(no subject)
I know what it’s like to be a drug addict. To keep going back to the thing you hate most about yourself in a time of weakness. To not even care. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Things are a lot better now. On the surface at least. I’m really trying to suppress some of the feelings that I have and dismiss them as ridiculous. But it’s getting harder. Jason is back on nights starting tonight and I already feel vulnerable. Like right now I’m sitting here thinking that I have to stay strong but then the devil on my shoulder keeps telling me that I should be doing what I want to do. It’s my life after all. But then the angel says I’m being selfish and how can I really try and make things work if I don’t make myself forget? How can I make myself forget when there are constant reminders everywhere? How do I make myself forget when my mind wanders more than I care to admit?
I know that they say closure happens within a person. It’s not something you can get from someone else. But I don’t even think closure is what I’m seeking. It’s happiness. It’s excitement. It’s spontaneity. Where have these things gone? It seems like I haven’t felt any of those emotions in a long time. Which is why I keep jumping back to the one place I know I can find them. A guaranteed heart rushing, adrenalin pumping place… I can see both sides of this dilemma and that’s why it’s so morally difficult.
Sometimes I wish my mind was a little less complex, my thoughts were a little more sparse, and I was a little more content with a simpler life. None of this would be happening. None of this would have happened already. But I would never live up to my full potential. And I think that’s what might both comfort and scare me the most. If I stay put I might never live up to my full potential… but why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? Who cares about potential? Potential is completely based off expectations: my own expectations and other people’s expectations of me. I’m supposed to work my way up in my career. I’m supposed to do all kinds of things. But who cares if I keep progressing in my life and career? Shouldn’t I be content with the simple things in life?
This is such a scary revelation. I don’t know myself at all. I’m 24 years old and I have no idea what it will take for me to be completely happy.
Things are a lot better now. On the surface at least. I’m really trying to suppress some of the feelings that I have and dismiss them as ridiculous. But it’s getting harder. Jason is back on nights starting tonight and I already feel vulnerable. Like right now I’m sitting here thinking that I have to stay strong but then the devil on my shoulder keeps telling me that I should be doing what I want to do. It’s my life after all. But then the angel says I’m being selfish and how can I really try and make things work if I don’t make myself forget? How can I make myself forget when there are constant reminders everywhere? How do I make myself forget when my mind wanders more than I care to admit?
I know that they say closure happens within a person. It’s not something you can get from someone else. But I don’t even think closure is what I’m seeking. It’s happiness. It’s excitement. It’s spontaneity. Where have these things gone? It seems like I haven’t felt any of those emotions in a long time. Which is why I keep jumping back to the one place I know I can find them. A guaranteed heart rushing, adrenalin pumping place… I can see both sides of this dilemma and that’s why it’s so morally difficult.
Sometimes I wish my mind was a little less complex, my thoughts were a little more sparse, and I was a little more content with a simpler life. None of this would be happening. None of this would have happened already. But I would never live up to my full potential. And I think that’s what might both comfort and scare me the most. If I stay put I might never live up to my full potential… but why can’t I just be happy with the way things are? Who cares about potential? Potential is completely based off expectations: my own expectations and other people’s expectations of me. I’m supposed to work my way up in my career. I’m supposed to do all kinds of things. But who cares if I keep progressing in my life and career? Shouldn’t I be content with the simple things in life?
This is such a scary revelation. I don’t know myself at all. I’m 24 years old and I have no idea what it will take for me to be completely happy.