heart vomit
I finally got a new DVD player today, and I got a new movie to test it out. Catch and Release. I had wanted to see it when it came out but I don't have anyone to see chick flicks with. I was afraid it would be cheesy, but holy God. It was perfect. I bawled my eyes out. It's my new favorite. Garden State good. And it totally suited my mood.
I have not been in a good head space lately. I feel stagnant and stuck. I really need to make some big changes but I don't feel like I'm in a position to do that.
At this point my job and 90% of the bullshit that comes with it are really wearing me down. I guess the novelty or whatever is pretty much gone. And so are the customers and insanely good money I used to make. The things that used to amuse me about it mostly just annoy me now. Business seems to get worse and worse. My boss is a jackass. He's stressing about money, but rather than making simple logical changes to fix it, all he does is bitch at me about every single thing that goes wrong while he continues to run the damn thing into the ground. I'm sick of the stress. But I can't quit. And the lifestyle is fucking with me. Yeah, we have a lot of crazy fun nights, but for about a million reasons I do not need to be out so much. Especially because it leaves me exhausted and absolutely worthless as far as getting anything productive done could go. Around finals time I made a list of things I wanted to do this summer. Mostly simple things. Four weeks later and what have I accomplished? Almost nothing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know how I operate. Or fail to, more often than not.
Seth is gone. I have a lot of things to say about that whole ordeal, but the condensed version would go something like this: I knew I would miss him, but I hadn't counted on it being this much. I knew he cared about me, but I hadn't realized it was this much. I'm still pretending it's not real and will keep hoping something happens to change things until the very day he actually ships out. It's hard to organize the feelings in such a way that they make sense: I admire his bravery but it's a struggle to remember that it's a brave thing he's doing when the whole war is such a clusterfuck that I just can't believe in. I need to not go any farther down this train of thought at the present moment. If anything worse than a paper cut happens to him I am going to go nuts.
Things are suddenly weird with me Rach and Ballard. Ballard and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and it seems this bothers Rachel for some reason. She made that fact apparent with some middle school behavor and bitchy comments this weekend. I'm baffled, really. I don't know what I can do or say to try to fix it that wouldn't inevitably make the whole thing more stupid than it already is, and really I just kind of refuse to start playing little girl games at this point. We have all been friends for years now. Me and Ballard just picked up where we left off when he started dating Amy and I started dating Ryan. And it's not like we don't try to get her to hang out too - she's the one who refuses to function two or more days in a row. It just really...stung to have her be that way toward me. Oh, and Tillman got arrested for DUI last night. The whole ordeal really freaked me out. I hate that for him. And I need to learn from his mistake. Our whole crowd does.
And I suppose the elephant in the room full of things that are getting me down lately is that Luke's anniversary is next week. It's been on my mind for a few weeks now. I always think about him every day, but this time of year it's harder to focus on who he was instead of how he died. Almost no one will ever talk about him because of that. You mention his name and people look away and change the subject. I hate that. He was such a beautiful, amazing person, and it kills me that hardly anyone is willing to push past the hard part to talk about the good stuff. He was so much more than that one final moment, and he deserves to be remembered for the twenty years of Luke that came before that. Aside from the feeling of the scab being torn off of that wound, the anniversary of the day I will never forget makes me think about the kind of person I am now. When it first happened, I took a long hard look at myself and I hated what I saw. I changed a lot during that time. And now as I take stock again I feel like I have lost a lot of ground. I don't know when it happened or how I didn't notice but I've regressed. And I can't stand it. And I can't stay like this. God. I can't believe it's been two years. Right now it feels new again. And it hurts.
I have not been in a good head space lately. I feel stagnant and stuck. I really need to make some big changes but I don't feel like I'm in a position to do that.
At this point my job and 90% of the bullshit that comes with it are really wearing me down. I guess the novelty or whatever is pretty much gone. And so are the customers and insanely good money I used to make. The things that used to amuse me about it mostly just annoy me now. Business seems to get worse and worse. My boss is a jackass. He's stressing about money, but rather than making simple logical changes to fix it, all he does is bitch at me about every single thing that goes wrong while he continues to run the damn thing into the ground. I'm sick of the stress. But I can't quit. And the lifestyle is fucking with me. Yeah, we have a lot of crazy fun nights, but for about a million reasons I do not need to be out so much. Especially because it leaves me exhausted and absolutely worthless as far as getting anything productive done could go. Around finals time I made a list of things I wanted to do this summer. Mostly simple things. Four weeks later and what have I accomplished? Almost nothing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know how I operate. Or fail to, more often than not.
Seth is gone. I have a lot of things to say about that whole ordeal, but the condensed version would go something like this: I knew I would miss him, but I hadn't counted on it being this much. I knew he cared about me, but I hadn't realized it was this much. I'm still pretending it's not real and will keep hoping something happens to change things until the very day he actually ships out. It's hard to organize the feelings in such a way that they make sense: I admire his bravery but it's a struggle to remember that it's a brave thing he's doing when the whole war is such a clusterfuck that I just can't believe in. I need to not go any farther down this train of thought at the present moment. If anything worse than a paper cut happens to him I am going to go nuts.
Things are suddenly weird with me Rach and Ballard. Ballard and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and it seems this bothers Rachel for some reason. She made that fact apparent with some middle school behavor and bitchy comments this weekend. I'm baffled, really. I don't know what I can do or say to try to fix it that wouldn't inevitably make the whole thing more stupid than it already is, and really I just kind of refuse to start playing little girl games at this point. We have all been friends for years now. Me and Ballard just picked up where we left off when he started dating Amy and I started dating Ryan. And it's not like we don't try to get her to hang out too - she's the one who refuses to function two or more days in a row. It just really...stung to have her be that way toward me. Oh, and Tillman got arrested for DUI last night. The whole ordeal really freaked me out. I hate that for him. And I need to learn from his mistake. Our whole crowd does.
And I suppose the elephant in the room full of things that are getting me down lately is that Luke's anniversary is next week. It's been on my mind for a few weeks now. I always think about him every day, but this time of year it's harder to focus on who he was instead of how he died. Almost no one will ever talk about him because of that. You mention his name and people look away and change the subject. I hate that. He was such a beautiful, amazing person, and it kills me that hardly anyone is willing to push past the hard part to talk about the good stuff. He was so much more than that one final moment, and he deserves to be remembered for the twenty years of Luke that came before that. Aside from the feeling of the scab being torn off of that wound, the anniversary of the day I will never forget makes me think about the kind of person I am now. When it first happened, I took a long hard look at myself and I hated what I saw. I changed a lot during that time. And now as I take stock again I feel like I have lost a lot of ground. I don't know when it happened or how I didn't notice but I've regressed. And I can't stand it. And I can't stay like this. God. I can't believe it's been two years. Right now it feels new again. And it hurts.