whole self in something, what can I count on?