(no subject)
today was sorta boring i guess.
i talked to jess some.
we talked about everything and then just started talking about gay shit.
tommorrow is her expulsion hearing. me and my mom are going.
sooo i have to wake up at 8. but im not tired at all.
i go back to school friday.
the meeting with ms. wetzel is at 8.
so i still have to wake up at like 6:30
maybe 6:45.
can you fucking believe that they said i refused to go to the office.
the fucking lady even sat down and told officer ray that i was very respectful
and that i did as i was told.
fuck them man.
tomorrow i have the expulsion thing.
then an icky dr's appointment.
&brother bear is coming down.
he read the convo i had with that mikey kid.
he was really pissed off.
he said not only is this guy older threatening a 17 year old.
but he's a guy who thinks its okay to hit a girl.
which my brother is sooo against since my dad did it to my mom.
well it's wrong either way, but he had to watch that happen.
so he promised he would never be like that.
he said mikey would need more than just a pole hahaha.
i love him ♥
i hope jess gets to come back to school.
thats so fucking stupid.
katrina is the one who shouldnt have got involved.
jess was just trying to get katrina off me.
and shit got out of hand.
whatever.
i went to friendlys today.
i saw kristen, brants sister.
she said something about the comment in my journal.
it made me laugh and then i told my mom cause she read it
and she laughed.
i want to work there.
im really starting to like shaun again.
i mean ive always had feelings for him..
even after we broke up.
but yeah. its kinda scary soo im gonna keep things going slow.
and im not going to get attached too quick.
because i have that problem and it freaks people out anyway.
but he's my cuppycake, and im his baby haha.
me and him are such fags ♥
i think its pretty gay that i have 40 friends..
and not even half comment.
awesome. whatever.
i might make a new journal, but i sorta dont want to.
im not sure yet.
god im gay and confusing.
i cant stop thinking about jake..
like, it's just weird.
a year and a half of my life.
down the fucking drain.
i hate him so fucking much for doing this shit.
i hate it that he lead me to believe shit was going to be worked out.
i hate that he told tracy shit would be worked out.
i hate it that i slept next to him.
i hate that when he dropped me off for school friday he told me he loved me.
seriously, why the fuck say shit if you dont mean it?
i didnt WANT to hear i love you, not if it didnt mean anything.
and that still sorta gets to me.
that he can say all this shit..
and call me a whore..
i guess it makes him feel like it was okay to do what he did.
but he knows deep down that i would have never cheated on him.
i told him how the fuck i felt about that shit.
i said 'i dont get why people cheat, i mean if you dont want to be with someone tell them'.
and he fucking agreed.
never once did he say 'this is over for good'.
when he came over for his fucking hat he could have came and got his hat and left.
instead HE decided to kiss me.
HE wanted to take things farther.
HE is the one who said 'i love you' when he left.
fuck him seriously.
i fucking hate this.
i feel like shit because of it.
and i honestly dont know what to do.
so much of what i was used to and what i knew is gone.
everytime we broke up i always sorta just figured me and jake would get back together.
but now it's like..
fuck, its really over this time.
and im not saying i want to be with him..
because i dont at all.
i just wish things didnt end like this..
i just wish he could have been honest with me.
all he had to do was tell me he didnt want to be with me.
he didnt have to make up some lame excuse..
but i guess its not too lame since i believed the shit.
i really hope shit with me and shaun works out.
i like him alot.
and he doesnt seem like the type to hurt me like that.
i've known him for 3 years i think..
at least around that. we met the summer after 9th grade.
who knows.
everything happens for a reason.
its just the waiting around to see why that sucks.
please forgive me for my bitching and complaining..
i just needed to get shit off my chest.