I'm addin more every day
So I haven't written in this for a long time...
So I am here in Charleston right now, for a couple of days during Thanksgiving break. I want to go home so badly, but at the same time, I am scared. How am I supposed to answer the question that everyone will be asking me?
"So, How's college?"
Am I supposed to answer truthfully? Or should I lie and say how much I love it, I love swimming, classes are hard, but I have so many new friends. I am so happy and blessed to go there, and I know that you will have fun in college too?
Because that would be a major lie.
Or do people want to truth.
I hate it.
I hate the twins, they bother me with their OCDness, and the fact that they "love" their boyfriends so much. I hate how they are so nice to everyone, always saying hi to every person they see. I also hate the fact that they are so close to the coaches, and always swim fast, even though I train just as hard as them. Everytime I hear Claire saying "I love you" to Alhen it makes me so angry, because she is reason that me and Kyle aren't together anymore. I hate how she hid the pots and pans, and then told everyone about it, making me the bad guy. I hate how she can do whatever she wants.
I sometimes hate Megan. I hate how she can always get guys, loves having sex with different guys even though she has a perfectly good boyfriend back home. She could have any guy in the world, while I am left with nothing. I hate how she makes friends so easily, and how she could never train a day in her life and be okay.
I hate the swim team. The girls are okay, most of the time are bitchy, but they don't give two-shits about me for some reason. I don't contribut to the team at all because I swim so slow. I feel like I have no friends on the team, even though I have done NOTHING to make anyone not like me.
I hate the coaches. Coach Moody, my head coach, doesn't talk to me ever. I don't understand if he is afraid of me, doesn't want a relationship with me, or just doesn't care. I work hard everyday, don't complain, and I do what I am told. Leah bitches at me for no reason, but I'm so done with her.
I hate how I haven't made any good friends yet. There has been some friendly times between me and other people, but not enough to really call them friends. It makes me upset that I really can't talk to anyone here about things that are going on, because they don't understand everything that I have been through.
I hate how I am fat. I keep gaining weight, even though I know it will make me swim slow, something that I really don't want. I hate how I always eat when I am upset, and that I feel like food controls me, not vice versa. I hate the way my body looks, how I feel, and the fact that I will go home and people will say "OH, she's got the Freshman 15." I am so unhappy/ depressed, and I know that I should talk to someone but I am too scared to.
Should I tell people the whole Kyle thing? I don't think people really understand when I tell them. All they say is... "Wow, that's crazy."
They don't understand how hurt I felt when I found out that Claire, my college roomate, the one person that I was supposed to talk about everything with, told the R.A. on me.
Seriously
Why the FUCK would you do that?
But anyways. Since we are now broken up for good, I should be happy. I've kinda been wanting to break up with him for the past like 2 months, because things were just okay. We would talk and stuff, but I mean we didn't really connect like we used to.
He wasn't even upset. I know he had a chance to "think things over for a few days" before he did it, but that it TOTAL bullshit that he wasn't even upset. Ending a 1 year 8 month relationship that easily should be illegal. I mean, its's not like he is not emotional because I have seen him cry at least 10 times for no apparent reason. I swear to God the kid cries more than I do.
I know that he "wants to be free" but I don't understand how I was holding him back at all. We talked maybe once every 3 days, and if he cheated on me I would never know. It seems so stupid that all that fighting with my friends, parents, and myself was all for nothing. I invested so much time, money, and emotion into it.
I delt with so much of his shit. The fact that he doesn't go to school. The fast that his family situation is sooooo messed up. The fact that he doesn't train consistanly and constantly lets me and Chris down for helping him. He has treated me so badly and I just stood there and took it.
So I should be happy. I should be relieved that I can do my own thing, not have to worry about him having money, or if my parents find out, not having to worry about if the twins or if anyone else finds out.
I'm more miserable then I have ever been. Anything makes me think of him. I'm sure he is happy. Probably hanging out at Owen's house (my friend too) talking about what a dumb fucking bitch I am, how fat I am, and how glad he is that he never has to deal with me again.
I feel so alone.
Tomorrow is going to hurt to see him. It hurts just thinking about seeing him. I want to call. I want to bury my head into his chest, have him cuddle with me and for him to say "It's okay Meg, don't worry about it. Just relax, and soon you will feel better. " I want him to tell me a funny stupid joke about how good my butt looks or how goofy my hair looks after sex.
I want him to make fun of me when I drive, or turn down the radio when I sing.
I want him to say I miss you sooo much, and then we will go graffiti at Valhalla, and I will write:
emy G
+
bLANC
=
<3
And then we will get a sunshine smoothie at Sonic, I will drop him off, give him a kiss and say:
I LOVE YOU!
always and forever.
So I am here in Charleston right now, for a couple of days during Thanksgiving break. I want to go home so badly, but at the same time, I am scared. How am I supposed to answer the question that everyone will be asking me?
"So, How's college?"
Am I supposed to answer truthfully? Or should I lie and say how much I love it, I love swimming, classes are hard, but I have so many new friends. I am so happy and blessed to go there, and I know that you will have fun in college too?
Because that would be a major lie.
Or do people want to truth.
I hate it.
I hate the twins, they bother me with their OCDness, and the fact that they "love" their boyfriends so much. I hate how they are so nice to everyone, always saying hi to every person they see. I also hate the fact that they are so close to the coaches, and always swim fast, even though I train just as hard as them. Everytime I hear Claire saying "I love you" to Alhen it makes me so angry, because she is reason that me and Kyle aren't together anymore. I hate how she hid the pots and pans, and then told everyone about it, making me the bad guy. I hate how she can do whatever she wants.
I sometimes hate Megan. I hate how she can always get guys, loves having sex with different guys even though she has a perfectly good boyfriend back home. She could have any guy in the world, while I am left with nothing. I hate how she makes friends so easily, and how she could never train a day in her life and be okay.
I hate the swim team. The girls are okay, most of the time are bitchy, but they don't give two-shits about me for some reason. I don't contribut to the team at all because I swim so slow. I feel like I have no friends on the team, even though I have done NOTHING to make anyone not like me.
I hate the coaches. Coach Moody, my head coach, doesn't talk to me ever. I don't understand if he is afraid of me, doesn't want a relationship with me, or just doesn't care. I work hard everyday, don't complain, and I do what I am told. Leah bitches at me for no reason, but I'm so done with her.
I hate how I haven't made any good friends yet. There has been some friendly times between me and other people, but not enough to really call them friends. It makes me upset that I really can't talk to anyone here about things that are going on, because they don't understand everything that I have been through.
I hate how I am fat. I keep gaining weight, even though I know it will make me swim slow, something that I really don't want. I hate how I always eat when I am upset, and that I feel like food controls me, not vice versa. I hate the way my body looks, how I feel, and the fact that I will go home and people will say "OH, she's got the Freshman 15." I am so unhappy/ depressed, and I know that I should talk to someone but I am too scared to.
Should I tell people the whole Kyle thing? I don't think people really understand when I tell them. All they say is... "Wow, that's crazy."
They don't understand how hurt I felt when I found out that Claire, my college roomate, the one person that I was supposed to talk about everything with, told the R.A. on me.
Seriously
Why the FUCK would you do that?
But anyways. Since we are now broken up for good, I should be happy. I've kinda been wanting to break up with him for the past like 2 months, because things were just okay. We would talk and stuff, but I mean we didn't really connect like we used to.
He wasn't even upset. I know he had a chance to "think things over for a few days" before he did it, but that it TOTAL bullshit that he wasn't even upset. Ending a 1 year 8 month relationship that easily should be illegal. I mean, its's not like he is not emotional because I have seen him cry at least 10 times for no apparent reason. I swear to God the kid cries more than I do.
I know that he "wants to be free" but I don't understand how I was holding him back at all. We talked maybe once every 3 days, and if he cheated on me I would never know. It seems so stupid that all that fighting with my friends, parents, and myself was all for nothing. I invested so much time, money, and emotion into it.
I delt with so much of his shit. The fact that he doesn't go to school. The fast that his family situation is sooooo messed up. The fact that he doesn't train consistanly and constantly lets me and Chris down for helping him. He has treated me so badly and I just stood there and took it.
So I should be happy. I should be relieved that I can do my own thing, not have to worry about him having money, or if my parents find out, not having to worry about if the twins or if anyone else finds out.
I'm more miserable then I have ever been. Anything makes me think of him. I'm sure he is happy. Probably hanging out at Owen's house (my friend too) talking about what a dumb fucking bitch I am, how fat I am, and how glad he is that he never has to deal with me again.
I feel so alone.
Tomorrow is going to hurt to see him. It hurts just thinking about seeing him. I want to call. I want to bury my head into his chest, have him cuddle with me and for him to say "It's okay Meg, don't worry about it. Just relax, and soon you will feel better. " I want him to tell me a funny stupid joke about how good my butt looks or how goofy my hair looks after sex.
I want him to make fun of me when I drive, or turn down the radio when I sing.
I want him to say I miss you sooo much, and then we will go graffiti at Valhalla, and I will write:
emy G
+
bLANC
=
<3
And then we will get a sunshine smoothie at Sonic, I will drop him off, give him a kiss and say:
I LOVE YOU!
always and forever.