In a nutshell.
Felice Family Christmas(tm) would have been better if not for the chaos. Now, there's normally some drama created by Aunt G., but it's usually in my direction and no one notices. This year, because the dates had been moved around so much, her daughters didn't come. We were all disapointed, but sometimes these things happen. During our appetizers at Aunt F.'s and Uncle R.'s bar, Aunt G. stands up and says she has an announcement. We, of course, immediately joke, "You're pregnant!" and laugh. She says that she's going to be 69, and as the matriarch of the family now that Grandma's dead (mind you, Grandma Sally has been dead since I was about 8. That's about 16 years.) she's decided that we should hold family Christmas at her house from now on, since it's hard for her to travel. No one likes this idea. Not only does she live way out in Bay Shore, Long Island, but she also lives in a small apartment. We'd all fit, but it's uncomfortable and crowded with all of us together, because there's each family, each with two children in tow, plus people's significant others. You'd have upwards of 20 people crammed into a tight space, and it's no fun. The last time we had a holiday there, us kids had to eat in the kitchen at a "kiddie table". We were all either in our twenties or our late teens. So, Uncle P. suggests that we meet at a half way point, his house in Queens, and Aunt G. decides to tell Uncle R. that the real reason her kids weren't there was because they want to do the family celebration on Christmas Eve like we used to.
Now, none of us under 30 remember having our family Christmas actually on Christmas Eve. Uncle P. always worked, and we all had other places to go. At this point in time, we've all established traditions with other people. It's not fair to three sections of the family to have to change their plans because one section wants to do things their way. This HUGE argument ensued, no joke, for about an hour as to why or why not we should do things on Christmas Eve, and why it was rude of her to bring something like that up, etc. My cousin C. leaned down to me and said, "Where's your dad when we need a joke?" The fight went on and on, and at one point, when Aunt G. said something about her daughters' opinion, I jumped in and said, "Why does it matter what day we do it, if we're all together anyway?" Aunt G. looked at me and said, "This doesn't concern you, so butt out!" When I started to ask why it didn't concern me, she actually raised her voice and shouted at me, "Butt out, I told you! Just BUTT OUT!" I walked away in a huff, and Aunt D. had to calm me down. Not because I got yelled at, tempers were flaring all over the place and it was perfectly understandable, but for her to tell me that something doesn't concern me, when my cousin R. had said something, and my cousin C. had said something, all without comment from her, is simply bullshit. Eventually she calmed down, and Aunt G. apologised for yelling at me, so I told her it was okay, and that it was forgotten, but it's not. I'm actually really annoyed and really hurt.
Aunt G. treats me like I don't count fully as a member of my family. Granted, I really only see everyone once a year, and half the family doesn't bother talking to me unless they're forced to at a gathering, but that's okay. I am who I am, and I can't help it. But Aunt G.'s always been antagonistic towards me. When my father died, she was quick to take me in, even though it would have been better for all involved to let me stay where we'd been living. Aunt D. told me that today, that she suggested it and no one would listen. Once I moved in with Aunt G., nothing I ever did was good enough. Her daughter could do no wrong, and my cousins were fabulous, but I was just a brat who had no manners. She hit me once, I remember that, and she never did it again after she got no reaction. She treated me like a poor relation, which I guess I was, and as if she only took me in out of a sense of duty, not because she cared. My sister lived with her for a time as well, after she ran away from Aunt D.'s and Uncle P.'s, but decided to jump ship and leave there, too, to live with my grandmother where she'd have total freedom. After my sister left, Aunt G. tossed me out. She actually did, one day told me that I was too much for her and that I had to go live somewhere else. I was a week shy of my 12th birthday, and to this day I still don't know what I did to spur it on. A few years ago, at Thanksgiving, she told me that it was my mother's fault my father died, because she was the one who turned him onto the heroin. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Yes, well, I don't remember her asking him to beat her when he was drunk, but I'm sure you'll find a way to blame her for that, too." I didn't talk to her for the rest of the night, and I never went back to Thanksgiving there. I'm not responsible for what happened to my parents; I was just a little kid. I didn't even know they were dying! I'm also not responsible for my sister's actions; she did what she wanted, and there was nothing I could have said or done to stop her. I'm lucky she even noticed me in those days! And now, she treats me differently than she does the other cousins. Like I'm not good enough, I'm simply not enough, a poor substitute for her brother Ralphie, and obviously not good enough to be his daughter. It's funny, when I was a kid, I adored my father. Aunt G.'s the only person with any pictures of him, it'll be like pulling teeth to get them from her, but she doesn't seem to think I deserve anything having to do with my dad. And then not only do I feel like a second class citizen at these family things, but she makes me feel just . . .not quite empty, but . . .it's sort of like when you're stomach's empty, and it hurts. That weird, twisty feeling even though your tummy feels hollow. I feel hollow. I feel angry and sad and just empty all at the same time, because my father's not there to defend me, and she won't hear a word I say because I'm not Ralphie.
She makes me feel like that confused and scared 11 year old kid again, who had to go live with strangers because her family didn't want her. She completely ruined my night. And I'll never forgive her.