Cellars and Crosses
Each of us has underneath our ordinary personality, which we show to the public, a cellar in which we hide the refuse and rubbish which we would rather not see ourselves or let others see
An old religion teacher of mine sent that article to me, and I think I was at a point in time when I needed to read something like that. Lately my parents have been asking me if i believe in God, or if i have faith. And in all honestly, I don't know. I think I do just because of the fact that that is what I've been taught since before I can remember. Every night I had to kneel down infront of my bed and say my prayers, or else I wouldn't be able to have dessert the next day.. something like that lol. Faith has just been such a part of my life, not because I put it there, but because my family did. And I guess it wasn't until I experienced a loss in my life that I actually wanted, needed to understand Faith for myself. For awhile there I hated God, but yet I still prayed because it's been drilled into my head since who knows when. And even though almost three years have passed, I'm still questioning God and why he had to take my family away from me. And I'm sure this may seem like a repetitive topic to some of you, but hey thats who I am. I guess I can't put anything to rest until I finally find closure. I really do hope that someday I will find it, but until then I'll keep searching for those answers. I guess in life I've kind of hit a standpoint. I feel like I'm stuck and I can't move no matter how hard I try. In the beginning of this year I actually thought that my rel. teacher would be the one who would reach me. I listened to him more than I had ever listened to anyone before, and I felt like I was actually understanding. I guess I thought to soon, and that really hurt me when I realized that he wasn't the person that I thought he was, Faith wise. So yet again, I'm back to where I started.... Lost. My mom told me to attend Church today because it is Palm Sunday. I should've gone. I didn't. I just don't think its right to attend Church and "pretend" to believe everything the priest is saying. I think if I go I should be 100 positive that I want to be there, and that I believe. I just don't wanna be a hypocrit. I dont know so I ended up leaving the house and dropping off the money envelope and continued on, driving no where in paticular. Just blasting the radio with the windows down.. contemplating as the suns rays beamed down on the world around me. Tonight, my dad took me out to dinner because he just came home from England the other day, he had been gone for two weeks. He too asked me about faith. Now, granted my mom and dad have never been very religious. Yes, we always used to go to mass every Sunday, and we have Bibles around the house, but it was mostly my grandparents who really lived a true life of faith. I don't know what to believe. The article that I posted above really hit me. It's the real reason why I posted in the first place. I just loved the "cellar, cross" relationship. We all have cellars inside of us, some have remained locked tightly up inside of us and have yet to open; while others had been discovered long long ago. Its a constant battle of good vs evil, light vs dark, white vs black, and I have front row tickets. My bet is on darkness, but hey, maybe I'll be pessimistic for once. Deep down I hope good will prevail, I just hope I'll be alive to witness it. In the end "It's a battle of us vs. us, not us vs. them."