fuck this
My internet is still broken. I'm at my mom's, supposedly using her technology to scrape together a presentation to give tomorrow morning. Only one more week til finals, which means I have two papers to write and like five exams to study for. My apartment is a mess. I am fucking exhausted. I'm working more nights now, but business is awful so I'm not making any money or getting any sleep and I'm drinking too much. Ryan is making me crazy. Last night after several calls and text messages and eventually making me cry as I tried to get ready for night class and work, he then showed up at the bar, and then after further calls and texts was knocking on my door at five o'clock this morning. I love him - not enough obviously. I don't want to be mean to him. I don't want to be with him. But I can't take this shit anymore. It's been 37 days of this crap (he counted, not me) and I'm so worn out I feel like giving in and saying yeah whatever we're together just shut up. I wouldn't be happy but he's making it pretty much impossible for me to try that on for size now, and at least then I wouldn't have all this guilt and added stress and mind-fuck. I know I can't do that. I won't. I just don't know how to get rid of him without being a total bitch. It has to happen though, because I really feel like I'm losing my fucking mind, and I have never needed any help down the road toward nervous breakdown town.