boo.
i feel alone. i hate my arms and legs and stomach and boobs and i hate my face and i hate everything about me in the mirror and i suck at dancing and i can't sing and i can't draw and ii don't make people laugh unless they are so weirded out they don't know what to say.
anelisse needs to slow down and give herself a break, and wayne needs to quit treating her like crap. she isn't happy like she used to be. i wish i could make her happy.
i can't help people like i used to. no one comes to me with their problems anymore. maybe they think i'm too busy or won't notice. or maybe they think i'm moody and don't deserve their time, or will treat them harshly.
so, so alone. like everything i do amounts to nothing in the end.
maybe i will fly away, but i don't see hope at the end of the tunnel. no light. only darkness. and i'm afraid to look behind me. i don't want to eat anymore. i want to lose weight and be skinny and pretty and happy and in shape and have everyone love me and help everyone and be able to do anything and everything for everybody that has problems and not give it another thought and always be busy doing something so that i don't have time to think.
because thinking is bad. very very bad. it brings out the worst in me and the things i want to be which makes me even more freaked that i'm never going to be this way or that way, whatever the world wants, i'm not.
i am alone. completely and utterly alone. i feel lost and unwanted.
i still felt this way when i was going out with chris. boys will not fix my happiness. NOTHING FIXES MY HAPPINESS.
i just lied there. god can fix my happiness. unfortunately, i might as well give up because i'm never going to be a good christian. i don't fit in ANYWHERE. i don't fit in with lauren and kelly and mark and scott. none of them are christian and their parents don't make them come home at 8 and 9oclock at night.i don't fit in with erin and ryan because...i don't know why, i feel like i'm not good enough to hang out with them. plus my parents think ry is weird bc of all his piercings and everything.
GOD!!!!!!! WTF IS GOING ON WITH ME GOD??!!
**scream in rage and confusion and frustration**
i want to feel loved and happy again. if ever i have, i want it back. i want that time back. please. please help me.