More of a self-validating manifesto...
Weirdly I've been contemplating my self-image lately. Nothing uber-serious, but at the same time, strengthening in my own self perception. Cracked as it is, I remember upon first admitting that I was gay back in freshman year of college, I wanted to be the most masculine gay guy ever that absolutely did not like sports...yeah, I know, what the frak was I thinking? ;)
From meditative inner thoughts, pop culture figures (which for better or worse, I think can exert a powerful influence on real life)I eventually, and continually realize, that's not me. I'm neither uber-butch/str8 acting, nor uber-fem acting. But an evolving medium. Like any (hopefully) well adjusted 21st century male, I've accepted I have both masculine and feminine traits, that I can (DUH!) embrace both of wholeheartedly. I can have a semi-deep/creaky cranky voice (which I silly-ishly embraced as being a non-stereotypical trait) but I can totally get gleefully, gay-ly excited about something (or walk really really fast; thanks Will Smiley ;) ) Equally, I've dyed my hair black/dark brown, bleach blond, blue, and wore black nail polish (in the pre-text of playing a stereotypically goth role in a play) but loved it, in college; I clung to that stuff until it was chipping in tiny fragments off my fingers; my friend Fox putting eyeliner on me (as much as a bitch it was to get off/after dancing all night) was equally thrilling and soul embracing/loosening for me. It was a silly/stupid fun act to go the WAC gym with black nail polish chipping off to work out, alongside all the "stereotypical meatheads" (but who the frak am I to assume that either?)
Then returning to "regular life," (library work, etc.) I find myself (YES, with the advent of Adam Lambert (and his adorably twink-ish straight goth glam guitarist, with the eyeliner, nail polish) wanting to do that stuff again. Like I never got to go all wild with it in high school?
A silly affirmation of "me liking metal/hardcore/punk music=me masculine" led to me wondering, But, you stupid git, I think to myself, why can't I like whatever music I like, whether it's stereotypically man's music or female music, or gay music, or whatever, and just LIKE IT? over the last few years stretched a musical interest strand of The Germs (proto-hardcore punk with glam roots fronted by a closet case) to David Bowie (Godfather of Glam and ambiguously sexual popstars!) and "T. Rex" Marc Boylan (Glam's unjustly less remembered godfather?)to Adam Lambert (seeking to bring back the old glam/do whatever the frak his gay/cheeky/hilarious self wants) to Lady Gaga (the apparent gay Godmother that I didn't 'bleepin' understand why all the gays loved her until I realized "oh THAT'S why all the gays love her!"
Bouncing back to my weird early era of wanting to be the 'badass gay that didn't like sports" eventually bit me in the ass of realizing "oh I really like watching figure skating"-catching it on the Winter Olympics and realizing "Shit, it's dancing. On ice. That's amazing!" with glitter and glam-tastic costumes!-and then being bowled over by the diva-tastic antics of Mr. Weir (whose Fallen Angels program at Vancouver blew my mind/skating to Poker Face was frakin' FUN) made me think "you love this shit. Just as much as you love horridly masc. metal/hardcore, weenie liberal punk, old school mutli-hybrid punk, trance techno, glam pop (old and new), occasional biking, soccer, tennis, but much more glittery dancing ice sports.
Culminating in continually, revolving realizations that while I'm primarily comfortable with calling myself 'gay' most of the time, I'm sure with the inner thoughts in my head, I'd freak out some gay and only ever gay men-I've found women attractive; my realization of gay identity was less about genitalia and more about finding a face and emotions attractive-and fuck they just happened to be men. (insert Chasing Amy dialogue that I can't remember fully-dialogue that was fully wonderful and uptopia-ishly naive for this fraked up real world of a world we live in ;))
Rambling: Self Image, Masculine VS. Feminine, Gay VS. Straight VS. STR8 VS. GAY!, Sports, VS. Dancing, Music VS. Music- Me VS. Me. It's silly, stupid, but thoughtfully shallow and contemplative and dizzyingly freeing. To be Me. Whatever the frak that may be. Will be.
I-probably think too hard and agonizingly about this...but whether it's curious sociological contemplation or my own fraked thoughts, I do think about it.
From meditative inner thoughts, pop culture figures (which for better or worse, I think can exert a powerful influence on real life)I eventually, and continually realize, that's not me. I'm neither uber-butch/str8 acting, nor uber-fem acting. But an evolving medium. Like any (hopefully) well adjusted 21st century male, I've accepted I have both masculine and feminine traits, that I can (DUH!) embrace both of wholeheartedly. I can have a semi-deep/creaky cranky voice (which I silly-ishly embraced as being a non-stereotypical trait) but I can totally get gleefully, gay-ly excited about something (or walk really really fast; thanks Will Smiley ;) ) Equally, I've dyed my hair black/dark brown, bleach blond, blue, and wore black nail polish (in the pre-text of playing a stereotypically goth role in a play) but loved it, in college; I clung to that stuff until it was chipping in tiny fragments off my fingers; my friend Fox putting eyeliner on me (as much as a bitch it was to get off/after dancing all night) was equally thrilling and soul embracing/loosening for me. It was a silly/stupid fun act to go the WAC gym with black nail polish chipping off to work out, alongside all the "stereotypical meatheads" (but who the frak am I to assume that either?)
Then returning to "regular life," (library work, etc.) I find myself (YES, with the advent of Adam Lambert (and his adorably twink-ish straight goth glam guitarist, with the eyeliner, nail polish) wanting to do that stuff again. Like I never got to go all wild with it in high school?
A silly affirmation of "me liking metal/hardcore/punk music=me masculine" led to me wondering, But, you stupid git, I think to myself, why can't I like whatever music I like, whether it's stereotypically man's music or female music, or gay music, or whatever, and just LIKE IT? over the last few years stretched a musical interest strand of The Germs (proto-hardcore punk with glam roots fronted by a closet case) to David Bowie (Godfather of Glam and ambiguously sexual popstars!) and "T. Rex" Marc Boylan (Glam's unjustly less remembered godfather?)to Adam Lambert (seeking to bring back the old glam/do whatever the frak his gay/cheeky/hilarious self wants) to Lady Gaga (the apparent gay Godmother that I didn't 'bleepin' understand why all the gays loved her until I realized "oh THAT'S why all the gays love her!"
Bouncing back to my weird early era of wanting to be the 'badass gay that didn't like sports" eventually bit me in the ass of realizing "oh I really like watching figure skating"-catching it on the Winter Olympics and realizing "Shit, it's dancing. On ice. That's amazing!" with glitter and glam-tastic costumes!-and then being bowled over by the diva-tastic antics of Mr. Weir (whose Fallen Angels program at Vancouver blew my mind/skating to Poker Face was frakin' FUN) made me think "you love this shit. Just as much as you love horridly masc. metal/hardcore, weenie liberal punk, old school mutli-hybrid punk, trance techno, glam pop (old and new), occasional biking, soccer, tennis, but much more glittery dancing ice sports.
Culminating in continually, revolving realizations that while I'm primarily comfortable with calling myself 'gay' most of the time, I'm sure with the inner thoughts in my head, I'd freak out some gay and only ever gay men-I've found women attractive; my realization of gay identity was less about genitalia and more about finding a face and emotions attractive-and fuck they just happened to be men. (insert Chasing Amy dialogue that I can't remember fully-dialogue that was fully wonderful and uptopia-ishly naive for this fraked up real world of a world we live in ;))
Rambling: Self Image, Masculine VS. Feminine, Gay VS. Straight VS. STR8 VS. GAY!, Sports, VS. Dancing, Music VS. Music- Me VS. Me. It's silly, stupid, but thoughtfully shallow and contemplative and dizzyingly freeing. To be Me. Whatever the frak that may be. Will be.
I-probably think too hard and agonizingly about this...but whether it's curious sociological contemplation or my own fraked thoughts, I do think about it.