My Paper Heart
So I'm supposed to be going to bed, but then i was looking at chris' lj, and realized i hadn't listened to some of my older cd's in a while. random iTunes and pop! BINGO. All American Rejects. I loved their self-titled album. it made me feel so many things at once the first time i listened to it (kudos to my toe-moss). and listening to it again, i have the same tumult of emotions inside me, but now they have so much more meaning. Well, not more meaning, but such a different meaning. Freshman year, the end of it, when i got this album, i was in over my head. Guys were finally something i was interested in but i didn't know how to act anymore--growing up with boys made me more like "one of the guys" so how do i stop giving my buddy image and start being jenny, the girl? tom and derek---the current crushes of the time (christine knows what i'm talking about)--they were throwing me for a loop. I loved hanging out with them as friends and yet i was so confused about liking them. everyone knows i never talked to guys about going out, etc (except bruno, obviously), but it wasn't like i just suddenly sprouted a boy-crush on bruno. I didn't know how to be me anymore. i hated all the girly stuff yet i wasn't just another girl in the eyes of my friends, i was equivilent of a boy, the buddy, the chick that's cool to hang with, whatever. it made me miss my newark boys so badly it made me cry sometimes thinking of how much i missed them and wondering if i'd still be stuck in the same situation with them. i was so lonely, and yet followed all the emotions of the song as if i had lived through them already.
now, listening, i can still feel all the old things, but now it's on a completely different level. my mind understands the pain of ending relationships and confusion from personal experiences and being there through everyone else's during high school. i always had a heightened emotional reaction, even when i was little, but lately they just wash over me and i drown in them until i can pause long enough to breathe. i worry about being away from bruno, i realize how homesick i was for everyone while i was at UC Irvine and how that affected my performance in school. i can feel the cut and sting of resentment from being alone while everyone else gets to go home to livermore. i even feel the jealousy at bruno going out with liz and any other girl when i used to joke about liz's jealousy with wes. i miss everyone, yet i feel like i'm not part of the group anymore, but just some 5th wheel or second stringer that shouldn't really be going out with people.
mostly i feel anxiety. i don't know what i'm doing still and i need to get away from my parents. i want to go live with bruno but can't. i want to be with bruno more but the price is so high that other things would have to be put on hold. i feel depressed sometimes because i'm surrounded by married, pregnant girls my age every day at school and even at work (anna, my manager is adorable and pregnant and so cute about it). it makes me feel like i want to be married with a baby already, even though that's rediculous of me, and that's what scares me--the feeling of wanting a family now. i should be thinking about school and what i'm going to do with the rest of my life and all i can think about is how much i like kids and wishing i was married. i look at my room and am so frustrated by it's childishness--my bed and dresser set that i've had since i was like seven with hearts and pinkish purple tinges of color, my old stuffed animals, even my high school stuff. it feels like it's all so far away--like my life in livermore and newark was ages ago, yet here i still am. stuck with it all the same as it's been for a long time. nothing's changed. just like me. i haven't grown in any noticeable way except out in the chest area. i still look the same, i still live in (relatively) the same place, still behave the same. i've tried to change my appearance, my attitude, the way i talk...but it doesn't feel like me when i do it.
when is it my turn to grow up?
now, listening, i can still feel all the old things, but now it's on a completely different level. my mind understands the pain of ending relationships and confusion from personal experiences and being there through everyone else's during high school. i always had a heightened emotional reaction, even when i was little, but lately they just wash over me and i drown in them until i can pause long enough to breathe. i worry about being away from bruno, i realize how homesick i was for everyone while i was at UC Irvine and how that affected my performance in school. i can feel the cut and sting of resentment from being alone while everyone else gets to go home to livermore. i even feel the jealousy at bruno going out with liz and any other girl when i used to joke about liz's jealousy with wes. i miss everyone, yet i feel like i'm not part of the group anymore, but just some 5th wheel or second stringer that shouldn't really be going out with people.
mostly i feel anxiety. i don't know what i'm doing still and i need to get away from my parents. i want to go live with bruno but can't. i want to be with bruno more but the price is so high that other things would have to be put on hold. i feel depressed sometimes because i'm surrounded by married, pregnant girls my age every day at school and even at work (anna, my manager is adorable and pregnant and so cute about it). it makes me feel like i want to be married with a baby already, even though that's rediculous of me, and that's what scares me--the feeling of wanting a family now. i should be thinking about school and what i'm going to do with the rest of my life and all i can think about is how much i like kids and wishing i was married. i look at my room and am so frustrated by it's childishness--my bed and dresser set that i've had since i was like seven with hearts and pinkish purple tinges of color, my old stuffed animals, even my high school stuff. it feels like it's all so far away--like my life in livermore and newark was ages ago, yet here i still am. stuck with it all the same as it's been for a long time. nothing's changed. just like me. i haven't grown in any noticeable way except out in the chest area. i still look the same, i still live in (relatively) the same place, still behave the same. i've tried to change my appearance, my attitude, the way i talk...but it doesn't feel like me when i do it.
when is it my turn to grow up?