(no subject)
Ok. So now Im sitting here thinking about that damn song and playing it.
I've used that song in my away messages many a times. Its a great song, but I don't think you realize how haunting of a song it is, if you haven't heard it before.
If you haven't had a loved one tell you that they need to go away and leave you, because their life is something that can't be fixed and they can't bare being where there are anymore.. you don't know what those firts few intro chords can do to your heart when you hear them.
When I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me, Ben made me download that song and listen to it... I remember crying for hours one night, my senior year in college, listening to this song repeatedly for hours after one of the first times he called me, crying, saying he needed to pack up and leave Georgia and go to Alaska, or anywhere to get away and start over because of what the hell he'd seen in Bosnia had done to him, and inevitably have to leave me behind. He thought he could beat the demons, but he couldn't. The nightmares, the alcohol... he couldn't beat them.
A few months ago I realized that I didn't hate him anymore, and I wondered what happened to him. He hurt me. He absolutely devastated me, I was ready to move to Georgia after graduation. I had the newspapers picked out that I was applying to. I had my apartment picked. I knew exactly how far apart our houses would be.... and then he was gone. Granted, in the end it 'worked out' and I know my life is better off with him having gone. But I hate not knowing if he ever got the help he needed or the peace he wanted.
I think when Chris got (gets) depressed, when I hear that tone in his voice that I used to hear in Bens... I get scared. I remember when Chris first got back and was hitting the bars alot, I got kinda concerned but reminded myself that Matt was like that too. Lots to celebrate, so hitting the bars was normal. It was when he mentioned a few times that the nightmares had started and the nights he had some drinks, they didn't happen. I remember that night, in my room in Columbus, when he told me he didn't want to drink that night because he didn't want to rely on that for sleep... and then later that night he called me and was upset that he'd drank.
He'd never be a Ben, on so many levels, but it was hard not to worry about him. I still worry about him. Not with alcohol or anything... just that I hope he's doing well and is ok. So nights when I do talk to him and I can tell he isn't, I get worried.
Anyways- the song. I'm moving on. I've dealt with alot of stuff that I've realized I might not be able to get beyond if I don't leave certain things and people behind. This song hits me pretty hard. Granted, my regrets/past may not be as bad as others, but for me, it's signifigant enough that this song still catches my breath when I first hear it, and breaks my heart when I know how much the guys have related to it. ESPECIALLY Chris. He's such a good guy and has so much potential. I was so happy when he got a teaching job. I was crushed at one point when he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to try teaching anymore, because I knew how badly he'd wanted to do it til that stupid bitch teacher of his crushed his morale.
UGh. Anyways- its a good song but can really break your heart all at the same time. I guess any song can do that though.
I've used that song in my away messages many a times. Its a great song, but I don't think you realize how haunting of a song it is, if you haven't heard it before.
If you haven't had a loved one tell you that they need to go away and leave you, because their life is something that can't be fixed and they can't bare being where there are anymore.. you don't know what those firts few intro chords can do to your heart when you hear them.
When I couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me, Ben made me download that song and listen to it... I remember crying for hours one night, my senior year in college, listening to this song repeatedly for hours after one of the first times he called me, crying, saying he needed to pack up and leave Georgia and go to Alaska, or anywhere to get away and start over because of what the hell he'd seen in Bosnia had done to him, and inevitably have to leave me behind. He thought he could beat the demons, but he couldn't. The nightmares, the alcohol... he couldn't beat them.
A few months ago I realized that I didn't hate him anymore, and I wondered what happened to him. He hurt me. He absolutely devastated me, I was ready to move to Georgia after graduation. I had the newspapers picked out that I was applying to. I had my apartment picked. I knew exactly how far apart our houses would be.... and then he was gone. Granted, in the end it 'worked out' and I know my life is better off with him having gone. But I hate not knowing if he ever got the help he needed or the peace he wanted.
I think when Chris got (gets) depressed, when I hear that tone in his voice that I used to hear in Bens... I get scared. I remember when Chris first got back and was hitting the bars alot, I got kinda concerned but reminded myself that Matt was like that too. Lots to celebrate, so hitting the bars was normal. It was when he mentioned a few times that the nightmares had started and the nights he had some drinks, they didn't happen. I remember that night, in my room in Columbus, when he told me he didn't want to drink that night because he didn't want to rely on that for sleep... and then later that night he called me and was upset that he'd drank.
He'd never be a Ben, on so many levels, but it was hard not to worry about him. I still worry about him. Not with alcohol or anything... just that I hope he's doing well and is ok. So nights when I do talk to him and I can tell he isn't, I get worried.
Anyways- the song. I'm moving on. I've dealt with alot of stuff that I've realized I might not be able to get beyond if I don't leave certain things and people behind. This song hits me pretty hard. Granted, my regrets/past may not be as bad as others, but for me, it's signifigant enough that this song still catches my breath when I first hear it, and breaks my heart when I know how much the guys have related to it. ESPECIALLY Chris. He's such a good guy and has so much potential. I was so happy when he got a teaching job. I was crushed at one point when he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to try teaching anymore, because I knew how badly he'd wanted to do it til that stupid bitch teacher of his crushed his morale.
UGh. Anyways- its a good song but can really break your heart all at the same time. I guess any song can do that though.