how i got where i am right now.
i have been writing a lot today. it makes me feel better. why i haven't done it more often is beyond me.
there are so many things i want to say... and probably shouldn't. most of the things that would fly out of my mouth i'd regret as soon as they hit the air anyway. but the microsoft office document saved on my laptop doesn't care. it won't judge me or think i'm a horrible person. it won't think i'm being ridiculous for feeling the way i feel. so i've been writing. its giving me some perspective that i couldn't get from anywhere else.
it is december 23rd. it blows my mind that i've been living at home again for a whole year. so much has happened this year. ready for a recap...?
around this time i started dating kevin... and i was getting over jimmy (finally). january through march i dated kevin... i learned not to let myself get caught in the gray area in a relationship. i never knew what to call him... we never made anything official.... but we carried on like a couple, like boyfriend and girlfriend. he never called me his girlfriend, but all of his friends did. and then when we ended things... he said something to the effect: "well how would it be if we were in a relationship?" wha? confusing. what were we in the last 2 months then? i still remember that day. it was a saturday night before easter sunday march 23rd, i wanna say, he parked my car in his garage after we had been out, we started watching "i am legend" and then decided to go to bed. i had a strange feeling that was going to be the last time i saw kevin. he hadn't been affectionate with me in over a month and we had only been dating for 3... he definitely knew how to make a woman feel inadaquate, but i won't get into the details of it. i laid in his bed next to him while he fell asleep because he had been drinking. i started crying. i couldn't sleep. i needed to leave. i got him up to get my car out of his garage. i almost wish we hadn't put my car in there so i could have just left without waking him up. he didn't even notice there were tears falling down my face. the next day he didn't call me or anything. that night after leaving grandma's after having easter dinner, i called him and we ended it. he told me he couldn't be himself around me. so i said well then what are we doing together? so it was done.
i signed up for match.com (second time around... i thought i might have some luck). it was pretty remarkable how quickly i got over kevin. i think that last month of being with him helped it along. there were some pretty good looking guys on match.com this time around. and i felt like i had a good chance of finding one since my hair was longer, i was thinner and more secure in myself despite the shit i had dealt with kevin. you'd be surprised... men on match.com won't give you the time of day if your hair is super short and your face is chubby (haha *sigh*) like mine was the first go around on the website. long story short, i found this guy on there... i had met him a few times in person before i found him on match. we had some mutual friends in common (thats how i had met him)... but the few times i had met him i didn't even feel it was a possibility - me and him. i wasn't attracted, and he didn't seem to be either.
end of april i started working at starbucks... i worked there until september - short 5 month employment... i got starbucks out of my system. i had always wondered what it'd be like to work there... and now i know.
so this guy i had met on match.com and i had a few conversations... chatted a few times on facebook... we had a few dreams about each other... and on may 8th he picked me up in his red car and took me to pasta pomodoro. it was a cooler evening in the summer. i was nervous around him but at the same time at ease. i wanted to play it cool and feel him out - i had fallen hard, and fast, before and it never turned out well. this time i wanted to try something different.
a few weeks later i made a stupid decision. i had been going on dates with another guy at the same time and he had asked me to be his gf... in my heart i felt i should have said no. but for some reason i said yes. we didn't have chemistry, we didn't click. he didn't look at me the way he did. this other guy disappeared and took two different girls out to dinner after he had asked me to be his gf. i was over it.
there are so many things i want to say... and probably shouldn't. most of the things that would fly out of my mouth i'd regret as soon as they hit the air anyway. but the microsoft office document saved on my laptop doesn't care. it won't judge me or think i'm a horrible person. it won't think i'm being ridiculous for feeling the way i feel. so i've been writing. its giving me some perspective that i couldn't get from anywhere else.
it is december 23rd. it blows my mind that i've been living at home again for a whole year. so much has happened this year. ready for a recap...?
around this time i started dating kevin... and i was getting over jimmy (finally). january through march i dated kevin... i learned not to let myself get caught in the gray area in a relationship. i never knew what to call him... we never made anything official.... but we carried on like a couple, like boyfriend and girlfriend. he never called me his girlfriend, but all of his friends did. and then when we ended things... he said something to the effect: "well how would it be if we were in a relationship?" wha? confusing. what were we in the last 2 months then? i still remember that day. it was a saturday night before easter sunday march 23rd, i wanna say, he parked my car in his garage after we had been out, we started watching "i am legend" and then decided to go to bed. i had a strange feeling that was going to be the last time i saw kevin. he hadn't been affectionate with me in over a month and we had only been dating for 3... he definitely knew how to make a woman feel inadaquate, but i won't get into the details of it. i laid in his bed next to him while he fell asleep because he had been drinking. i started crying. i couldn't sleep. i needed to leave. i got him up to get my car out of his garage. i almost wish we hadn't put my car in there so i could have just left without waking him up. he didn't even notice there were tears falling down my face. the next day he didn't call me or anything. that night after leaving grandma's after having easter dinner, i called him and we ended it. he told me he couldn't be himself around me. so i said well then what are we doing together? so it was done.
i signed up for match.com (second time around... i thought i might have some luck). it was pretty remarkable how quickly i got over kevin. i think that last month of being with him helped it along. there were some pretty good looking guys on match.com this time around. and i felt like i had a good chance of finding one since my hair was longer, i was thinner and more secure in myself despite the shit i had dealt with kevin. you'd be surprised... men on match.com won't give you the time of day if your hair is super short and your face is chubby (haha *sigh*) like mine was the first go around on the website. long story short, i found this guy on there... i had met him a few times in person before i found him on match. we had some mutual friends in common (thats how i had met him)... but the few times i had met him i didn't even feel it was a possibility - me and him. i wasn't attracted, and he didn't seem to be either.
end of april i started working at starbucks... i worked there until september - short 5 month employment... i got starbucks out of my system. i had always wondered what it'd be like to work there... and now i know.
so this guy i had met on match.com and i had a few conversations... chatted a few times on facebook... we had a few dreams about each other... and on may 8th he picked me up in his red car and took me to pasta pomodoro. it was a cooler evening in the summer. i was nervous around him but at the same time at ease. i wanted to play it cool and feel him out - i had fallen hard, and fast, before and it never turned out well. this time i wanted to try something different.
a few weeks later i made a stupid decision. i had been going on dates with another guy at the same time and he had asked me to be his gf... in my heart i felt i should have said no. but for some reason i said yes. we didn't have chemistry, we didn't click. he didn't look at me the way he did. this other guy disappeared and took two different girls out to dinner after he had asked me to be his gf. i was over it.