(no subject)
I've been having trouble sleeping lately, I don't know what it is. When I lay in bed I feel as if something is incomplete. My brain is never ready to shut off. I get restless. I think there's stuff on my mind but I don't know what...
I've been working a lot lately. It's nice since you know, I'm saving for a car. Since I have that goal working hasn't been getting to me as much as it should, though I am deffinitly pumped for the weekend and Monday off. I can't even enjoy the money though. I worry too much about John. Well, maybe not worry, that's a strong word. I just wish that he didn't have the burdens he has. I kind of feel guilty.
You know, in my mind I tell myself that this is the year. We get through this year and everything will take a turn for the better. While this is true for him, I don't know about me. For 2 years I've been telling myself that "in six months I'll be____(fill in blank)." And it's frustrating. In high school each year changes you so dramatically. 12 months is an eternity, a life time. But now, too me, it doesn't seem so drastic. I always took pride in and enjoyed looking back on how I changed but the past few years have been nothing. I don't want it to always be like this. I keep telling myself something's gotta change again.. but it feels like it's not gonna.
When am I ever going to have the time to go back to HCC and complete photography?
When am I ever going to get a better job?
How will I be able to afford moving out?
How am I going to find people to move into an apartment with?
How will I deal with that AND school?
How am I going to deal with the fact that logically, I'm still gonna be in this house in 2 years?
Is John ever going to find a new job? A good job? What about college for him? And his license? And a reliable car? A career?
I think my lack of sleep is due to a serious case of surpressed worry.
I think I surpress it because I know nothing can be worried about until we have solved the car problem.
And I know that thinking about a new car isnt even important until it can be afforded.
Therefor why worry about everything else?
But it's there. It's in my mind. And it wants me to think about it.
Sometimes I feel so alone. Painfully alone.
But then I remember that no matter what happens I have John.
And no matter what things I can't afford, a warm embrace is free.
Sometimes I think that even after 5 months, I'm still getting used to having a boyfriend.
I mean, I've never been in a relationship this close.
On the flip side though, I was in a really good mood tonight. For some reason the house had a Christmas smell to it that I loooooooooove! And suddenly I feel like all those cares don't exist. Whatever hah. Wow. I love livejournal, it always makes me feel better.
I'm out, peace.
I've been working a lot lately. It's nice since you know, I'm saving for a car. Since I have that goal working hasn't been getting to me as much as it should, though I am deffinitly pumped for the weekend and Monday off. I can't even enjoy the money though. I worry too much about John. Well, maybe not worry, that's a strong word. I just wish that he didn't have the burdens he has. I kind of feel guilty.
You know, in my mind I tell myself that this is the year. We get through this year and everything will take a turn for the better. While this is true for him, I don't know about me. For 2 years I've been telling myself that "in six months I'll be____(fill in blank)." And it's frustrating. In high school each year changes you so dramatically. 12 months is an eternity, a life time. But now, too me, it doesn't seem so drastic. I always took pride in and enjoyed looking back on how I changed but the past few years have been nothing. I don't want it to always be like this. I keep telling myself something's gotta change again.. but it feels like it's not gonna.
When am I ever going to have the time to go back to HCC and complete photography?
When am I ever going to get a better job?
How will I be able to afford moving out?
How am I going to find people to move into an apartment with?
How will I deal with that AND school?
How am I going to deal with the fact that logically, I'm still gonna be in this house in 2 years?
Is John ever going to find a new job? A good job? What about college for him? And his license? And a reliable car? A career?
I think my lack of sleep is due to a serious case of surpressed worry.
I think I surpress it because I know nothing can be worried about until we have solved the car problem.
And I know that thinking about a new car isnt even important until it can be afforded.
Therefor why worry about everything else?
But it's there. It's in my mind. And it wants me to think about it.
Sometimes I feel so alone. Painfully alone.
But then I remember that no matter what happens I have John.
And no matter what things I can't afford, a warm embrace is free.
Sometimes I think that even after 5 months, I'm still getting used to having a boyfriend.
I mean, I've never been in a relationship this close.
On the flip side though, I was in a really good mood tonight. For some reason the house had a Christmas smell to it that I loooooooooove! And suddenly I feel like all those cares don't exist. Whatever hah. Wow. I love livejournal, it always makes me feel better.
I'm out, peace.