Playing with Fire
One of my shift supervisors the other day at Starbucks described to me how he once allowed someone to get extremely close to him, only to watch his heart break the seams (he was probably being sarcastic but for this entry, we can pretend otherwise). After recounting other conversations with various people on the same topic, I came to realize that many people, especially those around me, shielded themselves from risking any sort of emotional rupture by refusing intimacy. It led me to consider how that very same problem affected my own experience with others and how I watched it affect my very own friends.
While everyone’s story has its own distinctive details and characteristics, the basic plot goes something like this: boy and girl or boy meet, one or both embark on first serious relationship, ignorant of the pitfalls and rules and neurosis that accompany each relationship and susceptible to their undoing, and suddenly the shit hits the fan and things fall apart. What’s left is at least one person completely scathed by the incident and an unfortunate subsequent perfect example of operant conditioning. You allow yourself to get too attached and you risk losing it all. Most never recover and spend the rest of their lives still dating, still participating in fulfilling relationships but never returning to that same spark that was there in the original flame.
After about a month into my own relationship, I discussed with Nick my own fears of getting too close too fast. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that I could trust him. And I did. And I still do trust him because I suppose, overall, he really didn’t hurt me not nearly as bad as many first relationships end. But still, apart of me still now approaches everyone - whether relationship prospect or not - with a greater emotional guard, aware that I do not want to cry again like I did once before.
So is this it? Once we have touched the flame, do we avoid letting ourselves get burned again? Obviously, immediately following a break-up and probably for some time after, it’s recovery from hurt that keeps us from engaging in new relationships. But why do we never play with fire the way we do the first time? There are not many things or people that compare with the feelings of elation I garnered from my time with Nick. I guess I’m just too much of a believer in love to let the illusion it may present to fall away. The intensity of the fire is something I refuse to let go up in smoke, even if a relationship does.
While everyone’s story has its own distinctive details and characteristics, the basic plot goes something like this: boy and girl or boy meet, one or both embark on first serious relationship, ignorant of the pitfalls and rules and neurosis that accompany each relationship and susceptible to their undoing, and suddenly the shit hits the fan and things fall apart. What’s left is at least one person completely scathed by the incident and an unfortunate subsequent perfect example of operant conditioning. You allow yourself to get too attached and you risk losing it all. Most never recover and spend the rest of their lives still dating, still participating in fulfilling relationships but never returning to that same spark that was there in the original flame.
After about a month into my own relationship, I discussed with Nick my own fears of getting too close too fast. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, that I could trust him. And I did. And I still do trust him because I suppose, overall, he really didn’t hurt me not nearly as bad as many first relationships end. But still, apart of me still now approaches everyone - whether relationship prospect or not - with a greater emotional guard, aware that I do not want to cry again like I did once before.
So is this it? Once we have touched the flame, do we avoid letting ourselves get burned again? Obviously, immediately following a break-up and probably for some time after, it’s recovery from hurt that keeps us from engaging in new relationships. But why do we never play with fire the way we do the first time? There are not many things or people that compare with the feelings of elation I garnered from my time with Nick. I guess I’m just too much of a believer in love to let the illusion it may present to fall away. The intensity of the fire is something I refuse to let go up in smoke, even if a relationship does.