Where is the joy?

[swimgrl37]

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's looking back at you? This past week or so I have felt that way. I'm not completely sure how to describe it, but I guess the joy just hasn't been there. I have not been doing as well as I want to be with God. It's like I see where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. The bad thing about that, as most of you know, is that when things aren't going well with God, everything else goes too. I have been retreating back to my hermit crab existence. Because I haven't been feeling too well lately it has been easy to just stay at home. I'm just so sick of feeling this way (physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally) but at the same time part of me wants to stay in the rut. And what kills me is that satan is so happy; with every passing day that I sit on my butt feeling sorry for myself and being frustrated at certain things about my life, I am wasting time that I could be growing with the Lord and spreading His joy. But I'm not. I feel like I've fallen into a whole in the ground and there's no one else around, and no way for me to get myself out. If I'm not mistaken there's supposed to be joy in this Christian life. Joy that doesn't go away even in hard times or persecution. Joy that is everlasting and eternal. I don't know where it is, and I don't think I have for a while now. And those surfacey self-help comments and encouragements no longer mean anything. I need deep renewing of my spirit that can only come from God. But I'm scared, and I don't even know where to begin. "Deep renewing of my spirit"...what does that mean?! How does that happen? What does it entail?

I'll stop now, otherwise I'll go on forever.