i cant change this
i look back on everything that happened between us and i know i cant change any of it. for the moment i wish i could because it hurts so bad and i still love him so much. i enjoy the memories that i have even though they dont mean anything to him. these moments mean the world to me and they were some of the happiest times of my life. i will always remember the happiest day and there is no regret that i spent it with him. it hurts me that he was never happy with me not once but there is nothing i can do to change any of it. he is going to get married and i will no longer exist as our relationship doesnt. i cry because i miss the moments that are so special to me knowing that i will never have them back. and i think the thing that hurts me the most is that he doesnt care. i dont think our relationship every really meant anything to him. he can look me in the face and lie to me. is that really what i want? i found out so many things that i shouldnt know and that should keep me from wanting to be with him but none of these things make me mad. just sad about how i keep coming back and how he can continually hurt me and have no remorse for any of it. i smile when i think about all of the happy times i had with him. the night in blakes car and when we were on hilltop looking at the stars and when he gave me my ring. i remember exactly how i felt and i will never forget. these moments are what made everything worth it. i wouldnt change that he was the person who broke my heart because i love him so much i wouldnt want it to be anyone else. i have learned a lot from this experience about myself and what needs to be fixed and i am greatful for this. everything has been a learning experience for me and i think everyone needs to go through something like this. although i wouldnt wish the pain on anyone. i honestly wish him the best with his future wife because she is what makes him happy and thats all i ever wanted. i cry because its something i could never do no matter how hard i tried or what i changed. he will never love me again and i have to accept that. i know that i will never love like this again for fear of getting hurt again but i experienced love and it was great while it lasted. these moments and memories are mine to keep forever and the best thing aobut them is that nobody can take them away. nobody can take them back.