And Still He Watches Me 2
Title: And Still He Watches Me
Characters: Shockwave/Swindle
Description: non-con, disturbing, mind games galore. First person POV, from Swindle's perspective. He's locked in a cell directly across from Shockwave in the Autobot stockade. His state of mind and general well being degrades in a slow downward spiral as Shockwave amuses himself. You probably don't want to read this if you are easily disturbed.
Entry 40 ERROR - Entry 40 - Category Designation Stockade Imprisonment already contains file by that title. Select new title or make appropriate corrections
Entry 40 - Later - select task - rename - Entry 39 - Later transferring data to newly renamed file. Date transfer complete
Error corrected
Entry 40
Another bad sign. I incorrectly labelled one of yesterday's entries. Either I'm losing track of time due to unchanging scenery, or this is another problem I can attribute to lack of recharge. I don't need more problems to deal with right now. I really don't.
Speaking of problems; con on the right woke me up last night. Or should I say, prompted the guards to wake me by accident. The phrases "We can't stop you from doing that, but if you touch yourself one more time tonight we're welding your hands to it" and "Can I help it when he keeps sounding like that?" are not what you want to wake up to. Con on the left started in after that too, telling con on the right that he could "hear him from over here, and was sick of hearing it every night too, you depraved little fragger."
All disgusting evidence points to me still talking when I'm unconscious.
Shutting down again was out of the question, so I checked my systems. Apparently my overrides failed to stop my subprocessor from cutting off the program that mutes my vocalizer during recharge. I set up another two overrides for good measure.
All these programming issues are stemming from a lack of proper rest, and I know it, but there's nothing I can really do about the situation. The blacking out, the sleep-talk, and the inability to fight the urge to puke are all things I can thank Shockwave for, but until I shut down and give them all the opportunity to get back in shape, I'm stuck.
Entry 40 - Later
When I woke up from my stasis nap a few hours ago, con on the right piped up. "Pleasant dreams again," he said. "This is my favourite time of day, you know." Then he started to say something about when he broke out of here, he'd take me with him, give me a real reason to moan, but he stopped talking when Shockwave was wheeled back in. Shut up real quick.
Shockwave's looking at me now, as usual, but he looked at him first. There was no rage in that glance, but the contempt and warning within were all that were needed.
Hopefully that stops the masturbation sessions.
Entry 41
Shockwave has been awfully thoughtful all day. He still spent most of his time looking at me, occasionally trying to get me to talk to him, which I still do, though very reluctantly. But he spent alot of time considering his cell too.
This is a welcome reprieve, but I would like to know what he's doing. He'll focus on the upper corner in the back of his cell. After a while, he'll turn and look above my head, to the corresponding area of my own abode. I can't tell if its just a new way of making me paranoid, or if there's something else he has planned. He twitches his claws every now and then, or cocks his head, like he's sizing things up.
I'm worried, but I don't feel as awful as I usually do this cycle, so I've been using the time to try to reach some conclusions about my situation.
So without further ado, things I know:
Shockwave is a creepy slagger. He likes to pick a target whenever he is caged, and will focus solely on his target for weeks. The only known methods of making him stop thus far, are complete removal of said target.
Previous targets have been small yellow minibot, a guard, and then me. I know the minibot was young, small, mouthy, and very full of himself. The guard was similarly self confident, and a little taller than me. I know I am small for a con, if fairly average for a bot, and am usually confident and in control, if not so much lately. We're all confident. That's the only real connector I can make out so far.
Results for all three of us are the same. Unease, followed by extreme discomfort and anxiety. Problems sleeping are likely for all three of us, though I can't confirm that of the minibot.
Maybe Shockwave just likes breaking in mechs with zest for life.
Entry 42
Woke up to Shockwave in the hall today, stasis-cuffed, strapped down, and under triple guard, along with the usual guards in the hall.
They had some maintenance workers changing the grate on his vent, and welding a new one in, one with a grate so small it was like a mesh. I do not want to consider the ramifications of his studying the corners in our cells yesterday and them reinforcing the grates today. I am just going to be very, very glad they are doing so.
It's odd that the amount of noise they're making failed to wake me up. I'll chalk that up to further consequences of exhaustion. Speaking of exhaustion, I am going to take advantage of the fact that Shockwave is unable to move and facing away from me, and go back into recharge.
Entry 43
Today was mostly not so bad. It was my turn in the washracks, and I was thankful for this for multiple reasons. 1.) They took me to it first thing in the morning, which meant extra time away from Shockwave, 2.) it’s a welcome change of scenery, and 3.) I get to pretend I was washing away a number of disgusting feelings from the past week. I have a funny feeling they let me stay under the spray for longer than they were supposed to, but I’m glad they did. It just felt good to feel clean and unobserved for a little while. At one point, it looked like another guard was going to tell me to get out and dry off, and that my time was up, but the two that were on duty with me stopped him.
I feel better for the extra time. I don’t care if it was out of pity; I needed that. Shockwave telling me I smelled lovely on the way back was disturbing, but I can cope with that today. He got taken in for interrogation shortly after, so I got double the time away from him. I drank my ration, had my stasis nap, and as far as I’m concerned, bot on the right did not jack off to the sound of my voice today.
On a more troubling note; my guard’s buddy showed up for his shift with somebody new. I asked him where his old partner was, and he told me he’d been reassigned to guarding the med-bay, confirming my thoughts. He did wake me up right before they brought Shockwave back though, so he’s not so bad himself.
I wonder why he does that? Probably to assuage his guilt about watching Shockwave torture me.
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Entry 44
Slept surprising well last night. Been doing so for the last few days, which is bizarre, but not unwelcome. Either my self-preservation programming is kicking in and insisting Shockwave can't actually get me, or it's just insisting I sleep better, whether I want to or not. Haven't decided how I feel about this yet.
On the one servo; I think the overrides are working, as I've gotten no hints that I am talking while unconscious of late. More recharge means I'll start thinking better, and talking smoothly. That hasn't happened completely yet, but it is improving. Better health is a good thing, generally speaking.
On the other servo; I'm not waking up when I really should be, like when the maintenance bot was putting the mesh in, or when I woke up half way through that little verbal battle between the guards and con on the right a few days ago. And if he is that loud when he's... listening to me, loud enough for con on the left to hear him and be bothered, shouldn't that on its own wake me, since I'm closer?
This is either exhaustion taking charge of my systems and saying "Too bad Swindle, you're going to sleep, and you are going to sleep deeply," or I'm getting sick. I don't really want to come down with a glitch, but if it gets me into the medbay and away from my secret admirer, there is an upside.
Still, despite all of this, I'm feeling mildly positive. A good night's rest does wonders.
Entry 45
I've still got a clear processor going on, so I'm going to take advantage of that today. I'm getting nowhere trying to draw a link between the three of us (guard, minibot, me), so I'm going to see what I can figure out about me specifically. I'm slowly rooting through all my memory databanks to see if I've saved any business interactions with Shockwave that could give me a clue. I'll be at this for days, so I don't expect anything to pop up immediately.
Nothing particularly notable so far, just supply and demand stuff. I never did talk too long with Shockwave, as he always did make me a little uneasy. Never could put a finger on why, though I'm wondering if it was some early warning system now, something my subprocessor picked up on that I missed, being focused on a sale.
Day to day life is the same as it always is, with a little change to the routine. My day usually goes like this; Wake up to Shockwave staring at me, try not to look at him. Shockwave says good morning, asks how my night was, exchange of niceties. Silence, change of guard, more silence, unless he tries to get us talking again. Shockwave goes to interrogation, I get my ration, and have a stasis nap. I wake up at Shockwave's return (or my former guard's co-worker rouses me from recharge), more talking or silence, depending on how much of a sulk Shockwave is in. Everyone else gets their ration, more time passes, more staring and either silence or verbal probe, recharge time for everyone. Wash, rinse, repeat.
For about the last week, I have not woken up immediately when Shockwave has. I seem to wake only when I have fully rested myself, or when I am interrupted by continuous noise. If my guard's partner is on duty, he will rouse me before Shockwave arrives from interrogation.
Oh, and one last change; before I go for the stasis nap, con on the right attempts to dirty talk to me. Vulgar, cheap words that he likes to whisper through the wall. Depending on who's on duty, some of the guards will tell him to stop, while others just seem to ignore it.
He never, ever does this when Shockwave is in his cell. I'd honestly find him laughable if I didn't know what he does to himself while I'm asleep. He's cowardly and pathetic, but I'm glad I can't see him or he me. Hopefully I never run into him on the outside.
Entry 46
Another deep recharge. Still feeling refreshed, if troubled. Like I said, good night's rest, but I don't know what's going on, and I don't like Shockwave being up that much longer than I am.
He was asking me if I'd ever modified myself today. Wouldn't drop the subject. He pointed out my shoulder guards, the larger armour I have on my forearms, etc. Said they seemed a little big on my frame, and that he was curious what kind of alterations I'd made to myself over the stellar-cycles. I tried to dodge the subject, laugh it off, get him on another topic, but he was very invested in his agenda. I tried just not talking to him, but then he'd get all "Oh, come now. Don't be like that." He says he's just curious, and wants to know what I looked like when I'd first been sparked. Said he's never had anything done that altered his appearance, just the whole stretching and mass-shifting disguise thing, which didn't really change what he fundamentally looked like. Said he was just pondering what desires might prompt another mech to alter themselves.
I told him it was a trade secret, and that I didn't particularly want to discuss it with him. Then I asked him about his secretary, which got him off topic for a little while. He does like talking about that minibot, though he's very careful not to mention anything incriminating about his spying days while there's autobots near by.
Entry 47
Weird stuff again today. In regards to the guards this time.
I got my ration when Shockwave departed, as usual. I put off drinking for a bit, just enjoying not being watched. I've been getting enough recharge at night, so I wasn't as desperate for my stasis nap as I usually am, and having a full tank has been making me sleepy of late. Hearing me still moving around, con on the right started his new routine, with a little added whining this time. Apparently I have not been talking much in my sleep, so good for me. Overrides are doing what they should, but this does not make con on the right as pleased as it does me; there goes his ugly little happy hour. I'm ignoring him, but am a little disgusted at this point, and put down my ration cup, put off of my meal. What the slag, I figure. I can just swig that down when I hear them come back with Shockwave. I still won't get watched, and I still get refuelled.
But the guards aren't having it. They tell con on the right to be quiet (which is strange for the pair on duty, they usually just ignore him), and then they tell me to drink up. I tell them I'm not hungry, and that I would drink it before Shockwave got back, so they wouldn't have to worry. They say to do it anyway. I counter, pointing out that as medium risk prisoner, I can take my ration whenever I like, provided I don't try any funny business with it, which to date, I have not. They say that's true to a point, but that circumstances have changed, as have their orders. And would I please just drink my ration and not make this any more difficult then it needs to be.
I wanted to make it difficult at that point, but frankly, they're both bigger than me, so I took my time to be a nuisance, but I drink. I get sleepy like I have been, go down for my stasis nap, wake up well after Shockwave's gotten back.
He tells me I seemed peaceful.
Entry 48
Finished that scan on all my prior-to-incarceration interactions with Shockwave. I think I'm onto something, but I really hope I'm wrong. Most of what I've found in regards to him talking about me is nothing noticeably of major on its own. Just little bits of creepiness that are easy enough to shrug off for a good sale. But when they're all connected like this... there's a pattern.
Like studying me over his side of the screen for a moment, and saying, "You're rather on the small side, aren’t you? Quite diminutive really." Or "Your proportions are a little odd, if you don't mind me saying. They make you seem quite tiny, much smaller than you actually are." I tended to brush these off. They're offensive, and none of his business, but they're just one-off comments. Nothing I felt I had to be aware of. I just made sure I never did deals with him in person, try as he might to persuade me. Like I said; he made me uneasy. I'd just tell him that sales over a comm. line and using private transwarp bridges were easier, and more economical. And it was. Also meant I never had to get near him.
Then there's his sales records. He'd buy some of the usual stuff from me, like my primary trade in weapons. I am a weapons dealer, after all. But sometimes he'd get other things off me, just strange things that would get accumulated, or he'd offer to pay extra for if I could get them. Tiny stasis cuffs, little containment cells, sedatives. I never knew what he was doing with those, and I never wanted to know.
I don't want to follow this train of though. I really want to be wrong.
Entry 48 - Later
I narrowly avoided throwing up again. I was taking my ration at my now officially designated time when con on the right did his usual. I didn't reply and just tuned him out, but a few words snaked through and stuck out. He was saying what a sweet little morsel I was, what I prize. How much he wanted to get at that delicious little bounty I was keeping from him blah blah blah creepy nonsense blah.
The words 'prize' and 'bounty' just kept circling around my head. And somehow, I get the notion that I should try doing a related cross-search, between a few visits I had with Lockdown in relation to the dates of certain sales I'd made with Shockwave. The ones with the odd items I usually didn't carry. I got the results and almost heaved.
There weren't many of them, but by three incidences, I think you can call this a conclusive pattern. Within a deca-cycle of my selling Shockwave his special order, it seems Lockdown would bring him a special order of his own. I generally avoided the rooms in his ship where he carries his bounties, the cells and the medbay gone wrong. But twice when I had to be in there, a minibot was strapped down, once in complete stasis, another time mute, but mouthing at me desperately. Pleading with his eyes. The third incidence didn't involve me actually seeing an autobot, but is the most damning.
I got there a little early for a sale, but Lockdown told me to stay, just sit and wait. Said it wouldn't take a nanoklik. So I sit, and he goes back to his communications screen. He's talking to Shockwave, closing a deal. Shockwave's just sent him a vid of the bot he's looking for. I didn't think much of it at the time, didn't pay much attention. Just heard Lockdown snort something about "so that'll be your usual order then?" and sign out. My memory banks aren't too clear on who was on that video file, but if I stop and think, I know what frame type that autobot had.
Sloped shoulders guards. Just like that first guard. Just like that minibot before he gained that new alt. A frame type with proportions uncomfortably similar to my own.
How many have their been?
And now he's back and staring at me again. Oh Primus, oh Primus, I don't want to fuel that fetish. And I slept through him coming back, so he was able to watch me without me knowing again. I shouldn't be able to sleep through that knowing what I know. I can't keep sleeping through that.
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Entry 49
I slept well last night. I did not wake up once. After what I've just learned, that should not be happening. I keep scanning, hoping to find a glitch, or an explanation, but nadda. I don't know if being this coherent is worth the time I can't watch Shockwave watching me.
Not after I found out why he watches me. Not when I can imagine what he did with all those minibots. I shudder to think about it. I mean, I'm a con, I'm not a good mech. I'm selfish, and greedy and I'll trample the elderly to get what I want. But I don't stoop to that, and I've never sold a bot. And I did a bit more digging this morning, when I calmed down. There's a few incidences, rare and they only happened early on, when Shockwave was first testing to see what he could buy from me. There were things he'd requested... toys, heavy-duty restraints that held a prisoner in awkward angles, weird magnetised things I'd only heard of in the dankest alleys. I only ever picked up something weird along those lines for him once, and the colony I got it from wierded me out so bad I wound up charging him double for it. I've never been back to that quadrant since. The whole place reeked of desperation and depravity. The item itself wasn't so bad; just some sort form of forceps, but the place was disgusting.
I wound up informing him that I wouldn't be picking up anything of that nature for him again, especially if it was in a dirty little scum hole like that. He'd understood, and that had been the end of it.
How many times did he try to meet me mech to mech, in person? What would have happened to me had I agreed? I'm somewhat useful to Megatron, but would that have saved me? It’s not doing me much good right now.
He probably thinks about that whole sick collection of his when he looks at me.
Entry 50
I'm still anxious, but I've calmed down again. I'm sure Shockwave is still thinking nightmarish thoughts about me, but he's over there, and I am over here. He can't get me. Maybe all I really need is a good night's sleep. It seems to solve alot of problems. I feel a little dull though. I can think, and that's good, but my emotions are kind of muted. Shockwave's a little irritated. I'm no fun to play with when I don't care.
That's not true. I still want out, and I still want Shockwave to leave me alone, but despite a little voice in the back of my processor screaming panic, I can't rouse myself enough to give a cog. I'm a little disturbed by this. When did I become so acclimated to the situation that I could tune out my fear?
Fear is how I protect myself. It's a warning.
Old guard's buddy is on duty today. He seems guilty but relieved when ever he spares me a glance. I'm making note of it, so I don't forget.
Perhaps all this is some sort of stress-induced depression?
Entry 51
I'm breaking pattern here and logging first thing in the morning. Shockwave is up first. Greeted me with a "Good morning sleepy-head." He tells me I twitch and stir for a few cycles before I actually get up. He finds it "quite charming." Freak.
This is going to be hard to concentrate on while he stares at me. He seems especially pleased today. Says I look "peppy."
Anyway, onto business. I'm writing this log first thing in the morning, because looking over yesterday's entry, which I entered immediately before my stasis nap, something seems off. That is not my usual internal voice. I mean it's me, but it's not. I can't quite explain. This today, is much more me. It feels more like I'm speaking than like I'm recording. I like my log entries to be conversational, and that other one? Wasn't.
I'm still in a strangely good mood, that hasn't changed, but I do believe I was right in attributing that to resting up properly for quite a while now. So why do I get so sluggish by the afternoon, and why is it so easy to sleep? Theoretically, if I'm well rested and healthy enough to notice things like a change in my internal voice, shouldn't I also be able to stay up for long periods if I so please?
...
Shockwave's started humming that little tune of his again, but no tapping yet. New guards, fresh to the hall today. He's taking advantage of that fact to try something he knows bothers me. I spared him a glance, and he cocked his head. Asked me if I knew what unusually large optics I had. He apparently enjoys how expressive they are.
You stay creepy there, one-eye.
Entry 51 - Later
Slight altercation with the guards. Chose not to drink my ration immediately, as I know it'll make me sleepy, and I'm still puzzling over the state of my mental health and looking for a glitch. New guards told me to drink, as they had been ordered to ensure I did so. Now I'm suspicious, so I tell them fine, and take a couple of sips while they watch, but fake swallowing. When they turn away, satisfied, I spat it discreetly back into the container, and snuck it under the berth when I went to lay down, spilling it under there with my foot. Sneaky I thought. They won't notice that for a while, and I can take not fuelling up for a day.
A few cycles later, they both go quiet. They'd been chatting, but now they seemed to be listening.
They ask when I'm still online. I don't answer, and keep my optics shut down, faking it. Con on the right chooses right then to tell me to quit faking, because he knows just what my vents sound like when I'm powered down, and that's not it.
If I ever meet him face to face, I am going to punch him.
So one of the guards enters my cell, sees the spill, ask why I wasted it. I tell them the truth; when I'm full I get sleepy, and I wanted to think. They say I've got all the time on Cybertron to think right now, that I've got nothing to do but think, but that when I am given my ration, I am to drink up. The other guard comes in now, with a new cube. Tries to shove it in my servos, but I won't take it. I tell him to drink it. He grabs me, I fight back, minor scuffle ensues until the first guard to enter the cell breaks it up. Catcalls can be heard from con on the right, and aggressive guard tells him he'd "better not be touching himself when they leave this cell." Calmer guard leads aggressive guard out, they talk a little, report something quietly over their com. lines to a superior. Go back to guarding.
It's late. I'm not sleeping, and right now, I don't want to be. Shockwave asked why I was upset when he got back, but I refused to talk to him, so he just stared.
It gave me a proper set of creepy crawlies up my backstrut this time, just like it should. He seemed pleased, and clicked his claws in a happy way until he went into recharge. I'm staying up to watch him. His claws twitch when he's really deep into his rest cycle. Dreaming horrible dreams featuring me, probably.
What was in that energon? Because I no longer believe whatever was getting me to sleep was a glitch.
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Entry 52
A little on the sleepy side for lack of recharge, but I can think clearly again, and am back to full horrible attention to reality. But at least I'm also back to being properly me. I'm scared, but I'm focused, and I am in control. That doesn't make Shockwave any less intimidating, but it gives me back the ability to fight and resist.
He tried asking about possible modifications I may have had again today, but I dodged all his questions pretty easily. I'm on my game, and he's not sure if he likes it. Oh he definitely enjoys my full attention, and he loves telling me how nice it is to see me up and alert, but he's back to gaining no new information from me, and he can't make me falter or struggle to keep up in a coy duel of words.
You're an old mech Shockwave, an old mech with a lifetime of experience and tactics I can never hope to learn, but words are what I do. They are my battleground, my fortress, and my sanctuary. Can't get me in here.
Still refusing my ration. I can go solar cycles without refuelling, it's not good for me, but I can do it. And until I get a guard who'll agree to drink before I do, I'll keep refusing. The one upside to not being huge is not needing as much fuel. They've been giving me about a quarter the amount of the other prisoners’ daily allotment, which is still twice what I need to keep my systems at optimum efficiency.
I do need to keep up with my recharge time if I'm not consuming anything to fuel myself with though. I'll fight about the ration, but I see no harm in my scheduled stasis-nap. I've even got guards on who protest to con on the right pleasuring himself, so that won't be an issue haunting my dreams.
Entry 53
I'm back to having Shockwave act as my alarm system. He starts watching me, I wake up. No more unobserved leering for him. I'm going to be suffering for lack of proper rest again soon, but it’s worth it to keep an optic on him.
My guard's partner was on again today. Came to bring me my ration himself. Politely asked me to drink it. I gave him my most winning smile, and said sure I would. He was trustworthy after all. Always woke me up before Shockwave got back, and he’d been the one to tell me where my guard had gone. Bot’s face lit right up. He looked so relieved. Still smiling, I asked him, as a trusted acquaintance, to please do what no guard had yet done for me, and drink first. He takes half. I take half. That's fair, isn't it?
He kept that big goofy grin on his face, but you could see the distress in his optics. He tried to assure me again it was fine, nothing wrong with it, that it wouldn't hurt me. I said that was all well and good, and I trusted him, oh my yes, but I wasn't so sure about the bot that put all the rations together. Silly of me, of course, and I'd never doubt my good friend, but just to ease my mind. Just half a cube. He was a big bot after all, that wasn't much to him.
We went back and forth like this for a few kliks, until finally, defeat written all over his face (though he gets points for keeping up his posture), he threw back half the cube. His fellow guard in the hall had to bite back his shock. He very much looked like he wanted to run in and stop him. To his credit, he kept smiling when he handed me the cube. I smiled back, shrugged, and threw it back in solidarity. Or made him think I did. I actually just held it in the back of my throat, held my hands up in a "Okay, so I was wrong, sorry 'bout that' gesture, and went to lie down. He manages to walk out of my cell and reassume his post without staggering. His new partner kept looking at him sideways, worried. So after a reasonable amount of time, I fake that I'm in recharge, relax my posture, go limp, vent as close to an unconscious pattern as I can. The minute I do, the guard sways on his feet a little, then falls to his knees before his friend can catch him. His partner kept him from falling flat on his face, but he was out like a light.
Two more guards show up, one to carry the unconscious guy off, the other staying as a replacement.
The next time they looked in my cell, I looked them both in the optics, rolled to the side of my bunk, and spat it all out.
Trustworthy guards my skidplate. Gullible, but not bright.
Entry 54
Fourth day refusing my ration. Shockwave is expressing his concern. He's not around to see me eat anymore, but he's suspicious. I keep staying up for much of the night simply because he is not, and it’s peaceful time for me, or at least as peaceful as I can get. And that Megacycle he's gone in interrogation is simply not enough recharge time to counter my lack of fuel consumption. He says I look peckish, and seem agitated. And he keeps extending one of his endless invitations to talk. We're neighbours now, after all, and it's only natural to care about the well being of one's cohorts.
I'm going to try to go into my stasis nap as soon as he's gone today. No wasting time logging when I should be resting. And if I'm already asleep, maybe I won't have to argue about the rations today. I know something's in it. They know something's in it. Someone has to offer an explanation eventually.
That's enough of this for now. I need to conserve energy.
Entry 55
Starting to feel the effects of refusing all sustenance now. I feel heavy again, like I did when I was drugged, but I can still think, if not clearly, and I can still feel properly. Shockwave remains creepy, and that is how it should be.
Also creepy; con on the right wakes me up now too, during my stasis nap specifically. Exhaustion and starvation are making me talk in my sleep. No wonder con on the left complains, the pervert really is vocal about it. Set up more overrides again, which is the only thing I can do.
Final note to self; it’s not only the other cons that are bigger than me down here. The guards are all massive, especially for autobots. They wouldn't stick out too much, size wise, from many cons. Which makes sense, really. Big guys guarding big guys.
Entry 56
Continuing yesterday's note; the guards serve two functions in relation to Shockwave, I think. First, they're too big for him to take much interest in. They also share none of the characteristic armour found on minibots. Nothing for him to fetishise or target. Second, they make me look even smaller in comparison.
The cell does this too. Most of the berths are small on this level. It’s all cons, and they tend to sleep sitting up. They don't like to lay down, and it goes against their programming as war machines. They were made to be ready to go into attack mode at a moment’s notice, and rise instantly into full wakefulness should they need to. Doesn't take them long to rouse themselves. Consequently, their berths are quite small for their size. They only need a seat.
Mine on the other hand, is roomy enough for a large autobot. When I first got here, I could appreciate that, as my programming does leave me preferring to recline during recharge, and who says no to a roomy bed? I thought I'd just lucked out because I was in an area where most prisoners were expected to be large. Now I can see that just makes me look small too, as does the height of my cell. All the better for Shockwave.
That's enough for now. I've logged more than I should have.
Entry 57
I'm in the med bay. Got escorted here this morning.
After a full six solar cycles of refusing to take my ration, I finally got my answer. I got cuffed and removed from my cell (but not stasis cuffed - medium risks don't need it, and I was too weak to fight much anyway), and told I had an appointment, but not with whom I had it. Shockwave called out an almost wistful goodbye, told me to come back soon. Tells the guards to be careful with me. He doesn't want anything to happen to his "favourite little bot."
Wait, I just caught that. "Favourite little bot?" That's doubly insulting and bad news. I don’t want to be his favourite little anything, but I’m no autobot.
Anyway;
We head to an elevator, and I don't remember much else. I think I may have powered down on my feet. So either I sleepwalked or they carried me the rest of the way. Next thing I know, I'm in a room so stark and bright it could only be the home of medics. And sure enough, up pops an autobot in red and white.
He asks me how I'm feeling.
I tell him he's the medic. What does he think?
He snorted and told me to relax and recharge for as long as I like. He had things to do, and he'll talk to me when he gets back.
He's right, I should be resting now, and I am lying back. But I want to stay awake for a little while. I just want to enjoy this.
I feel okay. I feel - safe, for the first time in a long time.
Entry 57 - later
I stayed in recharge for a long time, and for much longer than I meant to. I'm surprised the medic didn't wake me earlier, but he assured me he wanted me to rest. Even asked if I wanted to catch a few more mega-cycles. Not just cycles, megacycles. When I said I was fine, he handed me some high grade that was a little too pungent for my tastes. I was looking at it funny, and about to refuse when he shrugged, took it back, and took a swig. We both waited a little while, and when he didn't seem any the worse for wear, I drank the rest. When I'd finished, he handed me two more, told me to drink those too. When I told him I didn't want to get drunk, he assured me that I wouldn't, that this was a specially distilled for medical purposes. I managed to drink all three, which should tell you how hungry I was.
Once he was sure I didn't want to go into any more stasis and that I was full as he could get me, he sat down across from my berth. Told me to ask him my questions about the rations.
So I did. I asked him what was in, why I was being drugged, and how long it had been going on.
The energon and occasional oil I'd been getting had sleeping compounds, relaxants, and more lately, a tiny bit of some kind of mood lifting element. The medic had been assigned to me way back when I first got here (apparently this is standard protocol for all prisoners), and had kept up with me after I'd been moved to the higher risk areas below. He'd been concerned about my sleeping habits and drastic attitude change, and started lacing my rations after my failed attempt to find a 'happy place' away from Shockwave. The worse I got, the more he put in. He tried to keep it low enough not to interfere with me or my processor, and didn't slip the mood-lifter in until last week. As I kept getting worse, he kept upping the dosage, and eventually it was enough to keep me knocked out for a good long while. He even managed to give it a staggering affect; first stage making me immediately drowsy, second stage coming much later in the day, when it would be more normal for me to want to go into recharge, and therefore not as noticeable.
This all made me furious and I got quiet like I do when I am well and truly angry. I asked him what right he thought he had to do that to me. He said I deserved to be angry, and that he didn't blame me, but he didn't know what else to do, since he couldn't do what needed to be done and just remove me entirely, and knew I wouldn’t just take the drugs if they were given to me.
I snapped that I didn't need his help, that I could cope fine on my own. He looked at me long and hard then. After a few cycles of uncomfortable silence, he asked when I'd last seen myself in a mirror. I didn't get why that was important, so I asked him what he meant. Told him I hadn't since before I was incarcerated.
He held up a finger, a silent gesture to wait, and left the room. Came back with a mirror, one of those ones they use for operations.
I didn't recognise the mech I saw in it.
He looked haunted and twitchy, very small inside his armour, like he wanted to hide in it. There was a bit of bravado around the edges, but it was so desperate and forced. That mech was not me. Looked like me, but it just didn't fit.
The medic let me look at that broken face, my face for a little while, and then put the mirror down. Told me that as bad as I was, I still looked ten times better than when he decided to start drugging me to sleep. He said watching me deteriorate was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. Told me that's what had happened to my guard. That he just couldn't take it anymore, especially when I'd been talking in my sleep. That was something else he'd been trying to drug away. All those problems I'd been having were from the paranoia and the exhaustion, not the drugs. He said if I didn't believe him I could watch clips of myself from when Shockwave first got here up to now.
I told him no. I'd take his word on it. I didn't want to see.
He said he was going to leave me to sleep some more, and that he'd talk to me again in the morning.
I don't know what to think.
Entry 58
These are my options; take the drugged ration every day, with my full consent. Or refuse it, and deal with the consequences.
I take the drug, I get to sleep. I don't have to know what Shockwave is doing at all times. But I won't know what Shockwave is doing at all times, that's the problem. I can either not sleep, but keep alert, or sleep, and be completely unguarded from his prying optic.
Sleep and be vulnerable, or stay awake and destroy myself?
I need to think. I have the day to decide, but I feel like I need more time.
Entry 58 - Later
I don't need to give him an answer until morning. I'm only logging this so I can read it later, to remind me how peaceful it is in the medbay. A little note to myself about how it feels to not be watched all the time, not have somebody fantasising about doing horrible things to you and staring.
Safe and comfortable and alone.
Entry 59
I'm back in my cell. Just finished my ration, and just my ration. The medic did his best to talk me out of it, but I stood firm and he relented. Said if I ever changed my mind, to just tell the guards, but that ultimately it was my choice.
It was a long walk back to home sweet home. I had an escort on either side, so I can never really see my neighbours. Shockwave was happy enough to have me back. Greeted me pleasantly and then got down to his normal leering business. And it really was just straight up leering today. He'd study one piece of me, then another, just roving silently over my body. His gaze is penetrative enough that it's like he's actually touching me. I shudder to think of what it would feel like to actually be in his reach.
I'm trying to nap, but con on the right wants me to stay up and talk to him. It seems he's saved up quite a number of dirty little ideas for me.
Almost makes me want the drugs. But in the end I'd rather hear him then go to sleep knowing he's touching himself and pretending it's me getting him off, me he’s thrusting into instead of his servo. That fantasy is all he'll ever get from me, and he can't be this vocal about it all the time, either con on the left will get slagged off or the guards will. It'll stop someday.
And if I was on drugs, I wouldn't have noticed the guards' subtle change in attitude toward Shockwave. I wouldn't go so far as to say they like him, but he's been agreeable enough about letting them put his stasis cuffs on him, and acknowledged them when they came on shift. Two of the new guys. This is something I need to keep my optics open for. I never would have noticed while doped up.
-----
Entry 60
Older guards on shift today, and Shockwave is his usual distant self with them. He's not going out of his way to be difficult, and he's co-operative as required, but not the same treatment as he gives the newer guards. I'll continue to keep an optic on that.
He's sitting at his berth and standing in the corner alot too, staring at me, and periodically into space. I wouldn't mind him not looking at me except that that means he is thinking about something else, and I don't know if I like that. It seems like something you'd do if you were planning, or deep in contemplation. When coming from Shockwave, plans are bad.
It's like that thing with the ventilation system. It never came to anything, thank fragging Primus, but we've got little to do in here but think, and in Shockwave's case, stare so very lovingly and longingly across the hall. After so many years of doing business with him, I've gotten to learn that Shockwave is a mech who knows what he wants and will work to get it if need be. That's the other thing about him; work ethic like a super computer.
And hot slag is he intelligent. I don't want to cut myself short, I'm no fool, but if I want to stay one step ahead of him, I cannot let my guard down for an instant. This is a con who managed to pass himself off as an autobot, a fairly young autobot for a very, very long time, and who never had his cover blown, not really. He chose to exit himself, as far as I know, never got forced out of it. He knows how to talk, he knows how to act, how to fabricate a story or persona to fool a certain audience.
I'm giving him as little time alone to talk with any guards as I can. I know I'm better with words and false pleasantness than he is, but I can't afford to slip here. He knows what he wants and I can't afford anyone here thinking he deserves it, even for a nanoklik. No doubt, no curiosity, no uncertainty. The minute he makes them ponder is the minute I can kiss my functioning days goodbye.
Entry 61
Still staring at different corners of his cell, but nowhere in particular. I attribute this to another set of old guards, the ones who were on duty the day they put that new grate on his vent, actually. Which means he is definitely up to something, as he knows that they know to watch him if he does anything out of the ordinary.
I'm glad they're keeping Shockwave from delving too deeply into his newest plot to make me go mad, but if he can't think, he's back to doing his usual.
It’s been a little over five deca-cycles. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. After all, a salesmech's pitch is an act, you want an audience, and you want rapt attention. I'm very good at getting that and keeping it. But that's not the kind of attention Shockwave is giving to me so lavishly. Now that I know why he stares, I don't know how I ever missed it before. Could be the expressionless faceplate, but really, that's not excuse on my part. I've seen this look in a con’s optics before, and I have my own ways of dealing with it. I can laugh it off, ignore it, glare pointedly, offer to sell them the locations of some quality grade pleasure-mods, or as a last defence, casually mention my business as a weapons dealer, and use some weaponry that I have personaly installed as an example. You don't need to resort to violence, just make your disinterest very clear, and direct their attention elsewhere.
I can't do that with Shockwave. All those methods work with the idea that I can extricate myself quickly and quietly, or that the con in question is not personally invested in me specifically, just what appears to be an easy 'face who can't throw them off if the answer is no. Con on the right is a good example of this, though I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of the persistent ones who would require the weaponry demonstration.
But this doesn't work here. I'm locked in, so I can't get away from Shockwave. He's not interested in a sale of any kind, not that I could conduct one in here anyway. He can't get to any POW comfort slave I sell him the location of, even though I know a few that cater to his fetish. And even if he could get to them, he wants me. He's been staring at me for a long time now, and he's itching for a very special, very personal sample of my wares.
I know he can't get out, but with that whole patient aura of his… it's like he's biding his time.
Entry 62
No nap today, as con on the right was feeling especially frisky and kept waking me up. When he didn't, con on the left did by swearing at him to stop. Guards didn't do much until a few cons down the hall shouted for them both to keep it down, at which point they threatened to knock them both out.
I should note that con on the left did not tell me to shut up, so while I am back to talking in my sleep, at least it's not at a volume Shockwave can hear.
Speak of the devil; he's back in his cell now, and he can see I'm exhausted. Interrogation must have gone badly for him today, since he looks about ready to power down too. Hurray for me. The worse he's feeling, the more sleep I can get. He tends to turn so he's facing sideways from where I am when he sleeps, leaning slightly forward, facing the wall, but at a slight angle. I think he likes to keep an eye on the guards before he shuts off for the night.
Primus I need some down time.
Entry 64errorNumerical entry point skipped - AutoCorrect in 3 2 1 - correct entry point - 63 - restating...restating...
Entry 63
Slag it. I know I didn't get enough rest if I'm messing up on log entries again. When was the last time I did that...Entry 40. Bad sign, that's two screw-ups way too close together.
So Shockwave seems to have slept well, and he's recovered from his rotten day yesterday. Quite chipper this morning. Noted I did not share his enthusiasm for the new day. He's trying to bug me while simultaneously looking friendly to another one of the newer pairs of guards. I tried to ingratiate myself to them for future endeavours in information gathering, but they just told me they knew how my schedule worked and that I should go to sleep. Con on the right echoed their sentiments, and they told him to be quiet. If they're amicable to Shockwave, at least they're not toward that disgusting excuse for a con. His cell's floor must be covered in interfacing fluid by now. Ugh. Either that or they make him clean it up himself. Who knows, I can't see for a half-rusted cog in here.
They're right of course. I should get some recharge time while I can, especially in light of last night. Shockwave may have slept well, but something kept waking me up. I'm chalking it up to paranoia, but I kept feeling like something was brushing against my thigh or my faceplate every time I got deep into recharge. Touching me anywhere really. My arm, my tires, my neck. At first I thought it was some kind of air-flow thing from the vents in such a closed area, coupled with the constant fear of Shockwave getting at me in my dreams, so I just kept pulling whatever was dangling over the birth back on it when I woke up. Those were the only parts that felt contact at first, so I thought that must be it. But then I'd feel it on other parts of my body that weren't that close to the edge. I couldn’t' fragging sleep longer than a breem straight all night.
I'm glitching up again, and much sooner than I anticipated.
Shockwave being so blasted perky this cycle is just capping if off beautifully.
Slagging. Pitspawned. Axle-muncher.
------
Entry 64
Another day, another sleepless night, and another chipper morning with Shockwave. Oh joy, oh bliss. How will I contain my happiness?
Another set of newer guards this morning, don't even recognise these two. Must have started when I was still in the med-bay. When they heard Shockwave's escort coming down the hall, they actually said "Interrogation time big guy."
Big guy. Really? I mean seriously now? Don't get me wrong, they weren't all buddy-buddy with him, but that’s a very familiar term considered beneath one of Megatron's commanders. He didn't even growl, just sort of looked at them and shrugged noncommittally. The frag is that about? I don't like it. Clearly, they've had some conversations in my absence.
I waited until they'd started going up and down the hall on patrol after assuming I'd gone to sleep to start asking questions. The guards themselves pulled the same bit as the ones yesterday when I asked them about it, telling me to wind-down and take it easy, like I was some frantic nut job. Frag em. So I ask con on the left instead. He ignores me for a minute, but like everyone, he had a price; in this case the password to get into a rather exclusive bar on a colony in sector 89. Good high-grade, friendly wait-staff who're very easy on the optics, and an excellent floor show. One of those places a mech hears about but only very specific cons ever get to see. Really should go back there some time, excellent service. But that's enough escapism for now.
Con on the left tells me Shockwave's did alot of talking with the newer guards while I was gone. He couldn't hear about what exactly, they were quiet, and he wasn't all that interested, but he did notice that he only did it with the very newest ones, guards who hadn't adjusted to him yet, maybe didn't know about the mind games. And he heard my name mentioned a few times with something like concern on Shockwave's part.
That's as far as we got, since con on the right could hear us whispering and started asking why I never come talk - sorry, why I never "come over and whisper dirty nothings in his audio", which the guards overheard. They came back, told me to go lie down and wouldn't leave until I went into stasis.
I'm going to need to proceed very carefully here. But first, I really, really need to nap.
Entry 65
Old guards on duty last night and another pair of familiar faces this morning, including my old guard's partner - frag it, I'm just going to start calling him my guard. The other bot isn't coming back any time soon. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the psychological idea of them being there or if they fixed some error in the ventilation system, but no weird sensations to rouse me, and a complete night's stasis are nice things I am choosing not to question.
Actually got some good recharge time in, which was very nice. Shockwave is still happy with me today, but not in the same kind of high mood he was previously. I'm trying to work out if "good old Shockwave" is for the benefit of the new guards, an act to make him seem less sinister and more friendly in a very unfriendly place, or if there's a factor I'm missing. Maybe I'm overthinking this, and he's just not as happy when I'm not miserable.
But that doesn't entirely make sense. It doesn't follow any previous pattern. He likes fragging with my mind, and he likes me vulnerable mentally and emotionally, but he likes me alert enough to notice too. I know that, from my previous experience being drugged into a proper sleeping pattern. He didn't like me dopey, and pointed my condition out to both me and the guards. So why wouldn't my being rested and alert and ready to be mind-fragged with appeal to him now?
I'm missing something here, but I'll worry about it when he gets back. My new 'my guard' doesn't like chronic-self-service-con any more than I do, so I can sleep all through Shockwave's absence, and I plan to. I'm taking advantage of this.
Entry 65 - Later
I'm pretty rested up right now, between last night and this afternoon, so I'm staying up for a little while now that Shockwave is slumbering. He's sleeping the same as he was before, side-on to me, facing the wall and ever so slightly towards the guards. One servo is in his lap, the other one, the one that's further from me, he's got down by his side. Pretty well the same as last time I saw him.
Still, the whole touchy-feely incident makes me leery. He can't touch me, and I know that. Besides the vents, there's no way for him to do so. Between him and me, you've got two thick panels, two guards, three force fields that would knock him on his aft if he so much as tapped them, and a hallway.
So why can't I shake the feeling that he's responsible? Well, the obvious answer is because he freaks me out. I've been stared at for breems and breems, he's made his intentions very clear, I'm not sleeping well, and I know for a fact he's up to something right now. Why shouldn't I be paranoid?
But I feel there's more to it. He can't physically touch me. I keep telling myself that, so why can't I shake this?
Entry 66
Despite my troubling thoughts, another good night. There's indifferent guards on duty right now, who don't particularly react much to Shockwave, or to con on the right, but if masturbot is going to wake me up later, I can deal with it. I've had some good stasis lately. And who knows, maybe the phantom stasis touches were a one-time deal, and I won't suffer those anymore.
Talked a bit more with con on the left today, which is easier to do when you've got a pair of guards on who for the most part ignore us. Asked him this time if he could recall any other words he might have heard Shockwave say. He said again that he couldn't be sure, and that he didn't know about the guards either. All three in any conversation they had were careful to keep their voices low, and he couldn't read their lips, since two of them had their backs to him and the third, well. No face plate, no mouth. Can't fault him there.
So I pressed him for information about their body language, and whatever kind of tone of voice he could make out. He had to think about that one, but he said the guards seemed to be... intent, maybe sympathetic, if not to Shockwave, then to whatever he was talking about. Con on the left’s angle wasn't the best for seeing much of Shockwave, and he's pretty sure Shockwave stood where he did to make sure of that, but he said he seemed lonely, a little guilty, reminded him of a mech reminiscing about happier times that he missed. That was all he had, but he said he'd be happy to share whatever else he could figure out if I could share another club or bar entry. I thanked him, like you should in a good client-buyer relationship, and went to lie down and think before my nap.
What was he talking about to those guards? And what would they be stupid enough to believe?
Entry 67
New guards and I slept like slag. I sense a pattern.
Luckily I got enough recharge time the two days previous again to stay up and watch Shockwave before letting myself go. Same posture, same tilt of the head. I paid very close attention to his servos this time. One in his lap, one at the side, same as before. Hand on his opposite side difficult for me to see, dangling off the edge of his berth. I did notice this time though that he keeps one pede slightly under the berth, blocking my view of his servo. Blocking the guards view too. I'm going to see if he does that when the more experienced guards are on duty.
He's close to the wall the grate is on, since his berth is situated near it, at the back of the cell. But the grate doesn't look touched, and if he was going to pull it out, it'd make a slag of a lot of noise. He can't get through that again. I know he can't. It's just not physically possible.
I want to believe it's just paranoia. That this is a rational, well, not rational, but certainly explainable fear on my part. I mean it is. There is no reason for that not to be an explanation. It makes so much sense.
But something I saw last night, saw more than once, just keeps feeding that little seed of doubt.
The touches are somewhat more... let's call them intimate, now. More like stroking or petting. I still can't see any cause for it, but after waking up to something brushing along the inside of my thigh once and under my mandible the second time, I decided to look at Shockwave before jerking too obviously when I woke up, if I could manage it. So I reposition myself on the berth. This leaves my legs closer to the edge than I'd like these days, but tilted my face plate so that I can see Shockwave without being obvious about it, and the whole thing looks like normal disturbed stirring.
I let myself drift off, wake up when it feels like something lightly caresses across my hip down to the inside of my thigh again. I tilt my head down, like I'm looking at my leg, but keep my optics looking up, toward Shockwave.
And I can't see his other servo, the one that's mostly blocked by his pede. I can't see it with that in the way anyway, but his profile looks strangely wrong, like I should be able to see something. His arm doesn't seem to be at an angle that would correspond to me not being able to see his servo.
The few more times I look up, his arm is at an angle where not being able to see his servo seems correct, but his other set of claws, the ones in his lap, are twitching a little in his sleep. Like he's stroking the inside of his leg. And every now and then, when I wake up, I can hear tap-tap, two in quick succession. And I remember what that means.
He's happy again this morning, and that's probably what makes me so much surer than I want to be about all this. He talked to me, as he usually does when he's feeling cheerful. Said I seemed restless, and asked if I was having bad dreams. He really, really wants me to talk about my bad dreams.
Something else is bothering me too, on the Shockwave-talking-to-the-newbies front. When he got wheeled out for interrogation today, he gave me a little glance, and sighed in what I can only describe as a sad fashion. I almost missed it, but one of the two new guards gave me a quick look out of the corner of his optic, then exchanged a knowing look with his partner.
I don't know what that was about, but I'd bet my last credit it has something to do with whatever story Shockwave's been feeding them.
This is all very bad. Why can't he just cook up one scheme at a time, like a normal con?
Characters: Shockwave/Swindle
Description: non-con, disturbing, mind games galore. First person POV, from Swindle's perspective. He's locked in a cell directly across from Shockwave in the Autobot stockade. His state of mind and general well being degrades in a slow downward spiral as Shockwave amuses himself. You probably don't want to read this if you are easily disturbed.
Entry 40 ERROR - Entry 40 - Category Designation Stockade Imprisonment already contains file by that title. Select new title or make appropriate corrections
Entry 40 - Later - select task - rename - Entry 39 - Later transferring data to newly renamed file. Date transfer complete
Error corrected
Entry 40
Another bad sign. I incorrectly labelled one of yesterday's entries. Either I'm losing track of time due to unchanging scenery, or this is another problem I can attribute to lack of recharge. I don't need more problems to deal with right now. I really don't.
Speaking of problems; con on the right woke me up last night. Or should I say, prompted the guards to wake me by accident. The phrases "We can't stop you from doing that, but if you touch yourself one more time tonight we're welding your hands to it" and "Can I help it when he keeps sounding like that?" are not what you want to wake up to. Con on the left started in after that too, telling con on the right that he could "hear him from over here, and was sick of hearing it every night too, you depraved little fragger."
All disgusting evidence points to me still talking when I'm unconscious.
Shutting down again was out of the question, so I checked my systems. Apparently my overrides failed to stop my subprocessor from cutting off the program that mutes my vocalizer during recharge. I set up another two overrides for good measure.
All these programming issues are stemming from a lack of proper rest, and I know it, but there's nothing I can really do about the situation. The blacking out, the sleep-talk, and the inability to fight the urge to puke are all things I can thank Shockwave for, but until I shut down and give them all the opportunity to get back in shape, I'm stuck.
Entry 40 - Later
When I woke up from my stasis nap a few hours ago, con on the right piped up. "Pleasant dreams again," he said. "This is my favourite time of day, you know." Then he started to say something about when he broke out of here, he'd take me with him, give me a real reason to moan, but he stopped talking when Shockwave was wheeled back in. Shut up real quick.
Shockwave's looking at me now, as usual, but he looked at him first. There was no rage in that glance, but the contempt and warning within were all that were needed.
Hopefully that stops the masturbation sessions.
Entry 41
Shockwave has been awfully thoughtful all day. He still spent most of his time looking at me, occasionally trying to get me to talk to him, which I still do, though very reluctantly. But he spent alot of time considering his cell too.
This is a welcome reprieve, but I would like to know what he's doing. He'll focus on the upper corner in the back of his cell. After a while, he'll turn and look above my head, to the corresponding area of my own abode. I can't tell if its just a new way of making me paranoid, or if there's something else he has planned. He twitches his claws every now and then, or cocks his head, like he's sizing things up.
I'm worried, but I don't feel as awful as I usually do this cycle, so I've been using the time to try to reach some conclusions about my situation.
So without further ado, things I know:
Shockwave is a creepy slagger. He likes to pick a target whenever he is caged, and will focus solely on his target for weeks. The only known methods of making him stop thus far, are complete removal of said target.
Previous targets have been small yellow minibot, a guard, and then me. I know the minibot was young, small, mouthy, and very full of himself. The guard was similarly self confident, and a little taller than me. I know I am small for a con, if fairly average for a bot, and am usually confident and in control, if not so much lately. We're all confident. That's the only real connector I can make out so far.
Results for all three of us are the same. Unease, followed by extreme discomfort and anxiety. Problems sleeping are likely for all three of us, though I can't confirm that of the minibot.
Maybe Shockwave just likes breaking in mechs with zest for life.
Entry 42
Woke up to Shockwave in the hall today, stasis-cuffed, strapped down, and under triple guard, along with the usual guards in the hall.
They had some maintenance workers changing the grate on his vent, and welding a new one in, one with a grate so small it was like a mesh. I do not want to consider the ramifications of his studying the corners in our cells yesterday and them reinforcing the grates today. I am just going to be very, very glad they are doing so.
It's odd that the amount of noise they're making failed to wake me up. I'll chalk that up to further consequences of exhaustion. Speaking of exhaustion, I am going to take advantage of the fact that Shockwave is unable to move and facing away from me, and go back into recharge.
Entry 43
Today was mostly not so bad. It was my turn in the washracks, and I was thankful for this for multiple reasons. 1.) They took me to it first thing in the morning, which meant extra time away from Shockwave, 2.) it’s a welcome change of scenery, and 3.) I get to pretend I was washing away a number of disgusting feelings from the past week. I have a funny feeling they let me stay under the spray for longer than they were supposed to, but I’m glad they did. It just felt good to feel clean and unobserved for a little while. At one point, it looked like another guard was going to tell me to get out and dry off, and that my time was up, but the two that were on duty with me stopped him.
I feel better for the extra time. I don’t care if it was out of pity; I needed that. Shockwave telling me I smelled lovely on the way back was disturbing, but I can cope with that today. He got taken in for interrogation shortly after, so I got double the time away from him. I drank my ration, had my stasis nap, and as far as I’m concerned, bot on the right did not jack off to the sound of my voice today.
On a more troubling note; my guard’s buddy showed up for his shift with somebody new. I asked him where his old partner was, and he told me he’d been reassigned to guarding the med-bay, confirming my thoughts. He did wake me up right before they brought Shockwave back though, so he’s not so bad himself.
I wonder why he does that? Probably to assuage his guilt about watching Shockwave torture me.
-------
Entry 44
Slept surprising well last night. Been doing so for the last few days, which is bizarre, but not unwelcome. Either my self-preservation programming is kicking in and insisting Shockwave can't actually get me, or it's just insisting I sleep better, whether I want to or not. Haven't decided how I feel about this yet.
On the one servo; I think the overrides are working, as I've gotten no hints that I am talking while unconscious of late. More recharge means I'll start thinking better, and talking smoothly. That hasn't happened completely yet, but it is improving. Better health is a good thing, generally speaking.
On the other servo; I'm not waking up when I really should be, like when the maintenance bot was putting the mesh in, or when I woke up half way through that little verbal battle between the guards and con on the right a few days ago. And if he is that loud when he's... listening to me, loud enough for con on the left to hear him and be bothered, shouldn't that on its own wake me, since I'm closer?
This is either exhaustion taking charge of my systems and saying "Too bad Swindle, you're going to sleep, and you are going to sleep deeply," or I'm getting sick. I don't really want to come down with a glitch, but if it gets me into the medbay and away from my secret admirer, there is an upside.
Still, despite all of this, I'm feeling mildly positive. A good night's rest does wonders.
Entry 45
I've still got a clear processor going on, so I'm going to take advantage of that today. I'm getting nowhere trying to draw a link between the three of us (guard, minibot, me), so I'm going to see what I can figure out about me specifically. I'm slowly rooting through all my memory databanks to see if I've saved any business interactions with Shockwave that could give me a clue. I'll be at this for days, so I don't expect anything to pop up immediately.
Nothing particularly notable so far, just supply and demand stuff. I never did talk too long with Shockwave, as he always did make me a little uneasy. Never could put a finger on why, though I'm wondering if it was some early warning system now, something my subprocessor picked up on that I missed, being focused on a sale.
Day to day life is the same as it always is, with a little change to the routine. My day usually goes like this; Wake up to Shockwave staring at me, try not to look at him. Shockwave says good morning, asks how my night was, exchange of niceties. Silence, change of guard, more silence, unless he tries to get us talking again. Shockwave goes to interrogation, I get my ration, and have a stasis nap. I wake up at Shockwave's return (or my former guard's co-worker rouses me from recharge), more talking or silence, depending on how much of a sulk Shockwave is in. Everyone else gets their ration, more time passes, more staring and either silence or verbal probe, recharge time for everyone. Wash, rinse, repeat.
For about the last week, I have not woken up immediately when Shockwave has. I seem to wake only when I have fully rested myself, or when I am interrupted by continuous noise. If my guard's partner is on duty, he will rouse me before Shockwave arrives from interrogation.
Oh, and one last change; before I go for the stasis nap, con on the right attempts to dirty talk to me. Vulgar, cheap words that he likes to whisper through the wall. Depending on who's on duty, some of the guards will tell him to stop, while others just seem to ignore it.
He never, ever does this when Shockwave is in his cell. I'd honestly find him laughable if I didn't know what he does to himself while I'm asleep. He's cowardly and pathetic, but I'm glad I can't see him or he me. Hopefully I never run into him on the outside.
Entry 46
Another deep recharge. Still feeling refreshed, if troubled. Like I said, good night's rest, but I don't know what's going on, and I don't like Shockwave being up that much longer than I am.
He was asking me if I'd ever modified myself today. Wouldn't drop the subject. He pointed out my shoulder guards, the larger armour I have on my forearms, etc. Said they seemed a little big on my frame, and that he was curious what kind of alterations I'd made to myself over the stellar-cycles. I tried to dodge the subject, laugh it off, get him on another topic, but he was very invested in his agenda. I tried just not talking to him, but then he'd get all "Oh, come now. Don't be like that." He says he's just curious, and wants to know what I looked like when I'd first been sparked. Said he's never had anything done that altered his appearance, just the whole stretching and mass-shifting disguise thing, which didn't really change what he fundamentally looked like. Said he was just pondering what desires might prompt another mech to alter themselves.
I told him it was a trade secret, and that I didn't particularly want to discuss it with him. Then I asked him about his secretary, which got him off topic for a little while. He does like talking about that minibot, though he's very careful not to mention anything incriminating about his spying days while there's autobots near by.
Entry 47
Weird stuff again today. In regards to the guards this time.
I got my ration when Shockwave departed, as usual. I put off drinking for a bit, just enjoying not being watched. I've been getting enough recharge at night, so I wasn't as desperate for my stasis nap as I usually am, and having a full tank has been making me sleepy of late. Hearing me still moving around, con on the right started his new routine, with a little added whining this time. Apparently I have not been talking much in my sleep, so good for me. Overrides are doing what they should, but this does not make con on the right as pleased as it does me; there goes his ugly little happy hour. I'm ignoring him, but am a little disgusted at this point, and put down my ration cup, put off of my meal. What the slag, I figure. I can just swig that down when I hear them come back with Shockwave. I still won't get watched, and I still get refuelled.
But the guards aren't having it. They tell con on the right to be quiet (which is strange for the pair on duty, they usually just ignore him), and then they tell me to drink up. I tell them I'm not hungry, and that I would drink it before Shockwave got back, so they wouldn't have to worry. They say to do it anyway. I counter, pointing out that as medium risk prisoner, I can take my ration whenever I like, provided I don't try any funny business with it, which to date, I have not. They say that's true to a point, but that circumstances have changed, as have their orders. And would I please just drink my ration and not make this any more difficult then it needs to be.
I wanted to make it difficult at that point, but frankly, they're both bigger than me, so I took my time to be a nuisance, but I drink. I get sleepy like I have been, go down for my stasis nap, wake up well after Shockwave's gotten back.
He tells me I seemed peaceful.
Entry 48
Finished that scan on all my prior-to-incarceration interactions with Shockwave. I think I'm onto something, but I really hope I'm wrong. Most of what I've found in regards to him talking about me is nothing noticeably of major on its own. Just little bits of creepiness that are easy enough to shrug off for a good sale. But when they're all connected like this... there's a pattern.
Like studying me over his side of the screen for a moment, and saying, "You're rather on the small side, aren’t you? Quite diminutive really." Or "Your proportions are a little odd, if you don't mind me saying. They make you seem quite tiny, much smaller than you actually are." I tended to brush these off. They're offensive, and none of his business, but they're just one-off comments. Nothing I felt I had to be aware of. I just made sure I never did deals with him in person, try as he might to persuade me. Like I said; he made me uneasy. I'd just tell him that sales over a comm. line and using private transwarp bridges were easier, and more economical. And it was. Also meant I never had to get near him.
Then there's his sales records. He'd buy some of the usual stuff from me, like my primary trade in weapons. I am a weapons dealer, after all. But sometimes he'd get other things off me, just strange things that would get accumulated, or he'd offer to pay extra for if I could get them. Tiny stasis cuffs, little containment cells, sedatives. I never knew what he was doing with those, and I never wanted to know.
I don't want to follow this train of though. I really want to be wrong.
Entry 48 - Later
I narrowly avoided throwing up again. I was taking my ration at my now officially designated time when con on the right did his usual. I didn't reply and just tuned him out, but a few words snaked through and stuck out. He was saying what a sweet little morsel I was, what I prize. How much he wanted to get at that delicious little bounty I was keeping from him blah blah blah creepy nonsense blah.
The words 'prize' and 'bounty' just kept circling around my head. And somehow, I get the notion that I should try doing a related cross-search, between a few visits I had with Lockdown in relation to the dates of certain sales I'd made with Shockwave. The ones with the odd items I usually didn't carry. I got the results and almost heaved.
There weren't many of them, but by three incidences, I think you can call this a conclusive pattern. Within a deca-cycle of my selling Shockwave his special order, it seems Lockdown would bring him a special order of his own. I generally avoided the rooms in his ship where he carries his bounties, the cells and the medbay gone wrong. But twice when I had to be in there, a minibot was strapped down, once in complete stasis, another time mute, but mouthing at me desperately. Pleading with his eyes. The third incidence didn't involve me actually seeing an autobot, but is the most damning.
I got there a little early for a sale, but Lockdown told me to stay, just sit and wait. Said it wouldn't take a nanoklik. So I sit, and he goes back to his communications screen. He's talking to Shockwave, closing a deal. Shockwave's just sent him a vid of the bot he's looking for. I didn't think much of it at the time, didn't pay much attention. Just heard Lockdown snort something about "so that'll be your usual order then?" and sign out. My memory banks aren't too clear on who was on that video file, but if I stop and think, I know what frame type that autobot had.
Sloped shoulders guards. Just like that first guard. Just like that minibot before he gained that new alt. A frame type with proportions uncomfortably similar to my own.
How many have their been?
And now he's back and staring at me again. Oh Primus, oh Primus, I don't want to fuel that fetish. And I slept through him coming back, so he was able to watch me without me knowing again. I shouldn't be able to sleep through that knowing what I know. I can't keep sleeping through that.
-----
Entry 49
I slept well last night. I did not wake up once. After what I've just learned, that should not be happening. I keep scanning, hoping to find a glitch, or an explanation, but nadda. I don't know if being this coherent is worth the time I can't watch Shockwave watching me.
Not after I found out why he watches me. Not when I can imagine what he did with all those minibots. I shudder to think about it. I mean, I'm a con, I'm not a good mech. I'm selfish, and greedy and I'll trample the elderly to get what I want. But I don't stoop to that, and I've never sold a bot. And I did a bit more digging this morning, when I calmed down. There's a few incidences, rare and they only happened early on, when Shockwave was first testing to see what he could buy from me. There were things he'd requested... toys, heavy-duty restraints that held a prisoner in awkward angles, weird magnetised things I'd only heard of in the dankest alleys. I only ever picked up something weird along those lines for him once, and the colony I got it from wierded me out so bad I wound up charging him double for it. I've never been back to that quadrant since. The whole place reeked of desperation and depravity. The item itself wasn't so bad; just some sort form of forceps, but the place was disgusting.
I wound up informing him that I wouldn't be picking up anything of that nature for him again, especially if it was in a dirty little scum hole like that. He'd understood, and that had been the end of it.
How many times did he try to meet me mech to mech, in person? What would have happened to me had I agreed? I'm somewhat useful to Megatron, but would that have saved me? It’s not doing me much good right now.
He probably thinks about that whole sick collection of his when he looks at me.
Entry 50
I'm still anxious, but I've calmed down again. I'm sure Shockwave is still thinking nightmarish thoughts about me, but he's over there, and I am over here. He can't get me. Maybe all I really need is a good night's sleep. It seems to solve alot of problems. I feel a little dull though. I can think, and that's good, but my emotions are kind of muted. Shockwave's a little irritated. I'm no fun to play with when I don't care.
That's not true. I still want out, and I still want Shockwave to leave me alone, but despite a little voice in the back of my processor screaming panic, I can't rouse myself enough to give a cog. I'm a little disturbed by this. When did I become so acclimated to the situation that I could tune out my fear?
Fear is how I protect myself. It's a warning.
Old guard's buddy is on duty today. He seems guilty but relieved when ever he spares me a glance. I'm making note of it, so I don't forget.
Perhaps all this is some sort of stress-induced depression?
Entry 51
I'm breaking pattern here and logging first thing in the morning. Shockwave is up first. Greeted me with a "Good morning sleepy-head." He tells me I twitch and stir for a few cycles before I actually get up. He finds it "quite charming." Freak.
This is going to be hard to concentrate on while he stares at me. He seems especially pleased today. Says I look "peppy."
Anyway, onto business. I'm writing this log first thing in the morning, because looking over yesterday's entry, which I entered immediately before my stasis nap, something seems off. That is not my usual internal voice. I mean it's me, but it's not. I can't quite explain. This today, is much more me. It feels more like I'm speaking than like I'm recording. I like my log entries to be conversational, and that other one? Wasn't.
I'm still in a strangely good mood, that hasn't changed, but I do believe I was right in attributing that to resting up properly for quite a while now. So why do I get so sluggish by the afternoon, and why is it so easy to sleep? Theoretically, if I'm well rested and healthy enough to notice things like a change in my internal voice, shouldn't I also be able to stay up for long periods if I so please?
...
Shockwave's started humming that little tune of his again, but no tapping yet. New guards, fresh to the hall today. He's taking advantage of that fact to try something he knows bothers me. I spared him a glance, and he cocked his head. Asked me if I knew what unusually large optics I had. He apparently enjoys how expressive they are.
You stay creepy there, one-eye.
Entry 51 - Later
Slight altercation with the guards. Chose not to drink my ration immediately, as I know it'll make me sleepy, and I'm still puzzling over the state of my mental health and looking for a glitch. New guards told me to drink, as they had been ordered to ensure I did so. Now I'm suspicious, so I tell them fine, and take a couple of sips while they watch, but fake swallowing. When they turn away, satisfied, I spat it discreetly back into the container, and snuck it under the berth when I went to lay down, spilling it under there with my foot. Sneaky I thought. They won't notice that for a while, and I can take not fuelling up for a day.
A few cycles later, they both go quiet. They'd been chatting, but now they seemed to be listening.
They ask when I'm still online. I don't answer, and keep my optics shut down, faking it. Con on the right chooses right then to tell me to quit faking, because he knows just what my vents sound like when I'm powered down, and that's not it.
If I ever meet him face to face, I am going to punch him.
So one of the guards enters my cell, sees the spill, ask why I wasted it. I tell them the truth; when I'm full I get sleepy, and I wanted to think. They say I've got all the time on Cybertron to think right now, that I've got nothing to do but think, but that when I am given my ration, I am to drink up. The other guard comes in now, with a new cube. Tries to shove it in my servos, but I won't take it. I tell him to drink it. He grabs me, I fight back, minor scuffle ensues until the first guard to enter the cell breaks it up. Catcalls can be heard from con on the right, and aggressive guard tells him he'd "better not be touching himself when they leave this cell." Calmer guard leads aggressive guard out, they talk a little, report something quietly over their com. lines to a superior. Go back to guarding.
It's late. I'm not sleeping, and right now, I don't want to be. Shockwave asked why I was upset when he got back, but I refused to talk to him, so he just stared.
It gave me a proper set of creepy crawlies up my backstrut this time, just like it should. He seemed pleased, and clicked his claws in a happy way until he went into recharge. I'm staying up to watch him. His claws twitch when he's really deep into his rest cycle. Dreaming horrible dreams featuring me, probably.
What was in that energon? Because I no longer believe whatever was getting me to sleep was a glitch.
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Entry 52
A little on the sleepy side for lack of recharge, but I can think clearly again, and am back to full horrible attention to reality. But at least I'm also back to being properly me. I'm scared, but I'm focused, and I am in control. That doesn't make Shockwave any less intimidating, but it gives me back the ability to fight and resist.
He tried asking about possible modifications I may have had again today, but I dodged all his questions pretty easily. I'm on my game, and he's not sure if he likes it. Oh he definitely enjoys my full attention, and he loves telling me how nice it is to see me up and alert, but he's back to gaining no new information from me, and he can't make me falter or struggle to keep up in a coy duel of words.
You're an old mech Shockwave, an old mech with a lifetime of experience and tactics I can never hope to learn, but words are what I do. They are my battleground, my fortress, and my sanctuary. Can't get me in here.
Still refusing my ration. I can go solar cycles without refuelling, it's not good for me, but I can do it. And until I get a guard who'll agree to drink before I do, I'll keep refusing. The one upside to not being huge is not needing as much fuel. They've been giving me about a quarter the amount of the other prisoners’ daily allotment, which is still twice what I need to keep my systems at optimum efficiency.
I do need to keep up with my recharge time if I'm not consuming anything to fuel myself with though. I'll fight about the ration, but I see no harm in my scheduled stasis-nap. I've even got guards on who protest to con on the right pleasuring himself, so that won't be an issue haunting my dreams.
Entry 53
I'm back to having Shockwave act as my alarm system. He starts watching me, I wake up. No more unobserved leering for him. I'm going to be suffering for lack of proper rest again soon, but it’s worth it to keep an optic on him.
My guard's partner was on again today. Came to bring me my ration himself. Politely asked me to drink it. I gave him my most winning smile, and said sure I would. He was trustworthy after all. Always woke me up before Shockwave got back, and he’d been the one to tell me where my guard had gone. Bot’s face lit right up. He looked so relieved. Still smiling, I asked him, as a trusted acquaintance, to please do what no guard had yet done for me, and drink first. He takes half. I take half. That's fair, isn't it?
He kept that big goofy grin on his face, but you could see the distress in his optics. He tried to assure me again it was fine, nothing wrong with it, that it wouldn't hurt me. I said that was all well and good, and I trusted him, oh my yes, but I wasn't so sure about the bot that put all the rations together. Silly of me, of course, and I'd never doubt my good friend, but just to ease my mind. Just half a cube. He was a big bot after all, that wasn't much to him.
We went back and forth like this for a few kliks, until finally, defeat written all over his face (though he gets points for keeping up his posture), he threw back half the cube. His fellow guard in the hall had to bite back his shock. He very much looked like he wanted to run in and stop him. To his credit, he kept smiling when he handed me the cube. I smiled back, shrugged, and threw it back in solidarity. Or made him think I did. I actually just held it in the back of my throat, held my hands up in a "Okay, so I was wrong, sorry 'bout that' gesture, and went to lie down. He manages to walk out of my cell and reassume his post without staggering. His new partner kept looking at him sideways, worried. So after a reasonable amount of time, I fake that I'm in recharge, relax my posture, go limp, vent as close to an unconscious pattern as I can. The minute I do, the guard sways on his feet a little, then falls to his knees before his friend can catch him. His partner kept him from falling flat on his face, but he was out like a light.
Two more guards show up, one to carry the unconscious guy off, the other staying as a replacement.
The next time they looked in my cell, I looked them both in the optics, rolled to the side of my bunk, and spat it all out.
Trustworthy guards my skidplate. Gullible, but not bright.
Entry 54
Fourth day refusing my ration. Shockwave is expressing his concern. He's not around to see me eat anymore, but he's suspicious. I keep staying up for much of the night simply because he is not, and it’s peaceful time for me, or at least as peaceful as I can get. And that Megacycle he's gone in interrogation is simply not enough recharge time to counter my lack of fuel consumption. He says I look peckish, and seem agitated. And he keeps extending one of his endless invitations to talk. We're neighbours now, after all, and it's only natural to care about the well being of one's cohorts.
I'm going to try to go into my stasis nap as soon as he's gone today. No wasting time logging when I should be resting. And if I'm already asleep, maybe I won't have to argue about the rations today. I know something's in it. They know something's in it. Someone has to offer an explanation eventually.
That's enough of this for now. I need to conserve energy.
Entry 55
Starting to feel the effects of refusing all sustenance now. I feel heavy again, like I did when I was drugged, but I can still think, if not clearly, and I can still feel properly. Shockwave remains creepy, and that is how it should be.
Also creepy; con on the right wakes me up now too, during my stasis nap specifically. Exhaustion and starvation are making me talk in my sleep. No wonder con on the left complains, the pervert really is vocal about it. Set up more overrides again, which is the only thing I can do.
Final note to self; it’s not only the other cons that are bigger than me down here. The guards are all massive, especially for autobots. They wouldn't stick out too much, size wise, from many cons. Which makes sense, really. Big guys guarding big guys.
Entry 56
Continuing yesterday's note; the guards serve two functions in relation to Shockwave, I think. First, they're too big for him to take much interest in. They also share none of the characteristic armour found on minibots. Nothing for him to fetishise or target. Second, they make me look even smaller in comparison.
The cell does this too. Most of the berths are small on this level. It’s all cons, and they tend to sleep sitting up. They don't like to lay down, and it goes against their programming as war machines. They were made to be ready to go into attack mode at a moment’s notice, and rise instantly into full wakefulness should they need to. Doesn't take them long to rouse themselves. Consequently, their berths are quite small for their size. They only need a seat.
Mine on the other hand, is roomy enough for a large autobot. When I first got here, I could appreciate that, as my programming does leave me preferring to recline during recharge, and who says no to a roomy bed? I thought I'd just lucked out because I was in an area where most prisoners were expected to be large. Now I can see that just makes me look small too, as does the height of my cell. All the better for Shockwave.
That's enough for now. I've logged more than I should have.
Entry 57
I'm in the med bay. Got escorted here this morning.
After a full six solar cycles of refusing to take my ration, I finally got my answer. I got cuffed and removed from my cell (but not stasis cuffed - medium risks don't need it, and I was too weak to fight much anyway), and told I had an appointment, but not with whom I had it. Shockwave called out an almost wistful goodbye, told me to come back soon. Tells the guards to be careful with me. He doesn't want anything to happen to his "favourite little bot."
Wait, I just caught that. "Favourite little bot?" That's doubly insulting and bad news. I don’t want to be his favourite little anything, but I’m no autobot.
Anyway;
We head to an elevator, and I don't remember much else. I think I may have powered down on my feet. So either I sleepwalked or they carried me the rest of the way. Next thing I know, I'm in a room so stark and bright it could only be the home of medics. And sure enough, up pops an autobot in red and white.
He asks me how I'm feeling.
I tell him he's the medic. What does he think?
He snorted and told me to relax and recharge for as long as I like. He had things to do, and he'll talk to me when he gets back.
He's right, I should be resting now, and I am lying back. But I want to stay awake for a little while. I just want to enjoy this.
I feel okay. I feel - safe, for the first time in a long time.
Entry 57 - later
I stayed in recharge for a long time, and for much longer than I meant to. I'm surprised the medic didn't wake me earlier, but he assured me he wanted me to rest. Even asked if I wanted to catch a few more mega-cycles. Not just cycles, megacycles. When I said I was fine, he handed me some high grade that was a little too pungent for my tastes. I was looking at it funny, and about to refuse when he shrugged, took it back, and took a swig. We both waited a little while, and when he didn't seem any the worse for wear, I drank the rest. When I'd finished, he handed me two more, told me to drink those too. When I told him I didn't want to get drunk, he assured me that I wouldn't, that this was a specially distilled for medical purposes. I managed to drink all three, which should tell you how hungry I was.
Once he was sure I didn't want to go into any more stasis and that I was full as he could get me, he sat down across from my berth. Told me to ask him my questions about the rations.
So I did. I asked him what was in, why I was being drugged, and how long it had been going on.
The energon and occasional oil I'd been getting had sleeping compounds, relaxants, and more lately, a tiny bit of some kind of mood lifting element. The medic had been assigned to me way back when I first got here (apparently this is standard protocol for all prisoners), and had kept up with me after I'd been moved to the higher risk areas below. He'd been concerned about my sleeping habits and drastic attitude change, and started lacing my rations after my failed attempt to find a 'happy place' away from Shockwave. The worse I got, the more he put in. He tried to keep it low enough not to interfere with me or my processor, and didn't slip the mood-lifter in until last week. As I kept getting worse, he kept upping the dosage, and eventually it was enough to keep me knocked out for a good long while. He even managed to give it a staggering affect; first stage making me immediately drowsy, second stage coming much later in the day, when it would be more normal for me to want to go into recharge, and therefore not as noticeable.
This all made me furious and I got quiet like I do when I am well and truly angry. I asked him what right he thought he had to do that to me. He said I deserved to be angry, and that he didn't blame me, but he didn't know what else to do, since he couldn't do what needed to be done and just remove me entirely, and knew I wouldn’t just take the drugs if they were given to me.
I snapped that I didn't need his help, that I could cope fine on my own. He looked at me long and hard then. After a few cycles of uncomfortable silence, he asked when I'd last seen myself in a mirror. I didn't get why that was important, so I asked him what he meant. Told him I hadn't since before I was incarcerated.
He held up a finger, a silent gesture to wait, and left the room. Came back with a mirror, one of those ones they use for operations.
I didn't recognise the mech I saw in it.
He looked haunted and twitchy, very small inside his armour, like he wanted to hide in it. There was a bit of bravado around the edges, but it was so desperate and forced. That mech was not me. Looked like me, but it just didn't fit.
The medic let me look at that broken face, my face for a little while, and then put the mirror down. Told me that as bad as I was, I still looked ten times better than when he decided to start drugging me to sleep. He said watching me deteriorate was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. Told me that's what had happened to my guard. That he just couldn't take it anymore, especially when I'd been talking in my sleep. That was something else he'd been trying to drug away. All those problems I'd been having were from the paranoia and the exhaustion, not the drugs. He said if I didn't believe him I could watch clips of myself from when Shockwave first got here up to now.
I told him no. I'd take his word on it. I didn't want to see.
He said he was going to leave me to sleep some more, and that he'd talk to me again in the morning.
I don't know what to think.
Entry 58
These are my options; take the drugged ration every day, with my full consent. Or refuse it, and deal with the consequences.
I take the drug, I get to sleep. I don't have to know what Shockwave is doing at all times. But I won't know what Shockwave is doing at all times, that's the problem. I can either not sleep, but keep alert, or sleep, and be completely unguarded from his prying optic.
Sleep and be vulnerable, or stay awake and destroy myself?
I need to think. I have the day to decide, but I feel like I need more time.
Entry 58 - Later
I don't need to give him an answer until morning. I'm only logging this so I can read it later, to remind me how peaceful it is in the medbay. A little note to myself about how it feels to not be watched all the time, not have somebody fantasising about doing horrible things to you and staring.
Safe and comfortable and alone.
Entry 59
I'm back in my cell. Just finished my ration, and just my ration. The medic did his best to talk me out of it, but I stood firm and he relented. Said if I ever changed my mind, to just tell the guards, but that ultimately it was my choice.
It was a long walk back to home sweet home. I had an escort on either side, so I can never really see my neighbours. Shockwave was happy enough to have me back. Greeted me pleasantly and then got down to his normal leering business. And it really was just straight up leering today. He'd study one piece of me, then another, just roving silently over my body. His gaze is penetrative enough that it's like he's actually touching me. I shudder to think of what it would feel like to actually be in his reach.
I'm trying to nap, but con on the right wants me to stay up and talk to him. It seems he's saved up quite a number of dirty little ideas for me.
Almost makes me want the drugs. But in the end I'd rather hear him then go to sleep knowing he's touching himself and pretending it's me getting him off, me he’s thrusting into instead of his servo. That fantasy is all he'll ever get from me, and he can't be this vocal about it all the time, either con on the left will get slagged off or the guards will. It'll stop someday.
And if I was on drugs, I wouldn't have noticed the guards' subtle change in attitude toward Shockwave. I wouldn't go so far as to say they like him, but he's been agreeable enough about letting them put his stasis cuffs on him, and acknowledged them when they came on shift. Two of the new guys. This is something I need to keep my optics open for. I never would have noticed while doped up.
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Entry 60
Older guards on shift today, and Shockwave is his usual distant self with them. He's not going out of his way to be difficult, and he's co-operative as required, but not the same treatment as he gives the newer guards. I'll continue to keep an optic on that.
He's sitting at his berth and standing in the corner alot too, staring at me, and periodically into space. I wouldn't mind him not looking at me except that that means he is thinking about something else, and I don't know if I like that. It seems like something you'd do if you were planning, or deep in contemplation. When coming from Shockwave, plans are bad.
It's like that thing with the ventilation system. It never came to anything, thank fragging Primus, but we've got little to do in here but think, and in Shockwave's case, stare so very lovingly and longingly across the hall. After so many years of doing business with him, I've gotten to learn that Shockwave is a mech who knows what he wants and will work to get it if need be. That's the other thing about him; work ethic like a super computer.
And hot slag is he intelligent. I don't want to cut myself short, I'm no fool, but if I want to stay one step ahead of him, I cannot let my guard down for an instant. This is a con who managed to pass himself off as an autobot, a fairly young autobot for a very, very long time, and who never had his cover blown, not really. He chose to exit himself, as far as I know, never got forced out of it. He knows how to talk, he knows how to act, how to fabricate a story or persona to fool a certain audience.
I'm giving him as little time alone to talk with any guards as I can. I know I'm better with words and false pleasantness than he is, but I can't afford to slip here. He knows what he wants and I can't afford anyone here thinking he deserves it, even for a nanoklik. No doubt, no curiosity, no uncertainty. The minute he makes them ponder is the minute I can kiss my functioning days goodbye.
Entry 61
Still staring at different corners of his cell, but nowhere in particular. I attribute this to another set of old guards, the ones who were on duty the day they put that new grate on his vent, actually. Which means he is definitely up to something, as he knows that they know to watch him if he does anything out of the ordinary.
I'm glad they're keeping Shockwave from delving too deeply into his newest plot to make me go mad, but if he can't think, he's back to doing his usual.
It’s been a little over five deca-cycles. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. After all, a salesmech's pitch is an act, you want an audience, and you want rapt attention. I'm very good at getting that and keeping it. But that's not the kind of attention Shockwave is giving to me so lavishly. Now that I know why he stares, I don't know how I ever missed it before. Could be the expressionless faceplate, but really, that's not excuse on my part. I've seen this look in a con’s optics before, and I have my own ways of dealing with it. I can laugh it off, ignore it, glare pointedly, offer to sell them the locations of some quality grade pleasure-mods, or as a last defence, casually mention my business as a weapons dealer, and use some weaponry that I have personaly installed as an example. You don't need to resort to violence, just make your disinterest very clear, and direct their attention elsewhere.
I can't do that with Shockwave. All those methods work with the idea that I can extricate myself quickly and quietly, or that the con in question is not personally invested in me specifically, just what appears to be an easy 'face who can't throw them off if the answer is no. Con on the right is a good example of this, though I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of the persistent ones who would require the weaponry demonstration.
But this doesn't work here. I'm locked in, so I can't get away from Shockwave. He's not interested in a sale of any kind, not that I could conduct one in here anyway. He can't get to any POW comfort slave I sell him the location of, even though I know a few that cater to his fetish. And even if he could get to them, he wants me. He's been staring at me for a long time now, and he's itching for a very special, very personal sample of my wares.
I know he can't get out, but with that whole patient aura of his… it's like he's biding his time.
Entry 62
No nap today, as con on the right was feeling especially frisky and kept waking me up. When he didn't, con on the left did by swearing at him to stop. Guards didn't do much until a few cons down the hall shouted for them both to keep it down, at which point they threatened to knock them both out.
I should note that con on the left did not tell me to shut up, so while I am back to talking in my sleep, at least it's not at a volume Shockwave can hear.
Speak of the devil; he's back in his cell now, and he can see I'm exhausted. Interrogation must have gone badly for him today, since he looks about ready to power down too. Hurray for me. The worse he's feeling, the more sleep I can get. He tends to turn so he's facing sideways from where I am when he sleeps, leaning slightly forward, facing the wall, but at a slight angle. I think he likes to keep an eye on the guards before he shuts off for the night.
Primus I need some down time.
Entry 64errorNumerical entry point skipped - AutoCorrect in 3 2 1 - correct entry point - 63 - restating...restating...
Entry 63
Slag it. I know I didn't get enough rest if I'm messing up on log entries again. When was the last time I did that...Entry 40. Bad sign, that's two screw-ups way too close together.
So Shockwave seems to have slept well, and he's recovered from his rotten day yesterday. Quite chipper this morning. Noted I did not share his enthusiasm for the new day. He's trying to bug me while simultaneously looking friendly to another one of the newer pairs of guards. I tried to ingratiate myself to them for future endeavours in information gathering, but they just told me they knew how my schedule worked and that I should go to sleep. Con on the right echoed their sentiments, and they told him to be quiet. If they're amicable to Shockwave, at least they're not toward that disgusting excuse for a con. His cell's floor must be covered in interfacing fluid by now. Ugh. Either that or they make him clean it up himself. Who knows, I can't see for a half-rusted cog in here.
They're right of course. I should get some recharge time while I can, especially in light of last night. Shockwave may have slept well, but something kept waking me up. I'm chalking it up to paranoia, but I kept feeling like something was brushing against my thigh or my faceplate every time I got deep into recharge. Touching me anywhere really. My arm, my tires, my neck. At first I thought it was some kind of air-flow thing from the vents in such a closed area, coupled with the constant fear of Shockwave getting at me in my dreams, so I just kept pulling whatever was dangling over the birth back on it when I woke up. Those were the only parts that felt contact at first, so I thought that must be it. But then I'd feel it on other parts of my body that weren't that close to the edge. I couldn’t' fragging sleep longer than a breem straight all night.
I'm glitching up again, and much sooner than I anticipated.
Shockwave being so blasted perky this cycle is just capping if off beautifully.
Slagging. Pitspawned. Axle-muncher.
------
Entry 64
Another day, another sleepless night, and another chipper morning with Shockwave. Oh joy, oh bliss. How will I contain my happiness?
Another set of newer guards this morning, don't even recognise these two. Must have started when I was still in the med-bay. When they heard Shockwave's escort coming down the hall, they actually said "Interrogation time big guy."
Big guy. Really? I mean seriously now? Don't get me wrong, they weren't all buddy-buddy with him, but that’s a very familiar term considered beneath one of Megatron's commanders. He didn't even growl, just sort of looked at them and shrugged noncommittally. The frag is that about? I don't like it. Clearly, they've had some conversations in my absence.
I waited until they'd started going up and down the hall on patrol after assuming I'd gone to sleep to start asking questions. The guards themselves pulled the same bit as the ones yesterday when I asked them about it, telling me to wind-down and take it easy, like I was some frantic nut job. Frag em. So I ask con on the left instead. He ignores me for a minute, but like everyone, he had a price; in this case the password to get into a rather exclusive bar on a colony in sector 89. Good high-grade, friendly wait-staff who're very easy on the optics, and an excellent floor show. One of those places a mech hears about but only very specific cons ever get to see. Really should go back there some time, excellent service. But that's enough escapism for now.
Con on the left tells me Shockwave's did alot of talking with the newer guards while I was gone. He couldn't hear about what exactly, they were quiet, and he wasn't all that interested, but he did notice that he only did it with the very newest ones, guards who hadn't adjusted to him yet, maybe didn't know about the mind games. And he heard my name mentioned a few times with something like concern on Shockwave's part.
That's as far as we got, since con on the right could hear us whispering and started asking why I never come talk - sorry, why I never "come over and whisper dirty nothings in his audio", which the guards overheard. They came back, told me to go lie down and wouldn't leave until I went into stasis.
I'm going to need to proceed very carefully here. But first, I really, really need to nap.
Entry 65
Old guards on duty last night and another pair of familiar faces this morning, including my old guard's partner - frag it, I'm just going to start calling him my guard. The other bot isn't coming back any time soon. Anyway, I don't know if it was just the psychological idea of them being there or if they fixed some error in the ventilation system, but no weird sensations to rouse me, and a complete night's stasis are nice things I am choosing not to question.
Actually got some good recharge time in, which was very nice. Shockwave is still happy with me today, but not in the same kind of high mood he was previously. I'm trying to work out if "good old Shockwave" is for the benefit of the new guards, an act to make him seem less sinister and more friendly in a very unfriendly place, or if there's a factor I'm missing. Maybe I'm overthinking this, and he's just not as happy when I'm not miserable.
But that doesn't entirely make sense. It doesn't follow any previous pattern. He likes fragging with my mind, and he likes me vulnerable mentally and emotionally, but he likes me alert enough to notice too. I know that, from my previous experience being drugged into a proper sleeping pattern. He didn't like me dopey, and pointed my condition out to both me and the guards. So why wouldn't my being rested and alert and ready to be mind-fragged with appeal to him now?
I'm missing something here, but I'll worry about it when he gets back. My new 'my guard' doesn't like chronic-self-service-con any more than I do, so I can sleep all through Shockwave's absence, and I plan to. I'm taking advantage of this.
Entry 65 - Later
I'm pretty rested up right now, between last night and this afternoon, so I'm staying up for a little while now that Shockwave is slumbering. He's sleeping the same as he was before, side-on to me, facing the wall and ever so slightly towards the guards. One servo is in his lap, the other one, the one that's further from me, he's got down by his side. Pretty well the same as last time I saw him.
Still, the whole touchy-feely incident makes me leery. He can't touch me, and I know that. Besides the vents, there's no way for him to do so. Between him and me, you've got two thick panels, two guards, three force fields that would knock him on his aft if he so much as tapped them, and a hallway.
So why can't I shake the feeling that he's responsible? Well, the obvious answer is because he freaks me out. I've been stared at for breems and breems, he's made his intentions very clear, I'm not sleeping well, and I know for a fact he's up to something right now. Why shouldn't I be paranoid?
But I feel there's more to it. He can't physically touch me. I keep telling myself that, so why can't I shake this?
Entry 66
Despite my troubling thoughts, another good night. There's indifferent guards on duty right now, who don't particularly react much to Shockwave, or to con on the right, but if masturbot is going to wake me up later, I can deal with it. I've had some good stasis lately. And who knows, maybe the phantom stasis touches were a one-time deal, and I won't suffer those anymore.
Talked a bit more with con on the left today, which is easier to do when you've got a pair of guards on who for the most part ignore us. Asked him this time if he could recall any other words he might have heard Shockwave say. He said again that he couldn't be sure, and that he didn't know about the guards either. All three in any conversation they had were careful to keep their voices low, and he couldn't read their lips, since two of them had their backs to him and the third, well. No face plate, no mouth. Can't fault him there.
So I pressed him for information about their body language, and whatever kind of tone of voice he could make out. He had to think about that one, but he said the guards seemed to be... intent, maybe sympathetic, if not to Shockwave, then to whatever he was talking about. Con on the left’s angle wasn't the best for seeing much of Shockwave, and he's pretty sure Shockwave stood where he did to make sure of that, but he said he seemed lonely, a little guilty, reminded him of a mech reminiscing about happier times that he missed. That was all he had, but he said he'd be happy to share whatever else he could figure out if I could share another club or bar entry. I thanked him, like you should in a good client-buyer relationship, and went to lie down and think before my nap.
What was he talking about to those guards? And what would they be stupid enough to believe?
Entry 67
New guards and I slept like slag. I sense a pattern.
Luckily I got enough recharge time the two days previous again to stay up and watch Shockwave before letting myself go. Same posture, same tilt of the head. I paid very close attention to his servos this time. One in his lap, one at the side, same as before. Hand on his opposite side difficult for me to see, dangling off the edge of his berth. I did notice this time though that he keeps one pede slightly under the berth, blocking my view of his servo. Blocking the guards view too. I'm going to see if he does that when the more experienced guards are on duty.
He's close to the wall the grate is on, since his berth is situated near it, at the back of the cell. But the grate doesn't look touched, and if he was going to pull it out, it'd make a slag of a lot of noise. He can't get through that again. I know he can't. It's just not physically possible.
I want to believe it's just paranoia. That this is a rational, well, not rational, but certainly explainable fear on my part. I mean it is. There is no reason for that not to be an explanation. It makes so much sense.
But something I saw last night, saw more than once, just keeps feeding that little seed of doubt.
The touches are somewhat more... let's call them intimate, now. More like stroking or petting. I still can't see any cause for it, but after waking up to something brushing along the inside of my thigh once and under my mandible the second time, I decided to look at Shockwave before jerking too obviously when I woke up, if I could manage it. So I reposition myself on the berth. This leaves my legs closer to the edge than I'd like these days, but tilted my face plate so that I can see Shockwave without being obvious about it, and the whole thing looks like normal disturbed stirring.
I let myself drift off, wake up when it feels like something lightly caresses across my hip down to the inside of my thigh again. I tilt my head down, like I'm looking at my leg, but keep my optics looking up, toward Shockwave.
And I can't see his other servo, the one that's mostly blocked by his pede. I can't see it with that in the way anyway, but his profile looks strangely wrong, like I should be able to see something. His arm doesn't seem to be at an angle that would correspond to me not being able to see his servo.
The few more times I look up, his arm is at an angle where not being able to see his servo seems correct, but his other set of claws, the ones in his lap, are twitching a little in his sleep. Like he's stroking the inside of his leg. And every now and then, when I wake up, I can hear tap-tap, two in quick succession. And I remember what that means.
He's happy again this morning, and that's probably what makes me so much surer than I want to be about all this. He talked to me, as he usually does when he's feeling cheerful. Said I seemed restless, and asked if I was having bad dreams. He really, really wants me to talk about my bad dreams.
Something else is bothering me too, on the Shockwave-talking-to-the-newbies front. When he got wheeled out for interrogation today, he gave me a little glance, and sighed in what I can only describe as a sad fashion. I almost missed it, but one of the two new guards gave me a quick look out of the corner of his optic, then exchanged a knowing look with his partner.
I don't know what that was about, but I'd bet my last credit it has something to do with whatever story Shockwave's been feeding them.
This is all very bad. Why can't he just cook up one scheme at a time, like a normal con?