i don't think i have the strength to let you go

Apr 26, 2009 19:41

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

i'm sitting here in the dark. listening to secondhand serenade, wrapped in the afgan my aunt janet made for me. wishing i could be there right now... wishing i could still be your girlfriend. wishing that i hadn't been so weak. that we could be happy together and get each other... and have you smile at me like you used to. you'd smile at me like i was the most beautiful thing you had ever laid your eyes on.

i feel bipolar almost. my moods are so up and down. except there's been one constant... i feel like shit. i'm sick. and depressed. and all i want to do is stare out into nothing and cry my eyes out. i want to listen to every single song that reminds me of you and cry because of the way things are right now.

i've messed up. and made mistakes. everyone always says that as long as i learn from them i should be okay... that everything will be okay. i wish i had the words to say that would make everything okay. i wish i could just hug you and have all the hurt between us vanish and we'd feel brand new. i wish i knew how to fix everything between me and you.

i want to start over. with you. like the way you can restart a computer when it starts to be slow and annoying. i want us to find a way to forgive each other... you forgive me for ending it the way i did... bc i was so fed up i didn't even want to talk to you (it was wrong. i know). and me forgive you for not making me feel important for too long.

i want to learn about what makes you tick, what turns you on, what pisses you off. i feel like the first go around i got it all wrong. i didn't make enough of an effort to get to know you. i was just so busy looking into your beautiful brown eyes and feeling dumbfounded bc i couldn't speak. i felt like someone needed to pinch me because i never thought i'd be with someone like you. exciting and adventurous. driven and persistent. quiet and intense. i was so captivated by you. i still am. every day i want to figure you out. and every day i learn something new. in most of my other relationships i got bored bc i dealt with the same old b.s. day after day. it was too predictable. with you i never know.

i can't take back anything i've said or done. but i want to make it right. i'm not ready to let go.
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