Blah blah and shit
Ok so officially I have no job now. My mom hates me...treating me worse than ever...my dad wont even talk to me...he was so pissed...shit man if Justine wasnt there to take me away from the house I would be dead. So anyways...Halloween...I found out my best friend is a slut:| yea that was interesting...and I went to Justines(my cousin) and watched her baby with her and played Scene it for hours...ate the candy cause we only got 3 trick or treaters. so yeah...I am not looking forward to going home and I am about to start crying. I am really scaring myself once again...I dont really want to put the reason because im at school. But if you are smart and I know you all are...then Im sure you can guess why. I was doing really good too, no I havent done anything and one of my friends was checking my wrists yesterday:| I was like GOD DAMNIT I TOLD YOU I WAS BEING FUCKNIG STRONG OK DONT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. Cause well ive been emotional for a while. My mom is not getting my senior portrait. Im a ltitle upset about that...my mom doesnt care about me at all...im not even kidding, she toldm e that the house I live in. MY HOME is not my home...so told me that to my face. And anytime there are dishes or a mess anywhere its always "ASHLEIGH GET OUT HERE AND CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN MESS" and ITS NTO MINE gah! THe only thing thats messy is my room cause I can still control it, thats what I figured out, it stays messy because its mine and no matter what my mom says I do what I want with my room. Ok now seriously my mom is nuts...ok she baught sunflower seen peanut butter, yeastless bread, NO SODAS whatsoever. One smallllllllll bad of frys...veggie burgers:| and shit like that...ok whatever I am going to start buying my own food. Annnd my mom wants my cell back but I told her no cause I still have about 30 bucks in my bank and next friday I willg et my last 140 dollars and then I watch my cousins kid sometimes...so this can last me for a few more months about three if I save it right. And by then I should have a job. I need to call my pastor cause seriously I am having some emotional difficulties right now and I really just want to cry. My mom stopped talking to my nana(her mom) and its pissing me off cause I only saw her when my mom went over or whatever and now they arent even talking and its really making me mad cause when my g. grandma died I SWORE I would spend moer time with her and I havent....and I had a dream that she was begging me to come see her and now I just feel awful I havent talked to her since......brents bday which was Oct. 4th. Thats a long time. Well no one ever reads these so I am just going to stop writting and just lay down in class here and try not to think of every mistake ive made and every life ive ruined. Did you guys know that I had the worst dream for the past week or so? Its like...I really wasnt supposed to be here acuse I kept dying and waking up and dying and dying. And now when im awake I keep wondering what it would be like to be gone if anyone would care...thats what gets me the closests to doing anything that may be regrettable....but I dotn know...I really want to just end the pani and end the bullshit but I want to know what my life is going to be like...I want to know that I can be happy. But maybe being gone is what will make me happy. Maybe tahts my purpose is to show my mom and dad you can only push someone so much and can only say and do so many bad things before they will not take it anymore.