Lost
I like just don't know anymore. Like I really just need to get away from here. Like not necessarily here, just like away from everyone and everything I know. I am stuck in the same patterns. I do the same things over and over again. I make the same mistakes over and over again, and really i need something new. I'm not sure where to get it. Do I have to wait until I go to college? Can I wait until I go to college? I need a new beginning. Maybe not even my whole life needs a new beginning. I just need to disconnect from what I have now. Or maybe from what I don't have now. I don't even know anymore.
I'm tired of being told I can't. I feel like everyone else is getting these great opportunities to do what they want, and I am finally figuring out what I want and all that anyone tells me is that I can't, that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to fail. I wish someone would just believe in me, and it would be absolutely phenomenal if it was my parents.
I realize that in my life there are a few things that are my rocks. The things that never ever fail to move. Youth group is most defenitly one of those things. Friends change, people change, but youth group has always always always been there no matter what. Then choir... the other thing that has comepletely changed me. Something I went for randomly... something i decided to do on am impulse, and honestly it was the best impulse that I have ever had. Freshman year it tore me down, but made me a trillion times better for it. This is lame, but it is the one thing that has proven to me that with dedication and effort anything is possible. I went from being the girl that Dr. J. used as the bad example, to the girl that is an officer and secion leader. I grew up in that class.
I feel like I've grown up, but at the same time not. I still have those moments where I just need to run away. Moments where I still do run away. I remeber when I used to just know. Now, really, I question everything. I wish I could go back to having faith in the world around me. Not feeling the need to run away. I wish I could just not run away, but with not running comes hurt. I learned that lesson.
Everytime I think I get things figured out... its like nope your wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just be right for the fact of being right. This weekend a friendship (if you wanna call it that) was rekindled, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean last time I talked to this person it was like "I hate you and never want to see you again" and now its like pretending like nothing bad ever happened. Am I absolutely crazy? I think not... can trust in a relationship like that ever come back? Do I even want it back?
I'm going to work for what I want, beginning now, so here it goes....
I'm tired of being told I can't. I feel like everyone else is getting these great opportunities to do what they want, and I am finally figuring out what I want and all that anyone tells me is that I can't, that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to fail. I wish someone would just believe in me, and it would be absolutely phenomenal if it was my parents.
I realize that in my life there are a few things that are my rocks. The things that never ever fail to move. Youth group is most defenitly one of those things. Friends change, people change, but youth group has always always always been there no matter what. Then choir... the other thing that has comepletely changed me. Something I went for randomly... something i decided to do on am impulse, and honestly it was the best impulse that I have ever had. Freshman year it tore me down, but made me a trillion times better for it. This is lame, but it is the one thing that has proven to me that with dedication and effort anything is possible. I went from being the girl that Dr. J. used as the bad example, to the girl that is an officer and secion leader. I grew up in that class.
I feel like I've grown up, but at the same time not. I still have those moments where I just need to run away. Moments where I still do run away. I remeber when I used to just know. Now, really, I question everything. I wish I could go back to having faith in the world around me. Not feeling the need to run away. I wish I could just not run away, but with not running comes hurt. I learned that lesson.
Everytime I think I get things figured out... its like nope your wrong. Sometimes I wish I could just be right for the fact of being right. This weekend a friendship (if you wanna call it that) was rekindled, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean last time I talked to this person it was like "I hate you and never want to see you again" and now its like pretending like nothing bad ever happened. Am I absolutely crazy? I think not... can trust in a relationship like that ever come back? Do I even want it back?
I'm going to work for what I want, beginning now, so here it goes....