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sorry for the posts last night i was drunk....i haven't read it since i have been sober so i'm not sure what was said... but i do remember saying that i miss nic. well that is true. i miss what we had. things were going so well. i was happy again, and he got my mind off fred.. i know that sounds really bad but i need to see other people. i couldn't hang on forever when i wasn't positive how things were going to end.. anyways... i thought things were going somewhere but like usual things get sour so things didn't work out fine but i just wish i would hear from him every now and then... ok enough about nic cause i know talking about it won't make a difference i just hope what he told me wasn't a lie.
this entry is going to be a real entry..i'm actually going to write a real entry and tell you whats been going on.. what i'm feeling etc... enjoy
ok so fred is coming home this wed and there are so many emotions that are running through my head. I'm super excited that he is coming home but at the same time a little bit bumming. I am bumming because i'm not the only girl he is coming home to. There is a girl here who he has interest in. I want nothing more for him to be happy but it still hurts. I really hate the fact that i'm really jealous of this girl. i really do. I think i dislike her so much is because i know her. idk its weird but i just really don't care for the girl and i know its not true but i do feel like i'm being replaced. Its weird cause i feel like i can meet other guys and have interest but its not ok for fred. which is stupid cause i shouldn't feel that way but i do. When he comes home i would like to be able to give him a real kiss, sleep besides him when the day is done and just be like old times. But reality hits and you realize you can't do any of the things that you once did. I know its good for us but its so hard. I want nothing more but to lie next to him and fall asleep after the day is done. I wouldn't be expecting to do anything sexual i just miss him being there next to me. There are so many thoughts going through my head. No matter what i will always love fred and i feel like he will be the only guy who will ever really care about me. he is my rock. i wouldn't be the same person if it weren't for him.
Lately my emotions have been up and down. one day i'll be happy. then the next day i'll sad, depressed and lonely. i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster. I hate being sad. sometimes i hide behind my true emotions. i don't want people to know that i'm depressed so i sometime pretend that things are good but reality is things are shit. Last night i was thinking of how my life is shitty. I was thinking of how much of shitty luck i have been having with guys and the fact that i'm done with school and don't really know what i want to do but i know i have to move the fuck out. but today i realized that you know what i am happy. i don't need a guy for me to feel happy about myself. yes sometimes it would be nice to know that someone cares about me but my friends are just as good. I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. boyfriends will come and go but friends will stay forever. plus i have plenty of guy friends who would love to be my cuddle buddy. There is nothing wrong with being single. its fun.
wed my mom is getting gastric bypass surgery done. I'm happy that this is what she wants but i know if she just did an intense excersize she could loose the weight. but she doesn't have the time so i guess she has to take the easy way out. If she would just stick to working out i know she could keep the pounds off. As the days come closer i get a little more nervous for her. I hope everthing goes well. Speaking of loosing weight thats what i need to do. lately i feel so ugly. i feel like everything on me is fat. my face and my stomach are making me feel fat. in a lot of my pictures my face just looks so fat and gross i hate it. i just don't see myself as beautiful. my stomach is getting fatter and fatter. i go to the y when i can but it seems like that doesn;t do anything. i just have to work harder. i should be taking my meds but i always forget. i know its really dumb but i have really bad memory. i know thats no excuse but i forget a lot. i'm so bad at this. i wish i was normal. i want that model body that people dream about. if only i had the money i could have my own personal trainer. i can loose the pounds i know it.....i just have to work harder....
wow i have writen a lot and i hope you enjoyed it... i could keep going on but i think i'm done for now.... i have to be to work at 8 tomorrow so i should get to bed since i didn't sleep well last nite.
peace out
liz
this entry is going to be a real entry..i'm actually going to write a real entry and tell you whats been going on.. what i'm feeling etc... enjoy
ok so fred is coming home this wed and there are so many emotions that are running through my head. I'm super excited that he is coming home but at the same time a little bit bumming. I am bumming because i'm not the only girl he is coming home to. There is a girl here who he has interest in. I want nothing more for him to be happy but it still hurts. I really hate the fact that i'm really jealous of this girl. i really do. I think i dislike her so much is because i know her. idk its weird but i just really don't care for the girl and i know its not true but i do feel like i'm being replaced. Its weird cause i feel like i can meet other guys and have interest but its not ok for fred. which is stupid cause i shouldn't feel that way but i do. When he comes home i would like to be able to give him a real kiss, sleep besides him when the day is done and just be like old times. But reality hits and you realize you can't do any of the things that you once did. I know its good for us but its so hard. I want nothing more but to lie next to him and fall asleep after the day is done. I wouldn't be expecting to do anything sexual i just miss him being there next to me. There are so many thoughts going through my head. No matter what i will always love fred and i feel like he will be the only guy who will ever really care about me. he is my rock. i wouldn't be the same person if it weren't for him.
Lately my emotions have been up and down. one day i'll be happy. then the next day i'll sad, depressed and lonely. i feel like i'm on a rollercoaster. I hate being sad. sometimes i hide behind my true emotions. i don't want people to know that i'm depressed so i sometime pretend that things are good but reality is things are shit. Last night i was thinking of how my life is shitty. I was thinking of how much of shitty luck i have been having with guys and the fact that i'm done with school and don't really know what i want to do but i know i have to move the fuck out. but today i realized that you know what i am happy. i don't need a guy for me to feel happy about myself. yes sometimes it would be nice to know that someone cares about me but my friends are just as good. I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. boyfriends will come and go but friends will stay forever. plus i have plenty of guy friends who would love to be my cuddle buddy. There is nothing wrong with being single. its fun.
wed my mom is getting gastric bypass surgery done. I'm happy that this is what she wants but i know if she just did an intense excersize she could loose the weight. but she doesn't have the time so i guess she has to take the easy way out. If she would just stick to working out i know she could keep the pounds off. As the days come closer i get a little more nervous for her. I hope everthing goes well. Speaking of loosing weight thats what i need to do. lately i feel so ugly. i feel like everything on me is fat. my face and my stomach are making me feel fat. in a lot of my pictures my face just looks so fat and gross i hate it. i just don't see myself as beautiful. my stomach is getting fatter and fatter. i go to the y when i can but it seems like that doesn;t do anything. i just have to work harder. i should be taking my meds but i always forget. i know its really dumb but i have really bad memory. i know thats no excuse but i forget a lot. i'm so bad at this. i wish i was normal. i want that model body that people dream about. if only i had the money i could have my own personal trainer. i can loose the pounds i know it.....i just have to work harder....
wow i have writen a lot and i hope you enjoyed it... i could keep going on but i think i'm done for now.... i have to be to work at 8 tomorrow so i should get to bed since i didn't sleep well last nite.
peace out
liz