"And I'd give up forever to touch you"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESENT DAY FORENSICIRULAN *GLOMPS*
This is my amazingly late birthday present for forensicirulan. It's a wee one-shot fic that I think she will squee her little fangirly head off about. I really hope you like it darling!!! I know I loved writing it.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
~ "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls
Her breathing had softened to a sedate rise and fall. Her previous ragged and dragged breaths had been soothed. Streams of tears still poured from wounded eyes and flowed down her immaculate skin leaving a trail in its wake and dripped from her chin yet not as torrentially as before. She tried to breathe but the sound of air filling her lungs was greeted with saddened sniffling.
The soft quilt beneath her body absorbed her completely. Its hidden warmth moved through to her as the amber sunlight streaming through the tall windows bathed her body. The radiant light from outside imbued every decoration with a new loyalty. The light beamed elegance into the room. The light seemed to reach into every shadow and bring forth its hidden brilliance and beauty. There was nothing that the light did not make beautiful. The light filtered onto the blanket that her feet rested on. The light lay on their clasped hands.
Helen lay alongside John on her bed. Their hands clasped. His arm around her. Her hand on his chest. Her fingers tangled themselves in the black material as she clutched desperately at him seeking comfort. Helen's head was resting on his shoulder and the crook of his neck and his cheek rested itself on her head using her hair as a velvety pillow. John tried to offer Helen as much comfort as he could. Helen could feel the warmth of his breath flowing through her hair. She felt her hairs sway as he exhaled. Her head rose and fell in unison with his controlled breaths. She found solace in his breathing. The melody of it. The timing of it. The soothing rise and fall.
She sighed.
John pulled her closer in his embrace. Her thumb stroked his hand as their fingers intertwined naturally. His free hand absentmindedly stroked her long hair. His touches were butterfly light.
Helen continued to sniffle.
"It will work out Helen," John whispered.
"I know," she tried to answer as she subsided the imminent tears, "I just can't bring myself to believe that, John."
"Understandably," he breathed.
Helen's breathing began to quicken again. Her shoulders began to heave painfully. Her breaths caught in her throat.
"Helen, it will be all right," he repeated again trying in desperation to convince Helen.
Her hand continued to clutch needing at his chest. She heard his words. That was all they were; words.
"I want her back, John," Helen whispered through her newly shed tears, "I want our daughter back."
"I know. I want her back too. We all do."
She buried her face momentarily in John's shoulder hiding her tears in the shadows, praying that the light would not see them; the light would make them real. Helen did not want the current turn of events to be real.
"I want to wake up," Helen murmured.
"I'm afraid that isn't possible," John added softly.
She cried a sigh, "I know. I only wish it were possible."
John held her hand in a tighter grasp.
"You were once able to wake me from a nightmare."
"I only wish I could do the same now."
Helen turned her head back out and rested her temple where it had been placed before.
A gentle silence fell over the couple as they rested on the mattress. The only noises that softened the stark silence was the calmness of their breathing. Additionally, that was greeted by the creaks and other natural noises that permeated the halls of the Sanctuary and the sweet songs of the birds outside the window. Her raspy gasps still punctuated her breathing. Helen felt John's hand caress her hair. In her mind's ear she could hear his fingers stroking each strand of her hair. It was a soft note that played itself over and over. She could hear how the material of his shirt sounded under the grasp of her fingers. She could hear the coarse material move at her fingertips. She could hear the music that her thumb created as she caressed his skin.
"I -," she began, "You have no idea how happy I am that you are here."
Before he could respond Helen continued, "You've been a pillar of strength. I cannot imagine surviving this with the help of anybody else. I deeply care for everyone here but you are the one I've always wanted by my side. Despite everything that has happened between us, I have always wanted you by my side."
"I will be here Helen," John whispered, "always."
Another silence came between them.
"But you are a strong woman, Helen."
"Not as strong as I could be," she muttered to herself self-deprecatingly, "there have been nights when I have needed you. When I have needed you to whisper in my ear that everything with be all right. When I have needed your arm around me."
His mind could not find any words that matched what Helen had said. Throughout the intervening years he had felt the same emotions and needs that Helen had just confessed. His actions may have demonstrated his love and need for Helen but internally, John was battling the demon that had overtaken the control he had on his actions. He had fought it for so long without success. He battled every minute of every day for every year of every decade that passed. As he fought, he had the image of his beloved in an aged picture in a gold locket to spur on his determination in times of defeat. He used it to encourage him. She was waiting for him.
Instead of finding the words he thought she needed to hear, he instinctively wrapped his arm tighter around her. Her body softened as his embrace.
"I am glad you're here and I although I had my reasons, I am sorry that you came into Ashley's life now wh-when this happened. As much as I tried to hide from you, it was from-"
"I know. You don't have to explain, Helen. I don't blame you for taking the actions that you did or for making the subsequent decisions either. You made the right choice. And I am looking forward to getting to know the fine young woman that has Ashley grown into . . . once we get her back. And we will get her back. Together."
"I wish I shared your confidence."
"You do. Helen I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen intently. You are Helen Magnus. Doctor Helen Magnus. You have lived a life that is distinguished and full of accomplishment that has surpassed any life that has gone before or will come after in the future. You are one of the world's leading minds and you have silenced and tamed many of the monsters that have haunted this world. You have fought off a vast array of creatures and are stronger because of it. You are a Magnus and Magnuses do not fall prey to fear. Helen, we will get through this. You will find a way. You just need to take a moment to collect your thoughts. You know that Ashley is out there fighting whatever the Cabal has made her just as feverishly as you are fighting to find her. It will work out."
Her eyes battled the tears that again threatened to fall. Her hands clutched desperately at John.
After a brief silence she finally inhaled and whispered, “It will,” and exhaled.
They continued to lie together in the amber light that filtered through the window and bathed them in a warm haze. Helen found her eyelids becoming too heavy for her to keep open. She fought her fatigue both mentally and physically. Her eyelids began to flutter. Helen looked down at their clasped hands. She looked at how their fingers intertwined naturally. She felt the warmth of his hand. Throughout the years she had craved his touch. She had yearned for the feeling of his hand in hers. Helen inhaled his scent. She remembered how she could lose herself in him all those years ago. She remembered how they would lie together in each others arms in silence and just breathe the same air.
“I love you,” she found herself whispering.
“I’ve always loved you,” John added.
She melted herself into his embrace.
Helen allowed her eyes to close. Her breathing calmed. She allowed sleep to overcome her. Before she delved into sleep she became aware again of John’s warm breaths escaping his nose and flowing into her hair. Then, she felt him move his head away. Helen felt a tender touch on her head. John had lifted his head and affectionately kissed her head. A smile tugged happily at her lips. Then, she felt him place his cheek comfortably back against her head.
Mutually they felt the call of sleep overcoming them. Helen moved her leg moved it closer to John’s legs. Her shin moved towards him and without needing to ask, John lifted his upper leg and allowed her leg to tingle itself with his. They interlocked their legs just as they had their hands.
Cuddled together, breathing together and being together, Helen and John fell into a comfortable slumber. They forgot about everything outside the room. They forgot about the mountain that they would eventually have to tackle. They simply lived in the moment. It was the closest to Heaven to they would ever be and they did not want to leave.
@ aletheia08: I'm working on your birthday present right now so it'll be up soon. *birthday glomps*