yea about that
well i have finally refound this thing. i havent read anyones joural yet, i just found mine and will post quickly since i see that i have neglected this page for over two years.
My last post was quite the farse. The boy was on a totally different page than me. Six years meant nothing to him, the girl I was teaching with meant more. And that lasted for something like two months. I don't even care anymore. I moved on. Went back to school to finish after my first firing-that was an interesting ordeal. April 1 is the worst day for me, so I am going to hide in my room every year on April 1 and drink a few cups of wine. Now that we are past that, I returned to school, got turned down from grad school - the dream school - and need to figure out what I want to do with my life. For the first time I am free to make my own decisions. The problem is that I have been under my mothers grasp for so long I don't really know how to make my own decisions.
I feel like twenty four hours is not enough to sit around and figure out where I want to go now, but it was all the time I had. I need to get back to my schedule and things that I need to do, like readings and papers and exams. I no longer have time to sit around and waste figuring out where my heart is.
Is my heart back in Israel, is my heart in Iowa, is my heart in New Jersey? I somehow do not wish to go back to New Jersey. I am not 5 anymore, I do not need to keep on fleeing back to my mother, I want to get away from her. She drives me nuts. Everything is how she wants it to be and not how I want it to be, which is how my life ended up here in the first place. American university was never my choice. Israel was. And I can spend time being mad at this one and at that one for all sorts of things but why should I? It isn't going to change my situation now. But for the first time I finally get to choose where I want to go. I just wish I had the money for it! Haha. Oy on to study for tomorrow's exam and the next paper. I know that much.
My last post was quite the farse. The boy was on a totally different page than me. Six years meant nothing to him, the girl I was teaching with meant more. And that lasted for something like two months. I don't even care anymore. I moved on. Went back to school to finish after my first firing-that was an interesting ordeal. April 1 is the worst day for me, so I am going to hide in my room every year on April 1 and drink a few cups of wine. Now that we are past that, I returned to school, got turned down from grad school - the dream school - and need to figure out what I want to do with my life. For the first time I am free to make my own decisions. The problem is that I have been under my mothers grasp for so long I don't really know how to make my own decisions.
I feel like twenty four hours is not enough to sit around and figure out where I want to go now, but it was all the time I had. I need to get back to my schedule and things that I need to do, like readings and papers and exams. I no longer have time to sit around and waste figuring out where my heart is.
Is my heart back in Israel, is my heart in Iowa, is my heart in New Jersey? I somehow do not wish to go back to New Jersey. I am not 5 anymore, I do not need to keep on fleeing back to my mother, I want to get away from her. She drives me nuts. Everything is how she wants it to be and not how I want it to be, which is how my life ended up here in the first place. American university was never my choice. Israel was. And I can spend time being mad at this one and at that one for all sorts of things but why should I? It isn't going to change my situation now. But for the first time I finally get to choose where I want to go. I just wish I had the money for it! Haha. Oy on to study for tomorrow's exam and the next paper. I know that much.